Chapter 27
Kyle
When Lucinda is almost three, I cycle through a brief manic period, charging ten grand on credit cards in two days and exercising for three nights in a row until I collapse.
Then I descend into a debilitating depression.
After a change in meds and three weeks in bed, the fog finally clears, and I’m faced with a very unhappy husband.
He rants about what I’ve put him through—having to take time off work to care for Lu, causing him to lose an important case, and jeopardising his career—while I sit on the edge of the bed, Lu on my lap.
I don’t respond. Lu’s little hands wrap around my neck, her face tucking in under my chin. She smells like strawberry bubble bath, and it brings a smile to my face. I worry I’ve given her a fear of abandonment and neglected her, or perhaps worse: made her afraid of me.
James’s voice drones on and on as he keeps complaining. Since having Lu, my mental health has become a huge inconvenience to him. I shut out his words as I look at my daughter’s perfect heart-shaped face. She looks back at me, her big, blue, innocent eyes filled with concern.
Brushing the fine blonde hair off her forehead, we rub our noses together. Lu giggles, so I do it again.
“I love you, pumpkin,” I whisper.
“I wuv you, Daddy. Are you all better now? You was sick.”
“I’m still tired but I’m slowly getting better,” I tell her. “I’m sorry, beautiful.”
Lu holds my face in her tiny hands then plants a smoochy kiss to my lips. “I missed you,” she says, eyes wide and serious.
James has gone into the ensuite, but I know he hasn’t finished with his verbal tirade.
“I missed you too. Let’s play with your dolls today.”
Lu turns my face so she can whisper into my ear. “Goody goody cos Papa won’t pway wif me.”
It’s not a surprise, but it would’ve been nice for James to make an effort while I was bed bound. “Well, I will. It’s my favourite thing to do.” I force my lips into a smile.
“Daddy, you stinky!” she says, fingers pinching her nose closed.
I laugh. “I am. I’ll have a shower and then we can play. Have you eaten your breakfast?”
“Yep! I had fwuity loops. I get my dolls weady.” Lu climbs off my lap and bounds out of the room.
She’s so smart that some days I think I will burst with pride.
She already knows the alphabet and her numbers to ten, and her vocabulary and sentences are amazing for her age.
It makes me believe I’m doing something right.
When James returns, he starts pacing the room as he continues with his bullshit.
“How was I supposed to explain to the senior partners that my husband was lying in bed for weeks on end and couldn’t make it to the annual company dinner?
Do you know how fucking embarrassing it was to attend on my own?
I’m under enough scrutiny as it is being gay.
It’s important I come across as a happily married family man if I’m ever going to make partner. ”
I stare at the wall. Numb.
James’s pacing comes to a stop in front of me. “Do you even fucking care about anyone other than yourself?”
I glare up at him, eyes narrowed. “I care about our daughter.”
“Just not enough to get out of bed and look after her. I need to find you a better doctor. We cannot have this happening again. And I don’t think we should have another child. It’s obvious one is too much for you.” James looks me up and down with disdain. Then he leaves for work.
Forcing myself to stand, I shuffle to the bathroom.
I see a whole different side to my husband now. Perhaps the signs have always been there, but I’ve been too caught up in the romance to notice. All the glitz and glam has been a deflection, like distorted carnival mirrors, so I wouldn’t see what was really happening.
I am James’s possession, his plaything. Except now I’m no longer shiny and new. I’m not fun to be around and I don’t have a six-pack anymore. As if I have the time or energy to visit the gym every day with a young child to care for.
I was fucking stupid to have been so blind.
Now I’m trapped. But I need to make it work for Lu’s sake.
I’ve already tried to leave once or twice, but he put a stop to that.
Told me I’d never see Lu again. That he’d make sure the courts knew about my past—my drug taking, my hooking—and all the crazy shit I do when I’m manic.
James said I’d lose custody, and there’s no way I would ever risk finding out if he’s right. He’s the lawyer, he knows this stuff.
It’s embarrassing to admit, but sometimes our fights go too far. A slap across my face, bruises around my wrists and shoulders. Locking me in our bedroom. “It’s to keep you safe,” he says.
I try to just suck it up now. Argue less.
I’m a Davies, and I’ve been through worse shit than this.
I’ve got a nice house and a car and never have to worry about paying bills.
And Lu deserves two parents, and after-school activities, and every opportunity money can buy.
If all it takes is to play at being the perfect husband, then I’ll do it.
I’m determined Lu will have everything I never did.
After my shower, I walk down the hall to Lu’s bedroom. She’s sitting on the floor with her dolls lined up and ready to play. Sinking down beside her, I kiss the top of her head. “Which one should I hold?” I ask.
“This one, Daddy,” she says, showing me her favourite. “You feed her. I’m going to make her a bed.”
I watch my precious little girl lay out some blankets as I pretend to feed the doll.
I’ll sacrifice anything for her. She’s worth everything.
I’m nothing like my parents, I remind myself. And I never will be.