6. Roman
Chapter 6
Roman
Six years ago… (Ages 17 & 18)
I’m standing in the kitchen making small talk with Audra. Every time I make her laugh, I swear to God I can feel it in every inch of my body. Her green eyes are glistening in the dim light from above the stove and I can’t tear myself away from this, from her.
Every time I’m graced with a little bit of her time, I soak it up. It’s a gift to bask in her light, and I’m damn sure making it last for as long as I can.
It’s my senior year of high school, so I’ve got nothing to lose by staying up all night to learn more about the pretty brunette sitting on my kitchen counter. When school rolls around tomorrow morning, it won’t matter that I can’t keep my eyes open. Not if it means we get to have these moments together.
Audra on the other hand is a junior and while the workload is still winding down for the other classes, she’ll still have work to do tomorrow. I know that I should shut up and let her get to bed but it’s addicting. Talking to her, getting little pieces of her, it’s so damn addicting .
“Favorite movie?” I ask, handing her a pack of gummies from the cupboard after taking one for myself. She shakes her head.
“Come on, at least give me a genre. You can’t compare romance with horror,” she says like it’s the most obvious fact in the world. Maybe it is, but I can’t think straight when she’s all smiles looking at me.
“Right, of course. Favorite kids movie?”
“The Princess and the Frog. It’s only the best princess movie ever made.” She rolls her eyes playfully, like I’m dumb for even asking, and I love it. I love that whenever I ask her something, she answers like I should already know the answer.
“Favorite horror movie?”
“ Scream probably, if I have to pick one. I love the classics, give me an old slasher film and I’ll eat it up it every time.” I hum in response.
“Favorite question I’ve ever asked you?”
Her face lights up and her perfect lips tip into the cutest smile I’ve seen in my whole life.
“Oooh, good one! Hmm… I think my favorite animal, even though my answer never changes.” Her smile impossibly widens. “I know it’s silly, I just like to be asked. I love animals and I love to talk about them.” I make a mental note to ask her about her favorite animal every single time I get her alone in this kitchen, just to see her face light up the way it just did.
Multiple times over the next half hour, I remind her it isn’t nerdy to enjoy things while she reminds me it is. I want to ask her who made her feel that way, but I force myself not to in fear of ruining the moment.
Finally, against my better judgment, I suggest she should go to bed. She listens, leaving the kitchen and walking up the stairs. As I stand alone in the empty room, all I can think about is how to get her back here the next time she spends the night with Ares.
For the rest of the night, all that’s on my mind is her perfect lips and how badly I want to kiss them. Her perfect thighs and the way they press together when she tosses herself up on the kitchen counter. Briefly, I even let my mind wander to the tiny straps of her tank top and how badly I want to slide them off her shoulders. I stop myself, because it’s nothing more than a fantasy.
As long as I can remember, I’ve had these huge feelings for Audra that I can’t quite put into words. Honestly, I don’t even remember when it started. Since the day we first met, I’ve been absolutely infatuated with her. The feelings have never been reciprocated though, so I keep them to myself.
I take my little moments in the middle of the night when the stress of a test, or a presentation, or whatever else keeps her up. And I make sure I’m always there to get her out of her own head.
* * *
Present
Audra. Audra, Audra, Audra. She’s all that runs through my head the entire night while I make a sad attempt at going to sleep.
The thought of keeping her safe keeps me up alongside the million other thoughts flying around. I think about how scared she must be. I think about her sick fuck of an ex watching her house while we were there. I think about how standing in the kitchen asking her questions to get her out of her own head felt just like high school.
Then, I was just Ares’ older brother. Now, I’m her friend. I get more than little tiny pieces of her when she can’t sleep. I get sleepovers, apology texts, and hugs in the kitchen instead of hushed conversations. It’s so much more, and it’s more than enough. Yet, there’s still a selfish piece of me wishing for more.
I don’t know if pieces of her will ever be enough. I need the whole thing. I drift off to sleep dreaming about the day that I’ll get to kiss her and take her to bed with me, instead of sending her off alone.
* * *
Sleep was non-existent despite trying my hardest. All I could think about was the texts between Audra and Tyler. I tossed and turned all night, getting maybe three hours of sleep before the sun rose.
Sighing, I drag myself out of the bed and down to the table for breakfast, hoping she’ll be there. Instead, she’s on her way out the door in her work clothes. I’ll text her later to check in, but for now, I’ll hope she’s somehow forgotten about the texts from Tyler and I won’t be the one to remind her. I sit down at the table alongside Ares and Ravyn. It’s just them, so Mom and Dad must be out.
“Looking for Audra?” Ravyn asks with her brow raised. Oh boy .
“Nope, just looking for breakfast.” I dismiss her, leaning over to grab a pancake from the plate in the middle of the table.
“You spent the night at her house,” Ares adds. Definitely wouldn’t have minded a heads up from Audra that she told him. But I can’t be mad, given the circumstances. I’m sure it slipped her mind when she got that message last night.
“On the couch, yes.” I sigh. I know what they’re implying and they’re wrong. It wasn’t like that.
“In her room,” Ravyn teases, wiggling her eyebrows at me.
“You sleep in Ares’ room.”
“I’m a lesbian. Anything you want to tell us?” she prods, crossing her arms.
“Hilarious.” I glare at her.
“What’s going on with you two though, seriously?” Ares speaks up.
“I’m just trying to be there for her. I didn’t know it was this big of a deal,” I say, throwing my hands up in the air.
My face is on fire and my hands might even be shaking a little. I haven’t been questioned like this since I was in my come-home-drunk phase in high school.
