11. Audra
Chapter 11
Audra
“Shit,” I sigh to myself. The second the door closes behind Roman the guilt of rushing him out washes over me in a tidal wave. I’m not quite sure what it is that we’re doing but I know without a doubt that we shouldn’t be doing it.
I don’t know when things changed between us, it wasn’t one particular thing. It was more like one day I woke up and it felt different. It no longer felt like an innocent, new found friendship. All of a sudden it feels more like a betrayal to Ares. That’s how I know something has changed between Roman and I.
On one hand I feel copious amounts of guilt for not telling Ares about Roman and I. On the other, I don’t know what the hell I would even tell him. We aren’t dating, we aren’t really doing anything. Still there is something there that feels like something worth talking about.
Worst of all though, I feel guilt toward Tyler too. I’m filled with this misplaced guilt that I’m being disloyal to Tyler by having these feelings toward Roman. The worst part about having a totally irrational feeling, is knowing it’s irrational and not being able to help but feel it anyway. I know I don’t owe Tyler a single thing. I know that after everything he did to me, he doesn’t deserve to be taken into consideration when I’m making choices. I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m doing something bad, that I’m going behind his back.
I wander down to my kitchen and brew a much needed cup of coffee. I forgo the sugar and creamer because I’m in it for the pick-me-up today, not the taste. I take a seat at the dining room table and put my head in my hands. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore.
There’s a pounding at my door and my heart sinks. Panic rushes through me and for a moment I’m not even sure I can move to go see who it is. In my heart of hearts I know it’s going to be Tyler and I’m so fucking scared of opening that door. A second round of knocks pound at the door. Shit. I force myself out of the chair and with trembling limbs, I walk to the door and peek through the window.
A sense of relief mixed with a more digestible type of anxiety washes over me when I realize it isn’t Tyler. It’s Ares. Not only is it Ares, but he looks like shit. I take a deep breath in through my nose and blow it out slowly through my mouth before opening my door.
“What’s wrong?” I ask as I swing the door open. His eyes are bloodshot and pink streaks fall down his cheeks. He’s been crying? He looks like he hasn’t slept a single minute. There’s a beat of awkward silence where he searches for the words he wants.
“Can I come in?” His voice is rough. In all of our years of friendship I’ve never seen him look or sound so raw, like an exposed nerve. Fear settles deep in my chest, fear that something horrible has happened.
“Of course.” I step out of the way as he walks past me. He takes a seat at the dining room table. I follow him and take the chair next to him. I search his face for any clues but all I find is a pained look on a sleepless face.
“What’s going on Ares, you’re scaring me,” I ask, a twinge of desperation in my voice.
“What’s going on with me?” he snaps, turning his head to me. His eyebrows shoot to his hairline. “What the hell is going on with you? ”
Duh. I don’t know how I didn’t realize that’s what this is about. He knew something was wrong when Roman was taking me home. He asked to take me home instead. Of course he has questions.
The pain is evident in his voice and suddenly it feels like the world is crashing down on me. I never meant to hurt him. I was trying to protect him. Sometimes it feels like the harder I try to protect the people around me, the more I hurt them.
“I wasn’t purposely keeping anything from you,” I say and it comes out too quiet, far too quiet. I can hear the shake in my own voice.
“That’s not what I asked,” he says and the words come out ice cold. All of a sudden it’s crystal clear that I made the wrong choice. Once again Roman was right. I should have told him. For a while there I didn’t feel ready and then once I did, it just felt like I was putting someone I love in danger for no reason. I don’t have a choice now though, not anymore.
“Tyler was hitting—” I stop myself. No, it’s time to call it what it was. “He was abusing me.” The word is so hard to get out I swear I nearly choke on it. It feels like a bad word. One that I shouldn’t be allowed to say unless a professional tells me I’m allowed to call it that.
I turn my head away, avoiding the look on his face when he hears the words. It doesn’t save me though from the crack in his voice when he speaks again. My heart splits in two.
“It was more than just the fair?” he chokes out.
“Yeah.” I can’t help the way my voice breaks and tears come spilling. His eyes flick to mine and any anger that was there is washed away. All that’s left is this tortured look that I think I’ll see for the rest of time in the back of my mind.
“How long?” he asks. I can tell by the way he screws his eyes shut and avoids eye contact with me, that he doesn’t really want to know. So I decide to spare him the details.
“It doesn’t matter, long enough. It’s over now,” I say, avoiding the question at hand.
“How. Long,” he grumbles. Okay I guess we’re really doing this.
