Chapter 33
33
CASH
I love you.
Three words I never expected to hear from him. But the way he stared into my eyes, I knew he meant them. And I knew I felt the same.
“Silas …” I started, but I wasn’t sure how to finish. I wanted to kiss him, to pull him into me and forget everything else. But I couldn’t. Because feelings weren’t the only thing that mattered. We had a lot to figure out.
He searched my face, his hazel eyes desperate for an answer. “Please don’t tell me this was a mistake.”
I shook my head. “It’s not a mistake.”
“Then what is it?”
I let go of him and took a step back, running a hand over my face. “It’s complicated. You know that.”
“Of course, it is.” He turned away, pacing a few steps before facing me again. “But I mean it. I love you.”
A smile tugged at my lips. “I love you too.”
His breath caught like he hadn’t let himself fully believe I felt the same way. “Then why are we standing here acting like this is impossible?”
“Because I’m in Boston for the next three weeks with my current client. When that’s done, I have another client starting right away, and you’ll be going back to LA soon. I don’t know how to do this when my job keeps me tied to Boston for weeks at a time.” I didn’t tell him I’d scheduled the clients back-to-back because I had no place to live. Or that I’d been toying with the idea of returning to Houston because, outside of work, there was nothing left for me in Massachusetts.
Silas rubbed the back of his neck. “You act like LA is on another planet. I can fly to Boston. You can come to LA when you’re in between clients. We’ll figure it out.”
“And when I’m working? When I have a client who needs me twenty-four seven? And what about your next tour?”
“Are you saying we can’t even try?”
I sighed. “I don’t know how to make it work when everything is pulling us in different directions.”
He crossed the room and grabbed my hand. “Then we figure it out. We make it work. If this was just some fling, I’d get it. But it’s not. It never was.”
I squeezed his fingers, letting myself hold on to him for a few more seconds before I forced myself to take another step back. “You’ve only been out of rehab for a few months. You need to focus on yourself. On staying sober. On making sure you’re solid before jumping into a relationship.”
It was one thing when we were behind closed doors and messing around, but we no longer had that luxury. I wouldn’t be going with him on the next tour to make sure he didn’t give into his addiction.
His expression darkened. “You don’t think I’ve been doing that? I’ve worked my ass off to get here. You know that.”
“I do,” I agreed quickly. “And I’m proud of you. But I also know how easy it is to replace one addiction with another. I can’t be your crutch.”
Silas flinched. “You’re not. I’m choosing you because I love you. Because I want you. Not because I need you to stop me from using.” He pulled the baggie from the trash and shook it in front of us. “I didn’t buy this. I don’t fucking want it, and I never want to see Donnie Pierce again.”
Without another word, he went into the bathroom. I heard the toilet seat hit the tank. As I peered around the corner, I saw him dumping the powder into the bowl and then flushing it.
He turned back and met my gaze. “I don’t want that shit. I want you.”
My chest tightened. He’d just thrown away the drugs in front of me like they were nothing—like he wanted me to see that I mattered more.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I admitted.
He stepped closer. “I want you to say you’ll give us a chance. That you won’t run just because it’s not easy.”
“It’s not just about it being hard. It’s—” I hesitated and then sighed. “You probably don’t want to hear this, but I was in love with your sister too. I followed her across the country because I thought she was my future. And now … now I’m standing here, falling for you, and it scares the hell out of me. What if I’m repeating the same mistake?”
Silas searched my face. “Do you love me?”
“Yes, I love you, but I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I’m not just chasing after another Hale.”
“I’m not Britt.”
“I know.” I exhaled as I dragged a hand through my hair. “And I’m not in love with her anymore. But I can’t pretend like it doesn’t mess with my head.”
“Tell me what you want, Cash. Not what you think you should do. Not what makes the most sense. Just tell me what you want.”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Because what I wanted— who I wanted—wasn’t like any other relationship I’d ever had and that scared me. But having him fight for us made me realize what we had was real.
“I want you,” I admitted. “I want to be with you. But I don’t know how to make it work.”
He let out a breath. “We don’t have to have all the answers right now. We just have to stop pretending this isn’t happening. ”
I searched his face. Maybe I was tired of pretending. We were no longer having secret hook ups, and I was done fighting how I felt about him.
So, I kissed him.
