Chapter 28
Brendan
Now
Sam, one of my employees, announces his wife is expecting, so the whole crew gathers at the local pub to celebrate. We grab a couple of booths side-by-side and, as the boss, I shout the first round of beers.
I’m on my second drink when two men stroll in, hand-in-hand, and take a seat in the corner booth on the opposite side of the pub.
They look young, only eighteen or nineteen, faces bright with the possibilities of life.
They look at each other like they’re the only two people on the planet and I can’t take my eyes off them.
The longer I watch, the bigger the lump grows in my throat, until I can barely speak.
At first, they’re seated on opposite sides of the booth, holding hands across the table; but soon the blonde one moves, sliding in next to his boyfriend. From where I’m seated, I can see him run his hand up and down the brunette’s thigh, inching closer and closer to his groin.
Then their lips are together, moving with brazen and unabashed desire. It’s fucking beautiful. They don’t seem to have a care in the world—so at ease with their sexuality—and surprisingly, not one person in the pub says a single word.
I’m hit with a desperate ache for their existence. For my younger self to have had this with Kyle. This freedom to love and just be myself.
I feel robbed.
Bruce took everything from me, and stole from Kyle, too. The realisation shifts something inside me, something that I had cut myself off from.
Standing, I slip my phone into my pocket, then stride out of the pub without even so much as a goodbye.
Fifteen minutes later, after speeding down the highway, I stand on the Johnson front porch and waver.
My heart thumps erratically, my breaths shallow and uncertain.
Shit, is this crazy? Have I lost my fucking mind?
I remember Ky mentioning James is away and Lucinda on camp, but still, should I be here?
Doesn’t that make it even worse? I swallow nervously, knowing that’s precisely why I’m here.
So, with a shaking hand, I ring the bell.
An eternity seems to pass while I bounce nervously on my heels. When Kyle finally opens the door, his face is a jumble of confusion and surprise.
“Bren? What are you doing here?”
“Don’t have a fuckin’ clue why I’m here,” I say, even though that’s not true.
My face burns with both fear and excitement, so I continue before I lose my courage.
“I saw this couple at the pub. They were young, probably still in their teens, but they reminded me so much of us when we were alone, when I’d…
when I’d…let go. And allow myself to be the real me. ”
I suck in a shuddering breath and then exhale slowly, hoping Kyle understands what I’m trying to say.
He doesn’t speak, his eyes soft and concerned, so I push on.
“I wish we could’ve been like that all the time.
You know, out in the open. At the pub, walking down the street, public PDAs and all that shit.
I wish Bruce could’ve just let us fuckin’ be. ”
Kyle's eyes dart all over my face, searching for answers. “Why don’t you come in and have a drink, Bren. It sounds like you need one.” He smiles, his eyes gentle and affectionate, and I melt.
I don’t need to be nervous. Not really. This is Kyle. The boy I was once willing to die for. The boy who pursued me and made me feel like I was worth something. The ending was heartbreaking, but those years together were the happiest of my life.
I follow Kyle into the living room. “Have a seat, and I’ll grab us some beers. Or do you want something stronger?”
“A beer is fine.”
Once Kyle’s out of sight I flop down on the sofa, the adrenaline that led me here fading away fast. He’s been right all along—we do need to face our past. Those guys in the pub allowed me to see everything differently, like a camera lens bringing a picture into crystal clear focus.
I thought I’d forgiven Kyle, thought I’d forgiven myself, but now I realise I never truly have.
Now, as all the blame falls away, I see that we were just kids, and we were both victims. I’ve got so many unanswered questions, and there’s still hurt and anger to let go of, but I’m ready to face it head-on now.
Kyle returns with two beers, handing me one then taking a seat beside me on the sofa.
There’s a movie playing on the TV, but he turns it off.
I ache to touch him, map his skin with my fingers and discover what is still the same and what has matured into something even more tempting.
But mostly, I just want time with him. Unrushed.
Private. Where only we exist. A world where we don’t have husbands or families or jobs.
Knowing I can’t have that devastates me in ways I cannot begin to put into words.
“Bren, tell me what’s going on.”
Closing my eyes for a moment, I gather my thoughts before resettling my gaze on him.
“I guess at first I came here thinkin’ we could fix things.
You know, talk things through and make peace with the past. Which we can, of course, and we should.
But unfortunately, that won’t solve our bigger problem. ”
Confusion clouds Kyle’s face. “Bren, I don’t understand. What is our bigger problem?”
I push off the sofa and walk over to the window because I can’t say the next part while looking at him.
“I want us to forgive each other and move on for real, but I know you’ll want more.
It’s always more with you, Ky. Even back in the day you were constantly pushin’ me, wantin’ more than I could give, and it seems like that hasn’t changed.
” I clear my throat, my voice about to betray me.
“But did you ever stop to think that maybe I don’t have anythin’ more to give you? ”
“Brendan, please turn around.”
I turn to find Kyle standing a few feet in front of me, boyish hope plastered all over his face. Maybe I shouldn’t have come after all.
“Bren, I know you still feel something for me. The other night, when you kissed me, that wasn’t someone who has nothing left to give. The question you should be asking is how long you’re going to keep lying to yourself.”
“Ky, this isn’t about me lying to myself. This is about Chris. Chris doesn’t deserve this shit. He’s a good man.”
“What, and you don’t deserve to be happy? Do you honestly think Chris wants to be with a man who loves someone else? Do you think that’s going to bring him happiness?”
I’m torn, my head and heart ripping me in opposite directions. “Fuckin’ hell, Ky. I love Chris. I do.”
“But you’re not in love with him, are you?”
Unable to hold his gaze any longer, I look away. “I’m not in love with you, either.” Guilt instantly washes over me with the realisation of what I’ve inadvertently revealed.
Kyle takes another tiny step closer, the temperature of my skin rising with his closeness.
“But you could be. I know you feel it. This undeniable pull between us. It’s still as strong as it was when we were boys.”
“It’s too late,” I say, exasperated. “I married someone else. You never bothered to come lookin’ for me. You walked away and now all these years later you think you can just waltz back into my life and expect me to come runnin’. That’s not fuckin’ fair Ky, and you know it.”
He edges closer again, this time reaching out for me. I glare in warning, and he drops his hand.
“You always protected me,” he whispers. “You made so many sacrifices, and you looked after me when I got sick. But, most of all, you were the only one that truly loved me. And what did I do? I abandoned you when you needed me most. I know that my bipolar was a big part of the problem, but I was a coward too. I’d do anything—fucking anything, Bren—to go back in time and do things differently. ”
His words are everything I had wanted to hear for so long, especially when I was rotting away in prison, desperate for a reason to keep living. But to hear them now, well, it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t erase all those years of heartache. “But you can’t,” I whisper.
“Bren, I never stopped loving you. The reason why I walked away and didn’t visit you in prison was because I felt somehow responsible and unworthy of you. I was already broken at nineteen and I didn’t think I could ever repair the damage I had done to our relationship.”
Tears fill Kyle’s eyes. I ache to hold him, to tell him he was never responsible and was always worthy, is still so worthy, but I let him go on. Let him say his piece.
“Please Bren, I need you to understand, and I need to set things right between us. When you landed on my doorstep two months ago, I couldn’t shove it down anymore. I couldn’t keep denying my feelings. Because I do want another chance. I want you.”
And there it is. The problem we can’t solve.