Chapter Twenty-Nine #2
“Thank you, Cassian,” James said softly as he returned the photograph to his wallet. “That’s sweet of you to say.”
“I mean it,” Cassian said, cupping James’s chin.
He urged James to meet his eyes and then pressed a soft kiss to the man’s lips.
“And if you ever want to share your stories about him, I can listen.” He stroked James’s cheek.
“I hope that I can be your lifeboat in all ways, James. Not only for what we’ve endured together here. ”
James leaned forward and caught Cassian’s mouth in a heated kiss, burning with a level of passion that stirred a fierce fondness in Cassian’s chest. Followed by a pang of regret.
Cassian could scarcely believe that he’d been so foolish back on the Titanic, thinking that he could have ever spent his life with someone else, thereby forcing himself to be without James so often and for so long while James continued to work for the White Star Line.
Worse, though, Cassian would have been forcing James to suffer through watching him be with someone else—some poor woman who wouldn’t have known that her sole purpose had been to help Cassian uphold his reputation and skirt suspicion over his friendship with James Morrow.
Cassian knew now, though, and with absolute certainty, that he only ever wanted to be with James.
And that he only ever wanted James to be with him, too.
He wanted them to be each other’s lifeboats.
He wanted them to be each other’s everything.
Forever and always.
Enlivened with a passion of his own from these thoughts, Cassian pulled James onto his lap, coaxing the man to straddle him.
Over the next little while, the two continued to kiss, and then, they removed each other’s clothing before finally falling backward onto the mattress.
After some more kissing, James retrieved a little container of petroleum jelly that he’d procured from one of Carpathia’s medical staff, and then Cassian had fun exploring James with his fingers and preparing him for what was to come.
Later, after bringing James close to the edge several times before cruelly-but-lovingly withholding the last bit of pleasure to ensure James’s orgasm, Cassian coated his own length with the lubricant and began to fuck the man he loved.
Slowly. Sensually. Passionately. All while looking into his perfect steward’s eyes.
And Cassian continued to reassure James of his love. And when James finally came, Cassian slowed his thrusts and caressed James’s cheek with his thumb, promising him forever and only and always. And then he brought himself to orgasm, fucking James hard and fast, while James promised him the same.
Collapsing onto the bed beside James, Cassian could only think of how wonderful everything was. And of how he’d have marred his reputation a thousand times over if it meant that they could be together like this for the rest of their lives.
Sweaty, love drunk, and spent, the two faced each other and shared another kiss. With a contented sigh, Cassian pulled back, and James leaned forward to nuzzle his nose.
“Do you really believe this can be forever?” James asked.
“It will be,” Cassian said. “Because I refuse to tolerate even one second less.”
“And, of course, Cassian Penn Livingston always gets what he wants,” James teased.
Cassian hummed. “He does.”
Cassian ran a hand through James’s hair, and James smiled sweetly.
“Have you figured out where I’ll live? Or work?” James asked.
“You really want to work?”
“Only so that I have money of my own to spend,” James said. “I’d like to contribute to the fund for Titanic survivors. And, of course, I want to spoil you, too, when I can.”
“But what if I am the one who hires you, hm?”
“Then I suppose you’ll only be spoiling yourself,” James said. He huffed a light laugh. “But that sounds pretty much perfect, too.”
Cassian laughed with him.
“I’m thinking of purchasing a second home for myself. Somewhere secluded. Quiet. Peaceful. Outside of the city. And I’m wondering if you could work there.”
James sat up a bit, propping his head up with his elbow.
“So, I’d be your . . . household steward then?”
“Exactly. Except that I think you’d only be overseeing yourself. Or perhaps your friend Maggie as well if she wants to come live with us in the States.”
“You’d hire her?”
Cassian shrugged. “Why not? Having two servants living there would look a bit less suspicious than only the one, especially for someone of my stature.”
“Won’t people still talk? Because of your so-called bachelorhood?”
“Probably,” Cassian said, shrugging again.
James exhaled a sorrowful sigh. “Dammit, Cassian, I’m sorry.”
Cassian reached up and pushed a hand through James’s hair once more.
“It’ll be well worth it to be with you, James. We’ll have to be careful, is all.”
Smiling, James leaned forward, and they shared a soft kiss.
