Chapter 3 #2
“That’s my whole point.” Colin sat up straighter, pointing at Cade with his beer bottle. “You had to be at your new chick’s place.”
Cade took a long, slow sip of his beer, and I watched him stifle a smirk.
Colin’s mouth fell open, his eyes going wide. “Holy fuck. I’m right, aren’t I? I was just giving you shit, but you actually met someone.”
“Maybe.” Cade’s eyes darted my way, quick enough that Colin probably would have missed it, but I didn’t.
“Dude!” Colin’s eyes lit up. “Who is she?”
“None of your business.”
“Come on, man. Give me something.”
“Nope.”
“Is she hot?”
I watched Cade’s chest lift and fall with a deep breath. “Gorgeous,” he said quietly.
Colin whooped and reached forward to slap Cade’s knee. “Good for you, dude. Seriously. Maybe this one will stick.”
I turned away to pour myself a glass of water, using the moment to get my expression under control. My hands were steadier than I expected as I filled the glass from the bottle I kept in the mini-fridge just below. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just that Cade’s relationships only ever last three months, max,” Colin explained.
I took a slow sip of water before turning back around, leaning against the counter with what I hoped looked like casual interest. “That’s not that unusual.”
Lord knew my own relationships weren’t any more successful.
“But he’s a total catch. Good-looking, runs his own company, doesn’t live in his parents’ basement. Women should be trying to lock him down.”
“That’s literally the bare minimum,” I said, setting the glass down on the counter and crossing my arms over my chest. “If that’s your standard for what constitutes a catch, it’s no wonder you’re still single.”
Colin shot me a withering look. “I’m single by choice, fuck you very much. I know who I want. I’m just waiting for them to realize we’d be perfect together. Unlike some people I know who wouldn’t know a good thing if it slapped her in the face.” He lifted his beer in a mock toast at me.
I opened my mouth to argue, then snapped it shut. My brother wasn’t wrong. I was an expert at picking the wrong men.
“Anyway, we’re not talking about me,” Colin said, pushing up from his chair and flopping down on the sofa next to Cade. “For some reason, every woman this guy dates ends up bailing after three months.”
“Maybe I’m terrible in bed,” Cade offered dryly, his eyes fixed on me.
I nearly choked on my water. We both knew that wasn’t the problem. He was the best lay I’d had in my entire life.
“Please.” Colin rolled his eyes. “I’ve heard you bring girls home, dude. The walls in our house aren’t that thick. You’re doing just fine in that department.”
A sharp possessive spike of jealousy lanced through me before I could stop it.
And yes, I realized that said more about my current state of mind than I was willing to acknowledge, thank you very much.
“Jesus Christ, Colin,” Cade muttered, his knee starting to bounce.
“I’m just saying,” Colin continued, apparently oblivious to Cade’s discomfort. “Maybe this new girl is different.” He paused, his eyes lifting to mine and holding. When he spoke next, it was clear his words were meant for Cade, but he was looking directly at me. “Maybe you’ll give her a fair shot.”
My pulse jumped. That look, those words, felt deliberate. Accusatory.
“What are you talking about?”
Cade went very still beside my brother, his jaw tense, his fingers tight around his glass.
Colin shrugged. “They were all perfectly nice girls. Pretty, too. But …” He trailed off, his gaze dropping to the beer in his hands. He slowly rotated the glass, watching the liquid swirl inside.
“But what?” I pressed, unable to help myself.
Cade shifted slightly, his knee bouncing again, and for a second, it looked like he was about to say something, but Colin spoke first.
“Maybe they knew they weren’t who he really wanted.” His eyes locked with mine, then darted away. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing once. His fingers tapped against his thigh twice before he stilled them, then he leaned forward slightly, his eyebrows raised, waiting.
Cade’s knee stopped moving, and my brother glanced between us, his features rearranging in real time—his eyes widening, mouth parting, and a slow awareness creeping over his face.“Oh my god, Stel. You don’t know.”
“Know what?” My voice came out sounding like I’d just sucked on a helium balloon.
“That this idiot—” Colin jerked his thumb at Cade “—had the biggest crush on you.”
I stared at my brother, then at Cade, then dragged my gaze back to my brother. “Excuse me?”
“Yeah.” Colin was grinning now, clearly enjoying being the one to deliver the information. “I used to give him so much shit about it.” He glanced at Cade, who had suddenly become very interested in the condensation sliding down his glass.
“Colin,” Cade said quietly, a warning in his tone.
But Colin was on a roll now, and when he got this way, nothing could stop him. The only thing he might love more than music was gossip. “I told him he was barking up the wrong tree. No offense, Stel, but you only date tattooed lowlifes with bad attitudes. Meanwhile, Cade’s a sweet little puppy.”
My mouth was completely dry. The other night, he’d admitted to wanting me, but he’d been careful about how he’d phrased it. No timeline. No origin story. Hearing that it wasn’t a recent thing did something strange to my center of gravity.
I focused my attention on Cade, the man I’d been hung up on for the last year, even though I would have rather died than admit it to either of us. “You had a crush on me?”
“Yes,” Cade said simply.
“For how long?” I asked, taking a step forward without meaning to.
Cade shifted in his seat, his eyes searching mine. “Does it matter?”
Did it?
Yeah. I guess it did.
Because wanting someone’s body was easy. Bodies were simple. I’d had plenty of sex with men I didn’t give a damn about. That was biology, impulse, boredom, or even self-sabotage. But if Cade had cared about me—if this had been more than a passing thing for him—that rewrote the whole story.
