Chapter 33
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
LEXI
THEN
W hen I woke up, for a brief moment, I forgot.
I forgot my brother wouldn’t be in his bed.
I forgot my brother was shot.
I forgot my brother was dead.
Every morning, I waited to see his face or hear his voice. Each time I walked past his bedroom, I stopped and looked in just to see if he was in his bed still asleep or if he was down in the kitchen making a morning coffee. Every time I closed the bathroom door to shower, I waited for him to knock on the door and yell at me for taking too long like he usually did, but it never came. He was just gone and I didn’t know how I was supposed to survive in a world without him. We had never been apart from each other and we had relied on each other for so much of our lives that I’d never been on my own. I felt like I’d lost a limb, like I was walking around with my arm or my leg missing, but it wouldn’t come back. Jay wouldn’t come back.
I had hardly been able to leave my room and if I did, it was only to shower or move into Jay’s bedroom instead of my own. Ryan hadn’t left the house either; he had been there since the night it happened. Preston came by the following day and picked my dad up to take him to the clubhouse to see Jay, but I couldn’t go. I couldn’t see him like that. Preston sat by my dad’s side every day and helped organize Jay’s funeral. I stayed away from every part of the conversation. I wanted to be there for my dad because no parent should ever have to bury their own child, but every time I heard someone talk about him, I fell apart again. I had lost track of the days, each one blending into the other until this morning, when Ryan told me I needed to get ready for the funeral.
* * *
I was sitting on my bed in the black dress Bella had bought over for me to wear. She tried to put on my makeup but it had taken us over an hour because I kept crying and smudging it. I hadn’t stopped crying in a week. I was surprised my body had any more tears left to cry. Bella reached down and grabbed another tissue before blotting my cheek to try and fix the makeup again.
“Lex, it’s time to go, baby.” I looked up at Ryan as he stood leaning in my doorway. He was wearing an all-black button up shirt and black dress pants with his leather Viper cut over the top. I could see the dark circles under his eyes from here. He had hardly slept those last few nights. I knew he was having nightmares about the shooting and most nights we just sat in bed wrapped up in each other’s arms. Both of us not sleeping or talking, just laying in silence.
“I don’t think I can go. I can’t say goodbye to him.” Another tear slipped down my cheek, but Bella didn’t wipe this one away. Ryan walked over and knelt in front of me. He put one hand on my knee and the other under my chin to bring my eyes to his.
“It’s not goodbye, Lex. He’ll always be here with you. I’ll be right by your side the whole time. You can do this.”
“I’ll be right there with you too, Lexi.” Bella wrapped her arm around my shoulder and gave me a tight hug. I looked between the Blake siblings and took a deep breath to try and compose myself before nodding and making my way downstairs to where my dad and Preston stood in their black suits.
“Oh, baby girl.” My dad pulled me into a tight hug at the bottom of the stairs as we heard loud engines arriving down the street. When a Viper member died, the whole club escorted the body to the cemetery for the funeral, and today was no different. I stood on the front lawn and looked at the black hearse that contained my brother’s casket inside and it was surrounded by multiple black Viper bikes.
The three bikes sitting at the front of the pack were without their riders; I knew one was Ryan’s and one was Preston’s and the other belonged to Haz who was walking up the driveway towards us.
“I thought you might want to ride with us today,” Preston said to my dad. My dad hadn’t been able to ride since the accident and Preston knew this, but what I didn’t see was the sidecar attached to Preston’s bike. My dad’s eyes filled with tears and I knew how much this meant to him, to be able to ride with the Vipers to farewell his son.
Ryan reached down, grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly as we approached the bikes. He passed me his spare helmet and helped me onto the bike as I wrapped my arms around his waist. Bella got on the back of Haz’s bike and our three bikes led the way to the cemetery.
Jay’s casket was surrounded by other Vipers and their families. Some people I recognized and others I didn’t, but this just showed how much this loss has impacted so many of them and not just us. My dad and I were the only ones sitting beside the casket while everyone else stood. Ryan stayed right behind me and kept his hand on my shoulder the entire time. My dad tried to keep his hand on my knee, but I was shaking so much that it kept slipping off.
“Jayden’s sister, Alexis, will now say a few words.”
Everyone’s eyes looked towards me. I must have blocked out the part where my dad asked me to speak because I had nothing prepared. Part of me yearned to speak for him, to him, but I just couldn’t do it. I looked around at all the people before bringing my eyes to the photo of Jay behind his casket. I couldn’t stay here.
“I’m sorry. I can’t be here,” I said as I stood from my chair and ran. I could hear Ryan behind me but I didn’t stop running as I let my feet guide me away from the funeral. I just needed to be anywhere but there.
“Lexi, stop running,” Ryan said as he finally reached me. He grabbed my arm to stop me and tried to pull me into him, but I put both my hands on his chest and pushed him back.
“I can’t be here, Ry. I need to leave,” I yelled through my tears. He looked down at me with the same worry in his eyes that he had all week, and I hated that I was about to hurt him.
“Okay, I’ll take you home then.”
“No, Ryan. I can’t be here.” I waved my hands around the cemetery, as if I was waving them around the whole town. “I can’t be in Haven Cove anymore. Everywhere I turn, I see him. I hear his voice coming from his bedroom even though he isn’t in there. I hear his bike pull into the driveway every day, but it isn’t him. I can’t keep living here where all I have is the constant ghost of my brother.” I wiped my hands under my eyes, not even caring about how smudged the makeup must’ve been.
Ryan ran his hands up and down my arms trying to calm me, and I spotted Haz walking down the hill behind us but staying far enough back to give us some space.
“Let’s go somewhere then, just us. We can go away for a little while.”
“You don’t get it. You’re a reminder too. Every time I see your bike in the driveway, I think it might be his. Every time I see you wearing that cut, I think about the fact that he isn’t by your side anymore. That he won’t ever be able to wear his cut anymore because he just had to join the Vipers after I begged him not to. Look what that got him. He’s dead.”
“Lexi, please just let me help you. You want me to stop wearing the cut? Fine, I’ll do it.” He took his hands off me and reached up to take his cut off before throwing it on the ground.
“You’re always going to be a Viper though. I can’t just sit by and wait for it to be your funeral next. I love you, Ryan, but I can’t be a part of this life anymore.” I reached up and kissed his cheek. My lips were wet from his tears. I turned around and ran away again, but this time he didn’t stop me. I refused to turn back around because if I saw him again, I would stay and I couldn’t stay.
I ran the whole way home and straight up to my bedroom, grabbing a large bag out of my wardrobe. I didn’t even know where I was going to go. I just knew I had to leave and I had to leave before Ryan and my dad got home. I threw a pile of clothes into the bag before going into Jay’s room to get a few of his sweatshirts so I could still keep a part of him with me. As I drove down the street, I swore I could hear a bike behind me, but each time I looked, there was no one there. This was the exact sound I was running from. I continued to drive with no destination in mind except as far away as possible.