Chapter 33
Kyle
Now
After a humiliating visit to my GP, I wait in pathology for my blood test. When I’d asked my doctor for full STD testing including HIV, her raised eyebrows said it all, and I’d lowered my head in shame. My emotions remain all over the place and I’m thinking about calling Dr. Riley.
Yesterday had been brutal. I’d collapsed into bed as soon as I’d arrived home from my course, but then slept erratically, repeatedly waking to the reality that Bren and I weren’t together and most likely never will be.
I ache, body and soul, for him. The emptiness I felt before our night together grows larger, leaving me hollow and bereft.
I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than a second chance with Bren.
I want the opportunity to look after him. I want Sunday mornings in bed and cuddling on the sofa, and, most of all, to grow old with him.
Worried I’ll be late to pick up Lu, I glance at my watch, my knee bouncing anxiously.
The camp bus is scheduled to arrive at 5:00, so I’ll make it in time if my number gets called soon.
James’s flight lands at 7:00 PM, which means I can spend some time with Lu before I have to deal with him—a husband who’s only texted twice while he’s been interstate.
It certainly speaks to the state of our marriage.
“Number seven,” the nurse announces.
I stand, holding up the number card, then follow her into the treatment room, rolling my sleeve up as I go.
I want this over and done with. I should’ve gone out and bought condoms or we shouldn’t have had sex.
Coming inside Bren was reckless and selfish.
Even though I’d asked for his consent first, it was unbelievably stupid.
If I’ve passed something onto him and then he passes it to Chris…
Fear grips my gut because, let’s face it, the possibility of James indulging in extra-marital sex is a definite possibility.
The nurse checks my ID and details, then takes my blood, telling me the results will be available on Monday. Outside in the car park, I throw up in the gutter, the bile burning my throat.
Maybe I’m not okay. I need Bren. The thought of lying in bed with James tonight fills me with dread. I can’t fuck him, I just can’t. It would feel like I was cheating on Bren.
Slumping down in the front seat of my car, I swirl some water around my mouth to clear the bitter taste, then spit it out on the ground. In part, I regret my night with Bren. My need for him had seemed unbearable before, but now that need is ripping me apart.
I unlock my phone and find Bren’s number, my finger hovering over the call icon. Closing my eyes, I breathe deeply, trying to gain some control. I can’t call because I promised I’d stop. Tossing the phone on the passenger seat, I start the car and head towards Lu’s school.
A couple of weeks later, having signed a twelve-month lease on a modest three-bedroom house, I’m equal parts nervous and excited to discuss my plans with Lu.
The second we arrive home from dance class I gently touch her shoulder.
“Lu, I know you have homework, but I need to talk to you about something important.”
“Is everything okay?” She drops her school bag down on the floor and eyes me suspiciously. “Has something happened?”
“Come and sit down.” I lead her through to the kitchen, and we sit on opposite sides of the table.
“We’ve already talked about things changing around here,” I begin. “But now I need to tell you my plans so you can decide what you want to do. I won’t be angry whatever you decide. I promise.”
“Okaaay,” Lucinda says.
“Pumpkin, you know Papa and I haven’t been happy for a long time, and I can’t stay married to him any longer.” I pause, waiting for a reaction, but she just stares at me as if I’ve stated the obvious, which I guess I have.
“So I rented a house, and, after I finish my course, I’m going to move in there.
I want you to come with me. Papa may try to fight me in court for custody, but because of your age you’ll be able to tell the judge what you want, and they’ll take it into consideration.
For now, I need to know if you want to leave with me in three weeks or stay here with Papa.
Whatever you decide, I’ll make sure you don’t miss out on anything. ”
Lu’s eyes search mine. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“More than anything.”
Lu reaches for my hand. “Of course I’ll come with you, Dad. Have you told Papa yet?”
Relief washes over me and the tension falls from my shoulders.
“No, not yet. Tonight, I plan on telling him that I need some space and am moving into the downstairs guest bedroom. Then when I finish the course, I’ll tell him we’re moving out.
I know I shouldn’t ask, but please don’t tell Papa I’ve already rented a place. ”
“Yeah sure, I understand. I won’t say anything.” Lu chews on her bottom lip for a few moments. “Dad, has this got anything to do with Brendan? You’ve been kinda weird the last couple of weeks.”
“No. Me leaving has nothing to do with Bren. But I did see him again when you were on camp and we talked about our past, and it put a lot of things into perspective.”
“You still love him, don’t you?”
I consider lying, but she deserves the truth. She’s not a little girl anymore. I nod. “I shouldn’t, but I do. I’ll probably always love him.”
Lu puts her elbows on the table and rests her chin in her hands. “Dad, I don’t know if I should tell you this but…” She doesn’t finish her sentence, her expression uncertain.
“It’s okay,” I say. “You can tell me anything.” I offer my hand, and she takes it.
Sucking in a deep breath, she then blurts out in a rush, “I overheard something last week and I think Papa is cheating on you.”
I still and wait for the anger, or sadness, or something, to hit me. But it doesn’t. This could be the leverage I need. Although, thank fuck my STI tests came back negative! “What makes you think that?” I ask.
“A couple of nights ago, I came downstairs to get a drink, and I heard him talking on the phone in his office. It was pretty late and you’d already gone to bed. He said a whole lot of stuff like, ‘I wish I was with you,’ and ‘Sydney was everything,’ and I’m not sure if I should repeat this one…”
“It’s okay, you can tell me.” I nod, trying to encourage her.
