Chapter Twenty-Nine #3
James pulled Cassian in for a hug. Sniffling, Cassian buried his face in the crook of James’s neck and fought back the urge to cry. Some time passed like this, while the men held each other. And Cassian realized how lucky was to have found his lifeboat, too.
Once they parted, both of them found their shirts and put them on, neither of them saying much for a minute or so.
Buttoning his waistcoat, Cassian kept thinking of Jacob Calbot.
And of Ingrid as well. How Cassian loathed that he had broken his promise to her.
If only there was something he could do to help her when they reached New York.
Cassian smoothed out the fabric of his jacket after he shrugged it on and then began stuffing his meager few belongings into his pockets—his wallet, his empty cigar case, his pocket comb, and his father’s pocket watch, which would forever read the same time.
Just before Cassian managed to put the watch away, James took his hand, covering it and the watch with both of his, and then the man lifted Cassian’s hand to his lips and kissed Cassian’s knuckles.
“Sorry,” he said afterward. “I wanted to be close to you. Seeing the watch reminded me of that brief time when we lost each other in the water.” He kissed Cassian’s knuckles once more. “I’m so thankful that you were able to find me. Because I never would have survived without you.”
Cassian smiled a little and then pressed a soft kiss to James’s lips.
“Do you think you’ll sell it?” James asked as he pulled away. “It’ll be worth a lot more now. Isn’t that what you said?”
Cassian ran his thumb over the watch’s casing.
How horrible it was that one of his first thoughts upon seeing it again had been how much he might sell it for, rather than what the watch represented.
Shortly after it had stopped working, Jacob had lost his life.
Along with many other people. And then more and more of his fellow passengers had perished as the night continued.
“It is. But I’m not sure if I have it in me to sell it,” Cassian said.
“I know this might seem morbid, but perhaps it might be beneficial for me to have this as a reminder of what we’ve been through.
” Cassian’s self-centered remark from earlier echoed in his head, and he briefly cringed.
“And as a reminder of those who did not make it.”
James huffed a barely there laugh. “I have no need to be reminded of that.”
“I know,” Cassian said warmly. “But I think that I might need to be.”
James’s expression softened, his eyebrows lifting and pinching, his lips curling into a warm, sympathetic smile, and he reached out and rubbed Cassian’s cheek with his thumb.
“You amaze me sometimes,” he said.
“Only sometimes?” Cassian jested, crooking an eyebrow.
James laughed. “All the time.”
Chuckling with him, Cassian pressed a kiss to James’s lips. As they parted, someone knocked on their stateroom door. Cassian walked over to answer it.
“Good evening, Ethel,” he said when he opened it. John came up beside her. Cassian bowed his head a bit and smiled at his former valet. “And John.”
“Good evening, Cassian,” Ethel said. “Are you ready to be back home?”
“Extremely ready. And yourselves?”
Ethel and John looked at one another.
“We’re mostly ready, but we have something that we wanted to discuss with you before we leave the ship, especially since there might be people waiting for us—friends, family, press, members of our extended social circle—at the pier.
And I thought it might be best if we settle something before word of our engagement status starts circulating. ”
Cassian hummed. “I’m intrigued.”
“May we come in?” Ethel asked.
“Of course.”
Cassian stepped aside to let both Ethel and John into the stateroom, and then he shut the door. James exchanged pleasantries with both of them. Then, Ethel’s eyes found Cassian’s, and worry lines settled into her forehead.
“Cassian,” she began, her voice sounding slightly tentative, “what if you and I went through with the wedding?”
Cassian reeled back.
“Excuse me?”
Ethel huffed a light laugh. “Sorry. I know that must seem like a strange thing to suggest. But John and I have been talking ourselves blue in the face over these last few hours. Because of my mother’s concerns over our relationship and the concern that John and I have for you and for your relationship, we thought that maybe the most prudent solution to both of these matters might be for you and me to still get married in the fall.
” She paused to take a measured breath. “I think my mother will be relieved. Our marriage would preserve both her reputation and mine, even if, secretly, you and I weren’t really together.
