Chapter 3
Charlie
I jumped at the sound of the door slamming behind me. I didn’t mean to close it so hard, but I was pissed. The thing was, I didn’t know who I was more pissed at—Reagan or myself. I shouldn’t have called the graphic she showed me a doodle. The truth was, it was absolutely amazing. I always knew Reagan was talented, but not that talented. In all of the time we’ve been together, she had never shared this side of her. A supportive wife would have told her all of that. Not me, though. I had to turn it into a fight about money and how hard I’m working. It’s almost impossible not to at this point though. I’m barely a functioning human these days, because of this stupid job. I don’t want to resent Reagan, but there’s a part of me that can’t help it.
Then there was that comment she made. I could tell she regretted it as soon as it left her lips, but it was too late to take it back. She said it, and if that’s how she truly felt, I didn’t know how we could come back from that. My mom and I were working on our relationship, and the birth of the triplets certainly seemed to help, but so many of my deep-seated issues started with her. If I was like her…I shook my head. Reagan is wrong. I’m nothing like my mother.
A part of me wanted to turn around and walk right back inside so Reagan and I could work this out, but I had a bad feeling that if I did that, it would only be a temporary fix. Things had been so up and down between us since the move and I didn’t want to make up and have it be a temporary high, just like last weekend. I wanted to figure out how to actually work this out—not just this fight, but all of the issues we’ve been having.
How was I supposed to figure that out though? It’s not like there were magic words that would suddenly fix everything. I felt like I was grasping for straws.
I needed to talk to someone, but who? My family was out. My parents would obviously automatically take my side—even though they’ve come a long way, I could tell they still held resentment toward Reagan as if she was the only reason why I’m gay. Jamie and Nana were the opposite. I was sure they wouldn’t hesitate to take Reagan’s side, and I didn’t need someone to make me feel worse than I already did.
That’s when it hit me. I took out my phone and tapped on the contact whom I had no doubt could help me in this situation.
“Charlie! To what do I owe the pleasure?” Kennedy asked when she answered her phone.
Kennedy and her wife Skylar had been two of our best friends since we met them at the beach a few years ago. Since they had technically been separated and on the verge of a divorce when we met them (but now are still very happily married), they understood the toll that a relationship can take on you. They knew what it felt like to constantly fight to the point that you weren’t sure what else to do. I didn’t think my issues with Reagan were at that level, but I also didn’t want them to get there.
“Reagan and I have been fighting a lot.”
“You’re not thinking about…”
Kennedy’s voice trailed off, but it didn’t matter, because I knew what she was thinking. On my wedding day, she told me if it ever got to the point that Reagan and I were fighting a lot, I needed to call and talk to her, rather than doing something rash like threatening a divorce (a mistake she had made in the past).
“No, no. It’s not that bad, but I wanted to talk to you before it became that bad.”
“That’s very smart of you. I wish I had done the same. It definitely would have saved months of heartache.” We were both silent for a moment before Kennedy spoke again. “So, what’s up? What’s been going on?”
“I think I’m starting to resent my wife, and that’s the last thing I want.”
“Okay. And why do you feel that way?” The soft knowing tone of Kennedy’s voice caused my body to relax for the first time in what felt like months.
“You know how I switched to that corporate optometry job when we moved?”
“Of course. You joked how that company was known to steal your soul and rip out your heart, but also paid their doctors a lot of money, so it was worth it.”
I cringed as I thought about how I once actually believed any amount of money was worth the complete crumbling of my mental health. “Well, it turns out it’s not a joke. It also turns out that it’s not worth the money.”
“Are you going to get a new job?” Kennedy asked, as if it were actually that simple.
“That’s the problem. I can’t, because I’m the one who is making all the money right now. I wake up every day with a lead plate in the pit of my stomach, because I’m dreading work so much. Even on days I don’t work, I still feel sick just thinking about going back. Meanwhile, Reagan is at home, not an ounce of stress surrounding her as she pursues every passion imaginable to try to figure out what she wants to do next.”
“Just playing devil’s advocate here, but are you sure Reagan isn’t stressed?”
“How could she be?” I asked with a scoff. “She gets to spend hours every day enjoying our children while her mom helps her with everything, and even with her mom’s help, she still can’t take the time to find a job.”
“Okay.” Kennedy was quiet as if she was considering everything I had just said. “I can definitely see how that would be frustrating from your end and I am in no way taking sides, but since I figure you called me to help you see the other side in this situation, I’m going to do that. When it’s you and Reagan at home, working together to take care of the triplets, is it easy?”