“A year.” I say the words so lowly, I’m surprised he hears me. I know he does though by the way his eyes snap shut the second I say it.
This is the pain I never wanted to cause. I never wanted anyone to have to take this on. It was my burden to bear. No one else was supposed to have to feel the pain of my decision to be with him.
“Fuck.” He drops his head in his hands. If my heart wasn’t already broken it definitely shatters in my chest right then. I was trying to avoid this. “I’m so sorry, Audi,” he sobs out and the moment I realize he’s crying, I follow suit.
“No, I’m sorry. I should have told you. I was just trying to protect you,” I cry. Confusion twists on his face.
“What?” he asks, squinting at me. “Protect me? That’s ridiculous. I should be protecting you. ”
“What, because I’m a woman? That’s just sexist.” I laugh and I’m mildly aware of how ridiculous I look laughing at my own joke while we both sit here crying.
“Because you’re my best friend,” he corrects, glaring at me. “You were the one who needed protecting. Not because you’re a woman, because things were dangerous for you and I had no idea. I should have been protecting you.” He runs his fingers roughly though his hair.
“Ares. It’s not your fault. You didn’t know.” I sigh.
“I should have known though, that’s the thing,” he says, shaking his head. “You’re my best friend. I should have noticed.” A broken sob comes from his throat. I’ve never seen him cry like this. Sure, after all the years of friendship I’ve seen Ares cry. A tear here and there maybe but never like this.
“I was keeping it from you,” I say grabbing his face to make him face me. “Ares, I need you to see this is not your fault. I hid it well. On purpose.” He just shakes his head. Fuck.
“I let you pull away from us.” He pulls his face from my hands. He stands up, pacing the length of the dining room.
I don’t know what to say, it isn’t true but he isn’t in a place for listening to me. I don’t know what to do. This is what I was looking to avoid when I decided not to tell anyone else. I can’t help wondering though if some of this would have been avoided by telling him as soon as I left. I search and search for solutions but still, I fall short. I’m forced to try and make peace with the fact that what’s done is done.
So I do the only thing I can think to do and stand up, wrapping my arms around his abdomen, pressing my head to his chest. The pacing stops, the erratic breathing stops, and he just hugs me back. I can hear his heart hammering in his chest and I want to apologize a million times over but there’s no use, what’s done is done. I have to live with that. His hand strokes the back of my head in a familiar comforting motion.
“Who all knows?” he asks and his voice is calmer and more even.
“Just Roman,” I say quietly. I wonder if this piece of information makes the whole thing worse for him or not.
“That’s why you’ve been hanging out with him so much,” he states like it all clicks in his head.
“Yeah. He’s really been a great friend, Ares. He even researched therapists for me.” I tilt my head, looking up at him in an attempt to gauge his reaction to the new information. There is a hint of surprise to his expression but the anger I’m half expecting never comes.
“He begged me to tell you. I just kept saying no.” Selling myself out seems like a fair trade off to ensure this doesn’t cause issues with those two.
“Do you have feelings for him?” he asks. It should be a simple question. It should be a simple yes or no. More specifically it should be a simple yes. Still I find myself not sure how to answer. Is it really worth the risk of rocking the boat if I don’t understand my feelings yet? Is it worth rocking the boat if I don’t even know if Roman feels the same way?
I don’t know what will come of this thing between Roman and me, if anything. All I know is that I want the space to figure it out, without outside input.
“We’ve just been hanging out. Everything is so fresh I haven’t even had the chance to think about feelings for anyone else,” I lie. Even though lying is what got me where we are right now, I still lie. I know if something comes of it, I’ll have to come clean. Right now though? I don’t understand it enough to tell him anything.
“Are you okay? Like really?” Ares asks.
“Last night definitely shook me up,” I confess, finally pulling myself from the hug. “I’m gonna be okay though.”
“I would have never let you go with him if I knew.”
“I know that.” I nod.
I let myself spend a moment in the fantasy where he knew. A fantasy where when Tyler approached me last night and asked me to go talk to him, and I looked up at Ares to gauge his reaction, he didn’t let me go. Where instead of telling me it was my choice, he told Tyler to fuck off. The more I toy with the idea, the more it hurts. I can’t ignore the big flashing lights telling me that last night could have been avoided if I hadn’t kept the whole thing a secret.
“Is there anything else?” he asks. I consider saying no, not leaving him to worry any more than necessary.
“He’s been watching me. Well, he’s been watching my house at least. That’s part of why I kept it a secret even after I was out of it because I didn’t want to put anyone in danger.” I sigh. Now all of my cards are laid out on the table and it feels good. Except of course the Roman card.
