Chapter 7 Aspen
ASPEN
SEPTEMBER
Sophomore Year
“It’s for the best,” I comment as I try not to glare at Ryan, Sage’s new boyfriend.
“Yeah, you look so happy for her,” Arthur sarcastically replies. “She keeps asking me when I’m going to ask you out,” he adds, giving me a pointed look. “She’s even suggested double dates now. When are you going to tell her?”
“When the time is right.”
“And it wasn’t right all summer when she was living with your family in Georgia?”
“No! She had that fancy internship at the lab in Atlanta.”
“What about all the best friend cuddle time that she was always going on about?” he pushes. “How many times did you pretend to complain that Sage kept you up late into the night talking about your dreams and planning out your futures?”
“She insisted that she couldn’t sleep as well alone in her room after sharing one for so long,” I remind him. “Cuddling in bed was definitely not the time to bring it up. Plus I didn’t want to distract her with something that doesn’t even matter,” I insist.
“I’m sure it would matter to Sage that her best friend, her roommate, the one she spent most of last year kissing at parties, is actually not attracted to men like she assumed and would very much rather be dating her,” he counters.
“Shut up,” I hiss, thankful that this party is loud and Sage is standing far enough away to not overhear us.
“You know the kissing wasn’t a big deal to her.
I don’t need her worrying that I was using her or that she led me on or something.
We didn’t kiss all summer,” I point out.
Even if there was a lot of casual “best friend cuddling” that she initiated.
“Now she has Ryan, so there’s no need to cause drama. ”
“I was with you all summer and at those parties. She might think your friendship is normal best friend behavior, but I’ve seen the way she looks at you.
Hell, I’ve seen the way she kisses Ryan, and it isn’t nearly as passionate as it was with you,” he says, rather unhelpfully.
He knows as well as I do that Sage doesn’t see me as anything other than her best friend.
“Sage is straight,” I remind him, rolling my eyes at whatever hope he seems to have that there could be more between us.
“She’s been obsessed with Ryan since she met him at that rush party.
Look at them, they’re practically holding court over there.
” We both glance back over to where Sage and Ryan are surrounded by a crowd, all enamored by whatever story Ryan is animatedly telling.
He’s the life of the party, bubbly, full of energy, and constantly making people laugh. “They’re perfect for each other.”
Arthur lets out a big sigh. “I really thought she liked you, that’s why I kept suggesting the kissing. I thought she wanted the encouragement. I’m sorry if I made it worse.”
I shrug. “It’s fine. I definitely wasn’t complaining.”
“Do you want to go on a fake double date with me so we can judge their relationship the whole time?” he offers.
I laugh at the suggestion, looking back at the happy couple and meet Sage’s gaze. She waves us over, so we make our way through the crowd as I answer. “Nah, I’m not that desperate.”
Ryan is in a different frat than Arthur’s usual group, but Sage invited them all tonight. Arthur’s roommate, Dustin, is talking to Ryan when we approach.
“Man, I can’t believe you took Sage off the market. I’m going to miss watching her and Aspen make out at parties,” he jokes. Oh my God, why can’t people move on tonight?
“I had no idea they used to do that.” Ryan laughs, his huge smile still in place. “But hey, I’m not stopping Sage from kissing anyone,” he adds, holding his hands up like he wants to prove his innocence.
“It wouldn’t bother you if I kissed someone else?” Sage clarifies, sounding genuinely curious. I try to tamp down the little ember of hope that flares to life in my gut. I shouldn’t want to kiss her again.
“Not if it was Aspen; she’s your best friend. I wouldn't want you to go around kissing other guys, but girls don’t count as cheating.” Do people forget that bisexuality exists? How does that not count? “It actually sounds really hot, babe. I’m bummed I didn’t get to see it.” Ryan pouts.
He’s only joking, but as he flashes big puppy dog eyes at Sage, she easily gives in to his suggestion. “What do you say, Aspen?” she asks, smiling brightly at me. Her gaze dips to my lips as she wets her own, and I’m a goner.
I’m no stronger than I was last year whenever Sage asked to kiss me.
It doesn’t matter that she has a boyfriend now; the kissing has never meant anything to her anyway, and that hasn’t changed.
As much as I know, I should be using this time to finally get over my infatuation with my straight best friend.
The offer to kiss her again, after all these months without her lips on mine, is too tempting to refuse.
The slightest nod is all it takes, all it ever seems to take, for Sage to kiss me.
I wish that her eagerness meant more and not just that she enjoys the act, but I know it doesn’t.
Her soft lips moving with mine, her signature floral scent surrounding me, her soft curves flushing against my own, are all just as addicting as they were last year.
And just like then, I can’t help but enjoy the high while it lasts, even though I know I’ll have to deal with the emotional crash later.
She deepens the kiss, slipping her tongue into my mouth, and I’m gone.
I’m lost in my head, in the fairy tale version of our friendship where Sage is kissing me because she wants to, not as some performance for the frat-bros surrounding us.
I block out their encouragements, ignoring the fact that her boyfriend is standing mere feet away, and sink into my fantasy.
I’m careful to always follow her lead, holding myself back from what I would do if things really were different between us, if any of it was real.
I’m also always the first to pull away. I’m hyperaware of the fact that it isn’t real and end up feeling guilty that Sage doesn’t know the truth. But those feelings of shame and regret don’t stop the addict in me from jumping at the chance whenever she wants to kiss me.
“Yeah, that was really hot,” Ryan says with a laugh as I take a step back. “Feel free to kiss Aspen whenever you want, babe.” So much for using this time to move on.
Everyone around us laughs, so I do too. Because what else am I supposed to do? I never should have kissed her, and I know I need to stop.
But I don’t. I keep agreeing whenever she offers. Always at parties, around other people, with excuses and an audience, and it’s all just a part of the fun college experience, according to Sage.
But I know that each time our lips meet, it only dooms me further. The thorns that wrap around my heart, cursing me to only ever want this one woman who could never want me back, dig in even deeper, ruining me for anyone else.