Chapter 22 #2
Cherie sips her hot chocolate and looks at me over the rim of the glass.
She has a cream moustache now instead of a killer clown face.
She thinks about it for a few seconds, then replies: ‘And I’m guessing from your appearance here this morning that that’s not a good thing? You don’t want him to love you?’
I shake my head. ‘No! It’s too soon! It’s too much! It’s… What if it’s the beginning of the end?’
‘Okay, now you’ve lost me. Generally speaking, sleeping with a man for the first time and him saying he loves you is the beginning of the beginning.’
‘Not in my experience,’ I say bitterly. ‘In my experience, when they say that, they’re lying.’
She knows my history and she doesn’t jump in to judge or tell me I’m being unreasonable. I will forever love her for that, but I’m already doing it to myself.
‘You’ve had some shoddy experiences, my love, and no mistake. But tarring Aidan with the same brush isn’t really fair now, is it? And do you think that maybe, just maybe, you’re reacting like this because you love him too, and that’s much scarier than anything else that can happen at Halloween?’
I buy myself some time by shovelling a huge spoonful of crumble into my mouth. Despite the circumstances, I can still take a moment to appreciate how delicious it is. ‘You or Laura?’ I mumble.
‘That one’s all Laura, made with fruit from Frank’s farm.’ The woman’s a genius, I decide. She should get some kind of award, an MBE for Services to Happiness.
I finish up, and Cherie is looking at me in amusement. ‘Finished stalling?’
‘Yes, I suppose. I can’t love Aidan. He’s too young for me. He’s too good-looking for me. He’s too nice for me.’
‘I see,’ she replies, nodding wisely. ‘And he’s said all of that, has he?’
‘No. He’s said pretty much the opposite. But it’s still all true.’
‘You’re gorgeous, Sarah. And despite your best attempts, you’re also very nice. I’ve noticed how sneakily kind you can be, spending time with me, offering to help out with Katie, talking to Edie for hours on end about Briarwood.’
‘Those are pleasures, not chores. And I’m still too old for him.’
She snorts, and the remaining cream flies off the top of her drink. ‘Bah! What a load of rubbish! You’re, what, sixteen years older than him?’
‘Yes. That’s a whole adult human being older.’
‘It’s still rubbish. I’d have expected you to be more of a smash the patriarchy kind of woman, Sarah.
Would anybody bat an eyelid if it was the other way around?
If you were a man seeing a woman sixteen years younger?
No, they bloody wouldn’t! So stop being so…
sexist. Besides, Aidan strikes me as an old soul, and you’re behaving like you’re immature. So maybe you can meet in the middle.’
I narrow my eyes at her and point the spoon in her direction.
‘I didn’t come here to be abused, you hag.’
‘No, you came here for comfort, which I’m happy to provide. I’m not so good at lying though. Honesty comes with the cake. I’m on your side, darling, always, but that doesn’t mean only saying what you want to hear. How did you leave it, with Aidan?’
‘Not well. I kind of ran away. And he’s called a couple of times since, but I couldn’t make myself pick up. Crap. That does sound immature, doesn’t it?’
She nods, and turns to her bowl of crumble while I think it all over. Could she be right? Could I be in love with Aidan? How would I know?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been in love,’ I tell her, my voice quiet. It’s a tragic thing to admit at my age. ‘I thought I had. I was married, and there was Martin… But looking back, I don’t think I was.’
‘I see. And what makes you think that?’
She winks at me. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and I hate the path she’s leading me down.
‘Aidan,’ I admit, shaking my head. ‘I can’t stop thinking about him.
When we’re together, I feel nervous, but in a good way.
And I feel content, but in an excited way.
And when we’re apart, I… I’m always thinking about when I’ll see him again.
Even before we spent the night together, I suppose I was already doing that. ’
‘Does time away from him feel like time wasted?’
I nod, biting my lip. It kind of does, if I’m brutally honest. I do my work and I see my friends; and I’ve been there for Sally. But underneath all of those layers of busy, all those layers of otherwise occupied, my mind is always on him. Always wishing I could be near him.
‘And how does he make you feel? Three words. Don’t overthink. Just go for it!’
Ha, don’t overthink… She might as well tell me not to breathe. Still, I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and let instinct take over.
