Chapter 40
Bobby did think about Ernie’s proposition, or she tried to. But her mind was so clouded with thoughts of Charlie, she couldn’t make any sense of what he was asking from her.
It was bewildering. Ernie King! And he was really in love with her.
This man, who could take his choice when it came to women.
Handsome, exciting, and wealthy too apparently, with a life to offer that would exceed the wildest dreams of any other WAAF on the camp.
Yet he had chosen her – the one woman of his acquaintance who couldn’t return his affections.
It was certainly flattering, but that didn’t help her decide what answer she ought to give.
She wasn’t going to let a massaged ego make her choice for her.
Could she have feelings for him, once she got over her love for Charlie? Would she ever get over it? It didn’t feel possible, but she couldn’t go on feeling this way the rest of her life, surely. The pain would be unbearable.
Yet whenever Bobby thought about Ernie, and tried to picture him taking Charlie’s place in her heart, Dilys’s words forced their way into her brain. If I had a love like that, I wouldn’t ever give up on it…
But what choice did she have? She couldn’t make Charlie love her, if his affections had been engaged elsewhere.
She refused to be one of those pathetic creatures who cried their life away for the love of a man who was indifferent to them.
And here was another man, kind and brave, offering her his heart.
When she thought of Ernie standing before her, his large frame shaking while he confessed his feelings, she felt such overwhelming pity.
She was fond of him. He made her laugh, and she enjoyed his company. She even enjoyed their occasional battles. That wasn’t love, but perhaps Ernie was right. Love might grow as they found out more about one another.
So why did her heart whisper that she was doing something wrong, whenever she had almost made up her mind to say yes?
Bobby felt like an automaton over the days that followed, going through the motions of her life in camp while her brain wrestled perpetually with thoughts of Ernie and of Charlie.
She didn’t feel like she could talk to her friends about what had happened. Carol had still only half forgiven her for monopolising Ernie the night of the NAAFI dance. Strangely, when she did eventually confide in someone it wasn’t any of her peers. It was Mulligan.
She was typing in the commandant’s office on Thursday afternoon, the day Ernie was expected to return from leave, when Mulligan slapped a letter Bobby had typed down on her desk.
‘Bancroft, you’ll type this again,’ she ordered. ‘It’s riddled with errors.’
‘Literals,’ Bobby murmured.
‘I’m sorry?’
‘Hmm?’ Bobby roused herself. ‘Oh. Sorry, ma’am. When I worked in newspapers, typing errors were called literals.’
‘Well whatever you want to call them, you’ve been making far too many the last few days.’
‘I’m sorry. I’ll do it again.’
‘See that you do.’ Mulligan’s glance drifted to Bobby’s wedding finger, and her voice softened.
‘Look, I can’t pretend not to know there’s something going on.
It’s up to you if you choose to talk to me about it, but as your senior officer, part of my responsibility is for your welfare.
If you need anything, my door will always be open. ’
Bobby couldn’t help it. She burst into tears.
‘Th-thank you,’ she whispered through the sobs. ‘You’ve been… so kind.’
Mulligan sighed. ‘Come and sit at my desk, Bancroft.’
Bobby did so, mopping her eyes with her handkerchief.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I know my mind hasn’t been on my work. I will get better.’
‘Your wedding’s off, I suppose.’
‘Yes. My fiancé… ex-fiancé. He stopped writing to me. You might as well cancel that leave I booked for early May.’
‘Do you know why he stopped writing?’
‘I suppose there must be another woman.’ Bobby laughed through the tears. ‘And as if my love life wasn’t complicated enough, three days ago Ernie King asked for permission to court me. He’ll be in the NAAFI this evening, expecting an answer.’
Mulligan blinked. ‘Ernie King wants to court you?’
‘He wants me to marry him and move to Canada. He says he’ll wait for as long as it takes to make me fall in love with him.’ Bobby blew her nose. ‘Sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you this. There’s no one I can talk to. My friends here wouldn’t understand.’
‘He’ll wait as long as it takes, will he?’ Mulligan said with a dry smile. ‘How like a man. They always seem to think that if they want something badly enough, they’ll get their way in the end. Even something as elusive and delicate as a woman’s heart.’
‘What answer do you think I ought to give him? I’d value your opinion.’
‘What answer do you want to give him?’
‘I don’t know,’ Bobby mumbled. ‘When I think about how he looked when he asked me – how much pain he was in – I feel like I owe it to him to say yes. But my heart keeps whispering that if I do, I’m betraying Charlie.
I know that’s foolish, after he threw me over, but I can’t just change my feelings. ’
‘I do know how you feel,’ Mulligan said quietly.
‘I had someone I cared deeply for, once. Even now, I think that if someone else were to show any inclination… but never mind me. Just know that you don’t owe Ernie King anything.
