Chapter 7 #2
“Tonight,” he said. “Us.”
She swallowed. And then she swallowed again.
On the surface, the moment should have been near perfect. Alone with her husband, words spoken that would ordinarily evoke arousal, and standing so close with one hand on her waist and the other rested under her chin… Thalia wanted to feel something.
She even cast her mind back to that moment from the modiste. She tried to remember how she had felt when he was behind her, against her, his body pressing on her own. She tried to relive it, to hold onto it, to let it take her.
Frustratingly… there was something missing.
Thalia looked at her husband, searching his eyes for the truth of what he was saying. He spoke the right words, but she could not see their effect. He was still so cold, and so distant, as if he was speaking to a wall.
Does he even want me? How could he possibly?
“Now…” He straightened and his expression turned even more serious. She could feel his hand on her waist trembling, just as she could see a sense of nervousness behind his eyes. “It is time that you fulfil your promise…”
The Duke leaned in and kissed her on the lips. It caught Thalia by surprise and she gasped, nearly moved away, but steadied and gave in to the kiss.
She wanted to like it. She wanted to feel it inside of her.
Rosaline had told her what it was like to kiss a man who you had feelings for, how transportive it was, how freeing and relieving, as if his lips had the power to make you float.
She tried to feel it in her heart, throughout her body, anywhere she could to make this moment what it needed to be.
Sadly… the kiss was cold and sterile on her lips.
Why am I surprised? This is not what I want. This is not even what he wants. It feels as if we are doing so because we must, not because we should.
Despite her efforts, Thalia’s thoughts went to her parents, and she could not help but think about her mother.
She had been in a loveless marriage like this one.
Bound to a man who hated her. Tied to a situation that she could not escape.
Forced into a world of isolation and loneliness because the one person who was supposed to be there for her refused to so much as acknowledge her existence.
Worst of all, such a mode of living as that, had killed her.
A spike of fear struck Thalia. Fear of the moment. Fear of what was to come. Fear of who she was married to and where her life would lead if she did not do something about it.
Yes, she had made a promise, but that felt irrelevant. And as the Duke continued to awkwardly kiss her, Thalia became determined not to suffer the same fate as her mother had. No matter the const.
“No!” Thalia pulled her lips away, wrenched herself free, and stumbled back across the room. “I cannot… I… I can’t do it.”
“Excuse me?”
Thalia winced and looked at the Duke, which only worked to confirm the validity of what she had just done and why.
He did not look angry. He did not appear embarrassed or even confused. He stood stiffly, his brow slightly furrowed, his expression simple… almost relieved, she thought. But that felt unlikely.
“I am sorry,” she started. “I know that we had a deal. That you and I…” She swallowed. “I know what is expected of me. What you want from me.”
“And what you will give me,” he said. “I ask only one thing.”
“You ask more than you know.”
“Do I?” He took a step toward her. “Producing an heir is –”
“Right there,” she cut him off as she took a step back. “That. Producing an heir! You speak of what we are about to do as if it is a business transaction. As if you are signing your name at the bottom of a contract.”
“Is that not what we are doing?”
Thalia shuddered. “That is not… I do not think I can do this.”
“Thalia.” His voice hardened. “I know that this is overwhelming. That you are scared and a little unsure. But the entire purpose of this marriage is to…” He clicked his tongue. “To have a child together.”
“Which we will do,” she hurried. “I promise. I just need more time.”
“More time? What does that mean?”
Thalia thought quickly, searching for a way that she could get out of this without making it worse.
She knew that nothing she said would change the Duke’s mind completely, but if she could delay him, if she could…
I don’t even know. Make it so that he and I are not complete strangers?
So that I somehow want this… if such things are possible?
“A month,” she said. “Give me one month.”
He sighed. “And what difference will that make?”
“It will make all the difference,” she defended. “I know that you are I… that we have no desire to get to know one another better. That the entire point of us marrying was so that such things would not happen.”
“That’s right.”
“But that does not mean we have to be strangers,” she said with a touch of desperation. “If we take just one month to… to… to get used to each other. That is all. Right now, I hardly know you, and you hardly know me.”
“We do not need to know one another.”
“We do,” she said. “Despite what you might want, the fact is that we are married and will be spending the rest of our lives together. I am not suggesting that we fall in love or try to. I am not even saying that we must like one another.” She laughed awkwardly.
“But if we could… know each other a little better, then maybe this will not be so…” She trailed off.
“Awkward?” he offered.
She laughed. “Yes, awkward. We are going to bring a child into the world. Does that child not deserve to have parents who can tolerate one another’s presence? Do they not deserve to be happy?”
“And you think they won’t be?”
Thalia’s own childhood flashed through her mind and she shuddered again. “I know for a fact they will not.”
It was subtle, but a hint of frustration worked itself across the Duke’s features. “Thalia…”
“I am sorry, Your Grace,” she hurried to explain. “And please, know that I am not trying to escape my duties. But I just need time.”
“Time to get to know me better.”
“If that is acceptable?”
She looked at him with hope, begging that despite all she knew of this man, that he had a heart inside that ice-cold chest of his. That he was capable of feeling emotions like a normal man.
Time seemed to slow down as he studied her. Thalia could hear her heart thumping in her chest. Her body was shaking, her mind was rebelling, and she was all but certain that he was about to tell her not to be so foolish and then take her, as was his right.
“Caspian,” he said finally.
She blinked. “Excuse me?”
“My name,” he said simply. “It is Caspian. If you wish to get to know me better, or pretend that you do, you might start by using my name. Your Grace…” He shook his head. “There is no need for it.”
“Oh.” She blinked again. “I… yes, thank you. That is a good point. Caspian.”
He nodded once. “One month, I am willing to wait. But know this, Thalia, if the time comes and you try to escape your duties…” His expression hardened. “That would not be wise.”
“I will not,” she promised. “One month, that is all I ask.”
“So be it.” He looked at her a moment longer as if daring her to argue. She met his stare, wanting him to see that she was being truthful. And then, without another word, he strode across the room.
When he opened the door, he turned back a final time. “If you need anything, my room is down the hall.”
“Thank you,” she said, finding that she meant it.
He nodded once and closed the door behind him.
Thalia exhaled the moment he was gone. Her legs were still trembling, and she stumbled to the bed, collapsing onto it. The room turned around her, she could not stop shaking, and when she tried to calm her breathing, she found such an act impossible.
What just happened? How had it happened?
Thalia supposed that the what and the how did not matter. What mattered was that it had happened. She had just given herself one more month, a time frame during what anything might happen.
Now, it was likely too much to hope that during that time, the Duke would grow bored of her or change his mind and decide he did not want to have a child with her. This meant that she needed to use the proceeding month to do as she claimed: get to know the Duke better.
But Thalia did not want to get to know the Duke better. She did not want to grow close to him. She did not want this marriage at all!
The marriage she did want, the marriage she’d hardly dared hope for, was withered on the vine. And it was time she remembered that.