12. Roman
Chapter 12
Roman
The passenger seat of my Jeep has never looked better than it does with Audra sitting there, hair blowing in the wind with the top down. She looks lighter, more relaxed than normal.
I want to ask her why but I can’t find it in myself to risk ruining the moment. I don’t take the risk of reminding her of all the things going on lately when she looks this happy tonight. I try not to let it go to my head that lately every time she’s been this much at ease, she’s been with me. Or that I seem to be her go-to lately for most things. I shouldn’t allow it to mean much but still, I do. I feel high on the feeling of knowing I mean something to her.
“I love this song,” she yells over the music, a sickly sweet smile plastered on her perfect face. Katy Perry’s ‘Teenage Dream’ plays through the radio. In a normal circumstance I might flip the channel or turn the volume down but seeing the pure bliss on her face? I wouldn’t dream of it. Her smile is about as addicting as her laugh, each one I get just makes me want the next one.
“You remember your suit?” I ask her. She nods, lifting her hoodie to show me the bikini top she’s got on. There is a stark difference from the all black she normally wears and the bathing suit she’s got on. A bright orange bikini with pink flowers all over. Not to mention she looks so good in it that I could crash the damn car. I somehow pry my eyes from her.
“Perfect,” I say locking my eyes to the road. She reaches over, turning the volume down on the radio.
“Where are you taking me?” she asks, drilling her eyes into the side of my head.
“Swimming, clearly.” I shrug. She just laughs and I think I might hear her call me an asshole under her breath as she turns the volume back up. She can call me whatever she likes as long as she’s smiling in my passenger seat when she does it.
It’s a beautiful night, the warm South Carolina air whips through the Jeep. The drive is nice, Audra sings her heart out to a bunch of pop songs I would normally pretend not to like. The sky is clear, stars dance above us while I drive with the top down. Everything feels perfect. Finally, I pull into the parking lot of The Surf Shop.
“This is the big plan? Take me to your job?” she asks, looking at me confused. I just laugh because she really has no idea.
“No faith in me I see,” I call out as I make my way around the Jeep to open her car door. She shoots me a glare. “Might want to lose the clothes,” I add, slipping my shirt off leaving me in nothing but my swim shorts.
“You should take me on a date before you ask me to take my clothes off.” A smirk crawls up on her face and it’s far more seductive than it should be. Especially when she pulls her hoodie over her head and slides her shorts down her legs. If she wants to play though, I’ll play.
“Is that what you want, Auds? You want me to take you on a date?” I ask, raising a brow, looking down at her. Blush spreads across her cheeks and I mentally high-five myself for causing the pink on her cheeks.
“Guess you’d have to ask me and find out.” She shrugs, giving me a cocky smile that I know is fake because the pink on her cheeks deepens.
We make our way to the back of the shop and down to the beach. It’s dark and there’s no one nearby. All that’s out here is moonlit ocean as far as the eye can see. Far in the distance, the glow of tourists’ flashlights reflect on the sand.
The section of beach that the shop sits on is empty though, it’s just us. Even though the sun’s long set, its warmth lingers on the sand. The tide is low and the walk to the shoreline seems longer than usual.
“We’re not getting in there, are we?” She stops in her tracks, wide eyes filled with concern look up at me.
“Did you think I had a secret pool back here? Of course we’re getting in.” I laugh. She shakes her head rapidly.
“Won’t it be cold?” She finally starts walking again, catching up with me.
“Maybe at first. It shouldn’t be too bad this time of year though.” I shrug.
“Is this even legal?” she questions, whipping her head to look at me.
“Not sure, never been arrested for it.” I know it’s not the answer she wants but it’s honest.
“I’m scared.” She grabs my arm. I look at her hand on my arm and then her. My heart flutters in my chest.
“I know,” I say, acknowledging her. We finally reach the edge of the water and I turn to face her. “But we’re going to do it anyway,” I add. She pushes her sandals off into the sand and touches the water with one of her feet. Quickly, she pulls it back and looks back at me, eyes widening again.
“No way.” She shakes her head.
I shrug my shoulders and start making my way into the water. Audra just stares at me bemusedly from the shore. On first contact the water is cold but it’s warm enough that I get used to it almost immediately.
“Wait!” she calls out. I can’t help the full feeling in my chest when she asks me to wait for her.
