Chapter 29
29
Silas
The concert in Austin hadn’t left me riding an adrenaline high like usual. Instead, while we rode back to the hotel, all I could think about was that it was my last night with Cash. In the morning, he’d leave for Boston as we headed to New Orleans.
From the beginning, I’d known our time together was only temporary, and when he’d first agreed to be my sober companion, I was okay with that. But things had changed. Our relationship had changed. He was no longer my sister’s ex or the person I’d hired to help with my sobriety. He was somebody I had started to fall for.
When we’d first messed around, I thought maybe we were both looking for an easy and fun way to get off, but the second I kissed him, I knew it was more than that.
Still, I didn’t know how to express my feelings for him in words, but I planned on showing him what he meant to me the second we were alone again.
When we reached the hotel, our group made its way through the lobby to the elevator. It seemed we were all eager to get back to our rooms, but likely for different reasons. Or maybe not, since my bandmates were all in couples now.
As we rode to our floor, I snuck a glance at Cash. His hands were shoved into his pockets, and he was staring at the lights above the door illuminating as we ascended higher. It made me wonder if his head was as twisted up as mine at that moment.
Eventually, the doors slid open on our floor, and after saying goodnight to everyone, we headed toward our room. The second the door clicked shut behind us, I grabbed the front of Cash’s T-shirt and pulled him to me.
Our mouths crashed together in a hungry kiss, and we worked quickly to strip down to our boxers. My hands gripped his hips, and I moved him in the direction of the bed. The back of his knees hit the mattress, and he dropped down, causing me to fall with him. We continued making out for a few minutes, but it wasn’t enough.
It was never enough with him.
Trailing my lips down his neck, I continued pressing hot kisses across his chest and abs, savoring the salty taste of his skin since I wasn’t sure I’d ever have him like this again. Once he left, it was possible we’d never see each other again. The thought sent an ache through my chest. Would we both just move on with our lives, and let our time together become a distant memory? Would I always wonder if what we’d shared could have turned into more?
My thoughts were taking me from the moment, but all I wanted to do was focus on him in case this really was the end.
My fingers curled around the waistband of his boxers, and I tugged them down until his long, thick cock bounced free. He let out a low groan as I took him in my hand and began stroking him. Our eyes locked, and I was tempted to tell him how much he meant to me. How I wasn’t ready for him to leave. How I wanted us to be … more. But no matter what I said, I knew it wouldn’t change anything. So, I pushed those thoughts aside and lowered my head to take him into my mouth, figuring sucking his dick would keep me from blurting out the various things running th rough my mind.
As I bobbed up and down, he ran his fingers through my hair. “Damn, Silas. Your mouth is fucking amazing.”
His words encouraged me to hollow my cheeks and take him as deep as I could until I felt his body tense, and I knew he was close.
Releasing him with an audible pop, I kicked off my boxers and grabbed a condom and lube from the bedside table where we’d left them earlier.
“Tonight, I want to be on top.” I ripped open the foil packet and rolled the latex down his length.
“I like the sound of that.” He smirked.
Once he was covered, I squirted the slick lubricant on my fingers and made sure I was ready to take him. When I couldn’t wait another second, I lifted onto my knees and guided him to my hole. Slowly, I lowered myself onto him, relishing the slight burn as my ass stretched to accommodate his dick.
As soon as he bottomed out, he threw his head back against the pillow. I braced my hands on his chest and began to move. The sounds of our moans filled the room.
He reached for my shaft and pumped me as I rode him hard and fast. Sweat beaded on my forehead, and I could feel my orgasm building.
“I’m going to come!”
“I’m right there with you,” he panted.
Ropes of my cum spilled all over his hand and onto his stomach at the same time I felt him shudder beneath me.
It took a few seconds for us to catch our breath, and as I started to lift off of him, I heard him mutter, “Fuck, it gets better every time.” His words were so quiet, I wasn’t sure he meant for me to hear him.
“Let’s go clean up.” I stood and offered a hand to pull him from the bed.
After a quick shower, we climbed into bed, and suddenly, I felt a distance between us. My heart was full of things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find the courage to ask him the one thing I wanted, which was for him to stay .
Instead, I rolled over to face him and gently kissed his lips. “What time are you leaving in the morning?”
He frowned. “Early. I’ve already arranged for a car to pick me up at six.”
I glanced at the alarm clock behind him; he’d be gone in less than five hours.
“Will you wake me before you go?”
He gave me a small smile. “Of course.”
The sound of a zipper had my eyes blinking open. Once things came into focus, I saw Cash standing next to the dresser, shoving his wallet and phone into his pocket.
He was leaving.
I climbed out of bed and slipped on my boxers before walking over to him. “I can’t believe it’s already time for you to go.”
“Yeah, I was just about to wake you. My ride should be here in about ten minutes.” He grabbed a piece of paper I hadn’t noticed earlier and held it out for me. “This is a list of NA meetings in every city remaining on tour. You should still try to go to at least one a week, but more won’t hurt either.”
“Thanks.” I took the list from him, hating how business-like the moment felt.
“And if you’re struggling, call your sponsor or therapist,” he added.
“Or you?”
He gave me a tight smile. “You’re always welcome to call me, but I’ll be busy with my new client and might not be able to answer right away, especially during the first couple of weeks.”
I couldn’t imagine going even a day, let alone a couple of weeks, without talking to him.
“Can’t you stay?” I blurted out, unable to stop the words this time. “I’ll tell your agency I need your services for a few more weeks.”
He shook his head. “That won’t work. Someone else is depending on me, and the truth is, you don’t need me anymore. You’ve been putting in the work, and you should be proud of how well you’re doing.”
Of course, I knew he couldn’t stay. Him leaving was always the plan, but that didn’t stop me from hoping he’d want to stick around.
My gaze focused on the blue diamond-patterned carpet beneath my feet. “So that’s it, then?”
He hesitated for a minute. “It sorta has to be.”
I could either accept his answer or be honest with how I was feeling. As he and I had discussed before, trusting someone wasn’t easy for me, but this was Cash. He was likely the only person besides my family and bandmates I could trust not to hurt me.
“I’m not ready,” I said, still unable to meet his eyes.
He tilted my face up, and my eyes focused on his. “Ready for what?”
“To let you go.” I let out a breath. “Maybe we should have talked about what was going on between us sooner, but it was easier to pretend like this day wasn’t hanging over our heads. Are you really ready to walk away?”
“What exactly are you asking me for?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure, but I know I want more than secret hook ups on the road.”
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple sliding up and down his throat. “You know things would get a lot more complicated if what we’ve been doing behind closed doors was out in the open.”
“I don’t care about what anyone else thinks?—”
“You might think that now,” he interrupted gently. “You might even believe it, but I’m not sure I’m ready for it. The media would have a field day once they learned you were messing around with your sober companion. I could lose my job. And what happens when your parents find out? Hell, just a few weeks ago, I was dating your sister. This isn’t just about us. There’s a lot of other things to consider.”
His argument made sense, and I hated that he could think rationally when all I wanted to do was jump headfirst without considering the consequences. Just like I always did .
I let out a frustrated sigh. “You’re right. I don’t think I’m ready for any of that. But losing you doesn’t feel right either.”
He pulled me close and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. “You’re not losing me,” he said when he pulled back. “You can call or text me whenever you want. But I do think we both need to figure out what we want while we are apart.”
I nodded because what else could I do?
Cash hefted his backpack onto his shoulder and grabbed the handle of his suitcase. “I’ll miss you,” he admitted before opening the door.
“I’ll miss you too.”
And then he was gone.