Chapter 9
Charlie
You should skip this chapter…
It had only been two weeks since my Nana’s birthday and I was itching to get back to my hometown again. Since I normally avoided Maryland like the plague, I had no idea why I was feeling such a strong pull to go back. My thoughts kept circling back to my nana and how I needed to spend more time with her. Her big hundredth birthday celebration was the worst reminder of how little time I had left with her, and I didn’t want to have any regrets once I (heaven forbid) did lose her.
“Would you hate me if I went back to Maryland this weekend?” I asked Reagan as we sat together and watched TV after all of the kids were asleep.
“I don’t hate you, and I’m coming too,” Reagan said without hesitation. “We all are.”
Luckily, Jamie and Ethan were more than okay with a few last minute house guests, so a few days later, we went to stay with them.
I called Nana as soon as we arrived and felt a strange sense of relief when I heard her voice on the other end of the phone. “Hey, Nana. I was just wondering if you wanted to get dinner with just Reagan and I tonight. Jamie and Ethan volunteered to watch our kids for some reason.”
“They must have a death wish.” Nana laughed her trademark laugh and it breathed life back into me. “But I do want to see those three rascals, so I’ll have your dad drop me off at Jamie’s house before we go. It’s a double positive for me because I can make sure I don’t starve to death waiting on you two.”
I told Nana to be at Jamie’s house at four-thirty, so she arrived right on time (for her) at four o’clock.
“Nana!” All three kids shouted as they ran to greet her at the door.
Nana let out an oof sound as all three of them ran into her at once. She laughed as she wrapped her arms around them. “There’s my three crazy monkeys.”
They all giggled then grabbed her hands and dragged her into Jamie’s family room to show her the virtual reality game they were playing with Finn.
Finn handed the headset to Nana. “You should try it,” he said shyly.
Nana looked at the object in her hands as if it had come from outer space. Honestly, to her, it might as well have. Finn explained how it worked and helped her put it on, then put a game on for her. After a few minutes of struggling with what to do, Nana became entranced by the game and was swearing while she swatted at something on her screen. It was an image I’d never forget. At least I hoped not. I wanted to etch it in my brain forever.
Why am I being so sentimental this weekend? What is happening to me?
When she was done playing, she threw herself onto the couch and blew out a long breath. “You all wore Nana out, but that was fun.”
Carter crawled onto the couch, book in hand as usual, and snuggled up next to Nana. “Nana, can I read this book to you before you go?”
“There’s nothing I want more, sweetie.”
Carter moved to sit on Nana’s lap and opened her book. Both of them appeared completely content and happy as they sat close and shared this moment together. I pried my eyes away from them to see if Reagan noticed the sweetness happening in front of us.
What Reagan didn’t notice was me looking over at her because all of her attention was on Nana and Carter. She was beaming—wide, unblinking eyes, an infectious smile filling her face. I looked back and forth between Reagan and Nana and Carter and could have cried from all the love filling my heart. This was my world, and I loved it.
The moment was broken when Ronan shouted. “Watch me do a flip!”
I moved my eyes to where he was now standing on the far end of the couch. Before I could say or do anything to stop him he jumped off and flailed his body in a way that could somewhat resemble a flip if you really used your imagination. Of course, he didn’t land on his feet. Instead, he flopped onto his side and hit his head on the floor. Thank god Jamie has carpets. I held my breath as I waited for his response, which came in the form of him laughing hysterically and saying, “That was awesome.”
I let out my breath and shook my head at him. This was my actual world, and it was crazy, but that didn’t matter. I really did love it, and I wouldn’t change a thing. Fifteen minutes (and many hugs) later, we were finally able to get out of the house to take Nana to dinner.
“Where to?” I asked once we were in the car, expecting Nana to immediately answer with one of the usual chain restaurants she went to like Applebee’s or Red Robin.
“There’s actually an Italian Restaurant about ten minutes from here that opened a year ago. I’ve been meaning to try it, but I haven’t had the chance. Do you mind if we go there?”
“Of course.” I hoped it wasn’t an overly fancy restaurant since I was only wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt, but either way, it didn’t matter. If this was what Nana wanted, it was what we were doing.
The dinner was spectacular and it wasn’t even because the food was out of this world (which it was). She told stories of when I was young. We laughed about that first summer when Reagan came to visit with Jamie. We discussed our relationship and the ups and downs Reagan and I have had throughout the years, and Nana offered advice for a long, healthy relationship. We even talked about the future and what was to come for us and the kids. Nana listened intently and gave her opinion where it was warranted. I had so many amazing memories with my nana, but this night might have been the best ever.
