Chapter 6 TruthDare #4
Will shrugged, told her to grab her coat, and hung back to talk for a moment with Jack.
I walked off, thinking at least this was over for now, but no such luck.
When Will met us outside, he had Jack in tow.
We said nothing as we piled into the car, and I felt bad for Sue, who had to sit between us.
Jack and I both looked out the window and ignored each other the whole ride home.
In the elevator, I could feel his eyes on me, but I stared at the ground.
I didn’t want him to see what I was feeling, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what was going through his mind.
Once we were back home, Will and Naya tried to start a normal conversation, but when that failed, they rushed off to their room, and Sue did the same. I was alone with Jack, who was sitting on the sofa with his back turned.
He surprised me with a question: “I want to ask you something. Were you ever unfaithful to me?”
His voice was quaking. I’d been holding my coat under my arm.
But my body went weak, and I dropped it to the ground.
Was he serious? I walked around until I could see his face, sad, desperate.
That hurt: how in the hell could he even think that?
I knew I had screwed things up, I understood why he was mad at me, I’d have even understood if he told me he never wanted to see me again.
But he had to know me well enough to know I’d never, ever cheat on him.
“Jack, you know the answer,” I said.
“Do I, though? Because every time I’m with you, I feel like you’re more of a stranger to me.”
“I could say the same to you.”
“I was always honest with you, Jen.”
“So was I, Ross.”
“Really? Even that day you tried to run off without saying goodbye?”
He was right. I had hurt him, I couldn’t deny it, and that frustrated me. But instead of understanding, I counterattacked. “What about you? Don’t sit here and tell me you didn’t have any secrets when we were together.”
“I never lied to you, Jen. Never. Not once in all those three months.”
“Maybe you didn’t lie, but you sure as hell weren’t honest. How much stuff did you keep hidden from me? You might as well tell me now, because it’s not going to get any worse!”
“Whatever I hid,” he said, “I’m glad now, seeing where we’re at. And anyway, since when was it my obligation to tell you every single thing I’ve ever done?”
“I want to know you, Jack! I want to understand you! I always did, and you’d never let me!”
“What would you have done with whatever I told you? Used it to hurt me? Run out on me anyway?”
“I don’t know, Jack, but at least you could have tried! You could have tried to give it your all, the way I did from the beginning! I tried to make you happy, I tried to let you in. You never had the decency to return the favor.”
“My life’s not your fucking business!” he shouted.
“Not anymore, I guess.” I pushed him. “But it is your problem. And you’re destroying yourself. After all I did, after how much it hurt me to leave, just so you could go to France and live your dreams… And what was the point?”
“What do you mean, how much it hurt you? You didn’t have to go! I wanted you here, and you turned around and walked away.”
“What do you care?” I asked. “You had the opportunity of a lifetime, and you wanted to blow it, and the only thing I did was try to make sure that wouldn’t happen…”
“Don’t start in about Paris. You don’t know a damn thing about that, and it has nothing to do with you standing in my way all the time now, when I’m just trying to live my life…”
“This isn’t you, though, Jack.”
“What the hell do you know about who I am? Nothing! It’s been a year since you left me. I’ve changed!”
“I do know you. Maybe I don’t know every single thing about you, but you’re not this, I’m sure of it. You’re not an asshole, a drunk, a drug addict, someone who’s just fighting with the world for no reason.”
He grabbed my wrists and pulled me so close to him I almost fell into his lap. “Oh yeah? Who am I then?”
I didn’t try to get away. I didn’t mind that he was touching me. I was tired, I wanted to break down in tears, but I had to try to reach him somehow. “You’re good,” I said softly. “You’re a good person, Jack.”
I felt his fingers squeezing my wrists, and he didn’t seem angry anymore, just expectant, as if he needed to hear what I had to say.
I wanted to take it back. I was scared to say everything I was thinking.
I had a knot in my throat and was worried I’d break down in tears.
