Chapter 30
‘But … but you can’t come with me. How many times have I told you that it’s not a holiday?’
‘Yes, I know.’ Lorna mimicked him, when she added, ‘I’m at work.’
She stared at his expression. As she expected, he was looking dumbfounded. ‘Well, say something, Andrew.’
‘But what about us making decisions together? A big decision like taking a leave of absence from your job isn’t something you should be deciding on your own.’
‘Oh, I see, so it’s all right for you to go making a big decision like signing up for work on cruise ships. It was meant to be a one-off to get us through a financial rocky patch a few years ago, but then it ended up that you went every single summer, and an autumn extended re-positional cruise too, when they came up.’
‘But it’s not like we were ever going on a summer holiday together. When you finished teaching at the end of the summer term, you then spent the holidays doing music lessons, most of the time.’
‘I only did the music lessons, filling in during the summer, because you were away. And that meant because you were on cruise ships all the time, Briony and I spent our summer holiday with my dad instead.’
Lorna remembered there was no question of her and Briony joining him on a cruise because he’d always impressed on them that it wasn’t a holiday, it was work. The inference was that it wouldn’t be a family holiday, so there was no point them going. In hindsight, she realised that he’d positively discouraged them from going at every turn.
Looking back, it dawned on her that for years, they’d been leading separate lives. It was because the life they were leading appeared normal – just busy, like every family, she imagined, with little time to themselves. And yet, when she really thought about it, their marriage seemed to mirror her parents’ relationship. As a child, she’d spent the summers at her grandparents’ beach house, but her parents had rarely holidayed there together – it had mainly been just her and her mum.
As a professor lecturing at the university, her father should have had long holidays in which he could have spent six weeks in the summer at The Beach House with them. But he never had.
Lorna remembered asking her mum why her dad couldn’t come too, on occasion, but all she’d said was that he had papers to write, research to do for his next publication, and summer courses to run for students.
Lorna had often thought, Why couldn’t he spend time with me instead?
For the first time ever, Lorna wondered if her father had been having an affair. It would explain an awful lot – why they never really spent much time together as a family.
What if I got things all wrong, and it wasn’t Mum who left Dad, and I blamed her for the break-up of their marriage?
‘What is it?’
Lorna looked over at Andrew. He must have caught her expression. She shook her head, not feeling inclined to share her thoughts on her parents’ marriage. Besides, it wasn’t as though Andrew could share any insights. Lorna had met Andrew after her parents had split up.
‘Maybe this works out for the best, Lorna, that you’ve taken time off from work. Whatever has gone on with you and your mother, maybe it’s time to heal the rift, before it’s too late.’
Lorna took a deep breath. That was not how she’d intended to spend the time she’d taken off work to celebrate her fortieth – with her mother. She wanted to spend it with Andrew, having new adventures, making new memories; not revisiting the past and opening up old wounds. But perhaps he was right. Perhaps it was time to lay the ghosts of the past – her relationship with her mother – to rest properly.
‘I don’t want you to have regrets for the sake of coming on a cruise, if something were to happen,’ Andrew said sincerely.
Lorna looked at her phone. It had just occurred to her that she could phone the hospital straight away. They could tell her what was going on over the phone before she potentially wasted her time making a special trip to Suffolk. She could always catch up with her mother after the cruise if there was no emergency.
‘I’m going to phone the hospital.’
Andrew frowned at her.
Lorna smiled when she got through almost immediately, stating her name and asking after her mother. Her smile faded. ‘All right. When do you think that will be?’ Lorna listened to the receptionist before she ended the call.
Andrew raised his eyebrows. ‘Well – what did they say?’
‘The receptionist couldn’t give out any information on patients over the phone, and the nurses are doing their rounds at the moment. I’ll have to wait for a call back, or call later this afternoon.’ The trouble was that Andrew was leaving soon. She wanted to know what was going on straight away in case she could still go with him.
Andrew looked at her suitcase. ‘There’ll be other cruises, Lorna.’
‘Does that mean I can go on the next one with you?’
