9. Chapter 9
Chapter nine
Raina
A shout wakes me.
At first I wonder if I dreamed it, but then I hear it again, louder this time.
Erik.
I jump out of bed and rush to the door. Is he hurt? Did Father find us already?
I’m halfway through turning the doorknob when my mind catches up to me. My breath catches, and my body goes still. Can’t leave. Can’t, can’t, can’t.
But then Erik yells, and I swear he’s saying my name. Not Raina, but Rose.
I can’t leave him like that. Not after everything he’s done for me. So, forcing myself to breathe, I turn the knob. The door swings open, revealing the dark hallway. Long shadows stretch on the floor from the dull moonlight drifting in through the window. Outside, I can just make out bare tree branches swaying in the darkness.
“No,” Erik yells. “No—no, please.”
Without another thought, I take off and burst through his door. I can just make out Erik’s form on the bed. His sheets are twisted around him, but otherwise, he seems fine. There’s no intruder, and I can’t make out any blood or injuries in the dim lighting.
A nightmare.
“Erik.” Running up to the bed, I grab his shoulder and shake him. “Erik, wake up!”
He sits up with a rough gasp, frantically looking around the room until his eyes land on me. “No. Rose, no no no.”
Before I can get a word out, Erik grabs me, and my back hits the mattress. He’s hovering over me now, pressing against the right side of my torso.
“Erik—”
“We have to stop the bleeding,” he tells me, his voice panicked. “Can’t lose you. Not again.”
“Hey, I’m all right.” I try to push him off me, but he’s too strong. “Erik! It was just a dream.”
“No. No, he’s here. I have to get you out of here. I have to—”
“ERIK!”
He startles, and with his guard down, I’m finally able to shove his weight off me and sit up. With his brows drawn together in confusion, he glances down at my waist, and then at his hands.
“No blood,” he mumbles.
“I’m all right,” I whisper, touching his bare chest carefully, not wanting to scare him.
“R-Rose.” Erik’s voice is uneven, and he’s trembling, his large body making the entire bed shake.
“Raina,” I remind him gently, hoping it’ll help bring him back into the present.
“Raina,” he breathes. His head hits my shoulder, and his arms encircle me, holding me tight. “You’re safe.”
“Did you dream that I wasn’t?”
“Always do,” he says hoarsely, nuzzling my neck and breathing deeply. “God, Raina. It felt so real.”
“It’s okay. I’m—Erik!”
He’s holding me at arm’s length, searching me over. One hand keeps me firmly anchored in place while the other pats my face, my side, my arms, and my legs. “Just need to be sure. Need to…” His voice breaks, and he heaves in a breath.
“Shh, shh, it’s okay.” I have to crawl into his lap to give him a proper hug, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Before I’m fully situated, he’s clinging to me, both arms banded around me in a tight embrace that I couldn’t escape even if I wanted to.
“Can’t do it again,” he croaks. “Can’t lose you. Rose. My Rose. I can’t take it again.”
“I’m safe. You saved me, remember?” As much as I can, I try to rock him back and forth. It’s what Marissa does when I’m upset, but it’s a lot harder to do to someone who’s so much bigger than I am. “Father can’t take me away again. You won’t let him.”
“I won’t,” he mumbles. “Promise. I promise, Rose. I won’t let him hurt you.”
“Hey.” I try to put my body around him, acting as a shield the way he did for me earlier. “Focus on your breathing.”
Gulping in air, he buries his face in my neck. I hold him, feeling the tension slowly seep out of his body as exhaustion takes over.
This is all Father’s fault.
Losing Erik hurt me in a way I never thought I’d recover from. I always assumed he moved on, mostly because it hurt too much to think that he was possibly suffering as much as I was. Hearing the pain in his voice—the panic —breaks something inside me. Whatever leftover shreds of love I still had for Father fall away, and in its place, a rage that’s stayed hidden deep inside of me roars to life.
I hate him.
Erik mumbles something into my skin that sounds like thank you before pulling back. “I think I’ll be all right,” he says shakily. “Normally I’m able to calm myself down enough to sleep again. I… I don’t want to keep you up. I’m sorry.”
Normally?
“How often does this happen?”
“Every night.” Erik rubs at his face. “They aren’t typically this bad. I guess tonight is different because…”
“Because what?”
He shakes his head. “Nothing.”
“Erik.” My hands find their way to his cheeks, gently framing his face. “Tell me.”
“You haunted me,” he whispers. “Sometimes the thought of you was so strong that I couldn’t focus on anything else. Half the time I thought you were made up, but the other half… god, the other half. I was terrified for you, worried that Charles was hurting you, that you were dead, or that he was doing horrible things to you.”
Sometimes I feel dead. But I keep that thought to myself. Even though he’s the one who saved me, Erik’s words are soaked with guilt. I don’t want to put him in more pain.
“Losing you once ruined me, Raina,” he says quietly. “If I lose you again…”
“No. You said Father won’t find me here. You said you’d keep me safe from him.”
“I will. Always.”
“Then you don’t have anything to worry about. You won’t let him take me away.”
“There’s more than one way to lose someone,” he murmurs.
The fear in his eyes feels different now—like he’s afraid I’ll hurt him somehow. But how could I when he’s all I’ve wanted for so long?
“Can’t lose you,” he mumbles, leaning into me. I almost don’t make out the words because of how exhausted he sounds.
“You need to sleep.” Gently, I push him back until his head hits the pillows.
Erik’s fingers wrap around my wrist. The movement is panicked, like he’s still afraid I’m going to disappear. “Stay with me? I… need to know I have you. Just—just until I fall asleep?”
“Of course.” Grabbing the blankets, I rearrange them the best I can in the dark. “I can stay with you until morning if you’d like.”
“Only if you want to.”
Slipping under the covers, I place a hand on his arm, not sure if I should touch him much more. “You’re my best friend. Of course I want to.”
“Thank you, little rose,” he says tiredly, his arm coming around my waist and pulling me into him.
Little rose. I smile at the sweet nickname. I’m tucked under his chin, my head resting on his chest, and it strikes me how perfectly it fits. To him, I’ll always be Rose. It’s how he’s thought of me for the past thirteen years. He can’t just let that go, and I don’t want him to. The memories I have of our secret meetings are some of my happiest ones.
It only takes a few minutes for Erik’s breathing to deepen. He twitches a few times, and I’m worried he’s having another nightmare, but he doesn’t show any other signs. Eventually, his body fully relaxes, and I feel mine doing the same.
Snuggling closer, I let my eyes fall shut. Being wrapped up in him feels unreal. A possible ruse, a veiled trick. But it’s also the safest I’ve felt in years. This is my Erik. The boy who promised me freedom, who dreamed of exploring new places with me. And while there’s still so much I’m unsure of, that boy—now a man—would never hurt me intentionally.
So I let myself fully relax, the heat of him lulling me into a peaceful sleep.