Chapter 16 #2
“Etta needed a lot of help after her accident, even more than she does now. And I know that I could probably go back to teaching at this point, but there’s still this little voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me that something is going to happen when I’m not home.
And even if something didn’t happen, there is no way that all of the chores would ever get done. But if I’m not working, we don’t have the money to hire someone to help.”
Ronan moved long enough to put another log on the fire before settling beside her once more. “My life wasn’t supposed to look like this either.”
He didn’t know if it was the right thing to say, but he had learned over the years that misery loved company, and most times when people spoke of their problems, they weren’t looking for someone to fix it, they just wanted to know that someone understood.
“What was yours going to look like?”
“I was a lawman,” he said, hesitating for a moment, not sure he wanted to reveal all of his past.
But when he looked at her again, his reservations faded. She had moved closer to him, her arm brushing against his as she waited for him to continue.
“I thought that was what I was going to do with my life. It was all I wanted for a long time, and it was the only thing that made sense after my parents died.” Ronan cleared his throat, staring at the flickering flames of the fire.
“I was working a case that ended in disaster. My closest friend, Evander, he…he died.”
Ronan found it hard to fight past the lump forming in his throat, and when Cressida took his hand and squeezed it tight, it seemed like the world around him came to an entire stop. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move for fear of breaking the moment between them.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” Cressida said, holding his hand tighter. “I know it’s not easy to lose the people you care about.”
He reached into the pocket of his shirt and pulled out the watch, showing the broken face to her. “This was his. It broke during the case, and he joked that he was going to keep the glass broken out of it so he could be sure to tell the story to anyone who asked.”
Cressida’s thumb brushed over his skin, but she said nothing. She didn’t press for more information; instead, she just sat with him, both of them lost in thoughts of what their lives were supposed to be, had everything worked out the way they’d wanted it.
But for the first time in a long time, he wasn’t entirely upset with what had happened in his life. Losing Evander still hurt like no other, but it had also brought him to this moment with Cressida.
If Evander were there, he would tease him mercilessly about pining over a woman instead of simply courting her. Evander always saw things as simpler than they were, going after what he wanted without a second thought, seeing people for who they were quickly.
Ronan turned his hand over, his fingers twining with hers as the lightning lit up the sky once more. “Even though I have plans for the ranch, I don’t know what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, and I think that might be what scares me the most.”
“I’m terrified of only being Etta’s caretaker.
Of never being more than that ever again,” Cressida said, her voice barely more than a whisper.
“I’m scared I’m going to start resenting her for how much she needs me as the years wear on, and more than anything else, I’m scared I’m never going to be enough for her. ”
“One person isn’t enough for anyone, but that’s a good thing. You shouldn’t have to take up every aspect of another person’s life. Trying to fill their voids is only going to give you more of your own, and then who will be coming along to fill those?”
Cressida stared up at him, her gaze flitting between his eyes and his lips for a moment before she put her head on his shoulder, yawning. “I suppose you might be right about that.”
She yawned again, her eyelids starting to flutter shut. He said nothing, just listened to the rain and the fire and the soft sound of her breathing until she fell asleep against his shoulder.
The rain continued to fall, but eventually, as the fire died low, it started to lighten by degrees; the world was still dark even as the clouds parted. Through the canopy of trees, he could see the moon starting to poke through. If the watch worked, he might be able to tell what time it was.
Instead, he gently brushed Cressida’s dry hair from her face for what had to be the fifth time since she fell asleep. “Wake up,” he said as the rain turned to a drizzle. “It’s time to go home.”
Cressida hardly stirred, murmuring something he didn’t hear, her dark eyelashes fluttering against her cheeks. “Huh?”
“It’s time to ride back home. The rain’s stopped.”
He didn’t want the moment to end, but someone stumbling upon them alone in a cave beneath the same blanket would be bad for her reputation, and he wanted to protect her as much as possible.
“Oh,” Cressida said, opening her eyes and looking around. “I’m sorry.”
Her cheeks colored a dark pink as Diver hopped from her lap and wagged his tail. She smiled, petting his head before shrugging the blanket from her shoulders.
Ronan stood and took the blanket, folding it up and tucking it in the saddlebag since the damp fabric would only irritate his horse. It wouldn’t be too long of a ride back home, and the horse would be fine without the blanket for the short distance.
He turned back, finding Cressida already on her feet, his coat still wrapped around her tight.
As he unhitched the horse, he found himself wishing that it was still raining just so he could spend a little more time with her.
Ronan wanted to talk to her for more hours, to figure out more about the way her mind worked and how she saw the world.
But as he led the horse outside, helping Cressida into the saddle and getting up behind her, he knew there was only so much time they could be gone before someone would be looking for them.
Cressida kept Diver cradled in her arms, the comfortable silence stretching between them as they rode back to her house.
For just a moment, Ronan thought about asking her if she wanted to share that pot of coffee now, to talk until the early hours of the morning when the sun was just starting to come up.
Instead, he returned her to her front step, wishing that they could be together longer, wishing that they could ride until the sun came up.
It’d been years since anyone other than an outlaw had ridden with him, and that night he found himself wishing that he could ride longer, ride slower, spend more time on his horse just so Cressida was with him.
He got down from his horse, helping her down, her body lingering in his arms for a long moment as the clouds parted wider and stars shone down on them.
How did you say goodbye to someone when it felt like they had changed your life forever, even if that goodbye would only last for a night?