I scoffed again. How could she even ask that? “Not at all. No matter what I do, whether I’m at work or at home, I feel like I’m in a constant state of drowning. I’m not even living anymore. I’m just trying to survive.”
“So, even with two adults, you’d say it’s pretty tough to take care of three young kids, right?”
“Of course. It’s—” I snapped my mouth shut when I realized what Kennedy was getting at. “Okay. Touché.”
Kennedy laughed lightly, but there wasn’t a hint of judgment in it. “Have you asked Reagan how she’s feeling? Like not just a simple ‘hey, how are you?’ but how she’s actually doing. You obviously know your wife better than me, but I can’t see Reagan being completely laid back about letting you do all the work.”
“I’m not doing all the work,” I said quickly, finding myself becoming overly defensive over the woman I had essentially been saying that exact thing about ever since we moved.
“I know.” There was a hint of cockiness to Kennedy’s voice, but it wasn’t of the ‘ I told you so ’ variety. It was confidence in knowing she was getting her point across.
“Okay. You’re right. Maybe I haven’t been completely fair to Reagan. But I feel like I try so hard to hold in what I’m actually going through so I don’t make her feel bad, but it always ends up backfiring because I get to the end of my rope and snap at her.”
“I’m going to tell you something my best friend told me years ago that has stuck with me all this time. She said that you can do everything in the world to get your point across, but nothing works as well as just flat out telling the person how you’re feeling.”
“But I have told Reagan how I’m feeling—probably too much. My mood swings and my lashing out on her are a big part of the reason we’re having so many issues.” Even though I had known deep down that this was the case, this was the first time I was admitting it to myself rather than automatically putting all of the blame on Reagan.
“But have you told her how you were feeling after you actually took a breath and gathered your thoughts?”
I sighed as I looked toward the ground where I was running my foot along the dirt. “No. I guess I haven’t.”
“Start there. Tell Reagan how you’re really feeling. Let her know exactly what this job is doing to your mental health. Until you do that and listen to what she’s feeling in return, you won’t actually get anywhere.”
“You’re right. Thank you, Kennedy.”
“No need to thank me. Just figure this out with your wife so you can put your focus on more important things, like when we’re all getting together again.”
For the first time in a week, I laughed and actually meant it. “Sounds good. Thank you. And thanks for understanding. Thanks for not automatically taking my side or making me feel like I’m a terrible person.”
“There’s no side to take in this. You and Reagan are two wonderful women who are trying to figure out how to navigate this new world. You’re both doing everything you can. I don’t doubt that one bit. I also don’t doubt that this is just a minor blip in your long love story.”
I spent the next few minutes talking to Kennedy about what was new in her life then hung up so I could make things right with Reagan.
When I got home, I didn’t find her downstairs in the kitchen or family room, so I walked up the steps to find our bedroom door shut. I softly knocked and laid my head against the cool wood. “Reagan? Is it okay if I come in?”
“Yep.”
There was a crack to her voice as if she had been crying, and as soon as I opened the door and saw her red eyes and pink cheeks, I knew that was the case. I ran over to the bed and immediately wrapped her up in my arms, placing a kiss on her forehead as I held her. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry. Please . I’ll do anything.”
“How can’t I?” Reagan asked through a new set of tears. “I hate myself for what I said to you. It was heartless. It was one of the worst things I could have said, and I’m not sure why I did.”
“You’re right. It hurt hearing that you saw me that way, but it wasn’t without prompting on my end. I’ve been so hard on you since the move. In the midst of all my complaints and lectures, I haven’t actually taken the time to ask how you’re doing. But I am now. How are you really doing, Reagan?”
Reagan sat up slightly and took my hand in hers. She looked down at me, and I could see the love shining from her eyes. It was the same look she had given me when we made love last weekend—a look I had taken for granted recently, but refused to ever again. “Before I answer that—I need you to know that I didn’t mean what I said about you sounding like your mom. I shouldn’t compare you to her. Not after everything she’s put you through. The way you were hounding me like nothing I did was good enough felt like something she would do to you, but I know it doesn’t actually compare. I’m sorry for making it seem like it did.”
I squeezed Reagan’s hand. “You don’t have to apologize. I get it. I’ve been pushing you so much lately. It makes sense that you would snap and say things you don’t mean after all of that. I don’t blame you. Seriously, though. How are you?”
Reagan took a deep breath and blew it out. “That’s a loaded question.”
I motioned with my hand for her to continue. “Try me.”
