Chapter 22 #3
I lean against the kitchen counter and watch the robin in the courtyard garden.
The rain has paused, and he is out there in all his red-breasted glory, head tilted on one side, eyes shining.
He’s probably wondering what I’m going to do about Aidan.
Maybe he’s my guardian angel robin, sent to watch over me in times of need.
I laugh at the idea, and he immediately flutters away. So much for that.
I finish my tea, put the tea bag in the bin, and then very carefully and very slowly wash my mug.
After that, I grab my coat and my car keys, and practically run out of the house.
I need to see Aidan. I need to tell him I’m sorry.
I need to tell him that I love him, too.
I might add in some extras, like ‘I’ve been the world’s biggest arsehole’, or ‘you complete me’, or I might just kiss him until he has to forgive me.
Whatever I need to do, I am going to do it.
After all this messing around, this now very suddenly feels urgent.
It’s not so much a bulb going off in my head as a whole field of flood lights.
I dash towards the car, and see Becca walking down the street with Sam and Little Edie. They all stare at me as I run, and Becca asks: ‘You okay? Need any help?’
‘No, thank you though! I’m just off to do something reckless!’
‘Oh good,’ Becca replies, grinning. ‘That’s the spirit! Say hello to Aidan for me…’
I laugh and start the engine. I drive carefully to Hazelwell, because I remember how close I came to an accident earlier today.
There is very little traffic, but the roads are wet and it’s very dark out on the countryside lanes.
Streetlights are not a regular occurrence, and the night sky is clouded, hiding the twinkle of the stars and the glow of the moon.
Tiny flying creatures are illuminated by my headlights, and I remember the young fox we saw that first night we properly spoke.
It feels like a different lifetime. The one before I let Aidan sneak into my world.
I am tense but also exhilarated. My hands grip the steering wheel so hard my knuckles are white, and I have to keep reminding myself to breath.
I am determined to say my piece, to let him know that I want to try and make a go of this thing between us.
I need to say it, and I can only hope that I’m not too late.
A little paranoid part of me wonders if I am.
What if I pushed him away one too many times?
What if he’s decided I’m more trouble than I’m worth?
The man told me he loved me and I ran away.
Then I refused to answer his calls all day.
No, I reassure myself, that will not happen. Aidan is not an idiot like me. He will listen, and he will understand, and he will forgive. That is the way he has behaved towards me ever since we met. With kindness and integrity and… that smile. Lord, that smile.
It makes me grin to myself even thinking about it, and the last mile or so of the twisty-turny journey seems to last forever.
I pull up outside the gates to the house and switch off the car engine.
I hear one of the dogs let out a howl, and I know that at least one of them has heard me. Right. Action time.
I have my apology all planned. I have my ‘I love you’ ready to go. I’ve looked at this from every possible angle, and this is what I need to do. I want to be happy, and for the first time in my life, I also feel like not only do I have a shot at that, but I deserve it as well.
I get out of the car, still grinning, and walk through the first gate and up to the second. The lights from the house are shining out, and they fall on Aidan’s big black jeep, parked where it usually is. I freeze when I notice something else right next to it.
An unbearably cute VW Bug in bright red. I edge slightly closer, gripping the metal bars of the gate, staring through. It’s close enough that I can see the stickers in the back window. The pictures of the wolves howling at the moon.
The curtains to the living room window are open, and I see Aidan in there.
Then I see Melody, walking towards him and wrapping her arms around his waist. He returns the embrace, holding her tight.
They stand like that, engulfed in each other, for what feels like eternity.
The room looks cosy, and I imagine the romantic music, the roaring fire.
The bed he is clearly about to take her to.
That’s when I blink and retreat away from the gate so quickly I almost fall over. I’ve seen enough and have no desire to watch what happens next between them. I can far too easily imagine.
I stagger back to my car, desperate to get away.
To get away from this place, from the fact that Melody is here.
His friend, who also comes with benefits.
I remember him telling me about their arrangement, how they were there for each other when it suited them both.
And now there they are, clear as night, enjoying their benefits already.
I was wrong, I tell myself bitterly. Wrong about it all. He has run out of patience. I have pushed him away one time too many.
I have lost him.
The sad thing is, I think, as I drive away again, that I can’t even blame him.