“You coming in?” I raise a brow and she nods, looking unsure.
She walks slowly into the water, meeting me where I’m at. The water is only about knee deep here and small waves crash over our legs.
I take another few steps out, taking it slow and going at her pace. Just as I go to take another couple of steps she reaches for my arm, holding onto it. I know it’s because she’s scared but still, my heart skips a beat when she grabs on to me for safety.
“I’ve got you,” I say, grabbing the hand she’s holding my arm with and holding it. I look at her and she’s looking at our fingers which are now interlocked. The smallest smile tips at the edges of her lips and a feeling bubbles up inside of me. It feels a whole lot like hope. Hope that this whole thing might not be a lost cause. That she might feel at least a portion of what I feel for her.
Step by step we make it out into deeper water. The ocean is so calm tonight, gentle waves push and pull at us, crashing over our bodies. The moon casts a white, shimmering line across the dark water. We reach a point where the water is high on me but Audra can hardly touch the bottom.
“Can we stay here? I can hardly touch now,” she says. Fear doesn’t seem to be present in her voice. Once again there is a lightness and joy in her that I haven’t seen much of in the last couple of months.
“We can stay here,” I agree, stopping my movements. I turn to face her and she pulls her hand from mine to tread in the water.
The quiet sound of water splashing and waves crashing is so peaceful, serene even. I could stay here, looking at her in the moonlight, listening to the sound of the ocean forever. I’m certain I’m the luckiest fucking guy in the world. It can’t get better than this right here.
“You seem happier tonight,” I blurt out, breaking up the peaceful silence.
“I told Ares and Ravyn everything,” she says. A wave crashes against us, splashing water over both of us. Droplets of water run down her face but she doesn’t seem phased by them.
Her eyes stay on me, waiting for a response. For a moment I’m left speechless, searching for a normal way to react. I can’t think of a way to contain how damn proud I am of her.
“That’s amazing, Audra. I’m really proud of you,” I tell her. I hope she doesn’t find the praise uncomfortable. I’m pleasantly surprised when she smiles ear to ear.
“I knew you would be,” she says swimming a bit closer to me, putting herself in my bubble. She stands in front of me, water bobbing just under her chin.
“You pushed me out this morning.” I take a step closer to her without even thinking. It feels involuntarily like some force is dragging me into her space.
“I was scared—I am scared,” she admits, eyes beaming up at me.
“Of what?” I ask, peering down at her. My heart is slamming in my chest. She’s standing so close to me, another couple of inches and we’d be touching. I know in my head what she’s scared of, but I have to hear her say it. Mostly because it’s too good to be true, there is no way I’m living in a world where she feels this too.
“This,” she says, stepping forward with a shrug and closing the gap between us. Her skin is touching mine now and I feel it buzzing in every inch of my body. She’s so addicting.
“Us.” She tips her head up to look me in the eye. If my heart was slamming before, I think it might be about to explode now.
“What’s scary about this?” I ask, tucking a strand of soaking wet hair behind her ear.
“Nothing. That’s what scares me.” She exhales harshly. The eye contact is piercing. I can’t pull my eyes away from her. Every cell in my body is screaming for me to kiss her. I think she might even be screaming for me to kiss her. I can’t seem to pull my focus from her lips but when I do, I find she’s looking at mine. I can’t kiss her until she asks. After all that she’s been through, I won’t kiss her unless she asks me to.
“If you want something, Auds, you’re going to have to ask.” It comes out so low it’s almost a whisper but it’s not like it matters, I know she hears me. Partially because I’m only inches away from her face at this point. Mostly though, because she does, she asks.
“Kiss me.” The words come out an awful lot like a demand. Not that I care, I would have done it no matter how she asked. I don’t respond—I can’t respond. I’m speechless and honestly, I’ve waited so long for this, I don’t intend on wasting any time talking.
I wrap a gentle hand behind her neck, bringing her mouth to mine. Our lips brush for a moment before we’re fully consumed in the kiss. I can hear my pulse in my ears, every inch of my skin is tingling. I feel like I’ve been lit on fire. This has to be what heaven is like. Fuck, this might be better.
