5. Audra
Chapter 5
Audra
For the first time in weeks, things feel normal when Ares picks me up. We’re laughing in the car as his favorite band, some obscure hair metal revival, plays in the background. I think briefly about Roman’s advice to give it time. Now, seeing the advice in practice, I feel like an asshole for being short with him when he was dropping me off at home.
I pull out my phone, opening my messages to shoot a text to Roman when Ares asks, “Ooo, who are you texting? Back on the rebound?” He accompanies his question with a shit-eating grin.
It’s like a bucket of cold water splashes over me when it hits me that Ares knows about none of it. Not about Tyler, not about Roman three weeks ago, and certainly not about Roman again last night and today.
Guilt pangs in me, something completely innocent quickly spiraling into some kind of dirty secret if I don’t come clean. Immediately, I know I have to tell Ares—at least about this—before it spins into something it isn’t.
“I spent the day with Roman,” I blurt.
Ares whips his head around to face me before looking back to the road. “Roman?”
“Yeah?”
“My brother, Roman?” he asks, surprise dripping from his words.
“Yeah. I—um—I went to The Surf Shop with him.”
“Okay…” he trails off, flashing me an expectant look.
“He was at my house and asked if I was okay to be alone all day and I—” He cuts me off before I can finish.
“I’m sorry. Did you say he was at your house ?” he exclaims, his eyebrows so high on his face they disappear under his unruly curls.
“Okay, yeah, he kind of spent the night last night.” I recognize immediately that also wasn’t the right thing to say as I watch Ares’ eyes bug out of his head.
“Spent the night?” he exclaims, snapping his head in my direction.
“This all sounds bad,” I huff, hiding my face in my hands. “When he took me home from the party, my mom was out of town, as usual. I didn’t want to be alone, so I asked him to sleep on the pull out bed,” I spew out as quickly as possible, stopping to catch my breath. “When we woke up, he was getting ready to leave and I didn’t want to be alone all day so he offered for me to go with him, and I did.”
“Wow.” Ares looks me up and down, and then turns his attention back to the road. “So. You and Ro, huh?” he questions.
It doesn’t take a genius to know it’s a loaded question, and I absolutely know what he means by it. I just can’t tell if it’s surprise or irritation that’s lacing his words. Now my eyebrows are in my hair.
“What? No. We’re just friends. He’s been really good to me since that night,” I explain, letting my hands fall to my lap.
He hums a displeased sound from deep in his throat. “Okay. Well… good. I’m glad you’ve had someone to talk to, even if it is my brother and not me.” He sighs dramatically. He’s fully fucking with me now. “You know, even though I’ve been a really good friend to you since middle school. Some might even say your bestest and most favorite friend in the history of forever. But I guess my brother is a good substitute, too. That’s fine, that’s cool.”
I roll my eyes.“It’s not like that, and you know it. You, Ares Wyatt Dawkins, are irreplaceable,” I tease, reaching over to tweak his cheek. “It’s just been nice to hang out with someone that I don’t have to fit back into my old self with, you know? He doesn’t really know her.” I shrug and he nods. I can see the sympathy on his face as soon as he processes the words.
We all often give Ares a hard time, but he’s not stupid. He knows that this past month has been hard on me, and he knows that I know how I’ve responded to the situation with Tyler isn’t totally fair, especially not to him and Ravyn. But he’s given me nothing but the grace and patience to figure this out and I can’t thank him enough.
“Yeah, I guess I get that. But Audi, no one’s expecting you to fit back into some old mold of yourself. However you fit in, it doesn’t really matter. We’re just happy you’re back with us,” he says and the statement fills my heart to the brim.
When I moved here in the fifth grade, Ares was immediately my best friend the second I got seated next to him on my first day. Since he was already best friends with Ravyn, it was the best two for one deal anyone could have asked for.
Every chapter of life we’ve gone through, we’ve been in each other’s corners. I don’t know why I thought this time would be any different, but it feels good to hear it nonetheless. As I look out the windshield, I notice that we’re only a couple of minutes out from Ravyn’s house.
“Do you mind not mentioning this to Ravyn? The Roman stuff? You know how she is.” I groan just thinking about her reaction. She’s a little over the top about everything. Nothing is ever half-assed with Ravyn. She’s all or nothing.
Ares laughs, shaking his head. “Yeah, no problem.”
We pull into her driveway a few moments later. Ravyn’s standing there with the biggest smile plastered over her face and a big duffle bag in hand. She mouths ‘ Sleepover!’ before running to the car, yanking open the backdoor and climbing in.
No sooner than her ass hits the seat, Ares must’ve seen the bus we passed earlier come back around because he wastes no time throwing my ass right the fuck under it.
“AUDRA SPENT THE NIGHT WITH ROMAN LAST NIGHT!”
I snap my head in his direction, glaring at him with my hands thrown in the air.
“Really?” I half yell. This motherfucker.
“What? No way! You’re banging Roman?” she asks, leaning her body between me and Ares from the backseat. I drag my hands down my face in defeat, groaning.
“I’m not ‘banging’ anybody.”