Think of what you owe yourself, and choose the path most likely to bring you happiness when you reach the end. ’
‘I want to. It’s so hard to see clearly through the fog.’
‘I know.’ Mulligan reached out to give her hand an awkward pat.
‘This isn’t the advice you’ll probably get from anyone else, especially not your friends.
Young women do tend to have stars in their eyes about romance, no matter how cynical they profess to be.
But my advice is to ignore your heart, and follow your head.
I know it’s got a good brain inside it. Choose wisely, Bancroft, but most importantly, choose for yourself. ’
That evening, Bobby stole out of the recreation hut, where her friends were laughing as they read out their stars and listened to Gert and Daisy on the wireless.
She knew if she told them she had a date to meet Ernie in the NAAFI, many awkward questions would be asked.
Certainly she would never be allowed to go unaccompanied.
She had made a decision. She wasn’t sure it was the right one, but it was the one her head told her she ought to make, regardless of the guilty prodding of her heart.
Sure enough, Ernie was waiting for her. A cigarette was resting in the ashtray, lit, but he seemed to have forgotten to smoke it. He just sat alone with his chin on his hand, staring into space.
Bobby slid into the chair next to him. He glanced up, and took off his cap.
‘Slacks.’ He summoned a smile. ‘Hey. Missed you, kid.’
‘Are you all right? You look preoccupied.’
‘Just having a row with my conscience. Don’t worry about it. You want a drink?’
‘Um, no, thank you,’ Bobby said, puzzled by his odd behaviour. ‘How are Topsy and Teddy?’
‘Thriving. Funny how they get along so well together, isn’t it? They’re not at all alike.’
‘I know.’
‘A bit like us, huh?’
‘Perhaps.’
‘Listen, Slacks—’
‘Please. Let me go first.’ Bobby took a deep breath.
‘Look, Ernie. I’ve been thinking, and… I can’t promise anything.
My feelings for Charlie… you’re right, they aren’t a tap I can just turn off.
Believe me, I wish I could. But I’m fond of you, and I do appreciate how you feel.
I mean, I’m honoured, really, that someone I respect as much as you should feel anything of that nature for me.
I am sorry to have caused you pain. And…
well, to cut to the chase, the answer’s yes.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to feel what you want me to feel, but I think I owe it to myself, and to you, to at least see what’s at the end of the path.
So… yes. The answer to your question is yes. ’
Ernie made a noise in his throat and closed his eyes tightly.
Bobby frowned. ‘Ernie?’
‘It’s a yes?’ he said quietly. ‘You’ll be my girl?’
‘I will. Or at least, I’ll be your friend to begin with and we can see what the future brings.’
‘Oh… God.’ He laughed bitterly, pushing his fingers into his hair.
‘Is something wrong?’
‘You don’t know how much I’ve dreaded hearing you say that.’
Bobby blinked. ‘This was what you wanted, wasn’t it? I’m sorry I can’t offer more – not yet – but we can see where things go.’
Ernie just sighed, the muscles in his face working feverishly. He looked like a man with a battle raging inside him.
‘Slacks… look, you know how I feel about you,’ he said in a choked voice. ‘I really don’t want to do this. But if I don’t, I’ll despise myself for as long as the Almighty decrees I’m going to live.’
‘Do what?’ Nothing he was saying seemed to make any sense.
‘I… I have to withdraw the offer, all right?’
‘Withdraw the offer?’ Bobby stared at him. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘I can’t do it. I’m sorry.’ He laughed again. ‘You remember once asking me if I’d ever stand aside for the love of a woman as Teddy did, and I said she’d have to be one hell of a girl?’
‘I remember,’ Bobby said, feeling more confused by the minute.
‘Good. Hold on to that thought.’ He opened his eyes again, and turned to grasp her hands. ‘You’ve arranged some leave this weekend, right?’
‘Yes, on Saturday afternoon. Not that they know it at home. I’m planning to surprise them.’
‘Do me a favour while you’re there, will you? Go see Topsy.’
‘I won’t have time to see everyone. I’ve only got a few hours, and I really want to visit my family.’
‘You have to see Topsy. She’s got something to show you.’
Bobby frowned. ‘Something to show me?’
‘Yeah. At the hospital.’
‘Oh yes, she said something about that. It can’t be that important though, surely.’
Ernie laughed his bitter laugh again. ‘Trust me, you’ll want to see this.’
Bobby looked down at her hands in his. ‘Ernie, I’m confused. What’s going on?’
‘Just do as I ask. Please, as a favour to a friend.’ He leant forward to plant a kiss on her forehead, then stood up. ‘Go see Topsy. If the answer’s still yes after, come find me. But I know you, Bobby, and I’d bet everything I have that it won’t be.’
Bobby stared after him as he strode out, his face twitching with strong emotion. What the hell was going on?