A Very Tentacular Honeymoon (Tentacular Tales)

Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

Captain Starblade was starting to fear he’d made a terrible mistake in admitting his feelings to Vardox. But even he could no longer deny that it was true. Damn and blast, but he was falling for the seductive villain.

“Darling, if you keep scowling like that you’re going to create wrinkles on that handsome face of yours,” Vardox drawled.

Starblade took a sip of his meteor-grade mead and studied the pub at the inn where they’d decided to stay for the night on Falwar V. Despite his better judgment, he’d allowed Vardox to talk him into a brief getaway together.

Taking up most of the ground floor, the pub was filled with both the inn’s overnight patrons and locals stopping in for drink and food.

Starblade and Vardox were seated at a cozy table in a dimly lit corner of the room, for which Starblade was grateful.

He was still skittish about being seen in public with Vardox.

“We should take this opportune moment to discuss our future together, my mate,” Vardox purred with pleasure.

Starblade’s cheeks warmed. “I haven’t consented to be your mate yet. That seems… premature.” He lowered his voice. “I only just agreed to start… er… dating you.”

Vardox’s expression turned sardonic. “So our many months of fucking beforehand meant nothing? I’d say we’ve been ‘dating’ for well over a year.”

“Th-that doesn’t count,” Starblade sputtered, grasping at straws.

Vardox waved a dismissive hand, his claws glinting in the low light. “Whatever you say, my sweet captain. In the end, all that matters is formally making you my mate.” His eyes flashed with fiery determination. “And trust me when I say, I’m a Masnok who gets what he wants.”

Starblade’s cock throbbed in anticipation at Vardox’s words.

It was a rather unfair twist of fate that no one else in the godsforsaken universe could ignite such passionate desire in Starblade besides the villainous Lord Vardox.

Yet even Starblade was forced to admit that perhaps Vardox wasn’t quite as evil as he’d first believed.

The man had risked life and limb to save Starblade and his crew when they were kidnapped by a Katnu space pirate, after all.

Just recalling the Blood Duel Vardox had fought to win his freedom made Starblade’s chest ache and his gut churn with fear. Perhaps he simply needed to stop fighting and fully give in to his need for Vardox?

Black holes and bollocks! It wasn’t just his body that wanted Vardox, it was also his foolish heart.

—The Tentacular Tales of Captain Starblade, Ch. 170

River

“Welcome aboard the N-TRON!” Nirblob says, his chest puffed out with pride.

Kai and I pause in the middle of rolling our new suitcases aboard the ship, currently cloaked from prying human eyes and stationed out in the desert, far enough away from the Valley of Fire Base to give us a danger-free takeoff, and look around.

“Yes, you’ve taught me the glory of acronyms, River. The N-TRON stands for Nirblob’s Traveling Research and Orbital Navigator. Mwahahaha! It’s my greatest engineering achievement yet, and the fastest ship in several galaxies. I’d stake my sizable fortune on it.”

It does look pretty darn impressive. I mean, it’s no Starship Enterprise, but it’s really fucking cool. Designed for a much smaller crew, the ship’s interior space is still surprisingly roomy. Nirblob gives us a quick tour before taking us to the guest suite where we’ll be staying.

Am I vibrating all over with the barely contained excitement of a kid high on too much sugar?

Yep.

But I’m trying to keep my shit together even though I want to ooh and ahh at every little thing I see because, come on, I’m on a freaking spaceship! One that’s going to take me on my honeymoon light-years away from Earth.

Kai’s not oblivious to my predicament and just ruffles my hair fondly with one of his tentacles.

Best. Hubby-boo. Ever.

We stop in front of a mechanized door that Nirblob opens by typing a code on the screen pad on the wall.

It whooshes open just like on Star Trek—sweet!

—and I nearly shove past him in my eagerness to look inside.

Then I promptly lose my grip on my suitcase and freeze, staring around with equal parts awe and disbelief.

Our room is basically love hotel meets Austin Powers on alien crack.

The floor is bright orange and reminiscent of shag carpeting—but it also kind of looks like it’s alive and…

moving. And yes, that’s just as disturbing as you might imagine.

I tear my eyes away from it to stare at the giant heart-shaped bed that’s covered with red satin sheets and pillows.

The wall behind the bed is painted like a psychedelic trip gone wrong while the one opposite it seems to be plastered with wallpaper in a phallic-inspired pattern.

Even Uncle Benji’s psychedelic paintings have nothing on this.

