Chapter 9
Nine
M y eyes flutter open, taking in a simple palette of deep brown. Without moving my head, I gaze back and forth. It’s a moment before my brain registers that I’m looking at the back of the couch in the study. Glancing at the thick drapes, I take in the soft glow of orange light seeping through a crack. I slept away the entire day.
“Did you sleep well?”
I roll to my side and find Ryland sitting against the wall. His legs are bent, and a book hangs loosely from his hands resting on top of his knees.
I brush away the damp strands of hair clinging to the side of my face and say, “I did once I fell asleep. Did you?”
“Surprisingly, yes. Dinner is ready if you’re hungry.”
I sit up, letting the blanket slide away from me. My head falls back as I stretch my arms to work out all the kinks. “Did you eat?”
When Ryland doesn’t answer, my gaze darts his way, following his line of sight. I quickly grab the hem of my t-shirt and pull it back into place. When I turn back to him, there’s a sly grin on his face, and my cheeks burn. It would appear that I’m not the only one who sneaks a peek when I think someone isn’t watching.
He stands, places his book on Josh’s desk, and finally answers my question. “No, I haven’t eaten. I asked everyone to let you sleep and eat their dinner in the bunker.”
“You didn’t need to do that. You should have gone.”
“I didn’t want to leave you alone. Besides, I didn’t mind. It gave me a chance to catch up on some reading.” He leans against the side of the desk and taps the top of it with the book in his hand.
“What are you reading?”
“It’s a classic about the last man in the world and his attempts to end his life so he can join his family and friends in paradise.”
“Morbid,” I mutter. “How many times have you read it?”
He looks down and thumbs the pages. “I’m not sure. It’s the only book I have.”
I walk over and pick up the item in question. The pages are dog-eared, and the cover is dirty and torn. I wouldn’t doubt that he’s read it at least twenty times.
“Maybe after dinner, I can find the box with all our old books, and you can pick a couple,” I say.
“I’d like that.”
Something about his tone makes me want to fall to my knees and weep for him. He sounds forlorn, but at the same time, appreciative of my offering.
Throughout the Affliction, I’ve been surrounded by what’s familiar to me. Little odds and ends help to conjure memories of my past. There are moments when I walk through the basement and see a picture or a piece of furniture that sparks a memory. Ryland is limited to the items in his backpack, and perhaps the pieces of jewelry he wears. I hope he still remembers the faces of his loved ones and all of the treasured memories he made with them. It’s those little flashbacks that motivate me during my darkest days, and I can’t imagine being stripped of them.
We enter the bunker to find everyone gathered around the television with plates of desserts in their hands. Yet again, River has gone above and beyond making dinner and added homemade pie to the menu.
Ryland and I join them, sitting on opposite sides of the room. I take a seat next to River’s legs where she’s curled up on the couch with her arms around Noah. She and I are going to have to talk about what is going on between them. As much as she would like to believe shooting me an innocent smile while wrapped around him will stifle my concern, it won’t. I’m afraid she’ll get in over her head and be hurt in the end.
After the movie, Ryland stands and collects the dirty dishes. “We need to figure out how we’re going to work patrols tonight. I don’t want anyone outside alone after the sun goes down.”
I cross my ankles and lean back on my hands, looking up at him. “I don’t think anybody needs to be outside. All the Zs came from the woods on the northwest side of the property last night. The primary bedroom on the second floor has a balcony facing in that direction. If the Zs follow the same path, we will see them coming and have an advantage over them.”
“I still want two people patrolling, even if it’s inside. One person will be stationed in the primary bedroom, and the other will move throughout the house just in case the Zs change it up. ”
“I’ll take the first watch,” Aiden says before erupting into a series of coughs.
“You’re absolutely hilarious, Donnelly. You and River are exempt from patrolling until you’re better.” Ryland goes on to explain the scheduling for each shift and turns to Wes. “It’s you and me in ten minutes. I’ll meet you in the study.”
Everyone gathers their dishes and takes them to the sink.
Noah moves behind River and places a kiss on her temple, saying, “I’ll be back to help clean up after I talk to Ry.”
The men walk out of the room, leaving Aiden behind with River and me. I’m dying to find out what’s going on between Noah and her. I catch her attention and jerk my head to the storage room.