When we dropped her off, I gave her a long hug. Even though we had plans to see her again in the morning, there was a part of me that felt like this goodbye was permanent. I tried to shake these thoughts from my head, because I didn’t want to think like that. Nana was healthy. At least as healthy as one would expect from someone her age. She didn’t have any terminal illnesses. There was no reason to believe I wouldn’t see her again. Still, as I held her tight, I took in everything about the moment—the scent of her perfume, the way her arms felt wrapped around me, how safe she made me feel. When I pulled away from her, I kissed her forehead and told her how much I loved her. As we got into the car, I took one last look at where she was standing by the door. Most people don’t know the last time they’ll see someone, but deep down, buried inside of me, I knew I wasn’t going to see Nana alive again.
When my phone rang early the next day with a call from my mom, I thought about not answering it. My stomach was in knots over what I knew she was about to tell me. I had no idea how I knew, but I did.
“Mom?” I asked, my voice shaky. “Is Nana okay?”
The silence on the other end of the phone seemed to stretch on forever until my mom said a barely audible, “No.”
It took forever for me to actually comprehend everything that followed, even if my premonition told me it was coming. Nana wasn’t breathing when they went into her room that morning. She had gone into cardiac arrest while she was sleeping and never woke up. She had gone peacefully and hadn’t experienced any pain.
A fog settled around me when I told her I would catch up with her soon and hung up the phone. I woke up Reagan and we cried together. After a few minutes, there was a light knock on our door and Jamie and Ethan walked in. There was no doubt from the look on their faces that they had gotten the call as well. Instead of saying anything, I moved closer to Reagan and patted the empty spot next to us on the guest bed. Jamie and Ethan joined us and the four of us hugged and cried some more.
“Mommy? Mama?”
The sound of a sweet young voice coming from the hall made another horrible reality crash into me. “We need to tell the kids.” I looked over at Reagan whose face was streaked with tears. “God, how do we do this? I need to be strong for them, but right now, I feel anything but strong. How do we tell them?”
Reagan reached out and squeezed my hand. “Together. We tell them together. It’ll be okay.”
“We’ll be right out, sweetie,” Reagan called out. “Just give us a minute.”
By the time we pulled ourselves together enough to get out of bed and open the door, all four kids were waiting outside of it. Olivia tilted her head at Jamie. “Why are you in my mom and mama’s room?”
Jamie gave me a very brief questioning look before smiling back at Olivia. “We were just talking.”
“Speaking of which.” Reagan cleared her throat. “Olivia, Carter, and Ronan, could we talk to you inside the room?”
Jamie put his hand on Finn’s shoulder as he and Ethan walked out of the room. “We need to talk to you, too.”
“Are we in trouble?” Olivia asked as we all sat down on the bed.
Ronan shared a look with Olivia and put his hands in the air. “I swear that lamp fell on its own last night.”
“This isn’t about a lamp, I promise.” I put my arms around Olivia and Ronan at the same time Reagan pulled Carter onto her lap. “It’s about Nana.”
I could feel my heart rate increasing as I tried to think of what to say. Luckily, Reagan touched my arm and gave me a look that said I’ve got this .
“Last night, Nana went to be with Patch.”
“In heaven?” Carter asked softly. When Reagan nodded, her eyes turned down toward the comforter. “Is she coming back?”
“No. When people and pets go to heaven, they don’t come back. At least not in the physical sense. We might not be able to see Nana anymore, but she’ll always be with us.”
For a long time the kids were eerily quiet, and I wondered if they fully understood what was happening. Then Ronan looked at me with tears in his eyes and my heart broke all over again.
“Is it okay to be sad?” He wiped his eyes with his arm. “Because I feel really sad right now.”
His question finally helped me to find my voice. “It’s always okay to be sad, sweetheart. I’m sad, too.”
“So am I,” Reagan said.
Olivia and Carter both nodded in agreement as well. For the next few minutes, we all sat in silence. If my heart wasn’t so heavy with grief, I would have loved this detour from our usual craziness. Even with the sadness, I still took a moment to appreciate this time with my family. I may have lost a very important person, but knowing I had these four helped me to carry on.
The next week flew by, yet also seemed to stretch on forever. I canceled my appointments for the week and Reagan told her clients that their commissions might end up a bit delayed. We helped my parents prepare for the funeral and stood by her casket at the viewing as person after person came by to tell us about how much she meant to them. The funeral was small and the get-together that followed was even smaller. We all felt the real celebration of Nana’s life had taken place at her birthday party. Nana deserved to be remembered the way she was that night—alive and thriving. Not just a body in a casket that was lowered into the ground.
As Reagan and I lay in bed together the first night back at our house, I thought about how thankful I was that we had so much time with my nana leading up to her death. “I know I’ve said it multiple times, but I mean it even more now. Thank you so much for planning that birthday party for Nana. This obviously isn’t easy, but I think having that final hoorah with her made it a tiny bit less hard on everyone.”