Reagan wiggled around on the bed, then sat up straighter. “I love the life we’ve made together. Don’t get me wrong, I really do. I adore our kids, and I’m really happy we moved back here. But, I don’t know. I guess I thought when we moved here, everything would just click into place, and instead, it seems to have done the opposite. I’m completely lost over what I want to do, and I feel like I keep letting you down over and over again.”
“You’re not letting me down. I promise.”
“Are you sure? It definitely seems that way. No matter what I do, it’s like nothing is good enough. And I know it’s because I haven’t done the one thing you’ve been hounding me to do. I get it. I really do. I just… I don’t know. I guess I’m just really lost right now.”
I understood that feeling all too well. “That definitely makes two of us. I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you.”
Reagan shrugged. “It makes sense. We need the money. I haven’t been doing what I should be for our family.”
“That’s the thing though. You really have been. You’re home with the kids every single day. Even with your mom here, I know that’s not an easy task at all. You have dinner waiting for me most nights when I walk in the door, and even after being with the kids all day, you still take on the bulk of the responsibility for them so I can relax. I didn’t notice any of that because I’ve been so caught up in my own misery. I know I’ve told you this multiple times, but I don’t think I’ve expressed it the way I should have. I hate my job. Every day when I wake up, I feel physically ill, because I dread going in so much. They load my schedule up with so many patients that I can barely breathe throughout the day. Half the time, I miss my lunch because I’m running so far behind, since the idiots who make my schedule don’t have any idea how long it actually takes to do an eye exam. I don’t feel like I’m making a difference the way I did when I owned the practice. Hell, a lot of the time, it feels like I’m doing the opposite. When I get home, I’m so exhausted, I can’t even enjoy our beautiful children. I know it’s all temporary, but right now, it doesn’t feel that way. I’m scared I’m going to be stuck in this never-ending cycle forever, and that will be my life—going through every single day just trying to survive. Not actually living.” I laughed and shook my head at my verbal diarrhea. “I know it sounds ridiculous. I’m sorry.”
Reagan stared at me for what felt like forever, her eyes burning straight through mine and into my soul, and for the first time in so long, it felt like she was actually seeing me. “It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all. I should be the one who’s apologizing. You’re working so hard to make sure our family has everything they need. Meanwhile, I’ve been so caught up in my own head about what to do next that I didn’t see just how much you were struggling. I knew you hated your job, but I don’t think I realized how much it was affecting you, and I’m sincerely sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. I haven’t exactly been an open book.”
Reagan shook her head. “It’s not okay, and you shouldn’t be working a job that’s taking such a huge toll on your mental health. I don’t care if it’s only temporary. Life is way too short to spend any of your time here completely miserable. I think you should give your notice.”
Even though I knew she would be supportive, that was the last thing I expected Reagan to say. “I can’t do that. What about money? What about healthcare insurance?”
Reagan shrugged. “We’ll figure all of that out when the time comes. I’m the girl who kissed my fake boyfriend’s twin sister when she still thought I was dating her brother. I like to jump, then think about the consequences later.” Reagan pushed her shoulder against mine playfully and gave me her trademark smile that made me fall in love with her the first time and continue to fall in love day after day. “In case you were wondering, it’s worked out pretty well for me in the past.”
“Are you sure? Because I heard the girl you fell for has been a pretty sucky wife lately.”
“I’m positive. I love you more than anything in the entire world, Charlie, and I absolutely adore the life we’ve made together even if it has been a little messy lately. So, you’ll give your two week—”
“Sixty-day,” I interrupted. “According to my contract I have to give them a sixty-day notice, or I’ll owe them money for the days I don’t work during that time.”
“Fucking assholes.”
I chuckled at Reagan’s bluntness. “You’re telling me. I think I’ll actually do three months though. It gives us slightly more time to figure things out.”
“Are you sure? Three months is a long time to torture yourself.”
I nodded. Lately, every day felt like a year, but knowing it wasn’t going to last forever made it not seem so bad anymore. “I think having an end date will make things easier for me.”
***
It turned out, I was right. As soon as I gave my notice, I felt a million pounds lighter. Getting up for work didn’t feel like complete torture. I was so much happier that I almost convinced myself maybe this job wasn’t as bad as I had made it out to be in my mind. Almost . The job fucking sucked, and the way I ran out and didn’t even look back on my last day, only proved how true that was.
“Congratulations!” Reagan shouted when I walked into the house after work that day. “You’re officially no longer employed by the devil.”