“We will be,” he promised.
Cassian’s heart swelled as he looked into James’s beautiful blues.
“I know it isn’t perfect,” he said, “but it’s the best I could come up with for now.”
“It is perfect,” James said. “Because it means we’ll be together.”
“I’ll have to live in the city some of the time too, closer to my businesses.”
“Still perfect.”
“And you’ll have to work extremely hard to manage an entire household. Remember, I’m not an easy man to please.”
“Still perfect.”
“And you’ll have to make yourself available to me for my pleasure. Every single visit. Whenever I want.”
“Bloody hell, Cassian, that’s even more perfect.”
Cassian laughed. James chuckled a bit as well, but then his laughter faded and his smile faltered.
“I hate the thought of things potentially becoming complicated for us,” he said. “Or for you. In the future, I mean. If people talk and that talking leads to . . . rumors. Or . . . unpleasant confirmations of certain things.”
“I know, my James,” Cassian said through a forlorn-sounding sigh. “But I’m confident that we’ll make it through. After all, we survived all of this together.”
“Yes, that’s true,” James said.
Cassian pulled James close, and James settled his head atop Cassian’s chest. Cassian kissed his head and hummed.
“Don’t worry too much, James,” Cassian said. “Everything will fall into place. In time.”
***
Cassian and James were lying in bed together as the Carpathia neared New York’s harbor.
Sitting up, Cassian stretched and let out a soft sigh.
Soon enough, he’d be back home, which meant that he’d be able to start laying the foundation for his and James’s life together.
As Cassian reached for his pants, he marveled at how significantly his life had changed in such a short time.
Hell, he had changed in that time, too. In so many respects, Cassian felt like a new man.
He had fallen in love. Hopelessly, irrefutably, impossibly in love.
How strange it was that he’d soon be back in the same house, overseeing the same businesses, and hobnobbing with the same people he’d known since forever, and yet, he himself was not the same.
Yes, he was still Cassian Penn Livingston, but .
. . improved, maybe, though he never would have thought that such a thing could be possible.
Cassian chuckled as the thought flitted through his head. James sat up and kissed his bare shoulder.
“Hm, what’s that smug little laugh for?” James asked.
“I was thinking about how much I’ve changed.
I mean, I looked after you for forty-something hours.
All of my focus was on you for that whole length of time.
Or, well, nearly all of it. Admittedly, I walloped Ethel and John in poker several times, too, which took some effort, mostly because Ethel is a bit of a shark.
Still, though, I had never once taken care of someone before you needed me to.
And I’m really very proud of myself for how well I managed it.
” Cassian slipped on his pants and stood to button them.
“I’m also proud of the fact that I somehow managed to help everyone survive the sinking. ”
“Honestly, I’m surprised you’re seemingly only taking partial credit for our survival,” James teased before fishing for his pants as well.
Cassian rolled his eyes. James stood beside him to pull up his pants and fasten the buttons. After finishing the last one, he frowned, and his shoulders slumped forward.
“Not everyone survived the sinking, though,” James said softly, keeping his eyes on the floor. “All of those poor people who were left behind in the water lost their lives. And of course, we lost Jacob, too.”
Cassian winced. James was right. He hadn’t saved everyone. Not even everyone he cared about, much less everyone on the ship like his inflated statement had basically implied.
Cassian had been so eager to move past this horrible, wretched nightmare and begin navigating his life with James in New York that he hadn’t really let himself linger on what had happened back in that ice field.
Slowly, Cassian reached out and lifted James’s chin.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” he said. “I’m sorry, James.”
James shrugged a bit. “I know you didn’t mean it, Cassian.”
“But I did, a little,” Cassian admitted.
“Being with you here in this stateroom, it has been shockingly easy to let myself forget that not everyone will make it home. Not even half of everyone who had been with us on the ship survived the sinking. I shouldn’t let myself forget that.
And from this moment forward, I will try my best not to. ”
James’s mouth curled into a sorrowful half smile. “Thank you.”
“I’m sorry about what happened to Jacob as well,” Cassian said, his throat tightening as he spoke. He took a pause to swallow. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.”
“It’s not your fault,” James said. “I hope you know that.”
“Yes, I do. But I still wish that I could have protected him somehow.”
“I know.”