Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Caspian could not say what he was doing when Laurent arrived at his home. Wandering the hallways aimlessly, he supposed. Wondering to himself how he had gotten here, and how on earth he was going to get himself out.
He had won, or so people would say. His smear campaign against Lord Donmere had worked exactly as he planned, and now that the revolting lord was disgraced, his word was worth less than mud, and he could no longer hurt Caspian’s reputation.
It should have brought him joy. It should have brought him relief.
It should have made him feel vindicated. But ultimately, he felt nothing.
He simply did not care. What sort of victory was this if it brought him no satisfaction? What was the point in winning if there was no one to share the victory with?
I know now how wrong I have been, in everything I have done. So obsessed was I with what other people thought that I failed to consider the feelings of the one person who truly matters to me…
So, he wandered, he walked, he sulked about the manor in a state of emptiness, knowing what he should do but too afraid to do it. He had hurt Thalia and his greatest fear was that if he went to her, if he told her how sorry he was, that it would be too late and that she would never forgive him.
Worse that I do not deserve her forgiveness…
It was as these thoughts attacked him from every direction that he heard a commotion from somewhere inside the manor. He thought to ignore it, caring not for what it might be. But the commotion grew, shouting ensued, and soon he found himself walking toward the chaos.
That was when he ran into Laurent.
“Your Grace!” Laurent cried when he came upon him. “You must come quickly!”
“Laurent?” Caspian started. “What are you…” He trailed off when he realized that there would be but one reason for Laurent to be here. “Thalia. What has happened?”
“We don’t know,” he said. “She was fine, but all accounts, and then out of nowhere she collapsed. Doctors have been sent for, but we are waiting to hear –”
Caspian did not wait to hear the rest of what Laurent had to say. His stomach dropped with fear, the world turned around him, and he pushed through the feelings of morosity that took him as he strode past Laurent for the front door.
There was a carriage sitting in the driveway, no doubt the one that Laurent had taken to get here, but Caspian did not hurry for it. He called for a horse and even before Laurent was outside, Caspian was climbing atop that horse and kicking his heels into its side.
Fear played havoc with him as he pushed the horse as fast as it would go. This was his fault. His doing. Whatever the cause, whatever the malady, his actions were at the heart of it all. And if something should happen to Thalia…
No! Do not think that way. Do not dare to even consider it!
Thalia was sick and she needed him. Just as he needed her.
He arrived at Amberhall Manor far quicker than should have been possible.
Pushing the horse to breaking point, Caspian rode it to the front door and dismounted before the horse had come to a stop.
There, he strode inside without knocking, throwing back the front doors and charging forward as if the world was ending. In many ways, it was.
“Thalia!” he cried out as he made for the front steps. The staff were peppered about, and they pointed up the stairs and down the hall. “Thalia!”
He raced for what he presumed to be her bedroom. Outside the door, he saw her older brother waiting for him. Damien’s eyes lit up at the sight of Caspian’s charge.
“Your Grace…” He made for Caspian. “Thank God you –”
“Where is she?” Caspian demanded without breaking stride.
“This way.” Damien stopped short, turned, and strode toward the room. “She is awake, Your Grace, but weak and –”
“What is wrong with her? What happened?”
“We don’t know. The doctors are still on their way.”
Caspian reached the open doorway to Thalia’s bedroom and stopped. It was the first time he had done so since hearing that something was wrong, and the only reason that he did was to catch his breath… and to consider what was going on.
His breathing was ragged. His body was shaking.
And that pit in his stomach gaped and screamed at him because he felt as if his world was ending.
But through the doorway, he saw a sliver of light shine across the room and fall upon the single bed.
And when he followed its glow, when he saw who lay in the bed, he swallowed and forced down the fear because now was not the time for such things.
What had happened between himself and Thalia was not important. Not how they got here. Not who was at fault. What mattered was that his wife needed him.
With that in mind, he stepped into the room.
“Your Grace…” Rosaline knelt by the head of the bed. “You came.”
“How…” He swallowed as he waded further into the room. “How is she?” He dared to look at the head of the bed and his heart leapt when he saw that Thalia was awake.