One of her small hands wraps around the back of my neck and tangles in the hair at the nape of my neck. It starts off gentle but now it’s hungry and urgent. I’ve never been one who really bought into the whole fireworks thing but now I get it because this is the grand fucking finale.
She pulls at me trying to draw me closer but this is as close as two people can get. Where the hell did she learn to kiss like this? I can hardly stomach the thought and immediately push it out of my head.
My tongue swipes across her bottom lip and she lets out the sweetest goddamn noise I’ve ever heard in my life. The softest moan vibrates against my mouth and I’m ruined.
Fucking ruined. There is no coming back from this. It’s this— us— or nothing. It can’t get better than this, this has to be the peak of my life, kissing her with the sound of waves crashing around us. She pulls back from me, chest heaving, and eyes scanning mine. Holy shit.
We’re just looking at each other, in silence. Think Roman. Find something to say. Do not fuck this up. Say something. Say anything.
“Holy shit.” Not that. Jesus.
And just like that, the trance ends. The perfect little bubble of moonlight we’d been existing in bursts, and if that wasn’t bad enough, I’m front and center to watch the realization of what just happened sink into Audra’s eyes. Her eyes flit between mine as the blissful look on her face slowly washes away. I’m helpless to do anything but stand there while she takes a step back and drops her hands back into the water.
“We should go back,” she mumbles, turning her face away from me. No no no. Surely I misheard her .
“What?” I ask. This can not be how this night ends.
“I want to go back in,” she says, her words much clearer this time. Just like that, she turns and starts wading through the water, back to the shore.
A giant hollow hole opens up in my chest, feeling like it might swallow me whole. This can’t be it. No way after a kiss like that do we just go back to how things were. I can’t. I won’t.
I don’t fight her on it though, I just follow her. Sand sticks to the water running down my legs. It’s uncomfortable but not as uncomfortable as the silence walking back up to the surf shack. I can’t let the night end this way. That kiss was everything. It was perfect and I’m struggling to understand how we got from there to here.
“Audra, please talk to me,” I call out to her. She stops and turns to face me.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she says shaking her head. She turns back to walk away. Fuck fuck fuck. I race behind to catch up. I’m next to her now but she refuses to look at me.
“Don’t do this,” I plead. I’m riding the line of sounding desperate or maybe I’ve crossed it. I don’t know, and I don’t particularly care.
“I’m not doing anything,” she snaps.
“You’re pushing me away.”
“Because we can’t do this!” she exclaims. For a moment she stands there, waving her hands, searching for words. “We just can’t, Roman. You know that. It’s just…” She trails off, failing to find the words or refusing to say them.
“Just what, Audra?” I counter, frustration seeping into my tone. I know it’s not fair, but damn it, I can’t just sit by and let her walk away. I already did down at the water, I can’t do it again.
“Nothing. It’s just nothing. It was a mistake, and we can’t do it again.” She trudges back up the rest of the way to the parking lot, arms wrapped around herself and shaking her head.
When I can find it in myself to get moving again, I begin the walk back to the shop, going to grab some spare towels Beck and I keep for the outdoor showers. It’s not miserable out, but certainly I think being warmer would help both of us feel more comfortable on the drive home. At the very least, I hope the towels can be a peace offering, showing Audra I’m still here and that everything is okay. That we’re okay.
I grab the towels, deciding to give her a little more time alone as to not pressure her and dick around in the store, cleaning up imaginary dust and debris from the floor.
As I finish my pathetic attempt at stalling, I gather up the towels and decide to face the music when I hear a car engine pull into the parking lot.
Running out the door, I get to the parking lot just in time to see Audra, still soaking wet, climb into Ravyn’s car and close the door. She looks just like she did the night this all started, except instead of coming to me, letting me fix this—fix us— she’s putting a world of distance between us. She meets my eyes right as Ravyn puts the car in reverse and I see tears start to stream down her face.
I know I should go after her. I want to go after her. I want to run after Ravyn and scream to stop the car, toss Audra’s door open, pull her out and ask her to listen. To not mark what just happened off as a mistake, as if it’s not the best thing that’s ever happened to me. As if it’s not the best thing that could happen to us.
But I don’t. Not when I watch those tears stream down her perfect face. Not when I know that I, one way or another, am the one who put them there. I just watch from the parking lot, heartbroken and defenseless, as the girl of my dreams drives away, taking my heart with her.