I pulled him against me, threading my fingers through his hair as he kissed me back. He spun me until my back hit the bed. I pushed his chest slightly. “We don’t have time for that. I need to get back to my client.”
“Okay. Can I see you tomorrow?”
“Yes, I can meet you after my client goes to work.” His hands tightened on my waist, like he didn’t want to let me go. And maybe I didn’t want to let go either. But as I stood there, reality settled in and formed a knot in my stomach. “We need to tell Britt.”
“Yeah,” he said after a beat. “I know.”
“I don’t want her to hear it from someone else. And she will because if we’re photographed together, I don’t think we will be able to hide our relationship since I’m no longer your sober companion.”
He nodded. “You’re right. I just …” He let out a slow breath. “The guys will be cool with it, but I don’t know how my sister’s going to take it.”
“Neither do I,” I admitted. “But she deserves to know.”
Silas glanced away. “So, what? We’ll sit her down over brunch?”
“I don’t know. I just know we have to, so I don’t feel like I’m hiding anymore.”
“But what about the world?”
“That’s up to you. You’re the one in the spotlight.”
“Let’s just tell Britt and then my parents and go from there.”
“Okay. Text her and see if she wants to meet for brunch, and let me know. I really need to go.”
“Okay.”
I kissed him one last time before leaving.
Silas and I walked into the cafe together, the small bell above the door chiming as we stepped inside. Britt was already seated at a table by the window, scrolling through her phone. She looked up when she heard the door, her brow furrowing when she spotted us.
“Hey,” she said slowly, setting her phone down. Her gaze flicked between us, then landed on me. “What are you doing here?”
I pulled out a chair and sat down across from her. Silas sat next to me after giving her a brief hug. “Nice to see you too, Britt.”
Her eyes narrowed. “I thought I was just meeting Silas. And why did you guys come here together? I thought you weren’t his sober companion anymore.”
Silas exhaled. “We need to talk to you about something.”
Britt’s posture stiffened. “Okay...” She looked between us again, and then the color drained from her face. “Oh my God, are you back on drugs? Is that why he’s here?”
“No!” Silas said quickly. “Jesus. I’ve been sober for months.”
“Then what—” She stopped suddenly, her eyes widening as I draped my arm on the back of Silas’s chair. “Wait. Are you two ...?” Her gaze darted to me, then back to Silas. “No. No way.”
Silas cleared his throat. “Yeah. We are.”
She stared at us like she was waiting for the punchline. When neither of us spoke, she blinked. “Are you messing with me?”
I shook my head. “No.”
Her mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. “I—what? Since when? Is that why you didn’t want to get back together?”
“Wait. You wanted to get back together?” Silas questioned, looking at me.
“No. I told her no.” I looked at her. “But it had nothing to do with Silas. He and I weren’t together.”
Crossing her arms, she leaned back in her chair and pinned me with a glare. “So, let me get this straight. You’re dating my brother?”
I hesitated, but there was no sense in dancing around it. “Yeah.”
She blinked. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“Say you’re okay with it,” Silas urged. “Say you’re not going to make this weird. ”
Britt rubbed her temples and let out a breath. “It’s already weird, Silas. It’s really fucking weird.”
“I love him, Britt.” Silas squeezed my knee under the table.
Britt exhaled sharply. “Jesus.” She stared at the table for a long moment before finally looking back up. “I need a minute to wrap my head around this.”
Silas swallowed. “Take all the time you need.”
“Yeah. I think I’m gonna need more than just a minute.” She stood and walked out of the restaurant without another word.
After a few moments, Silas said, “That didn’t go well.”
“Nope.” I shook my head and let out a breath. “At least she didn’t make a scene.”
“For real, but I know the guys will take the news better.”
I snorted a laugh. “I wasn’t dating any of them.”
“True.”
“But maybe we wait a little bit. Figure out if we can even make this work,” I suggested.
“You still don’t think we can?”
I shook my head slightly. “I gave it some more thought, and I think the California sunshine will be good for me.”
His hazel eyes widened. “So, you’ll move to LA?”
I smiled. “Yeah, I’ll move to LA.”
I’d followed Britt to Boston because I thought she was my future, and now I was about to pack up and leave to follow another Hale to another state. But this wasn’t the same. This time, I wasn’t chasing stability or trying to do the right thing. I was in love with a reckless, electrifying rock star who made life feel like a goddamn adventure. And for the first time in a long time, I wanted to dive in headfirst.