“Am I tripping balls right now?” I whisper to Kai.

“Nope. It’s all terrifyingly real,” he whispers back.

Nirblob stands with his hands on his hips, tiny chest puffed out with pride. “What do you think of my Super-Duper Love Pad?”

I choke on my own saliva.

“Ah,” Kai replies dryly. “So that’s the, er, aesthetic you were going for.”

Nirblob nods his oversized head. “Of course! I took inspiration from my favorite villain between the sheets—Lord Vardox, naturally. I wanted to make sure I had an appropriate boudoir in which to woo my very own future Captain Starblade.” He sighs dreamily.

“I just know he’s out there in the universe, waiting for me to find him. ”

I clear my throat and try to ignore the way the carpet fibers are definitely moving. “I love your optimism, my friend. I’m sure you’ll meet your true love someday. And this… room will certainly be a big surprise to whoever that is.”

That’s putting it mildly.

“Tonight, it’s all yours.” Nirblob rolls closer and gives me a cheeky little elbow nudge in the side. “You two newlyweds should enjoy it to the fullest. Mwhahahaha!”

And with that, he whirls around on his roller skates and goes sailing out of the room, cape fluttering behind him.

Kai blinks dazedly. “Is it just me, or are my eyes still being assaulted by the color scheme in here?”

I wince. “No, it’s not just you. Nirblob means well, but sometimes struggles a smidge with the execution, especially when it comes to things like romance.”

Kai whistles softly. “It’ll take a very… unique individual to fall for his particular brand of weirdness.”

I silently agree, but in solidarity to my friend, I say nothing.

After all, even though the room is on the kitschy and garish side, Lord Vardox would probably approve of the sentiment behind it.

Sure, the décor may be a tad much, but I can tell Nirblob put a lot of care into it.

Everything is high quality—the bed’s very comfortable, the bathroom has an enormous tub built for two or more, and there’s a nice walk-in closet so that if one were staying long-term, they’d have plenty of space for their things.

We stow our luggage in preparation for takeoff, not bothering to unpack since we won’t be staying on the ship for very long.

Nirblob’s told us we’ll be at our destination by morning Vegas time.

Kai and I then make our way back to the navigation room.

When I detect a faint vibration under my feet as we walk through the corridors, I turn downright giddy.

Who cares about semi-cringey love-nest rooms? We’re traveling to motherfucking outer space!

Nirblob’s voice comes over the ship’s comm system. “River, if you want to play Captain Picard, you need to get your butt to the bridge pronto!”

“Galactic gods,” Kai says, shaking his head. “You’ve converted him already, haven’t you?”

I grab his arm. “Duh. Come on, I can’t miss my Star Trek moment!”

With that, I drag Kai down the remainder of the corridor at a brisk jog until we reach the ship’s navigation room, where Nirblob is waiting for us.

When I step inside, I have to marvel. My many hours of educating Nirblob about essential sci-fi pop culture has paid off because the brilliant brainiac has in fact modeled this part of the ship after the bridge on the Starship Enterprise, albeit on a much smaller scale.

He’s even got a high-backed command chair that swivels.

“Make it so, Number One,” I whisper to myself.

Nirblob waves a gloved hand with grandeur. “Welcome to my command center.”

He doesn’t have any support crew apart from a little robot that can handle basic engine maintenance and other repairs.

As he proudly told me earlier, only he knows how to finesse his new baby.

In all honesty, I totally believe him. That big brain of his isn’t just for show.

Turns out, as I discovered not long ago, Nirblob’s a bit of an inventor genius.

Of course he designed and built his ship all by himself, and to a level most others could never understand. That’s just how my friend rolls.

Kai and I are simply along for the ride.

When my hubby-boo told me he was organizing a honeymoon trip to Tentacular Tales Con, I was over the freaking moon—and Mars and Saturn, to boot. As soon as Nirblob found out, he immediately volunteered to take us there in his ship since he was already making the journey himself.

He’s one of my biggest fans, and thankfully, a friend to the Alliance now.

I poached his brilliant little ass from Layne Madison—aka Darth Laynder—and we reaped the rewards big time.

Instrumental in helping us quell a dangerous alien invasion, he was a total stealth hero in Operation CHAOS.

Without his ingenious weapon design and the mega whammy of his GLITCH switch—a computer virus that compromised the invader ships’ systems—I’m not sure that we would have succeeded in our mission, or at least not without potential casualties.