“I’m supposed to believe you’re having innocent sleepovers with face masks and fuzzy slippers? God, Audra. I’m gay, not blind. I know what he looks like.” Her face still holds that shit eating grin.
“Gross, Ray,” Ares says, turning back to her.
“I’m not sleeping with him,” I exclaim as they both start laughing their asses off. I groan, throwing myself back in my seat.
“Then what are you doing with him?” Ravyn questions, finally putting an end to the laughter.
“Oh my God! We’re just friends. I’ve been hanging out with him.” They both nod their heads before locking eyes and bursting into laughter again.
“I hate you guys,” I grumble.
“You loveeeee us,” they sing in unison. I want to roll my eyes and say they’re wrong, but I can’t because this is the normalcy I’ve been craving, even if it is annoying as hell.
We grab a pizza on the way to Ares’ house and dig in as soon as we arrive. Our movie night is slightly ruined by the fact none of us can stop talking to save our lives, but it feels good. It feels normal.
When they’re both distracted in a conversation about some travel influencer Ravyn’s obsessed with, I pull out my phone and text Roman like I planned to earlier.
Audra
Hey, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for earlier. I was kind of an ass.
I feel a slight weight off my chest, but I don’t think it’ll be entirely lifted until I know he isn’t mad at me. I tell myself it could be hours before he gets back to me and that I can’t babysit my phone all night, but then it vibrates in my hand.
Roman
Nothing to be sorry for. It was really none of my business. I don’t know why I butted in.
Audra
We’re friends now, remember? That means you get to butt into my business.
Roman
Wasn’t in the job description. You should really be more specific when hiring.
Audra
I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.
I set my phone down, going back to the conversation with Ares and Ravyn. As I tune back in, I realize it’s shifted to some girl I don’t know. They talk about her like they know her well. I can’t help feeling like if things hadn’t happened the way they did, I’d be a part of this conversation too.
I watch the rest of the conversation while Ravyn talks animatedly. Ares wacks her leg when she says something pointed, some inside joke I’m currently on the outside of.
Still, I laugh every time they say something funny, trying to ignore the pit forming in my stomach. It sucks to feel like things might never be the way they were and that I’ll just have to learn to be okay with that.
The thought is heavy and uncomfortable. Sure, what Ares said earlier was nice and it brought me a lot of comfort in the moment, but now I’m sitting in Ares’ bedroom feeling like a stranger.
I don’t know that I’m okay with things never going back to the way they were. It seems like everyone’s made peace with the fact that things might always be a little different, everyone except for me. I can’t make peace with it. Right now, I wouldn’t even know where to start.
* * *
The night winds down and we end up in bed, whispering about the same stupid shit we usually do. The whole night felt like a mix of moments where things felt just like they did before Tyler and moments where it felt like there’s absolutely no going back.
The moments where there is some chapter of their lives that I missed feel like a punch to the gut. Though, I have no one to blame but myself and maybe Tyler. My biggest regret in life is putting distance between me and my best friends. But this? The three of us crammed into Ares’ full sized bed, limbs tangled around each other. Ares and Ravyn bickering with one another about cold feet and keeping the other awake as I play the mediator. This feels normal.
My phone buzzes in my hand and I expect it to be Roman, but it isn’t. When I see who it is, my heart sinks to my toes. I should have been expecting it. I should have been ready, but I wasn’t. I was too wrapped up in tonight feeling normal. My eyes are wide, looking down at the screen frozen in fear as Ares and Ravyn drift quietly off to sleep.
Tyler
Who was at your house last night, Audra?
I almost do a double take at the text to see if I read it right. Why the hell does Tyler know someone was at my house last night? More importantly, how does he know? Panic sets in, and I wish Ares and Ravyn knew everything so I could wake them up and ask them to be up with me.
Audra
We broke up, it’s none of your business.
Tyler
I don’t like other guys being at your house. Fix it.
My heart stops. My breathing stops. The world itself might even stop spinning for a second. He shouldn’t know this. He can’t know this. My mind races with every worst case scenario of how he could possibly have found out. I hate it. This should be over. This is supposed to be over.
Audra
It wasn’t a guy.
Tyler
No one likes a liar, Audra. I saw him walk you in. Weird how I never saw him come back out.
That’s when the panic really rips through me and I’m no longer capable of just lying here. I have to get up. I need to not be here, laying in my favorite place with my favorite people and letting my shitty, abusive ex ruin the last good thing I have. I need air. I need water. I need to fucking block him.
On my way out of Ares’ bedroom, I click the block button on Tyler’s contact. It should bring me some peace, I know it should. God, I want nothing more than for it to bring me peace. But it doesn’t, not even a little. Because he’s been watching me, and I don’t know for how long. I don’t know when he started, and I don’t know if he’ll ever stop.
I knew his friend showing up at Roman’s shop wasn’t a coincidence. I just thought—maybe? I don’t know. I hoped it was just the same nonsense everyone has to deal with when you have a bad breakup in a small town.
As I make it to the bottom of the stairs, the thought that I don’t know the last time I was really, truly safe slams into me. It’s suffocating. I’m suffocating. I can’t fucking breathe. I’m trying to force air into my lungs, but I can’t even tell if it’s working because I’m really fucking panicking.