It meant I hadn’t just been convenient. That this wasn’t just physical. I’d been chosen.
“Tell me.”
He sighed, his shoulders dropping as if he’d been hoping I wouldn’t ask. “Since I was fifteen and you picked me up from the dock that night.”
I frowned. “What night?”
“The nor’easter our sophomore year. My old man dropped me off at the docks and went back out into the storm, not giving a shit that I didn’t have a way home.
I don’t know how you knew where I was, but you showed up wearing that ridiculous yellow raincoat you claimed was ironic, yelling at me to get in the fucking car. ”
The memory dropped into place, sharp and clear.
I’d been eighteen, living in the studio apartment above my parents’ garage, working odd jobs while I tried to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.
My friend Marcy had been hooking up with one of the guys who worked at the marina, and she’d seen Cade’s dad practically toss him off his boat.
Since she knew Cade and my brother hung out a lot, she’d called me.
I’d grabbed my keys and some dry clothes, no questions asked.
The wind was howling, flinging sheets of icy rain against the windshield of my shitty little Honda Civic as I drove across town. Even now, I could still feel the sting against my face as I’d stepped out of my car.
Cade had been standing under the cover of the bait shack’s overhang, soaked to the bone in a thin hoodie, his hands shoved deep into his pockets, his shoulders curled in on themselves.
I’d marched straight up to him, fury snapping under my skin, and shoved a towel and a sweatshirt at his chest. “Get in the fucking car, Cade. I don’t want your death on my hands.”
He’d frozen, mouth half-open, eyes wide and unblinking.
I caught that same widening of his eyes now, that same pause in his breath—there for a heartbeat, then gone.
He shook his head, as if brushing off whatever thought had surfaced.
“I started liking you before that,” he continued quietly.
“But that day? That was when it stopped being just ‘my best friend’s older sister is hot’ and turned into, ‘oh, I’m in real trouble.
’ You were the only person who ever seemed to give a fuck.
And you looked at me like I wasn’t a screwup or a burden. Like I was … someone worth rescuing.”
My legs felt unsteady. I gripped the edge of the counter.
I recalled the way he’d sat in my passenger seat, water dripping off his hair onto the towel.
I remembered thinking he looked way too tired for fifteen, too worn-out around the eyes.
I remembered wanting, very badly, to keep him from hardening into something bitter and small like so many men with similar backgrounds.
I hadn’t known the extent of his family life back then, but I’d seen enough over the years to know his house had more shouting than laughing, more obligations than warmth.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Cade. My brother was talking, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying.
Fifteen.
That was a long damn time to carry a crush around.
Longer still to keep it hidden.
My heart did something uncomfortable in my chest. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
He let out a humorless laugh. “Because you were my best friend’s scary older sister, and I liked having full use of my limbs?
Because you’ve never gone for guys like me?
” His mouth twitched. “And life went on, and it became easier to pretend it was just a stupid teenage crush than admit it never really went away.”
Colin had gone quiet, watching the two of us like he’d just realized he’d stepped into something much bigger than he’d thought. His brows furrowed, and then he swung around to face Cade more fully. “Anyway, I’m glad you met someone, man. You deserve to be happy.”
Cade’s gaze stayed locked on me, nothing boyish about them now. Just a man who’d laid his truth on the table and wasn’t scrambling to walk it back.
“Yeah,” he agreed solemnly. “I do.”
I couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. My brain was trying to catch up with the facts. Process everything I’d just learned.
Cade had wanted me since he was fifteen?
That was twelve years of wanting someone who never looked twice at him until a couple of months before that damn New Year’s Eve party, when suddenly I couldn’t stop looking at him.
Twelve years of watching me date other people while he—
“I need …” I said, my voice cracking. I grabbed my ledger with shaking hands. “I need to go check on something. Upstairs.”
“Stel—” Cade started to push to his feet.
“Don’t,” I said, holding up a hand. “Just … give me a minute.”
But I was already moving, heading for the stairs to my loft, my heart hammering against my ribs.
Behind me, I heard Colin say, “Dude, I’m sorry. I figured she knew,” but I didn’t stop.
Couldn’t.
I sank onto my bed, rolled onto my side, and pulled the pillow over my face.
How had I not known? How had I missed it?
But even as I asked those questions, I knew the answer. I’d been so wrapped up in my own shit—my insecurities, my walls, my determination to keep everyone at arm’s length—that I’d never stopped to look at him. Not really.
Now, I thought about the way he’d always shown up for me.
The way he’d listen when I ranted about terrible customers or another fucking injustice in the world.
The way he’d taste-tested every single beer I’d ever made, even the ones that were objectively awful, and given me honest feedback without ever making me feel small.
I thought about last New Year’s Eve, too. The way he’d looked at me like I was something precious. The way he’d touched me like he’d been waiting his whole life for permission.
And then I thought about what my brother had said.
Every relationship he’s had has tanked within like three months.
Was it because of me?
Because he’d been hung up on me.
Colin said Cade had had a crush on me—past tense. Like it was something that used to be true, but no longer was.
But what if it wasn’t past tense at all? What if he still felt that way?
What if we tried this and it didn’t work? What if I was too broken, too guarded, too much work? What if I ruined it the way I’d ruined every other relationship I’d ever had?
But then I remembered the way he’d held my hand two nights ago. The way he’d looked me in the eye and told me I was gorgeous. The way he’d promised to stay.
Try and make me leave, he’d said.
I pressed my face harder into the pillow.
But what if I was the one who couldn’t stay?