Playing dumb, she says, “What?”
I fake a smile. “Can I talk to you for a minute… in private ?”
From the other side of the couch, Aiden’s head pivots between us, watching as we speak.
“I’m good right here,” River says.
I do my best to keep any altercation between us quiet, and the storage room is ideal for what I need to say to her. But if she wants to have this discussion with an audience, it won’t stop me.
“Aiden, do you mind pretending like you can’t hear us and putting on earmuffs?” I demonstrate by placing my hands over my ears.
He smiles, doing as I ask.
I flip my attention to my cousin. “What are you doing? You’ve only known Noah for a week, and the two of you have pet names and are cuddling. He’s kissing you goodbye! ”
She pulls her thick, curly hair from the back of her neck, twisting it into a bun. “He’s so sweet. The two of us can just sit and talk about anything,” she explains, securing the knot on the top of her head.
I throw up my hands and shrug. “I’m sweet, and the two of us talk about everything.”
“You’re jealous.”
I twist the string on my hoodie around my finger and pace the room. “I’m not.” The lie feels thick on my tongue, and I hurry to replace it with the truth. “I just think it’s ridiculous. The two of you are…” I shake my head and try again. “Is this a good idea when you know he’s going to leave?”
River crosses the room and grabs my arm to stop me from moving. “Time is not on our side, Quinn. I don’t have the luxury of going out on dates and taking it slow with someone. I like Noah a lot, and I won’t stand down because you want me to follow irrelevant dating protocol. Even if he goes, and I never see him again, I need you to let me do this without judgment. Let me throw some fucking caution to the wind and open myself up to what might be my last opportunity to fall in love.”
I vigorously shake my head. “This isn’t going to be your last opportunity, Riv. I swear to God, it won’t.”
She wraps her slender hands around my neck and uses her thumbs on my jaw to hold me in place. “I trust you with my whole heart, but your promises are too big this time. Our lives are unpredictable and you trying to guarantee my future is absurd.”
I hate that she feels like time isn’t on her side, and she must seize the moment. It rips me apart to admit that she is right. I can’t promise her a future, and she deserves to fall in love and have a bit of normalcy. We both do .
I jerk my head from her grip and use my sleeves to dry my eyes. “Okay, you’re right. If he makes you happy, I’ll be happy for you.”
“Thank you.”
“But—” I point at her “—if he breaks your heart, I’ll take my hunting knife and castrate him and feed his balls to the Zs.”
A huge smile brightens her face. “Understood.”
“As his friend, I do feel obligated to warn him,” Aiden says, with his hands still over his ears.
“Earmuffs never work.” River grins.
Aiden laughs, but abruptly stops when the hacking begins.
River rushes to him. “All right, you’ve had too much excitement for the last couple of days. You need your rest.” She helps him to his feet and walks him to my bed.
I start cleaning the kitchen, and shortly after, Noah appears at my side. I give him a sideways glance and keep scrubbing the plate in my hand.
“Are you always going to look at me like you’re planning my death?” he asks.
River clears her throat from behind us—a wordless warning to watch my words.
It’s not that I don’t like Noah. He was the first one in their group who showed any sign of manners. Despite my hang-ups about how quickly they’re moving, I have to admit that he’s a sweet guy. There is no denying that he is just as hung up on my cousin as she is for him.
I release a sigh and say, “I’ll stop planning your demise if you help me with laundry tonight.”
If I’m going to have to be nice, I might as well get something out of it, and scrubbing Z blood out of clothes is the worst. The extra help will make the daunting task go by quicker .
“Just tell me what you need me to do,” he says, with an eager smile.
Four pairs of shoes line the kitchen counter, and our clothes are in the process of being hand-washed. Noah helped me connect the makeshift clothesline from one end of the main floor kitchen to the other, and a couple of shirts hang from wooden clothespins. In the morning, enough sunlight should come through the window to dry the laundry.
I use the time with Noah to grill him on all aspects of his life. I learn about his parents who are still happily married, his two sisters, the city he grew up in, and that he was studying to be a mechatronics engineer. He comes from a good family, is smart, helpful, and finding his faults is extremely hard.