But it was too late to give up now, so I gathered my strength and let it all out: “Jack, you’re funny, you’re disgustingly charming, you say three words and you make the whole world adore you.
You’re a guy who loves movies and junk food and superheroes.
You do everything for everyone, even if you pretend to hate it.
You’re my Jack, my errand boy. I can see you behind that mask.
I know you don’t want to take it off, because you’re scared of getting hurt, but I also know one day you will. ”
I wriggled away from his grasp and held his hands, as he remained attentive to my words.
“I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I wish I could go back.
I know things were hard for you after I did what I did.
And I know it’s my fault. All of it. But you’re not this person, and you don’t need to be.
You’re still the same guy I met a year ago. ”
He looked up at me, and I wasn’t sure what I saw in his eyes. Torment? Anguish? Confusion? I squeezed his hands, and he flinched. It was as though the spell was broken, and he reacted with fury.
“The guy you knew a year ago…he disappeared, thanks to you.”
I shook my head. I thought for a moment I’d been doing things right. But now it seemed I’d made it all worse.
“I’m sorry…”
“Stop apologizing! I don’t want your apologies! Why did you even come back? Did you think it was going to be nice and happy? That we’d have a beautiful second chapter and I’d drop everything and come back to you? Do you honestly think I would fall for the same fairy tale twice?”
“It wasn’t a fairy tale,” I tried to tell him, but he wouldn’t let me finish.
“You left me! Don’t turn around now and pretend that your feelings for me were real.”
“But they were.”
“Then why did you leave me?! Why did you go? Did I really screw up so bad that you had to leave me that way? I gave you everything! Everything! I’m not talking about money or the apartment or any of that bullshit, I don’t care about that.
I’m talking about me! I told you things I’d never told anyone.
Whatever you think about it, I was opening up to you.
I was trying, Jen! For you! You were the only person in the world who could have hurt me, and you did.
And now you think you’ve got the right to teach me lessons about how to live.
And I’m supposed to buy this shit about you being a friend who’s concerned about me?
You think I want to be your friend? That can’t happen, Jen!
Shit! You’re driving me crazy. Every time I see you, all I can think about is how for three months, I lost my head over someone who didn’t give a damn about me.
Can you even imagine what that feels like?
Of course you can’t. Never in your fucking life have you fallen in love with someone that way.
And yet, here you are, and you think you have a right to show back up in my life just when I was starting to turn the page. ”
He got up and walked away from me, leaning on the counter.
“I’m sor—,” I began, then stopped myself, remembering what he’d said, and told him, “I didn’t mean to barge in and mess things up for you. If I’d known…”
“What? If you’d known, then what?” He turned back to me.
“You wouldn’t have left? Well, it doesn’t matter, because you did leave.
And you knew perfectly well how much I loved you.
And I still don’t get it. It wasn’t really because of your asshole ex-boyfriend, was it?
Or was it…? You know what? I don’t want to know.
I should have treated you like any other girl, I should have hit it and quit it and forgotten about you. ”
I didn’t respond, and he smiled maliciously.
He knew he’d hit me where it hurt, and now it was time for him to pour salt in the wound.
“Because you know that’s what I was thinking when I met you, right?
I’ll bang this chick and send her on her way.
And Will told me not to because you were his girlfriend’s roommate and she liked you.
Naya thought you’d never come back over if we hooked up.
So I stopped myself. And you would have fallen for me, Jen, we both know you would have.
You were desperate for a little affection. ”
He had said that to get to me, and now he was bent over, his face close to mine, trying to see how I’d react.
He couldn’t have really felt that way, could he?
My eyes filled with tears of rage. He knew I was insecure, and trying to take advantage of that to make me feel bad was cruel.
Well, if cruelty was what he wanted, two could play at that game.
“You know what your problem is?” I asked.
“I don’t have a problem.”