“He said, ‘we can stay late after work tomorrow and you can eff me on my desk.’ But he didn’t say eff, he said the actual word.”
“Jesus, I’m sorry you had to hear that. But maybe this is good news. Papa might be happy to let me go. It must be someone at his law firm.” I try to think who it could be before remembering it’s not important right now. “Are you okay?”
“I feel bad that Papa’s cheating on you, but I’m happy we’re leaving. I wish we’d left years ago. I love Papa, but I don’t like the way he treats people, especially you.” Lu stands and places a peck on my cheek. “Do you mind if I go upstairs and get my homework done before dinner?”
“Of course not. Thank you, Lu. I’m so happy you’re coming with me.” I watch her walk away, a little shocked at how easily she’s taken the news.
Before James gets home from work, I move my clothes and personal items into the downstairs guest suite to make separating in the house go as smoothly as possible.
Later in the evening, when he heads upstairs to shower, I know it’s time to face the inevitable.
I’m physically ill with fear, praying this doesn’t turn into world war fucking three.
When I enter the ensuite bathroom, James is frowning at the half-empty double vanity.
“Where are all your things, Kyle?” he asks, looking at me in the reflection.
“James, we need to talk.”
He turns to face me, eyes narrowing. “What’s going on?”
“Can we sit down please?” I walk back into our bedroom, taking a seat in one of the armchairs by the window.
James takes the other. “Well?”
I try to keep my voice calm and steady. “We need some time apart. I haven’t been happy, and I think separate bedrooms would be good. For a while, at least.”
James’s face flushes a fiery red, his eyes turning cold. “Are you fucking around behind my back?” he accuses.
“No, it’s nothing like that,” I say, shaking my head. “I just need some space. To think.” I ready myself for a fight, my muscles tensing.
James rises to his feet and stands over me. “If I find out you’ve been fucking around, you won’t get a goddamn dime of mine. And you can forget about getting custody of Lucinda. If you think a judge is going to award custody to a crazy fuck like you, then you are sorely mistaken.”
Trust James to jump two steps ahead. He used to throw his weight around like this when I tried to leave years ago, but now things have changed, and I’m not taking this lying down.
The rage inside me rises so fast it’s fucking scary.
Standing abruptly, I slam James up against the window so hard the glass almost shatters.
My hands are around his throat before I realise what I’m doing, my face mere centimetres from his.
“I’ll fucking kill you if you try to take my daughter away from me.
And as you just pointed out, I’m crazy enough to do it.
” I release him and step back, chest heaving.
James remains chillingly in control, then suddenly breaks into a sadistic laugh. Stopping just as quickly, his face twists into an ugly snarl. “You ever lay a finger on me again and you’ll find out exactly who you married.”
I huff. “I’ve known exactly who I fucking married for a very long time.” I turn and walk out of the room before I do something I’ll regret.
“You’ll be back in this bed the moment you want something!” he yells after me, but I’m already halfway down the stairs.
When I reach the guest bedroom, my body is shaking uncontrollably.
Shutting myself inside, I allow the rage to explode, punching the wall.
Pain shoots up my arm, but I punch again and again, my fist breaking through the drywall.
Tears sting my eyes, and I turn, exhausted, sliding down the wall until I slump onto the floor.
I lose track of time as tears soak my cheeks, but eventually I become aware of the pain in my hand.
Pushing to my feet, I retrieve the first aid kit and some painkillers, bringing them back to the guest bedroom.
My knuckles are split and swollen and bloody, so I clean them first before taping up my hand.
I swallow two painkillers, clean the blood off the wall, then creep upstairs to check on Lu.
She’s sound asleep, and I notice the light is off in the master bedroom. On my way back down to the guest bedroom, I grab an ice pack.
Stripping off my clothes, I climb into bed, feeling old and weary. I never changed the sheets after my night with Bren, and I swear I can smell him. It’s comforting and torturous in equal measure.
Burying my face in the pillow he slept on, I replay the night again in my mind—holding him, kissing him, making love to him.
I start to drift off to sleep with the memories of Bren’s lips upon my own, tasting him, feeling his tight heat sheathing me and his hands clinging to the muscles of my back.
Those beautiful mahogany brown eyes meeting mine, and those sacred words spoken on a whisper: ‘I love you, too.’
I spend the next weekend buying furniture and supplies for the new house. James isn’t speaking to me, so it’s easy to get things done without him knowing what I’m up to. The moving company is already booked, and I’ve organised the utilities to be turned on.
Dr. Riley is keeping tabs on me, but, honestly, I feel good. In fact, I think I’m finally growing up and taking control of my life. Most importantly, I’m one step closer to proving to Bren that I’ve changed.
On Sunday afternoon, I walk into the local pub and almost cry with relief when I see Nathan sitting at the bar. We arranged to meet a few days ago, but I wasn’t sure if he would turn up.
Approaching hesitantly, I’m almost at his side before he spots me. He stands without a word and pulls me into a tight hug, slapping me on the back a few times. It’s a feeling like no other, and my chest radiates with warmth.
We sit and talk for hours, catching up on all the missed news.
I try my damnedest to apologise, telling Nathan I’m going to make it up to him and our sisters, and all Nathan says is, “Forget it, it’s in the past.” He tells me that Lu and I are welcome for dinner anytime and even offers to help with the move.
The only news I leave out is Brendan, although I’m not entirely sure why.
By the time I’m heading home three hours later, I’m certain I’m on the path to setting things right. I’ll keep contacting Natalie and Krystal until they reply too, because I’m not giving up until I’ve made amends with all my siblings.