Chapter 12 Jensen #2
“And that’s the problem. You’ve placed me on this untouchable pedestal that I can’t reach.” I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to calm the racing inside my head. “You can’t keep me wrapped up like a delicate ornament. You can’t make me a prisoner in our marriage.”
It’s those words that hit me in the chest like an anvil. I don’t want her to feel locked up, like I have shackles around her wrists. But my fear for her safety, for all the things I know can hurt her, are flashing in my head.
“I don’t want to lock you away, Mia. I just want you safe. I want you to come home to me every night. I want you to live without fear.”
“I do. You make sure of that every day, but you can do that without shredding my wings.” Her voice cracks and my ribcage with it. “All I’m asking is that you give me the space to live my life, Jensen.”
I don’t think she understands. Mia’s been my obsession since the moment she looked at me like I mattered.
I’ve built an empire around her safety. I micromanage every part of her day to make sure nothing touches her.
She’s the only person who could bring me to my knees, and the only one I’d gladly kneel for.
She doesn’t understand how much I need her.
Sometimes it even scares me.
“I don’t know how to give you space.” It comes out raw and ragged, but real. “Not when there’s a chance you could be taken from me.”
I drag my hand over my face, wrung out. The blood is pounding through my veins so fast I feel lightheaded.
She’s quiet for a moment. “You’re not going to lose me to some stranger in the street, Jensen.” Her eyes fill with tears and it fucking breaks me to see them—to know I’m the reason for them. “But you’ll lose me if you keep handling me, rather than loving me.”
Fuck. Me.
I close my eyes, taking a stuttering breath through my nose.
She has no idea she just cracked open my chest with those words.
I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the choppy water below.
One wrong move and I drown. One wrong move and my wife walks away. That can’t happen. I won’t allow it.
Panic coils in my stomach, tight and ugly. My hands are shaking so badly I shove them through my hair to hide the fact.
There is no me without her.
“Tell me what you need. I’ll… I’ll make it work.” I sound desperate. I don’t care. I am.
I’ll move mountains for her if she asks it.
Mia closes her eyes for a second. “I just need you to trust me.”
Everything she could have asked for and that was it? Somehow, it makes it worse. “I do trust you. It’s everyone else I don’t.”
“Jensen.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. What do you need from me?”
“No more extra guards.” It goes against every instinct I have, but I nod. She steps closer. It takes everything I have not to drag her against me and never let her go. “And you don’t call Dr. Patel every time I so much as dry heave. You trust me to tell you when I feel like I need help.”
My fingers flex at my sides. My skin feels wrong, like handing over these things stops me from taking care of her the way I need to. “Right. No calling Patel unless you tell me to.”
She moves into my space, and finally she reaches for me. Her fingers tighten in my shirt, like she’s trying to tether us together. “If I want to go for a walk…”
“You walk,” I finish. “Just… take Theo. Please.”
I hate that I have to ask her to do that, but I can’t go through another repeat of today.
“I don’t have a problem with Theo. It’s all the other added stuff. I can’t deal with it anymore, Jensen.”
“I’m sorry.” I murmur. “I love you.”
Her eyes soften and I want to crawl inside her, get lost in her, until neither one of us knows where we start and end. “I love you too, which is why I’m still here.”
Those words are like she’s handed me the last dying embers of my broken soul. I cup her cheeks like it’ll stop her from drifting away. I’m afraid she’ll vanish again if I blink.
Mia leans into my palms, and I fold, burying my face in her neck. She’s safe. She’s still here.
And didn’t leave when she could have.
She should have. I’m a fucking jerk. An overbearing prick. I might be the only man on the planet to risk his marriage through loving their wife too much.
“Don’t leave me,” I breathe into her skin.
“I was never leaving you. I just needed a moment.” Mia clings to me, exhausted. Her weight is reassuring in my arms, even though I hate that I pushed her this far.
I don’t deserve her, I never have, but I would level cities to keep her. “I’m sorry,” I whisper against her throat. “I never wanted to make you feel this way.”
“I know, but you did.” Her fingers trail through my hair and I tremble as I clutch her hips. “You have to learn to balance protection against my independence, honey.”
I swallow. I don’t know if I can do that, but if the alternative is her leaving me then I’ll figure it out.
She steps back and I feel the space between us like a living, breathing thing. She’s here, but I’m not forgiven, not yet.
Not until I prove to her I’m not her captor.
“I’m tired. I’m going to lie down,” she says quietly.
“Do you need anything?” I ask before I consider if my question is overbearing.
Mia shakes her head. “I’m fine. Wake me in an hour.”
“Sure.”
I watch her retreat to the bedroom. Our bedroom. Thank fuck for that. My legs give out the moment she’s out of my sight and I sink onto the couch, suddenly boneless.
That can’t happen again. I don’t know how to balance her safety with her freedom, but if giving her space is the price of keeping her mine, then I’ll learn.
Because that small snapshot of life without her was torture.
And I know I won’t survive losing her.