“You damn well do. And I’ll tell you what it is. As much as you try to deny it, as much as it fucks you up, you’re still in love with me, Jack Ross.”
He laughed bitterly and came closer to me. I had to back away to keep him from touching me, but I didn’t let him intimidate me. In a whisper, he responded, “And you’re in love with me, too, Jen. I might be a fuckup, but you love me. And you’d be better off going ahead and admitting it.”
“At least I’m not jealous,” I told him. “You think I couldn’t tell when we were playing truth or dare? It was so obvious how pissed off you were, all because I was trying not to kiss you. And when you thought another guy was going to get to kiss me, you nearly lost your mind.”
“Fuck you. Like you’d do any different. You’d cry a river if you thought I was with another chick. You know you were dying to touch me back there. If you didn’t take it any further, it’s because you like hurting me more.”
“That’s a lie. And for your information, I couldn’t be happier to be single.”
He bent so close to me I could feel the heat of his breath.
“OK, then. If you’re not into me, then move away.
” His nose was touching mine, and I did want to get up and go.
I swear I did. But I wanted to stay even more.
He grabbed the back of my neck. Not delicately, not affectionately, but like a brute, balling my hair up in his fist. And it turned me on.
“Come on,” he said, “tell me to stop.”
His other hand was resting on my thigh, and his voice was huskier, but restrained. He was tense, angry, and something else, too… Something vague but undeniable shone in his eyes. Longing, perhaps?
I looked at his lips, and he drew in a breath before looking back at mine. Then our eyes met. Each of us was waiting for the other to take the first step: to turn away or to finally close what little distance still lay between us.
“I was right, wasn’t I?” I said. “I could move if I wanted to. You can’t.”
“I could if I felt like it. But I’ll admit one thing. I do have feelings I wish I didn’t have. I still love you. And you don’t deserve it. You never deserved for me to love you, Jennifer. And you never will. I’m an idiot, though, and I’ll bet I could love you for the rest of my life.”
I smiled, trying to hide what those words did to me, pushing further into him and saying, “Leave, then, Jack. If I’m so terrible, just leave.”
He shook his head, sparks of rage in his eyes, and I spoke again: “You said you could do it. So go.”
Then I saw it: a very slight movement backward.
Before he could take it any further, I grabbed his T-shirt in both hands.
I couldn’t bring myself to pull him in, but I didn’t want to let him go.
I felt his hand on the back of my head, and all at once, his mouth was pressing into mine.
It wasn’t a tender kiss: the rage and resentment that filled every fiber of his body were palpable in it.
But that didn’t stop either of us. I came in for more, and he shoved me backward.
I stumbled toward the counter, and I couldn’t tell if we were attacking each other hungrily or trying desperately to get away from each other.
My answer came when I opened my mouth to breathe and he dove in and his tongue wrapped around mine…
His hips, his chest were tight against me, his hand moved from my chin to between my thighs.
He was brusque, and I wish I could say I didn’t enjoy it, that I didn’t yelp with pleasure when I felt him rubbing me.
But I can’t lie. I needed him, and he needed me as he pulled up my skirt.
My knees went weak, and he held me up with his other arm as he rubbed me, finally reaching inside my underwear.
That touch—that shadow of a touch, because I didn’t let him keep going—was like an alarm going off.
Suddenly I realized what we were doing, and I pushed him away, rearranging my clothing as his words echoed in my head: I’ll bang this chick and send her on her way.
That was what he’d told me he’d said. That was what he thought he should have done.
And the way he was treating me now—like a starving animal and not like a lover—made me wonder if that was what he was doing now.
What I needed was the Jack I had loved, not the Ross his friends had known before I’d come around, the guy who hooked up with girls and left them hanging without a care.
Aching, on the verge of tears, I wrestled free of his grasp. He stood there watching me, his chest rising and falling. For a moment, our eyes locked, and neither of us said anything, but I could feel his stare following me as I ran off to the bedroom.