Session Fifteen
A Promise Ring
I had reached my one year with Cole.
Little did I know, he had a ring buried underneath a stack of files. No, not engagement (I wish) (that’s definitely coming) (fingers crossed) ahem –
No, a promise ring.
I didn’t think people did that anymore.
But Cole, ever the traditional gentleman he was, had surprised me yet again.
“What? What is this?” I laughed.
I fucking laughed –
Because I thought he was asking me to marry him.
I didn’t know how any of this worked. Truly. What example did I have? Besides TV and romance novels, which were a far cry from reality…
How was I supposed to gauge the actuality of love, when he was promising me forever?
“A ring,” he said, plainly. “For you. For us.”
“Right,” I stared at the silver band. “But why?”
Now, he laughed. Loudly. “I’m glad to know my proposal will have you in tears.”
Holy fuck. “So you are proposing?”
“No,” he slapped a palm over his face. “No, this is a promise ring. Have you ever seen one?”
I shook my head.
“Well, can I put it on you?” He asked, so sincerely I melted inside.
“You don’t have to ask,” I felt tears coming even though what the literal fucking shit was a promise ring?
He slipped the tiny, silver band onto my right ring finger. Okay. I know this one. Definitely not engagement. Phew.
I flexed my fingers, smiling. “Jewelry,” I said. “The nicest I own. Thank you, my love,” and I kissed him.
But he frowned. “It’s not just jewelry, Beatrice,” he said. “It’s a pretty big deal and I’d like to hear your thoughts.”
“Thoughts?” I’ve got too many of those. No thanks.
He grabbed my hand, rubbing his thumb over the band. He said nothing.
“Cole?”
He swallowed, then met my eyes.
He was…
Nervous?
“Are you okay?” I asked. “I love it, like seriously. It’s so pretty.”
Then, he shot up like a rocket and I gasped because WHAT THE FUCK WAS A PROMISE RING???????
He paced – back and forth, back and forth – pinching the bridge of his nose. God, he looked hot. Tie undone, brown hair a mess, curling over his small little gremlin ears. Little points, like an elf.
My elf.
And my elf was fidgeting like a kid before his first soccer game.
“Cole, can you sit?” I tapped the sofa. “Because you’re kind of worrying –”
“I love you!” His face was bright red, facing mine.
I felt my world tilting sideways.
“I love you, Beatrice and I’ve wanted to say it ever since I told you about my uncle because I don’t open up to people. I don’t. I’ve never been good at that, and I find that if I say the right thing to people then they never ask me to open up which I don’t –”
He paused.
I waited, heart pounding against my ribcage.
“I don’t like to see pity. I am capable. Even though my father wasn’t, I am. But when I saw your photos for the first time, I saw something different. Someone different. And when I felt the words spill out of me to you, I knew you were special, I knew –”
Fuck me.
“I knew you were worth holding on to, Beatrice.” His chest raised and fell with his breath, and I wanted him to touch me, to hold me so that he couldn’t see the shock and fear and love and grief on my face.
But he didn’t move. He looked at me, with a longing the best writer could never describe.
“I want you to love me, too. But if you can’t, then I’ll take whatever is left over, and show you it’s enough.”
My vision blurred, seeing Cole through a hazy crystal ball of tears and reluctance.
“Cole…” I stood, tentatively.
“I can return the ring, if it’s not what you want, if you don’t –”
“Cole,” I repeated, inching towards him.
“I just thought that maybe if you –”
“Cole.” I took his face in my hands, warm cheeks pressed against my palms, and spoke my heart’s whispers. “I love you, too.”
Because I did.
I knew I did.
With my whole body, my whole heart, it was the stability of his love that kept me afloat when my own boat rocked me towards a storm.
But every nerve underneath my skin felt like it’d been electrocuted.
I’d never seen Cole so… out of line? If that makes sense? So, verbal, so –
Free.
And in that freeness he spoke without hesitation, and I picked up on something I’ve said to myself.
Long, long ago.
I want you to love me, too. But if you can’t, then I’ll take whatever is left over, and show you it’s enough.
His kind eyes blinked beneath long lashes. “You do?”
I nodded, and led him back to the couch. “I do.” My hand shook – the hand with the promise ring – and I hid it beneath the sleeve of my sweater.
“Okay, okay good.” He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “So why aren’t we cracking open a bottle of wine and toasting to this moment?”
I swallowed, shutting my eyes.
“You said something that kind of stood out to me and I –”
Stacy, good God, help me in this moment.
Just say it. Don’t be scared. This is a relationship. You love this man.
You are allowed to speak your mind.
Cole just did. Why can’t you?
Inhale. Exhale. “When you said that if I didn’t love you, you’d take whatever was left over and show me it was enough…”
He nodded. He didn’t see a problem with that.
That was the problem within itself.
“It’s not” – I shook my head – “that’s not okay. You can’t feel that way, Cole.”
Was I doing this?
Was I actually therapizing Cole?
What in the backwards fucking world –
What’s in this goddamn promise ring?????
But I needed to say it.
I wished, with everything in me, that someone – Jace – would’ve told me to let it go if he didn’t love me that way I did.
Carter said it, Fawn said it, but the only person who could’ve freed me from his shackles left me chained out of selfishness.
I love Cole.
So I need to say it.
“I do love you,” I breathed. “But if I didn’t love you all the way, and you did…”
“Then I should be okay with leaving,” he finished, looking me dead in the eyes. “I know that.”
I frowned. “You do?”
“Yes,” he nodded. “You can’t commit to someone who isn’t fully committed to you. I’ve seen it in my mom, seen the way it destroyed her. And I’ve seen it in you.”
“You think,” I let out, “you think I’m destroyed?”
“No, Beatrice,” he placed a hand on my thigh, “I think that life set its sights out on you and you did the best you could. And there’s still so much love there,” he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, “even now.”
I swallowed back a sob, shutting my eyes.
“You loved someone, he hurt you, and a part of you changed.”
A part of me died.
A part of me died.
“But you’re still here, with me,” he smiled, softly. “You still laugh, you create, you care. You care,” he emphasized. “You still let me love you.”
You let me.
You let me.
You…
Let me –
Hurt you
Love you.
Slowly, Cole pulled out my hand from underneath my sweater. “There’s more to you than hurt, and that’s what this is for,” he leaned in, kissing the ring gently. “A promise.”
“A promise?” My chin quivered, as I rested my forehead against his.
“A promise,” he whispered, “that when you forget who you are, I will always remind you.”