He talks nonstop about my cousin, asking questions and sharing his new insights. In all my years with River, I don’t ever think I’ve discussed her this much. My only saving grace is the moments when Ryland passes by on patrol. The two of us exchange glances and roll our eyes as Noah goes on about River. We make a game out of it. Ryland passes by and makes a face behind his friend’s back while I do my best to look like he has my undivided attention. Even though Ryland and I have a good laugh at Noah’s expense, I can’t deny that he seems genuinely smitten with River.
We return to the bunker to find Aiden asleep and River sitting on our sofa-bed, reading a book in the light of a lantern. I consider for a split second taking the upper bunk and letting Noah sleep with her, but I’m not ready to be in a room where they’re giggling and whispering all night long. Plus, he has his first shift in a couple of hours and needs his sleep.
I may have wasted most of the day sleeping, but my body is quick to subside to it again. When I wake up, I look at the top bunk to find Noah is gone. The battery-operated clock River set to go off every three hours shows I still have over thirty minutes until I’m due for my shift. Knowing I won’t be able to fall back to sleep, I slip on my combat boots before placing my weapons in their usual spots on my body. Tiptoeing to the refrigerator, I pull out the coffee carafe containing the leftovers from yesterday morning and pour the liquid into a cup. I grab a shot glass and a bottle of whiskey from the back of the cupboard and slip out of the bunker.
As I pass Noah in the living room, I nod in the way of a greeting before he returns to looking out the front window. The old wooden stairs creak under my weight as I move to the landing and veer to the side toward the primary bedroom. The double doors are wide open, and as I enter, I slow my steps, allowing my eyes to adjust to the darkness consuming the room. There in the light of the moon, I find the person I’m looking for. He sits in a high-back chair in front of the glass double doors leading to the balcony. His legs stretched out before him, crossed at the ankles, and his gun resting on his lap. He looks peaceful almost like he’s drifted off to sleep, but he turns in my direction as I move closer.
“I brought you a nightcap before you head off to bed,” I say, raising the coffee in one hand and the shot glass and bottle of amber liquid in the other.
Ryland returns his attention to the landscape outside the doors. “Do you think it’s a good idea for you to drink before your watch?”
I sit on the bed next to his chair and hold up my already filled cup. “Don’t worry, mine is straight espresso. I brought the good stuff just for you. I figured you could use a little help unwinding.”
I set my drink on the floor, pour the whiskey into the glass, and hand it to him. Grabbing my cup, I hold it up in a salute, and we both kick back the liquids.
Ryland holds his glass out to me, and I fill it again. He clears his throat against the burn of the whiskey and asks, “Why aren’t you asleep?”
“I slept all day and then another five hours. That’s a lot for me.”
He nods as he scours the lawn for intruders. “Did Noah end up winning you over?”
I shrug. “I don’t get it, but I guess if this is what they want, who am I to stand in their way?”
Ryland leans forward in the chair and rests his elbows on the tops of his legs. “Noah will make a great boyfriend.”
“Whoa, now you’re jumping the gun.”
He smirks and shakes his head. “I’m just saying he’ll do anything for her.”
“Sure, until it’s time for him to leave.”
Ryland sinks into the chair again and focuses on what lies beyond the balcony. He can sing Noah’s praises all night, but there’s no way he can deny the truth. They have a plan, and it is not to stay here.
I move back on the mattress and lean against the massive wooden headboard of the four-poster bed. All of the room’s personal artifacts are packed away. The walls are bare, as are the dresser tops that used to display family photos. The small walk-in closet is open with nothing remaining inside but a few hangers. River and I erased any sign of my aunt and uncle ever being here. The room they once shared is a vacant tomb .
My mind drifts back to River and Noah, and what’s transpiring between them. “It’s weird, the love at first sight thing.”
“You don’t believe in love at first sight?” Ryland asks.
I bite my lip as I contemplate my answer. It’s a bizarre notion that the minute you see someone, the stars align, and you instantaneously know you’ve found your soulmate. That fate has pre-selected the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with, and your free will has absolutely nothing to do with your decision. I can’t wrap my head around it.