I walk into the dark kitchen and lean over the sink, trying to breathe. I run cold water over my wrists and splash a little over my face, but the panic buzzing through me doesn’t budge. I know what I need right now are steady, even breaths, but I’m left dragging in staggered, frantic ones.
“Woah, hey—what’s the matter?” A familiar voice wraps me in a comforting hug.
I turn around. There, in the dim kitchen light, is Roman’s tall and broad silhouette. For a brief moment, it feels just like those nights from high school. Except in high school, the things keeping me awake were minuscule. Now I can’t pull air into my own lungs because someone has been watching me for days, maybe even weeks. I don’t respond to him, mostly because I can’t as I fight for breath, but he makes his way over to stand in front of me.
“Breathe with me,” he instructs softly, our eyes locking together.
I nod frantically.
“In deep through your nose…” He takes a deep inhale with me. “Hold it…” He guides me through every second.
I follow his lead, but I can’t hold the breath as long as he does.
“Slowly out through your mouth. Like a silent whistle.”
I blow out the air I’m holding, but the panic remains. All I can do is shake my head. This isn’t working. Why isn’t this working?
“It didn’t help!” I snap, throwing my face in my hands.
He pulls my hands from my face, making me look him in the eye. “Again. Give me five more.”
So I do. I give him five more deep breaths. He counts them out loud for me. I’m still annoyed and panicked after the second one, but by the fourth, I feel like I can breathe again. By the fifth and final breath, I feel like I can talk.
“Thank you,” I mutter, meekly.
“No problem. What are friends for, right?”
The smile he gives me, a perfect mix between cheeky and sincere, makes my heart flutter. There’s something really attractive about the way he talked me through my panic attack while staying calm; the effortless way he became the rock I needed to elevate above the noise in my own head.
“What’s your favorite animal?” he asks.
I know he’s trying to distract me, just like always, but I kind of like it. It also doesn’t hurt that I could really use some distracting right now.
“Land or sea?”
He pauses for a second. “Both.”
“Land, red panda. Sea, whale shark. You?”
“Hmm. Land, bear. Sea, stingray,” he replies, shrugging.
“Bear? Ugh, basic.” I roll my eyes jokingly.
“Favorite friend?” he continues, winking at me. I shake my head.
“Ohhh, no. I don’t pick favorites.” I throw my hands up in defense.
“Of course not.” He shakes his head at me, his eyes glimmering with mirth. “Favo?—”
I cut him off. “How come it’s never my turn to ask, hm?”
He throws his hands up in the same defensive position I did, perfectly mirroring me. “Apologies, Ms. Hart. Please, go right ahead.” He bows slightly, making me giggle.
“Thank you, Mr. Dawkins.” I nod my head, mimicking him. “What’s your favorite color?” I ask. He smiles at me, a small, genuine one this time. I feel more myself here in this dark kitchen, asking my best friend’s brother about his favorite color, than I did in a room with my oldest and closest friends. The thought is nauseating. At the same time, I wish this bubble Roman’s made for us could last all night.
“I don’t know. Orange, maybe?” He shrugs and my first thought is about the color of his bedroom walls. It’s just a color, but it feels big. It feels like I see a glimpse of him I hadn’t before.
“Why did you stop surfing competitions?”
“I think everyone expects some crazy answer, like an accident or something. Really, it just came down to being good but not the best. If I wasn’t going somewhere with it, there was just higher risk than reward. I still get to do what I love working at the shop and doing lessons.” He shrugs.
“Wanna tell me what happened?” he asks, pushing himself up to sit on the island counter across from me. It worked, he distracted me and got me to calm down enough to be able to form a coherent thought.
I try not to put too much thought into the way he has gotten to know me better than most people do in the short time we’ve been friends. I nod before following suit and pushing myself up on the kitchen counter across from him.
“Tyler knows you were at my house. He knows you spent the night,” I whisper quietly. Once I say it out loud, I become aware of the fact that this isn’t just about me anymore. Roman has lost his privacy, too. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell anyone. The people around me shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of my bad decision.
“How?”
“He said he saw you walk me in and never saw you come back out.”
“So he’s watching your house?”
“I guess so. I don’t know. He said he doesn’t like other guys being at my house and that I ‘need to fix it.’” I hold my phone out for him to read the messages. He reads the conversation before standing and wrapping me in a hug.
“I don’t think you should be at your house alone for a while.”
“I don’t really have a choice.” I shrug. “My mom is out of town a lot.”
“Then stay here.”
“I can’t just stay here every time my mom is out of town. It was one thing when I was twelve, now it would just be weird,” I respond, shaking my head.
“Then I’ll come stay with you when she’s gone,” he says, matter-of-factly.
“What? No. You can’t just uproot yourself for a week every time my mom has a trip.”
“Yes, I can. We’re friends, remember? I feel like keeping you safe is definitely in the job description.”
“She comes home tomorrow, we’ll just see how things are, okay?” I suggest and he nods against my shoulder, still hugging me.
“Yeah. We can see how things go,” he agrees quietly.