Chapter 24
Brendan
Now
Spending my Sunday afternoon at Chris’s work BBQ is not what I need right now. I can’t concentrate for shit, and I’m fatigued with all the effort it takes to pretend everything’s normal.
Needing a cigarette, I move away from the group before lighting up. The last thing I need is one of the stuffy accountants turning their nose up at the smoke. Chris barely notices, busily chatting to Sally, his closest work friend, both their faces animated with the latest office gossip.
I’ve never felt at ease around these people.
I’m too rough around the edges and drop too many f-bombs.
Not that Chris seems to mind—something I truly love him for.
He’s a good man and I owe him everything.
Without him, I wouldn’t be a successful business owner, live in a nice house or drive a decent car.
When it comes down to it, I can’t imagine leaving Chris, hurting him like that when he doesn’t deserve it.
Finishing one cigarette, I immediately wrap my lips around another, noticing how my hands shake as I light up.
Kissing Kyle was possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.
It burst the dam and now my emotions are running free, being swept away on an unstoppable current.
There seems no way to halt it, and I know in my heart that I don’t want to.
My body craves another hit, my thoughts constantly descending into lurid sexual fantasies.
I’ve lost all control, my skin flushing hot as I battle to stop the blood flowing to my dick from sunrise to sunset.
It’s a ceaseless state of arousal, a longing I shouldn’t—and cannot—satisfy.
Long showers are my only source of relief.
Morning and night, I surrender to the lust, coming with the intensity of a man many years younger, my hand covering my mouth to stifle the desperate yearning.
I fear Chris can read my mind, privy to my innermost wants and desires.
Every time we make eye contact, guilt swallows me up and I avert my gaze.
Is this thing with Kyle just about sex? If it is, shouldn’t I be able to push it down and get a fucking grip?
I’m forty for God’s sake, not a teenager ruled by my hormones.
Taking one final drag, I wonder how Kyle explained his black eye to his husband.
He’d already been in a vulnerable state, and what happened between us couldn’t have helped.
Even though we said some ugly shit to each other, and even though he was pushing my buttons, it was still out of line for me to take a swing.
In our teens we would sometimes argue with our fists—too immature to sit down and talk things through.
It was all we knew back then, coming from homes where violence was normal.
But I know better now and I’m disappointed in myself.
Shit, I know I shouldn’t have run like I did, but, if I hadn’t, it wouldn’t have ended with just kissing.
I’d been seconds away from dropping to my knees just as Kyle had been minutes away from taking me right there in the parking lot.
I’d felt his determination, his resolve to regain what had been lost to him, to us, all those years ago.
“Fuck,” I mumble, flicking my cigarette butt into a bin.
Back at Chris’s side, I rest my hand on his lower back. “And what are you two gossipin’ about?”
Sally throws her head back, laughing loudly. “Brendan, you know us too well.” She steps in closer, dropping her voice to a whisper. “We think Luke is having an affair with Alice. Just look at them, it’s so obvious.”
Following their line of sight, my eyes land on the two in question. “Good on them, they look happy,” I say.
Chris slaps me lightly on the arm. “No Dan, it’s not good on them. Luke has a fiancée.”
Bloody hell, couldn’t they have told me that first? I assumed they were just keeping their fling from their co-workers. “Yeah, well that’s different then,” I say, backtracking. “Luke should split up with his fiancée.”
“Doubt he’ll do that,” Sally says. “Anyway, forget them. Chris tells me the business is booming.”
“Yeah, it’s goin’ great. We’ve had excellent growth the last two years. Chris says he’s happy with the profit margin and the bank account keeps goin’ up so I’m not complainin’.”
Sally tilts her head to one side, smiling at us both. “Brendan, what would you do without Chris? You guys are so lucky to have each other.”
My gaze shifts to my husband then back to Sally. “I wouldn’t have made it this far without him that’s for fuckin’ sure. I’m a lucky man.”
Chris pecks me on the cheek but I can’t bring myself to look at him.
On Monday afternoon, I find myself parked outside the Johnson house.
It’s the final day of the reno and Jeff and the boys should be packing up by now.
Normally I would be onsite for the last day of a job, so there’s nothing unusual about me making an appearance.
What has been unusual is my complete absence throughout.
As I wait for Kyle to answer the door, I run through some possible excuses in my head, deciding to tell him it’s company protocol for me to sign off on the job. Truthfully, I want to check on Kyle’s eye and his mental health.
What I’m not prepared for is Lucinda opening the door. It’s shocking how much they look alike—the identical wavy, blonde hair and ice blue eyes, and, as I’m discovering right now, the same brighter-than-the-sun smile. Why she’s smiling at me like she’s won the lottery though, I have no clue.
“Hey, it’s Lucinda, isn’t it? Is your dad home?”
She leans casually against the doorframe. “No, but he should be here any minute. Are you with the renovation company?”
“Yeah, I own it. I just wanna do a final check on the work since it’s the last day.”
“Are you…?” she trails off, pursing her lips and eyes narrowing. “Please don’t think this is weird, but is your name Brendan by any chance?”
I freeze. Surely Kyle hasn’t told her about me? I consider lying, but she looks so excited. “Yeah, I’m Brendan. Have you heard of me or somethin’?”
“Nice to meet you, Brendan,” she says, holding out her hand.
I gently shake her hand, feeling awkward.
“I’ve seen a photo of you when you were younger, but you haven’t changed all that much.”