“You don’t have to thank me. It was clearly meant to be. I just put it in motion. I should be thanking you for having us go there last weekend. As soon as you mentioned it, I knew we needed to go. I couldn’t explain it, but something in me clicked and told me this needed to happen.”
“That’s why I suggested it. I felt this strange pull, like I had to see her. Thank god. That last night with her was perfect.”
Reagan leaned over and kissed my temple. “It really was, wasn’t it? I almost felt like Nana knew her time was coming really soon. Like she wanted to leave us with something.”
“Wait.” Her words suddenly reminded me of something. I hopped from the bed and went through our bag we had yet to unpack until I found the two envelopes my dad had given to me a few days prior. “Nana apparently gave these to my dad a few months ago. It looks like they’re letters or something. I’m not sure why mine is in such a big envelope though.”
I handed Reagan the smaller envelope and opened up my large Manila envelope that contained two smaller envelopes inside. One said my name and the other said my mom’s but had a note that it shouldn’t be read until a year after Nana’s passing.
I waved my mom’s envelope in the air. “I’m not sure why I got this one.”
Reagan shrugged. “Maybe there’s an explanation inside yours.”
I opened the envelope to find a handwritten note from my nana. As soon as I saw her handwriting on the page, my heart clenched and the tears started to fall, so I wasn’t even sure how I would possibly get through it. But I owed it to her to try.
My dearest Charlie,
If you’re reading this, it means my time has come to an end (finally, right?!). Please don’t be sad for me. I lived a long, happy life. The best part of that life was definitely the past 38 years because I got to watch you and Jamie grow up. I watched you grow from a wild little girl to an outgoing teenager and into your own person throughout college and optometry school. But my favorite version of you was definitely the version I’ve seen these past ten years or so, because you were being your true, authentic self. I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am of the woman you’ve become. You are a wonderful doctor, a loving wife/sister/friend/daughter/etc, and the best mom in the entire world (so much better than the one that raised you).
Never give up on your dreams. Never stop being true to yourself. And remember — you are never too old for sex!
I know none of this is groundbreaking, but it turns out I don’t have all the answers (just most of them). I just wanted to make sure you had one last piece of me to always keep with you. Take care of those crazy kids and that trouble-making wife of yours. Most important — never stop making your mother feel uncomfortable.
I love you, sweetie. You are everything right about this world, and I want you to know that you changed mine.
All my love,
Nana
PS — I’m trusting you to hold onto the letter to your mom for a year before you give it to her. I couldn’t resist making her think she’s the only one who didn’t get one. HA!
As I laughed through my tears, I looked over at Reagan and noticed that she was doing the same as she stared down at her own letter. I held mine out toward her. “Wanna swap?”
She answered by grabbing the paper from my hand and holding out hers. I wiped my eyes then began to read the words my nana had written to Reagan.
Reagan,
I know neither of us wants this to be overly sentimental, so I’m going to try my best not to make it too mushy (no promises though). I know I didn’t have as much time with you as I did with other people in my life but the years that you were a part of were always an adventure. From catching my great-granddaughter with her hand down your pants when I thought you were engaged to my great-grandson, to watching you awkwardly letting my granddaughter-in-law know that the ring she found was from you for her daughter, to never realizing just how thin walls are, you always keep things interesting.
I loved getting to know you and letting you get to know me too. Bet you never thought a woman born in my time would have so many wild stories, huh?
What I’ll never be able to thank you enough for is everything you’ve done for Charlie and Jamie. They were wonderful children, but it felt like they lost themselves somewhere along the way. I truly believe you are a big reason they were able to stick up to their asshole parents and become the people they were meant to be.
Please take care of them for me, but also, take care of yourself. I know I like to tease you, but I can’t even begin to tell you how much respect I have for you. I love you, and even though I know they don’t like to admit it, your in-laws do too. Honestly, I think it kills them how much they like you since they wish they could hate you.
Thanks for everything you have done for my family. I know I’m leaving them in good hands with you (especially Charlie since you can’t seem to ever keep your hands off of her).
All my love,
Nana
“I can’t believe Nana is withholding your mom’s note just so she thinks she didn’t get one,” Reagan said with a laugh. “That woman is savage even from the grave.”
“I really wonder what she wrote in my mom’s letter.”
“I guess we’ll find out next year.”
I rolled my eyes. “I doubt it. There’s no way my mom is going to tell us what it says, especially because it’s probably mean. Or at the very least, contains some harsh truths. I’m half tempted to sneak a peek now.”
Reagan shook her head. “Absolutely not. I feel like Nana’s ghost would haunt us.”
“That’s insane, but also, probably true. So, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”