I followed her voice and the sounds of “Yay, Mommy!” through the house and into the kitchen, where I found balloons decorating the room and a chocolate cake with peanut butter icing (my favorite) sitting on the counter. “Congrats,” was written sloppily along the top of the cake.
One at a time, each of our kids ran over to me and wrapped their arms around my legs in a hug. I felt my eyes burning as tears threatened to fall, and at the moment, I wasn’t sure if they were happy tears or sad tears. When had these three gotten so big? I felt like I missed them growing up over the past year, but I also knew that wasn’t going to happen anymore, and relief flooded through me.
“Did you have a good last day?” Reagan asked as she wrapped me in a hug.
I laughed at the question, feeling lighter than I had in a very long time. “It was awful, which in a way, was wonderful. A very good reminder of why I left that place.”
“I’m so happy to hear that. I have some good news of my own.”
“Oh yeah? What is it?”
“Remember how I was messing around and drew a scene from the one book I was reading?”
How could I forget? I had to remind myself to breathe when Reagan reluctantly showed me what she had been working on, because it was so beautiful. “Of course I remember. And if that’s you messing around, I’d love to see what you can do when you actually try.” I poked her in the side to show her I was only kidding. I never again wanted to make her doubt how proud she makes me.
“Well, I put it up on my Instagram last week and tagged the author, and she shared it in her story. After seeing it, a few people reached out asking if I do commissions, so I’ve been thinking about doing it. But you’ll never guess who messaged me today.”
“Who?”
“Laurel Lake!” The way Reagan’s face lit up as she said the name told me I should know who that was. It sounded so familiar, but since I didn’t really read, I wasn’t sure why.
“That’s amazing! Now, remind me again who Laurel Lake is.”
“Really, babe?” Reagan rolled her eyes at me. “We literally met her at Ethan’s charity event a few years ago. The Christmas one.”
“Oh! You mean Kinsley, right? The one who is married to Grace—the girl who went to my school. I would have known if you said her real name.”
“Okay, okay. Whatever. Anyway , she asked me if I wanted to design the cover of her next book.”
“No way! Are you kidding me?” I asked as I pulled Reagan into another hug. “That’s amazing. You told her you’d do it, right?”
“I told her I would let her know. I wanted to talk to you first. Since it’s the first one I’m doing, I don’t want to charge a ton, so it’s not like we’re going to make a bunch of money from it, but I think this could open the door to more opportunities like this for me. I think this might have been what I was waiting for, even though I didn’t realize it before.”
“You need to message her back immediately. This is a huge opportunity, Reagan. Don’t let it pass you by!”
Reagan’s eyes lit up even more, and it was so cute, it made me want to kiss her from head to toe. “Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure! Get your phone out and tell her you’re doing it.”
Reagan pulled her phone out of her pocket and quickly typed out a message. When she slipped it back into her pocket, there was a huge shit-eating grin on her face. “What a day. This calls for an even bigger celebration.”
“I hope you’re not going to suggest going out to eat,” I said, gritting my teeth just thinking about it. “You know what a disaster it was last time.”
“Nope. Not what I was thinking.” Reagan took both of my hands in hers and her smile became even wider to the point that I was scared what was about to come out of her mouth. “Let’s go to Disney World. Not tonight obviously, but in a few months. This summer. Once it’s warm out again.”
“Are you serious right now?”
“Of course I am. It’s perfect. We always said that Disney would be our first trip as a family. The kids will be two by the time we go. What better timing than that?”
After everything we’d been through over the past year, I didn’t want to be the one to burst her bubble, but one of us had to be realistic. “Honey, neither of us have a job right now.”
Reagan shrugged. “I know, but I’ll do a ton of commissions, and whenever you’re ready, you can start doing fill-in work until you figure out what’s next for you. You said doing stuff like that pays ridiculously well, right?”
“Yeah, but—”
“Then we’ll be fine,” Reagan said before I could finish my thought.
I shook my head. “Okay, but money aside, you want us to go to Disney World with three two-year-olds? Have you met our children? They aren’t exactly getting any calmer.
“We’ll ask my parents to go. You know, if that’s okay with you.”
I was always happy with more sets of hands, and I loved Reagan’s parents. “Of course that’s okay.”
“So, that’s a yes? We’re doing this?”
I nodded, unable to stop the excitement that began to course through my body. I couldn’t help it. The energy emanating from Reagan’s body was contagious. “Let’s do it.”
“Guess what kids?” Reagan asked as she looked down at our three children who were being uncharacteristically quiet and well-behaved. “Mommy said yes! We’re going to Disney World.”