“I have felt better,” she said weakly.
He gasped to hear her speak, but only because she sounded so pitiful.
And that spoke nothing to how she looked.
Lying in bed, beneath the covers, Caspian had never seen someone who looked so weak and broken.
Skin that was pasty and grey and covered in sweat.
Hair that was thin and lifeless. And heavy bags under her eyes. She looked close to death.
“Thalia…” His voice cracked and his knee wobbled as he limped toward her. “What… what happened?”
“She collapsed,” Rosaline explained. “It came from nowhere, Your Grace, one minute she was fine and the next –”
“Rosaline,” Thalia croaked. “Please.”
Rosaline looked between Thalia and Caspian, seeming to realize the situation she found herself in. She smiled weakly, touched Thalia on the arm, and excused herself. She slipped from the room and softly closed the door behind, leaving the two alone.
Caspian stayed back for a moment, unsure of what to do.
What he wanted to do was go to his wife, to take her in his arms, and to tell her that she would be fine because he would make sure of it. He wanted to show her that he was wrong, that he knew as much, and that he would be with her now until forever.
How did it take this happening for me to realize how I feel? I am ashamed and disgusted with myself. I do not deserve her forgiveness. And if she hates me, I will accept it.
“Thalia…” He took a step closer. “I… what happened?” he asked, not sure of what he should say.
She smiled weakly. “Oh, it could be anything. Likely a virus of some kind. Possibly food poisoning. It is nothing to worry over.”
“Of course it is.”
“True enough…” She laughed and then coughed. “Perhaps I have been a little run down and this is the result. The doctors will tell me soon, I am sure.”
He shook his head. “This is my fault.”
“I doubt that.”
“It is.” He took another step closer. “If I had not… I should not have let you leave.”
“Let me?” she raised an eyebrow at him.
He swallowed. “I should not have given you a reason to leave. I… I…” The words were right there; all he had to do was say them. “Thalia, there is something you should –”
“Before you say anything else…” She held up a hand to silence him. “Please, Caspian, let me speak.”
He bit into his lip, forcing himself not to speak. Still, he hurried to the side of her bed and dropped to his knees. There, he wanted to take her hand, but he stopped because he did not feel as if he had earned that right.
“You hurt me,” she said. Her voice was strained and tired, but it was the look in her eyes that hurt Caspian the most. The disappointment in them… the pain that he was the cause of. “You hurt me more than I thought possible.”
“I know I did,” he said quickly. “And you can’t know how –”
“Please…” She held up a hand to silence him again. “Caspian, this marriage… I know why it started the way that it did. I know what I promised you, what was expected. But you must know that things change. You must see that things have changed.”
“I do,” he said. “I see that now.”
“Do you?” she asked, her voice cracking. “I want to believe that, but it should not take me being sick for you to realize it. I want you to know it because you care for me, not because you feel guilty.”
“I’m not here because I feel guilty.” He took her hand then. It was cold and clammy but he held it tight. “I am here because…” He bit into his lip. “Because I was wrong, Thalia. About so many things.”
“Such as?”
“You are right,” he said. “About this marriage and how it started. We married for a purpose, and for so long I was convinced that was all which mattered. I clung to that belief because… because I was scared. For my entire life, I have believed that feelings… that emotions are a weakness. I was raised to think that way.”
“That sounds like an excuse.”
“It is fact,” he said, “not an excuse. And it is only recently that I have realized how wrong I have been to hold onto such beliefs. Feelings are not a weakness. They are not something to be spurned. They are…” His heart started to beat, and he pulled her hand to his chest. “They are proof that I am not the man I believed, which is a good thing…” He chuckled weakly.
“You changed me, Thalia, and for that I am grateful.”
“Changed you how?”
“You made me realize what it means to care for another. You made me see that marriage is about more than perception or expectation. You made me see that life is not meant to be lived alone.”
“And…”
He swallowed. “I have known for some time how I felt. I fought it. I denied it. I… I hated myself for it. Now, I understand how I feel, and for the first time, I am not going to run from those feelings.”
“And what feelings are those?”