‘Special. Excited. Safe.’
Wow. I blink my eyes back open, and Cherie is looking unbearably smug as she eats her crumble. I throw a cushion at her, which she easily dodges.
‘This is not what I expected when I came here!’ I bleat. ‘I just wanted some sympathy. And cake!’
‘Well, I don’t know what you’re moaning about, you got both, didn’t you? Just a bit of extra insight as well. You’re welcome. No need to thank me. Now, what are you going to do about all this?’
I slump back against the squishy leather of the sofa and bury myself deeper in my blanket. Luna sits next to me, and I give her a little stroke.
I’m suddenly exhausted. And confused. And completely uncertain.
This is all too complicated, and a cowardly part of me wishes I’d never come here.
I should have just stayed in London, where nobody ever talks to you or forces you to face up to home truths.
If I hadn’t moved here, I wouldn’t have met Cherie or Laura or any of the café ladies.
I wouldn’t have met Aidan, and then my life would have been a lot simpler.
And, I have to admit, a lot less inspiring. I’ve become braver since I moved to Budbury. I’ve opened up and blossomed in a way I never expected. And just possibly, I’ve fallen in love for the first time ever. I don’t really regret any of those things, but it is still a lot, and I’m very tired.
‘I don’t know, Cherie. Honestly, I’m wiped out. Physically and emotionally. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and right now I’m just too confused and exhausted to do it justice.’
‘Then go home and have a sleep. Let your batteries recharge. Then sort it out, love, please. I told you Budbury was the kind of place that specialises in second chances. Don’t be that horse.’
‘That horse?’ I echo. She’s lost me now.
‘Yes. That really stupid horse. The one that gets taken to water but doesn’t drink it. Drink the water. Be in love. Enjoy your life, sweetheart, because believe me it goes by quicker than you’d imagine, and I can guarantee nobody ever regrets letting more love into their world.’
I’m not totally convinced about that, but it was a good speech, and she obviously believes every word of it. She’s lost two husbands, and still has that passion for love. There’s not an ounce of cynicism in her body, and I wonder if maybe I got her portion somehow.
I nod, standing up to leave. She hugs me and we say our goodbyes. I promise to stay in touch and let her know what, if anything, happens. I make my way back home through the wind and the rain, and do exactly what she suggested– I go to bed.
I don’t have the most restful of sleeps, but I do sleep.
At least the passing of time seems to suggest that I have, even if I still feel tired.
I peep through the curtains and see that it is dark out there now, and my phone informs me that it is just after 6pm.
My phone also tells me that Sally has made it home with Ollie, along with a series of winky face and devil horn emojis.
Aidan has called again at about midday, and once more at about three, but after that hasn’t bothered. He might have the patience of a saint, but I suppose even he has his limits.
I lie in bed for a while, stretching both my body and my mind.
Was Cherie right? Have I been hiding the truth from myself?
Am I in love with Aidan? I recall those three words, and say them out loud, over and over again.
Special. Excited. Safe. Wonderful, wonderful things to feel.
And Aidan makes me feel all of them. So why have I turned my back on them?
What the hell is wrong with me? Don’t I want to feel special and excited and safe?
I have never really let anybody through my defences like this.
I have never given anybody the whole of my heart.
I have never let anybody take care of me, or fully committed to caring for them.
I have always held back, I see now. My connection with other men was never strong enough to break down the barriers I’d built over too many years of feeling threatened, feeling uncomfortable, feeling like the odd one out.
It is strange to be changing all of that at my age.
But I think I have to. Lying here, I realise that I’m missing him already.
That like Cherie said, every moment away from him feels wasted.
Yes, I’ve been a solitary person for most of my life, but does that make me happy?
Content, yes, but happy? Not really. I’m okay, but I’m not joyful.
With Aidan, I’m joyful. It’s not just the physical, though goodness knows that was amazing; it’s the emotional. When I’m with him, I feel different.
When I’m with him, I feel better. I feel like my whole being is smiling.
That should, of course, be the moment when some kind of mental light bulb pops in my head and I embrace my new future.
But I’m simply not built like that, so it takes a little longer.
That is all right, I tell myself as I head downstairs and make myself a ginger and lemon tea.
This is a big decision, and it is not in my nature to rush.