And, if I’m not mistaken, our marriage would provide you with the sort of cover that might spare you from the precise kind of scrutiny that you’re worried about, would it not? ”
“It . . . would,” Cassian said, slowly. “But, Ethel, sweetheart—” Cassian’s eyes flittered over to John.
“Forgive me for the term of endearment for my potential future wife, John.” He looked back at Ethel.
“Anyway, you’re a religious woman, Ethel, last I checked.
Aren’t you worried about what our marriage might mean for you?
Especially if you and John continue your relationship, as I presume you will want to? ”
“It’s hard not to be a little worried,” Ethel said. “But I’m choosing to believe that our creator will understand the predicament we’ve found ourselves in. Besides, John and I wouldn’t have been able to board that lifeboat had you not intervened.”
“You do not owe me for that,” Cassian countered. “Don’t, even for a moment, think otherwise.”
“I know. Still, though, I’d like to help you and James, if possible.”
“And I’d like to help you two as well,” John said with a soft smile.
“Cassian, you and James are both such lovely people. It’s a shame that the world is .
. . less than kind to men like yourselves right now.
I mean, if you feel about James how I feel about Miss Ethel, then .
. . well, then it’s unconscionable to think that you might be forced apart someday, should some rumors either cause you to worry for your safety or else cause friction between you.
I can’t imagine that successfully maintaining a romantic relationship would be possible in either of those circumstances. ”
Cassian pursed his lips, thinking it over.
“So, how would this work, exactly?” he asked.
“Well, perhaps you could still purchase that extra property you mentioned to me earlier,” Ethel said.
“Somewhere for James and his friend Maggie to live, if she’d like to come to the States.
And for us to live in, too, sometimes. But, then, other times, you and I would be together in the city.
Not together in the . . . ah . . . the . . .”
“Biblical sense?” Cassian suggested with a bemused smile.
Blushing, Ethel smiled back. “Right. Exactly. But to others, it would look as though we were together. And John could keep being your valet so that his continued presence in our lives would make sense. He could come with us whenever we choose to stay in the vacation home where James will be as well.”
“I’m not certain if it can be called a vacation home, exactly, since I’ll most likely want to spend more than half of my time there,” Cassian said. “As will you and John, since that will likely be the only place where you two can have some semblance of privacy yourselves.”
“Yes, well, whatever you want to call it, my suggestion remains the same.”
Cassian furrowed his brow and hummed. He liked the plan overall. It was a bold thing for Ethel to have suggested. Bold and kind. Incredibly kind. Cassian wasn’t sure that he’d ever be able to repay her for being his pretend wife.
Rubbing his chin, Cassian continued to consider it. He began to think back on everything that had happened since leaving Europe and how much had changed.
How much he had changed.
Over the course of only a few days, Cassian had learned what it was like to love someone.
Not only romantically, either. Because, he now realized, he loved Ethel, too, in a platonic way.
And John. And Jacob and Ingrid, too. Cassian had never once thought that he could love his friends.
But now, he was surprised to find that he did love them. He loved them very much.
And Cassian did not expect either Ethel or John to repay him for finding them a spot in a lifeboat.
And so, maybe Ethel did not expect him to repay her for this, then, either.
Cassian wasn’t certain whether the exchange could be considered equal.
But perhaps that wasn’t important. Perhaps what mattered, instead, was that they were friends.
And, as such, they cared about each other.
Love, after all, was so much more than a series of transactions.
Cassian looked over his shoulder and caught James’s eye.
“Do you have any objections to Ethel’s proposal?” he asked.
Smiling warmly, James shook his head. “None.”
Returning James’s sweet smile with one of his own, Cassian walked over to him and took James’s face in his hands.
“You’re still the only one I want to be with, James. I hope you know that.”
“I know,” James said. “Only and always, I remember.”
Cassian exhaled with relief. “Only and always.”
After closing his eyes, Cassian kissed their foreheads together and breathed in the absolute enormity of the moment, recognizing how incredibly lucky he was to have met such an exceptional man.