“Don’t hurt her.” Ravyn points a butter knife at me.
“That’s literally the opposite of what I’m doing, Jesus,” I huff. I know they mean well, but holy shit is it annoying. Since we were kids all I’ve wanted to do is make her laugh and smile. Of course I can’t tell these two that, or I’d never hear the end of it.
* * *
After the weirdest breakfast of my life, I go to the shop to teach surf lessons and finish up some admin work. Partially to get some things done, but mostly to get out of my house and away from my brother. I walk into the shop and Beck is painting someone’s board while listening to his music loud as hell, as usual. It’s loud enough that when the bell above the door chimes, he doesn’t even look up. It’s not until he sees my face that he finally turns the music down to greet me.
“What’s up? You’re here early.” I consider bullshitting him and telling him I had work that needed done today. But it’s Beck, there’s no use.
“I needed to get out of my house. My brother’s driving me crazy. I had some lessons later, so I figured I’d just come in early.” I shrug. It’s not the first time I’ve come here to get away from Ares. We don’t necessarily have trouble getting along, we just bicker like siblings do. Sometimes it gets to be too much and I have to get out of there.
“What’d he do?” Beck asks, coming around the counter to sit on the couch. I groan, sitting next to him.
“Nothing, I guess. Just questioning me about Audra. Telling me not to hurt her. Me! ” I emphasize, pointing to myself. “I mean, how many times have I gotten drunk and talked your ear off about her? Why in the world would I hurt her?” I exclaim and he laughs. This asshole actually laughs.
“Finally got the girl, huh?” He beams at me with his bright ass smile. All I can do is roll my eyes.
“No, Beck, I did not get the girl. Ares just thinks that I’m sleeping with her,” I groan.
“You know he doesn’t know how you feel, right? That’s why he’s worried you’re going to hurt her,” he offers with a shrug. It’s a little annoying how he always finds a way to be the voice of reason. He’s right though. I’ve gone out of my way to make sure that Ares never knows how I feel because I don’t want to fight with him about it. I know Audra doesn’t feel the same way, so there’s no reason to embarrass myself by telling Ares I have unreciprocated feelings for his best friend.
“I guess so.” I shrug, flopping back on the couch.
“And you’re closer now than ever before, right? To getting the girl?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. It’s just complicated.” I drag my hands down my face. I don’t know how something so simple got so complicated. It used to be crystal clear, I was in love with Audra and she didn’t give me a second thought. She was Ares’ friend and not mine. Now, it feels like all the wires are crossed.
“What’s complicated about it? I saw the way she threw her arms around you and cried to you. At the very least, it feels like you’ve got a foot in the door, dude.”
I huff a dry laugh. “I don’t know, Beck. It’s just complicated, like I said,” I reiterate. He raises a brow and scoots closer to me on the couch.
“Tell daddy all about it,” he says in his baby voice. I fake gag.
“ Please do not call yourself daddy, especially to me.” I cringe, scooting away from him.
“That’s a lot to ask of me.” Beck laughs before continuing, “but tell me why it’s so complicated so we can uncomplicate it.”
“She has a lot going on right now and I’ve been there for her. Now we’re friends. Real friends, not just through my younger brother,” I groan.
“Isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t that kind of an essential stepping stone to where you want to be?” he questions like I’m an idiot. To be fair, I might be.
“That’s the thing. I don’t want her to feel like I’m only being her friend as a stepping stone to being more. I don’t want her to look back on this and think I was only helping her because I thought it would get me laid, because it isn’t like that. I’d be here even if I knew this is all she’d ever want.”
“You’ve got it so bad.” He huffs a laugh. “Your answer is right there though, Ro. You’d be happy to be just her friend. I don’t think anyone can be mad at you for wanting more if you don’t push the issue, especially because you’ve wanted that longer than you’ve been her friend. There’s no way you could have known this would happen when you first developed feelings for her. They won’t magically go away now that you’re friends.”
“You think so?”
“Yes. Now thank your dad for the great advice,” he says, looking at me expectantly. I just shake my head and roll my eyes. I just hope that he’s right.
I spend the rest of my afternoon doing my daily tasks like paperwork, invoices, and cleaning the shop. Once the evening rolls around, I head out to the beach and do a couple last minute surf lessons. As usual, tourists can’t help themselves and book me solid for the entire evening. By the time I finish up with my last couple, it’s dark outside. As I head back into the shop to do my last minute tasks, I pull out my phone to finally text Audra.
Roman
A heads up could have saved me some embarrassment this morning.
Audra
Not sure what you’re talking about?
Roman
I was ambushed by your best friends this morning.
Audra
Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I told Ares because I didn’t want it to seem like I was sneaking around and I asked him not to tell Ravyn.
So of course that was the first thing he did. I totally meant to tell you, I just lost track of it with everything last night.
Roman
Sounds like my brother. I’m not mad, just would have gotten breakfast somewhere else if I knew.
Audra
I really am sorry.
Roman
Don’t be, I think it’s good you told Ares, so he doesn’t think we’re hanging out behind his back.
Audra
I’m home now BTW, my mom is here. Thought you’d enjoy a check-in text.
Roman
Thank you. If anything seems off give me a call and I’ll swing by, okay?
Audra
Sounds good, thank you. You’ve been amazing.
She adds a heart and it feels like mine fucking explodes in my chest. I know she probably meant nothing by it, but holy shit—Audra Hart is texting me hearts and thank yous. I’ve been graced with more of Audra in the last few weeks than I have in my life. All I can hope is that I keep seeing more and more of her.