The sound of the doorbell interrupted them. ‘That’ll be my taxi.’
Lorna watched Andrew zip up his suitcase. He looked at her suitcase. She followed his gaze. She could tell that it suited him perfectly that it looked as though she wouldn’t be booking her cruise and would be going to Suffolk instead.
She still didn’t get why he’d always discouraged her from joining him on the cruises. Yes, they wouldn’t be able to spend the whole cruise together, but perhaps that wasn’t a bad thing, considering how little time they spent together during their normal day-to-day lives. It might be too much if they were together the whole time. Perhaps, if they were, they’d discover they didn’t much like each other’s company.
Lorna frowned, wondering why that thought had popped into her head.
‘As you’re packed, you could always come with me in the taxi and get dropped off at the train station on the way.’
Lorna considered it for a moment. It was tempting. Taking a train would be more relaxing than driving. She’d have to quickly check the train times, but she imagined that she wouldn’t have to pre-book a train ticket; she could just buy one at the station.
The problem was that she’d packed for a cruise in the Caribbean, not a trip to the East Coast of England, even though it had been an unusually warm October. However, that morning the weather had turned chilly, the temperature plummeting. Although it sounded as though it was going to turn out to be another warm day, the weather forecast had predicted that it would be the last of the beautifully sunny, mild weather before temperatures returned to normal for the time of year – meaning wet and cold.
Lorna glanced at her suitcase. She’d have to quickly sort through her suitcase, throw out her swimming costume, swim towel, and all the clothes she’d packed for the Caribbean, and then repack for the Suffolk Coast. The trouble was that she didn’t want to. But what choice did she have? Unless the hospital phoned her back imminently, it would be too late to join Andrew on the cruise anyway.
A part of her just wanted to ignore the messages and pretend everything was okay. But after what Andrew had said, about seeing Blythe before it was too late, she didn’t know how she’d go on a cruise and enjoy herself. She couldn’t ignore her feeling that something was wrong.
She knew why Andrew had offered to share his taxi. He’d probably guessed that if she didn’t go to Suffolk now, she might not go at all. Even so, the thought of getting into the taxi with him and not going to the airport would just make her feel worse. As it was, she’d have to cancel the cruise.
‘No, you go ahead. I think I’d prefer to get a taxi separately, when I’ve gathered my thoughts.’ And repacked my suitcase, if I really am returning to Suffolk, she thought.
‘All right, sweetheart. You will go, though, won’t you?’
Lorna didn’t reply. She wasn’t convinced she would, even though she was resigned to the fact that she wouldn’t complete that cruise booking while she waited to hear from the hospital. Then what will I do if I decide not to go to Suffolk, with no work, and no cruise to go on? Use the time to plan another one for when her husband returned, and he had some time off before he rejoined the orchestra in Oxford in the spring. Or better still, just take off and have an adventure on her own.
Lorna hadn’t been on her own since she was eighteen. She couldn’t really imagine going on holiday alone. She thought of her daughter going all the way to the Galapagos Islands. Although technically she wasn’t on her own, she was with a group – but even so, she’d applied, and flown out there by herself, not knowing any of the other people who’d be joining the research ship. Lorna was so proud of her. She thought, If Briony can do it – then so can I.
‘I’ll be back for Christmas.’
‘So will I,’ murmured Lorna. If she had to go and visit her mother, then so be it, but she wouldn’t be spending the next six or seven weeks in Suffolk with her. No way!
Andrew stopped at the door. ‘What did you say?’
Lorna had a thought. ‘When I’ve visited my mum, I could fly out and join the cruise at one of the ports of call,’ she said hopefully.
She silently cursed herself for sharing her thoughts. She could have done that as a surprise.
Andrew was already shaking his head at her idea. ‘Sweetheart, let’s plan a proper cruise, just you and me, nothing to do with my work.’
‘Really?’ It was the first time that he’d ever seriously entertained the idea of them going on one together.
‘Sure.’
Lorna frowned as he walked out of the bedroom, carrying his suitcase. She hoped he wasn’t just saying that.