“Attraction or lust at first sight, sure, but love?” I say, before taking a sip of my expresso. “Being in love the minute you meet someone… no. Love is so complex, yet we have simplified it to apply to everyday things. I’m in love with this song, or I’m in love with these shoes, but when you’re truly in love, there’s an unbreakable connection. Whether someone you love is near or far, they’re still part of you. They consume you and the choices you make bear them in mind. Simply loving or profoundly caring for someone will deplete when you believe what you’re giving is not being returned in the same way. I mean think about it, people say they’re madly in love, and then something changes. One of them feels like the relationship can’t be salvaged, so they give up and walk away. The one who’s left heartbroken comes to realize over time, and with newer and stronger relationships, it wasn’t that they were in love, but simply loved the person. When someone is in love and that connection is severed, their heart is forever scarred. They approach the next relationship with hesitation because they never want to feel pain like that again. The bond isn’t meant to be broken. Ever.” When I look up after my rant, I find Ryland staring at me .
“Are you talking from experience?” he asks.
I fidget with the ring on my finger. “Not in the way you might think. My experience with love outside of the family dynamic is zero. I was supposed to gain all those relationship experiences at university.” I cock an eyebrow. “I’m limited, but observant. What about you, have you been in love?”
His eyes are glassy, and it’s hard to tell if it’s from emotion or if the alcohol is taking hold. “I’ve loved, but never been in love.”
“So, there’s no girlfriend at home waiting for you to find your way across the Oscuros border?” I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs.
“No.”
The whole subject of love and having someone to love seems to hit a chord with him. I wonder if he feels the same as River. Does he believe he will never have the chance to become familiar with the inner workings of being in love? Does he look back on his life and kick himself for not trying harder, or not being brave enough to take a leap that would make him vulnerable to others? To be as young as we are and give up on the chance to be a part of the most complex and yet fundamental of human emotions is heartbreaking. It’s difficult not to feel like you’re missing out on something amazing, and that you’re forced to forgo love and fight for your life instead.
“Ry, times up,” Noah says from the doorway.
Ryland stands and reaches for the bottle of whiskey. “May I?”
“Sure,” I say, motioning for him to take it.
Ryland pats his friend on the shoulder as he wishes Noah a good night and exits the room.
When the sound of his steps fades, Noah moves across from me. He keeps his voice quiet as he says, “Tread lightly.”
I furrow my brow. “What does that mean?”
“I know he comes off as sort of a badass, but he’s just as fragile as the rest of us.”
I’m not sure how to respond. Fragile is not a word I’d use to describe Ryland. Whenever I catch a glimpse of his vulnerability, it never lasts long. He’s quick to stifle the emotion and replace it with a brave face. It’s hard to imagine him crumbling under the pressure of anything. Then again, that’s what he wants me to see. Ryland’s friends know that side of him that he keeps hidden.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I say, scooting off the bed.
Noah removes a watch from his wrist and gives it to me. “When Wes comes to trade places with you for the foot patrol, hand it off to him.”
“All right.” I slip on the watch, and it dangles from my wrist like a bracelet.
Noah slides into the chair where Ryland sat and says, “Just yell if you see anything.”
“I will.”
The night carries on without incident, giving me hours to reflect on all areas of my life that seem questionable at the moment. The appearance of the four men living with us, Noah and River, whether the horde of Zs was a coincidence or not, and Ryland are a few of the topics I fixate on. Of course, Ryland consumes my thoughts the most. No matter how hard I try to push him out of my mind, he wiggles his way back in.
When my shift ends, I return to the bunker, seeking a couple of hours of sleep. I press my finger to the door scanner and enter the room. I barely make it inside before I notice River sitting on the edge of Aiden’s bed, and in her hand is a cloth covered with red liquid .
“We have a huge problem,” she says.
Right on cue, Aiden coughs, and she presses the soiled fabric to his mouth. I watch as what is left of the white washcloth is saturated in bright red blood. When she pulls it away, the remnants of the coughing fit are still around his lips. His eyes are sunken into his skull and outlined in dark purple bruises. She gently dabs the blood away, removing the only thing coloring his pale lips.
My voice hitches with dread as I say, “I’ll wake up the guys.”
There are thousands of things that can go wrong, but for me, the most disturbing is knowing Aiden could die. He’s wiggled his way past my defenses and coaxed me into caring for him. I like him and the idea that our friendship may soon come to an end is heartbreaking. I’m not sure what can be done to save him, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes.