Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Zaan
I wind up at the arena.
A few of the guys had said they were going to have an informal practice just to work off nervous energy, run a few drills.
So I join them. Coach Teller is the only coach that’s there and he doesn’t do much except call out different drills.
There’s only about eight of us, and neither of our goalies are here, so we spend most of the time skating and stick handling.
It feels good to do something physical because my emotions are all over the place.
“You all right?” Coach asks as we head back toward the showers.
“Not even a little.” I shake my head.
“This have something to do with Lexi’s stage dive last night?”
I grunt in response.
I figured some of the guys would see it.
“Did you argue?”
“Yeah. Kind of. She asked me not to yell at her because she’s been crying a lot, so when the conversation turned into an argument, I left and came here. Instead of yelling. Because I really fucking wanted to.”
He nods. “Yeah, pregnancy hormones are tough. But you can’t run away from this.”
“Tell me about it.”
“You’re going to have to man up, my friend.
I’m talking about swallowing your pride, your common sense, and maybe even your manhood.
They’re not the same when they’re pregnant.
The hormones, body changes, all of the stuff happening to them is pretty much out of their control.
Your job is to be there for her and support her in whatever way she needs.
And it’s really hard sometimes, especially when they do things you might perceive as dangerous, ridiculous, whatever the case may be.
Obviously, I’m not talking about someone with mental health issues or someone who’s a danger to themselves.
But in a normal, healthy relationship, with what we’ll refer to for conversation purposes as a normal pregnancy, you have to be wrong and say you’re sorry. All the time.”
I frown. “But what she did last night—”
“Was a mistake. But still her choice. And I’m willing to bet she’s not going to do that again.”
I sigh.
She did say that she and the band had discussed it, and they were taking stage diving out of the show.
I’m still scared, though.
And at this point, I’m not even sure what I’m scared of.
How much our lives are going to change?
Losing the woman I love?
Becoming a father?
“I see the wheels turning,” Coach says with a faint smile. “What are you thinking?”
“That I’m scared.” I hate saying those words, but they’re true.”
“Of course you are. Becoming a parent is terrifying. Try doing it with a woman you’re not in a relationship with.
” Coach Teller is married to a man, and they’d had a child with his husband’s ex-wife.
It sounds a little incestuous but it’s really not.
They have a great co-parenting arrangement and his son’s mother, Emilie, brings her husband and the kids—she has more than just Coach’s son—to games all the time.
“Maybe it was a little easier,” I say carefully. “Not about becoming a parent but doing it with a woman you weren’t in love with. Like, I’m sure you didn’t want her to die or anything, but I don’t know what I’ll do if something happens to Lexi.”
“Lexi could get hit by a car,” Coach says quietly.
“Or her cancer can come back.” He holds up a hand when I start to protest. “No, it’s no different than the chances of a pregnancy killing her.
You can’t think about the maybes, the one-in-a-million chances.
Don’t go there. Sure, we all harbor a little worry about stuff like that, but you can’t let it consume you and you definitely can’t let it impact your relationship with her.
If you didn’t want a strong, independent woman, why did you marry one? ”
I swallow and look away.
I know he’s right.
So why is it so hard to reconcile my head and my heart?
“Hey, you wanna go play some golf?” Anton comes around the corner, interrupting us. “Oh, sorry. I’ll give you a minute.”
“Nah. We’re done here.” Coach claps me on the shoulder. “Think about it, Zaan. See you later.”
“What was that about?” Anton asks as we head into the dressing room.
“Lexi and I had a fight about last night, and I don’t know what to do.”
“Sasha said they’re completely revamping the set to make it easier for her, less strenuous and—”
“Yeah, I know.” I stare off at nothing. “I just can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen. It scares me.” I don’t care about showing vulnerability to Anton. He’s one of my closest friends.
“No shit. I was terrified when Sasha told me she was pregnant with Phoenix. But we got through it. And by the way, we were broken up when she found out. So believe me, I’m familiar with the fear and uncertainty.”
“Let’s go golfing,” I mutter. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“How did you guys leave things?”
“I walked out.”
He grimaces. “Really? On your hormonal, pregnant wife?”
“She asked me not to yell at her, so I left before I raised my voice. I thought that was pretty reasonable.”
He arches his brows. “Dude. There’s no such thing as reasonable when they’re pregnant.”
“Why does everyone keep saying that?”
“Maybe because it’s true?”
“So I don’t get to have feelings about things? I don’t get a say in anything? I just say yes to everything no matter what I want?”
“Nooo.” He draws out the word carefully. “But you pick your battles. Lexi already said she wouldn’t stage dive again. What more do you want? She knows she made a mistake, but she was pretty shaken up, so she’s not going to do anything like that again.”
“How do you know she was shaken up?”
“Sasha told me. She was in such a panic to get home to you she hired a driver to bring her to Vegas after the show even though they were all driving home together in the morning.”
I hadn’t realized that. I’d just assumed they all drove home from L.A. together. It’s only three or four hours, depending on where you are in the city, and in the middle of the night traffic’s pretty light.
“Oh. She didn’t tell me that. I was asleep and woke up to find her in bed with me.”
“Because she couldn’t wait to get home to you, to explain. Apologize.”
She had apologized.
The moment she got home.
And I fell asleep.
Fuck.
I’m making a mess of everything and now I don’t know how to fix it.
The problem is that I can’t make things right with my wife until I make things right with myself. I need to come to terms with everything that’s happening. Becoming a father. Her desire to keep working. Her fierce independence.
All things I thought I loved.
Now I’m second-guessing everything.
“You look like you’re going to puke,” Anton says as I just stand there.
“I’m a little freaked out,” I admit. “And I don’t know what to do to make things better with Lexi.”
“Go home and talk to her. Open up about your fears, all the things bothering you—without telling her not to go on tour. Talk about everything driving that feeling, that need to protect her, how scared you are. She’s feeling this stuff too. I guarantee it.”
He’s right.
I’m being a dumbass.
Lexi and I are two halves of a whole.
Whatever it takes, we’ll make this work.
“Is jewelry a thing when they’re pregnant?”
“Jewelry is a thing once they give birth. It’s called a push present.”
“A push…” My voice fades. That sounds weird. But okay. I can do that.
“What’s a we’re-going-to-figure-this-out-together present?”
He hesitates. “Does she like jewelry?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Then maybe do it anyway. Tiffany’s has good stuff, and they love seeing the blue bag. Well, Sasha does.”
“Yeah. I guess I’m headed to Tiffany’s.”
“Golf first. Then Tiffany’s. You need to decompress.”
“Deal.”
I’m feeling a lot better as I head into the shower, but my good mood quickly goes to shit when I see a text from Lexi.
LEXI: Going to see Crimson Edge play at a club tonight in L.A. and spend the night with Lindsay. I’ll be home before the game tomorrow.
Frustration surges through me.
Once again, it feels like she’s putting her career before our relationship. We’re barely speaking and she’s going to see her friends play. On top of that, she’s not coming home tonight.
We always sleep together if we’re in the same city at the same time.
Always.
She’d hired someone to get her home to me last night.
But tonight, she’s driving three hours to get away from me.
And that feels eerily symbolic for what’s in our future.