After another few seconds of bliss, James and Cassian parted, and Cassian turned back to face Ethel and John.
“Alright, Ethel, I’ll marry you,” Cassian said. “Since you asked me so nicely.”
“Oh, thank you, Cassian,” she replied playfully. “I’m honored.”
Warmth settled in his chest, and Cassian walked over and pulled her in for a hug.
“Thank you,” he said into her ear. “Sincerely.”
“You’re welcome.”
Seconds later, Cassian released her. After a beat of silence, he clapped his hands and rubbed his palms together.
“So, should we head out? I believe we must be close to the pier by now,” he said.
“Yes, let’s,” Ethel said.
All four of them left the stateroom. On their walk to the saloon, where Ethel and John said others were gathering, they met up with Ingrid, who emerged from the stateroom in which she had been staying.
Cassian’s chest pinched upon seeing her, the pain then intensifying when he noticed the small red spots beneath her eyes and the faraway expression on her face.
Oh, he still felt so horrible for not having kept his promise to her.
“Ingrid,” he said, coming up beside her. “May I speak with you for a moment?”
She blinked a couple of times, as though coming back to herself from wherever she had been a moment ago.
“Yes, of course,” she said.
Cassian motioned for James and the others to keep going.
“I’ll meet up with you in the saloon,” he said. “Go on.”
Once he and Ingrid were alone in the corridor, Cassian found one of her hands.
“I know we already talked about everything that transpired back on the Titanic, but I wanted to tell you one more time how very sorry I am for your loss, Ingrid. And I’m sorry for breaking my promise to you as well. I’m sorry that I couldn’t save Jacob.”
“Oh, Cassian, I know you must have wanted to,” she said. “It’s not your fault that things unfolded as they did.”
“Still, I wish that there was something I could do.” He paused to think for a moment.
Perhaps there was. “Ingrid, your husband was a wonderful man. He was such a warm and caring person. And he was so impossibly enamored with you. I’m sure he left you plenty of money to survive on, but I’d love to help take care of you and your child moving forward.
Once we’re settled back in the city, if there’s anything you need, anything at all, I sincerely hope that you will let me know.
Ethel and I both care for you so much. If I can speak for her for a moment, I’ll say that I know for a fact that she would love it if the two of you could remain friends.
And I would love it if we could remain friends as well. ”
Ingrid smiled up at him fondly, though her eyes still held such pain.
“Thank you,” she said. She patted his hand with her free one. “I’d very much love to remain friends with the both of you. You and Ethel are such wonderful souls. Absolutely wonderful.”
Cassian smiled back. Yes, he thought so, too.
Cassian squeezed Ingrid’s hand once before letting go. Then, he offered her his arm.
“May I escort you to the saloon?” he asked.
Wordlessly, Ingrid nodded, a smile still clinging to her lips, and linked her arm with his. And Cassian prayed that his presence might offer her some stability.
Now and for the rest of their lives.
Later in the evening, the Carpathia pulled up to Pier 54 in New York.
From the safety of the ship, Cassian, James, Ethel, John, Helena, and Ingrid all looked out at the massive crowd of people waiting for the survivors in the cold.
And when the ship finally docked, they and everyone else soon received permission to exit via the gangway.
Immediately, the other first- and second-class passengers who had been saved, along with the Titanic’s rescued crew members, circled around them and began to leave. Ingrid and Helena left, too.
But Cassian, James, Ethel, and John stayed back for a bit while the crowd thinned.
Finally, after some time passed, Cassian felt ready.
Before stepping out into the rain, though, he caught James’s eye and winked.
James smiled back, and Cassian’s stomach swooped as his heart fluttered in the most wonderful, fantastical, nonsensical way.
How incredible it was that love like this was real. And not only real, but really his, too.
Putting on a look of practiced poise and false stoicism, Cassian lifted his chin high and hoped that the cloak of night might conceal the blush he now felt clinging to his cheeks.
After a breath, he offered his arm to Ethel, and then, together, the four of them walked out into the rain and cold to start their lives anew.