Chapter 20
HOLIDAY
Ibarely wait for Lucas’s truck to disappear down the street before I’m bolting up the front steps of my parents’ house.
Please don’t be awake. Please don’t be awake.
I slip through the front door and say a little prayer that the curtains are still pulled. It’s dark, except for the stove light my mom always leaves on. I can hear my dad snoring from their bedroom down the hall.
I tiptoe up the stairs, skipping the one that creaks, and make it to my childhood bedroom without getting caught.
The door clicks shut behind me, and I lean against it, letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
When I look up, I catch a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror across the room.
I flick on the light and move closer to it, tilting my head to see my neck better. Three very purple hickeys trail down my neck from below my ear to my collarbone.
My hand flies up to touch the darkest one.
The memory of Lucas’s mouth on my skin floods back, and heat rushes through me.
He sucked and bit my skin while I touched myself.
I can almost hear his whispers in my ear.
Then I remember Jake found us, and I lied to his face with these marks trailing down my neck.
Hopefully, he’ll keep it to himself, and his whole family won’t know by noon.
Regardless, I can’t deny I’m smiling like an idiot over Lucas Jolly marking me as his. Some primal part of me loves it.
The smile fades as reality crashes back in, and I remember what Lucas said. He’s waiting for me to be ready, to be sure, to not break his heart again.
He’s always waiting on me.
Guilt slams into me and I sink onto my bed.
I hurt him so badly, and that’s something I wish I could take back. Hearing the pain in his voice when he talked about how he couldn’t commit because none of those women were me was heartbreaking.
I don’t like myself for killing something so kind inside of him.
If I could go back in time and shake eighteen-year-old me, I would. I’d grab her by the shoulders and scream at her not to leave. Not to get on that plane. Not to throw away everything for some dream that would actually become a nightmare.
I’d tell her that she already had everything she could ever want and need.
I had a good man who loved me at my rawest form, someone who never wanted to change me. A town that supported my baking with a future full of possibilities.
I was too young to understand the opportunities that were already in the palm of my hand.
There was a stupid part of me that was convinced bigger meant better, and education meant appreciation.
I was too desperate to prove myself to a world that only wanted to make me someone I wasn’t, with people who never mattered.
For what? For me to pick back up where I left off?
Now I’m thirty-four years old, covered in hickeys from my secret ex-boyfriend, in my childhood bedroom, trying to figure out if I can trust myself not to fuck this up again.
How sad is it that it took losing everything to recognize how great my life was before? And now, I’m so terrified that I’ll get everything back, and I still won’t appreciate Lucas. What if he decides I’m not what he wants? What if I’m not capable of being the person he deserves?
The thought almost destroys me.
I move to my closet, grabbing clothes for the day.
A turtleneck will solve some of this problem, except for the one right below my ear.
I settle on a dark green one that hugs me tight.
I rush through getting ready, trying to scrub away the smoke from my skin while in the shower.
After I dry my hair, I pull it into a side braid, hoping it’ll cover more.
Then I try to hide the hickey not covered by my shirt with some cheap concealer that expired a decade ago.
It’s better than nothing and kinda works.
This will have to do.
I check the time and see it’s already eight thirty. The bakery usually opens at nine, and I’m usually there by five thirty at the very latest to bake thousands of cookies. I’ve never been this late.
I grab my phone and see two texts from Emma.
Emma
Heard you were found.
Emma
Jake told Hudson EVERYTHING.
My face burns thinking about Hudson and Emma knowing what happened. Without responding—because what the hell would I say?—I shove my phone in my pocket and head downstairs. Mom’s in the kitchen making coffee.
“Morning, sweetie,” she says without turning around. “Where were you?”
“Out.” My voice sounds too high.
“With Lucas?” She glances over her shoulder at me. Her eyebrows shoot up.
“Mom—”
“I’m not saying anything.” But she’s smiling as she pours her coffee. “Just that it’s nice to see you two together again.”
“I really have to go. I’m late.” I’m already moving toward the door.
“HoHo?”
I stop and turn back, remembering the first time she called me that in front of Lucas. He had everyone calling me HoHo at school. Went over really well.
“Don’t you hurt that boy again,” she warns.
I nod because I don’t trust my voice. The words hit me square in the chest because I was naive to think no one noticed Lucas had changed after I left. The whole town watched him break, and now they’re watching to see if I’ll do it again.
Seconds later, I’m out the door and in my car on the way to the farm before my thoughts can spiral any further.
The morning is beautiful, and I can still see some frost on the ground, sparkling like glitter.
The sky is bright and clear blue without a cloud in sight. The sun seems brighter somehow, like the whole world shifted on its axis last night. Everything seems different now. Maybe it is. Confessions is always a dangerous game.
I pull into my parking spot at the bakery and take a deep breath. Through the windows, I can see Bella, Wendy, and Bethany moving around the kitchen effortlessly. Bethany is pulling cookies from the oven. Bella is stocking the front while Wendy puts dough on baking trays.
My mouth falls open because the shop is running like a well-oiled machine.
This whole time, I’ve been micromanaging everything.
Even though I’m away from Paris and Dominic, I’ve been trying to control every tiny detail.
I’ve trusted no one but myself, assuming this place will fail without my constant supervision. But these girls are crushing it.
They’re talented and capable, and I’ve been treating them like they might burn the place down if I’m not there. I’ve been so afraid of losing control that I haven’t given them more responsibilities.