While my brain’s catching up to the fact that Kyle still has a photo of me, and he’s shown it to Lucinda, his car pulls into the driveway, distracting us both.
His long, lean body unfolds from the car, and he walks towards us.
I breathe a sigh of relief when I see his eye is only slightly bruised and there’s no swelling.
Lucinda smirks at Kyle. “Hey Dad, Brendan is here to see the renovation.”
Kyle looks back and forth between the two of us. “Thanks Lu, I can see that.” His eyes finally settle on me. “Bren, I didn’t know you were coming.”
“I need to sign off on the work and make sure the boys have done a good job.”
“Okay, let’s go then.”
After I inspect the work, Jeff and the boys leave, and I hover at the front door, stupidly reluctant to leave. Kyle’s eye is fine, and his behaviour seems stable, and that kind of throws me. Why was I expecting the worst?
Kyle follows my every move, his eyes flitting all over my face then sweeping the length of my body. My breath quickens under his approving gaze. I walked right into this, didn’t I? Willingly and deliberately.
“Dad, aren’t you going to invite Brendan to stay for a beer?” Lucinda asks, appearing out of nowhere.
“Lu, how about you pack for your camp. You leave at six in the morning, so you need to get to bed early.” Kyle turns back to me. “Bren, do you have time for a beer? As a thank you for the bathroom reno.”
“Ah… I’ve only got time for a quick one,” I reply, butterflies fluttering to life in my stomach.
Kyle leads me to the kitchen as Lucinda yells out, “Nice to meet you, Brendan.”
The weather is perfect, so we take the beers outside and sit on the outdoor sofa.
“I take it Lucinda knows somethin’ about me.”
Kyle smiles. “She saw a photo on my phone and asked about you. I didn’t tell her much, just that you were my first love, and that I’d run into you recently.”
“That true?”
“Not really.” Ky’s expression turns serious, his eyes meeting mine. “You weren’t my first love. You’re my only love.”
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that, so I treat it as a joke and chuckle. “Seriously, fuck off, Ky.”
The smile returns to his face, and he huffs a laugh.
We fall silent so I down most of the beer. I widen my feet, letting my thigh come to rest against Kyle’s. It’s foolish, I know, but I don’t move away either, just savour the warmth of his body. “Hey, I am sorry about punchin’ that pretty face of yours.”
Kyle’s eyes twinkle with affection. “I deserved it and then some. But I bet you’ve got a bitch of a bruise on your stomach.”
My eyebrows shoot up in mock offense and I try to suppress a smile but fail miserably. “From your pussy punch? I didn’t even feel it, Davies.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Bren.”
We both look away and I gulp down a few more mouthfuls of beer. Why the fuck am I flirting?
“Hey, I recommended your company to a woman in my course—her name is Justine. She’s interested in getting her family bathroom renovated. I gave her your number.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Are you studying?”
“Yeah, I need to update my qualifications so I can work as a paramedic again. I’m gonna need a job soon.
Plus, I really miss doing something purposeful.
Being a dad will always be the most important thing in my life, but Lu is getting older, and I wanna be a role model for her.
” Kyle rolls his eyes. “Jesus, I sound like such a douche.”
“Nah man, you don’t. I think it’s great. Are you enjoyin’ the course?” I’m proud of Kyle for taking steps to improve his life and I feel like a total asshole for calling him a bored housewife.
“Yeah, I love it. And with Lu going on camp tomorrow and James in Sydney all week I’ll have more time to study. How’s business going? Are you happy?”
It’s pretty obvious Kyle isn’t asking if I’m happy with my business.
He’s asking if I’m happy with Chris. “The business is expandin’ all the time.
We don’t need to advertise anymore, the jobs just come in from word of mouth.
It’s a simple life without drama and that makes me happy. I like the routine, the stability.”
Kyle’s eyes lock onto mine, calm and composed. “I get that, Bren. All I want is a simple life too. To look after Lu, save a few lives on the job, and be with the man I’m meant to be with.”
His eyes drop to my mouth, heat racing up my spine as temptation licks at my skin. Am I still that little boy playing with matches, too stupid to see the inevitable fire and ashes? “Ky, what the fuck are we doin’?” I blurt out. “We’ve already had a few arguments, and I hit you.”
“I told you Bren, I deserved it. It’s okay. I shouldn’t have said what I said.”
“And I shouldn’t have said what I said. Face it man, we were never good for each other.” I pause, looking down. Lies. “Kyle, I need you to give me some space and time. There’s too much shit goin’ on in my head right now.”
He places his hand on my thigh, my breath hitching. “Bren, it will always be like this until we fix it. I’ve been carrying this around with me for twenty years and you can deny it all you want, but you have, too. At some point we need to lay it out on the table and face it.”
I shift my leg, severing the contact before I give into temptation once again. “I don’t know if I can do that,” I say, and it’s the most honest thing I’ve said since he walked back into my life.
“Bren, you’re just scared.”
I exhale heavily. “Fuckin’ oath I’m scared, and you should be, too.
But this is a hell of a lot easier for you because you don’t love James.
I’m happily married. Look, I need to go.
” Standing abruptly, I head back inside, placing my beer mug on the kitchen counter before making my way to the front door. Kyle follows silently behind.
When I step outside onto the front porch, he finally speaks. “Bren, whenever you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”
“Thanks for the beer,” I say as I stride down the front path toward my Ute, not daring to look back.