Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Lexi
After Zaan left, I had a good cry.
Then I got in the shower and seethed, which led to more crying.
Finally, I dried my hair, had breakfast, and headed out. I needed to talk to someone who’d been through this, and I felt a little stupid for not doing it already.
Tyler’s wife Ariel is a huge pop star.
She played to sold-out arenas and stadiums over the years and her new album is selling like gangbusters.
She also has a one-year-old.
I pull up to their house and sit in the car for a moment, letting the air conditioning blow on my face. I’ve been nauseated since the argument with Zaan, and I don’t think it has anything to do with being pregnant, although I could be wrong. God knows, I’ve been wrong about a lot of things lately.
I’d hired a car to drive me home last night because I’d known Zaan was going to be upset, and I figured the best way to mitigate that was by showing him I was okay. I hadn’t expected everything to blow up once we woke up.
I probably should have called first, but I’m too angry and frustrated to worry about being polite. And anyway, Tyler and Ariel are like family.
“Hey.” Tyler looks surprised to see me.
To my horror, I burst into tears.
“Oh, hey.” He immediately pulls me close, hugging me tightly. “Come on in.”
“Babe, who’s at—” Ariel comes into the room and pulls up short. “Oh, no. Lexi, what’s wrong?”
“Everything!” I try to swipe at my eyes but it’s not working and all I can do is cry.
“It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.” Tyler gently guides me to the family room, and we sit on their soft, comfortable sectional.
I’m still sobbing like an idiot, but I can’t seem to help myself.
“It’s okay. Let it out.” Ariel gently rubs my arm.
Tyler gets up at one point and comes back with a box of tissues. I absently grab one and blow my nose.
“Whenever you’re ready,” Ariel says softly.
I don’t even know where to begin.
“Ariel cried a lot too,” Tyler says. “I don’t know if that helps, but it’s pretty normal to feel like this.”
I shake my head. “No. This is about…Zaan.”
He grimaces. “He was mad about last night, huh?”
“He’s mad about everything. He wants me to quit.” I burst into tears all over again and it’s another five minutes until I’m in control enough to talk.
“Start from the beginning,” Ariel says. “I feel like I’m not sure what’s going on.”
“Zaan has been uncomfortable about me going on tour.” I’m still sniffling, but sipping the water Tyler brought me helps. “He’s nervous about me being away from doctors and family and him.”
“Of course, he is,” Tyler says. “He loves you. This is a miracle pregnancy. He’s going to worry.”
“I’m an adult and I have a career!” I snap. Then I close my eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound snippy. But why do people feel the need to remind me I’m pregnant as if I’m not already aware?”
“I apologize.” Tyler looks chagrined. “But we care about you. And no one more than your husband.”
“You didn’t quit,” I say to Ariel.
She shakes her head. “No, but our pregnancy was planned, and we were lucky. Biology and the fertility gods cooperated. I got pregnant toward the end of my last tour. Then I was able to take time off to work on new music while I was pregnant. I took time off to be with her but we’re going on tour with Tyler.
It’s no different than when I go on tour, and he comes with me.
But Zaan can’t do that full-time. You guys are working with totally different dynamics. ”
“I know. And I’m scared. Scared of losing myself and scared of losing him.” There. I said it out loud.
“You’re not going to lose him,” Ariel says, shaking her head. “He worships you. There’s no universe where he leaves you.”
“He walked out this morning without even saying goodbye,” I whisper.
“You had a fight,” Tyler says. “He was probably trying to leave before he said something he couldn’t take back.”
Bingo.
Deep down, I know that, but it still hurts.
“I don’t know what to do. He wants me to take a year off. He wants me to stay home and be safe. Decorate a nursery. Prepare for the baby.” I shudder a little.
“What do you want?” Ariel asks.
“I want to go on tour. I’ll be more careful, definitely no stage diving or acrobatics. I’ll sit more, sleep more, eat right… I can afford a nutritionist, a chef, whatever I need to be healthy. But I can’t just stay home for a year or more. I can’t.”
“Tell him that.”
“I tried, but he was mad.”
“He was scared because I’m sure he saw the videos of you getting dropped on your head,” Tyler points out. “Have you seen the videos? They’re terrifying.”
I’d purposely avoided looking, but he pulls one up and shows me.
I groan.
It does look bad.
I’m incredibly lucky that I didn’t break something, or worse, end up miscarrying.
“I’m fine, and I know I got lucky, but I’ve already promised I wouldn’t take any more chances like that.
We talked about adjusting the set and slowing things down as I get further along in my pregnancy.
He’ll be with me for most of it because the off-season is coming, and we all know I’m probably not going to make it until I give birth. What more can I do?”
“You have to talk to him,” Ariel says. “Show him you’re willing to compromise.”
“Compromise how? He doesn’t want me to go at all, and that’s not a compromise.
That’s me giving up something not just important to me, but a career that impacts the rest of you too.
I feel great. I get tired a little more easily, and I have to pee a lot, but there’s no reason I can’t go on tour.
If and when I see that I can’t do it, we’ll pivot. Right?”
Tyler nods. “Sure. But it’s not me you have to convince.”
“He doesn’t want to listen and it’s not like him. That’s why I’m scared.”
“Give him a little time to think,” Ariel says gently. “This is scary for him too. He loves you. No matter how upset you are right now, don’t lose sight of that. So give him the same grace you want him to give you. Take a little time to breathe.”
“He has a really big game tomorrow night,” I whisper. “I feel so guilty that this is happening now.”
“So maybe call an audible for now. Put everything on hold until the series is over.”
I nod. “Yeah. I guess.”
I hate this, and talking to my friends hasn’t helped.
Nothing is going to help until Zaan and I work this out.
And I’m really scared we’re not going to be able to.