Chapter 27 #2
He hesitated, which caught him by surprise.
All the ride here, and for the past few days, Caspian had known how he felt.
And even now, he knew the same. Only, fear once again took hold of him, that lingering feeling that to say what was in his heart would expose him to a world he did not understand.
What if she still says no? What if I put myself out there and she turns me away…
“I… I… I…” He stammered. “I care for you. I miss being with you. I…”
She closed her eyes, her face seeming to grow paler still. “Still, you cannot say it.”
“I can say it.”
“Then say it!” she cried. “Caspian, say it now, or I fear that everything Lord Donmere says is true. Say it now or lose me forever. Prove to me that losing me is something that you cannot abide.” She widened her eyes at him.
Caspian licked his lips as he looked at her. He searched her eyes, needing to see behind them her feelings before he expressed his own. He started to sweat. He started to shake. He started to panic…
That was when he pulled his gaze back to see a smile forming on her pasty lips.
His wife, she looked so frail and sickly.
She looked a shadow of who he knew. But also, and this was when he knew what he had to say, she looked beautiful.
The light shone across her, she glowed bright, and Caspian realized in that moment how she had felt about him always… and how he felt too.
What did it matter what others thought of them? What did it matter what people said? And why did he need Thalia to confirm her feelings before he confirmed his own? That’s not what love was about. Caspian’s only regret was that he did not realize this sooner.
He smiled and shook his head, soft laughter escaping his lips. “I’ve known it for some time, Thalia.” He kissed her hand. “And my fear was… that I would admit it, and you would think me a fool.”
“Admit what?”
A calm came over him, one that he did not expect. Caspian allowed himself to be swept up in it, a smile touching his lips, reaching his eyes, and he looked upon Thalia so that she would know the truth before he spoke the words.
“That I love you,” he said finally. “I love you, Thalia. How you feel about me is irrelevant. If you wish for me to leave and never come back… if you want to live by yourself… if the very sight of me disgusts you…” He laughed and shook his head again.
“None of that matters because I love you more than life itself, and nothing you do or say will change that.”
She beamed. “It is about time.”
“And…” He swallowed. “What of you?”
“Oh, you know how I feel…” She groaned and sat up. “What you don’t know is…” She bit into her lip as she considered. “When we married, Caspian, it was for a singular reason. And I need to know, if that reason comes to pass, that nothing will change.”
“A reason…” Caspian frowned with confusion. Thalia raised an eyebrow and then, ever so carefully, she moved a hand to her belly. His heart leapt through his throat. “Are you saying…”
“I am with child,” she said softly.
He gasped. “And your sickness…”
“Is unrelated,” she assured him. “I believe the child will be fine, and I am sure the doctors will say the same. But I am with child, Caspian, which means that this marriage…” She trailed off as she looked at him for a response.
“It means that this marriage is only just getting started.” He kissed his hand again. “I said I love you, Thalia, and that won’t change. I only fear that when the child comes, your love might come second.”
“Careful,” she warned him with a smile. “You only just confessed to loving me. Don’t even think about softening that declaration just yet.”
Caspian’s heart was full. Never in his life would he have imagined that being told he was to have a child would have that effect.
Until just now, the only reason he wished for a child was because he thought he must have one.
For so long, he had cared only for what other people thought of him, certain that was all which mattered in this world.
Now, the only person whose opinion he cared about was lying before him. With that in mind…
“Say it,” he told her.
“Say what?”
“Say that you love me.”
She rolled her eyes. “Well, if you need to hear it…” She shuffled up so that she was sitting. Then she leaned in close as if to kiss him, making sure to be looking at him the whole while. “I love you, Caspian. Not that you deserve such a thing, but dammit if it isn’t the truth –”
He kissed her before she finished speaking.
One hand on her chin, the other still holding her hand, Caspian planted his lips on Thalia’s as if he meant to breathe life into her. She accepted the kiss immediately, and where it was not their first kiss, it felt like it in many ways.
It was a kiss that said more than words ever could.
It was a kiss that dissolved the past, because that no longer mattered.
It was a kiss that opened the future, because that’s what they had to look forward to.
And it was a kiss that bound them both in love, finally confessed, finally confirmed, and there to be lived in.
“I love you,” Caspian said again as he pulled away. He touched his forehead to Thalia’s, closed his eyes, and smiled so that his cheeks hurt. “I love you, Thalia. Know it to be true.”
“I love you too,” she said. “My husband.”
“My wife,” he echoed.
They laughed together, the tension fading, the light shining, the world healing. It had been a rough week, and for a time there, Caspian had not known how he would go on. Now, he knew well what the future held, where his life would lead, and what he had to look forward to.
And while Caspian had never been one to let his emotions get the better of him, in this one instance he figured it would be fine to do. Tears fell down his cheeks, laughter escaped his lips, and he hugged Thalia because she was the light of his life, his world, and he would never let her go again.