“You shouldn’t be staying here alone,” he interjects.
“I’m not. Every time my mom has been on a trip I’ve stayed at your house but for the most part she’s been home. Except for last night, Roman stayed with me.” I wait for a reaction but all he does is nod. He seems unfazed by the new found closeness with Roman and I.
“Are you going with us to the lake house next weekend?” he asks and I don’t know if he can tell but I am relieved to be asked something off topic. Relief is replaced by something less pleasant. There’s a trip to the lake planned and for the first time since middle school, I wasn’t invited.
“I didn’t know about it.” I shrug.
“I thought maybe Ro would have asked you,” he admits.
“Nope.” I sigh dramatically. “No invite.” I throw my hands in the air. “Even though, you know, some might even say I’m your bestest and most dear friend ever in the history of forever.” I laugh, quoting his dramatic speech in the car.
He hums in response. “Very funny.” He laughs, rolling his eyes.
“I think it would be good for you. Get out of here for a little while.” I think he’s right. Actually, I know he’s right. It would feel so good to leave Doves Harbor and not have to worry about Tyler. All my favorite people in a lake-house for a weekend, away from where everything bad happened. Yeah, I’m in.
“I’ll see if I can get off work.” I nod.
There’s a knock at the door and I flick my eyes to Ares to see if he’s as concerned about it as I feel but a guilty little smile creeps up on his face.
“Soooo… I might have told Ravyn to meet me here this morning,” he says and then flashes me a classic ‘don’t be mad’ smile. Of course I’m not mad. In a weird way it feels good to know they were coming here to check on me.
I go to the door to let Ravyn in and she throws her arms around me. I could almost get deja-vu the way I repeat my entire morning. It’s like Ares all over again, she’s a crying mess and we are both full of apologies. Me, for hiding it. Her, for not noticing. It’s the same mix of painful and relieving. We spend the whole rest of the day in a mix of laughing and crying. It’s not normal, but it’s the closest thing to it for right now. For the first time, I feel like I can live with close to normal.
* * *
The day is equal parts good and draining. It feels good to have spent a day with my best friends and to have had fun doing it, but still the morning weighs on me. The tears shared between Ares, Ravyn and I, but also the way I rushed Roman out this morning. He didn’t deserve it. He has been nothing short of amazing to me and all he got in return for it was me pushing him out of the house because I was scared.
Everyone has gone home now and I’m left here alone in the house. The sun has set and it’s dark outside. I double and triple check that my doors are locked. Still though, I can’t find it in myself to relax here. I have no idea if Tyler is here watching me. I pull out my phone and shoot a text to my boss about the trip before dialing Roman’s number.
Roman answers the call. “I don’t want to be alone anymore,” I blurt out quicker than I can really give any thought to what I’m saying.
“Then don’t be,” he states simply. I find myself wishing it could be that easy but with Roman, it is. It’s always easy with him and I think that’s my favorite part of whatever the hell it is that we’ve been doing. Even when it’s hard, it’s easy.
For a few moments I’m so wrapped up in my thoughts I forget to respond. “I need out of my head.”
“I know,” he says. It’s nothing special and yet it feels like it is. It feels nice to be known. I feel like there is this new version of me that my best friends don’t know yet, that I don’t even know yet, and still, Roman knows her.
“You’re the only person who can get me out of my head lately,” I admit.
“If you want something, just ask, pretty girl,” Roman tests. There’s another silence on the line before I finally speak up.
“Will you come and get me?” I ask. I don’t know where I want him to take me. I don’t know what we’ll do, but I do know that he’ll get me out of my own head.
“Let me lock up and I’ll be there,” he says.
“Okay. I’ll see you in a few.”
“Oh, Auds. Bring a bathing suit,” he says before hanging up and now I know whatever we do tonight, we shouldn’t be doing it.
I race up the stairs to slip a bikini on and throw a hoodie and shorts over the swimsuit. I wait impatiently to hear Roman’s Jeep pull into the driveway. Finally I hear the crunch of gravel and know he’s here.
I don’t even wait for him to text me before I go out to his car. When I get out there the passenger side door is already open and waiting for me to get in. I hop in the seat and he’s just looking at me all smiles. Just like that, the stress of the day, all the tears this morning, it all washes away.
“Where to?” I ask and the devilish smirk that creeps up on his face tells me everything I need to know about what my night will be like.
“You’ll see,” is all he gives me before pulling out of the driveway and driving away.