I take a deep breath and get out of the car. The bell jingles when I push open the door, and all three girls look up.
“Holiday!” Bella’s eyes narrow as she studies my face. “You look…different. Rough night?”
I ignore her question. “Sorry I’m late. I never oversleep and—”
“We’ve got it covered,” Wendy says, gesturing around the immaculate kitchen. “We’re actually not far behind.”
“Amazing.” I move closer and survey their work. The dough is portioned perfectly on the baking sheets. The cookies coming out of the oven are golden and baked evenly. The workspace is clean and organized. It’s exactly how I would have done things. Maybe better.
“See?” Bethany grins. “We can handle things when you’re not hovering.”
She laughs, but her words are true. I haven’t been trusting them. I’ve been controlling things because I couldn’t let go.
“You’re right. The three of you have done an incredible job. Thank you.” I tie on an apron and move to wash my hands. “I’ve been—”
Bella is staring at my neck with wide eyes. “Wait. What’s that?”
My hand flies up, and she moves closer, peeling my turtleneck down to reveal the other dark marks that I didn’t bother covering. All three of them are staring now.
“Is that a hickey?” Wendy gasps.
“Multiple hickeys?” Bethany asks.
“No. It’s—I burned myself. With a curling iron.”
“Four times down your neck?” Bella crosses her arms and fights a smile. “You suck at lying.”
My face is on fire. “Can we just—”
Bella squeals. “You and Lucas! Finally!”
“We didn’t—nothing happened. We just—” But I can’t finish the sentence because what can I say? We just got drunk and I touched myself while he sucked on my neck? That’s something I’m going to keep to myself. This is proof that something did happen, something I can’t deny.
Wendy is already digging through her purse. She pulls out a makeup bag that’s bigger than my entire collection of cosmetics. “Here. Let me actually cover those for you because whatever you tried to use isn’t working.”
She guides me to a stool and tilts my head to examine the damage. “Wow. He really went for it, huh?”
“Shut up.”
“I’m not judging. Too much.” She uncaps concealer and starts dabbing it on my neck. “You never forget your first love, do you?”
“No,” I whisper. “You really don’t.”
Wendy meets my eyes in the small compact mirror she’s holding. “There you go. Can’t even tell. This stuff will cover up anything.”
“Thank you,” I say, letting out a relieved breath.
“Don’t mess it up this time,” Bella says, examining her older sister’s work. “Can’t even see them now.”
“What is that stuff called?” Bethany asks.
I glare at her. “No, ma’am.”
I bring the turtleneck back up, happy they’re now invisible.
Wendy squeezes my shoulder. “Now let’s bake some cookies.”
The rest of the day flies by. We sell out right after lunch, and I’m not even stressed about it. The girls handle the disappointed customers with grace. Bethany leaves for her afternoon classes while Bella and Wendy take the lead on prep. I only step in when they ask for help.
It feels good to let go and actually manage. It’s almost like I’ve been carrying a weight on my back and someone just lifted it off me.
Customers comment on my good mood all morning. One woman says I’m glowing. Another asks if I’m in love. I deflect and smile and box up cookies while humming along to the Christmas music playing overhead. Lucas would notice and make a comment about it. The thought makes me smile wider.
Around two, I lean against the counter, watching Bella and Wendy clean up. Through the window, I can see how packed the farm is. There’s a line leading to Santa’s workshop, where Lucas’s dad is posing for photos with customers.
This place. This town. This life. It’s everything I ran away from and everything I spent fifteen years trying to recreate somewhere else. The magic of Merryville was always here, waiting for me to be ready for it.
My phone buzzes in my pocket.
Lucas
How’s your neck?
I bite my lip to keep from grinning like a lovesick fool.
Holiday
I owe you one. Actually, three.
Lucas
Don’t tempt me with a good time, Peaches.
Holiday
You couldn’t handle it.
Lucas
Probably. Good day?
Holiday
Actually yes. Really good. Don’t need help prepping.
Lucas
Can I still see you?
The text sits there between us, and I stare at it for a long moment. Last night shifted something between us. Showed me that maybe, possibly, we could have a second chance if I don’t screw it up.
Holiday
You want to?
Lucas
Don’t make me beg.
Holiday
Kinda wish you would.
Lucas
Come to my place after work.
Holiday
That’s not begging.
Lucas
Oh please, Holiday. You know I don’t have to.
My heart does something stupid in my chest.
Holiday
Fine. But only because you used your manners and said please like a good boy.
Lucas
Yeah, you’re gonna think good boy. See ya at 6.
I’m still smiling when Bella appears at my side. “You’re texting him, aren’t you?”
“Maybe.”
She does a little happy dance. “Lucas and Holiday, sitting in a tree—”
“Do not finish that sentence,” I warn.
“F-U-C-K-I-N-G!” she sings anyway.
I shake my head. “Lies. Trust me. Lucas is cockblocking himself.”
“Sounds about right.”
As we finish up and I lock the bakery, I can’t help wondering if I can have this.
The lightness I was feeling dims just a little and fear creeps back in. The doubt that’s been my constant companion since I met Dominic whispers that I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not worthy of anything good.
But then I catch my reflection in the front windows of the bakery. And I look like my old self.
Maybe that’s enough.
Maybe being me is exactly what I need to survive this.
I let myself be present in the moment instead of spiraling while thinking about the future.
Right now, I’m happy. And it’s Lucas’s fault. He was the only one who could ever turn my frown upside down. Seems like that still stands true.