All three kids shouted and jumped up and down as if they could actually comprehend exactly what was happening. It was such a happy moment, I almost missed the obvious. “Wait a second. You knew you were going to suggest Disney and you told the kids?”
Reagan shrugged, the grin on her face suddenly a sly one. “What can I say? Leverage. I had to make sure you said yes.”
“I can’t believe you.” I playfully pushed her away from me. “What are we waiting for? We have a trip to plan.”
***
I skipped around as I cleaned the house while the kids napped and Reagan and her mom prepared dinner. It was crazy how much could change in a week. I was so relieved to be free from that job that I wasn’t even stressed about money at the moment. Sure, it helped that once Reagan posted she was opening up commissions (and a few authors who were apparently big names in the sapphic fiction community, including Laurel Lake, reposted it), she received a surprisingly large amount of requests. Plus, I was already getting calls about places I could fill in. I hadn’t said yes to any of them yet because I needed a moment to breathe, but it made me feel better to know I had options.
I was in such a good mood that I didn’t even think twice about picking up my phone when I saw my mother was calling. “Hey, Mom! What’s up?” I asked as I put the phone on speaker and walked into the kitchen to see how dinner was coming along.
“I’m shocked you picked up. Sometimes, I swear you’re screening your calls.”
I am. “Nope. Just super busy.”
“How are my babies doing?”
“They’re great. Not so much babies anymore, though. They’re getting huge.”
My mother sighed as though the thought of my children growing stressed her out. “That’s why I’m calling. I miss them and want to see them. You never come to visit.”
That’s because visiting Maryland isn’t relaxing for anyone. “Roads work both ways, Mom. It’s much easier for you and Dad to hop in a car than for me and Reagan to pack everything we need to travel with three kids, then actually travel with them.”
“Speaking of traveling, your nana told me you’re going to Disney World this summer.”
“I didn’t tell her.” My nana’s voice was faint through the phone, but I could tell she was yelling. “She heard me talking to your brother about it.”
“James says you invited him to go with you.” The tone to my mother’s voice told me I wasn’t going to like whatever she had to say next. “That’s nice of you to include your brother, but he doesn’t have children. He won’t be able to help you take care of them the way someone with experience would.”
Is she trying to get me to invite her? Hell no. Not happening. “Don’t worry. We asked Reagan’s parents to come along, so they’ll be able to help.”
My mom sighed once again. “What did I do to deserve this?”
Seriously? I rolled my eyes at Reagan and her mom who both gave me a knowing smile, then turned off the speaker and left the room so they didn’t have to listen to the fight that was most likely about to break out. “What are you talking about, Mom?”
“You never invite us to do anything. It’s always your in-laws.”
I rubbed my forehead as I contemplated how to answer. The last thing I wanted was to fight with my mom, especially when things had been fairly good between us since the kids were born. At least, as good as they could be with my mom.
“I’m really trying, Charlotte,” my mom said before I could think of how to put my thoughts into words.
“I know. I just… I don’t know. That’s a lot of people, Mom.”
“Just think about it, okay? More hands means more help with the kids.”
More help did sound great, but I still wasn’t convinced I wanted that help to come from my parents, especially not my mom. “Okay. I’ll think about it. The triplets are napping though, so I have to go. I don’t want to wake them up.”
“Of course. Love you, sweetie.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
I hung up the phone and walked into the kitchen where I dramatically threw myself into one of the chairs. “Guess who wants to go to Disney with us?”
“If you say your mom, I’m going to pour this pot of boiling water over my head.”
“Reagan,” her mom said before she swatted her in the arm. Her tone was scolding, but the small smile on her face told a different story. “Be nice.”
“I am nice.” Reagan walked up behind me and began to massage my shoulders, causing my tension to instantly melt away. “In fact, I’m so nice, I think we should say yes. Let them come.”
I swung my head around to look at Reagan. She had to be kidding. Just a few seconds ago, she was threatening to burn herself at the thought of my mom coming. There’s no way she actually wanted her to come. “Please tell me that’s a joke.”
Reagan simply smiled and shrugged. “Why not? More people means more help. God knows we could use it.”
“I can think of about a million reasons why we shouldn’t have my parents come, the main one being that my mom has found a way to ruin every big moment in our lives.”
“You say ruin. I say she gave us memories to look back on and laugh at.”
“It is nice that she wants to be involved,” Mama Cooper added. “Plus, we’ll be there to act as a buffer. You know I’d never let her ruin your first family vacation.”
“See?” Reagan leaned down to place a quick kiss on my lips. “What could possibly go wrong?”
“So many things.” So, so many.