13. Roman
Chapter 13
Roman
All of the years I spent pining after Audra felt like torture but as it would turn out, nothing in the world compares to having it, touching it, and losing it. I’ve had hard weeks in my life but nothing quite as hard as the radio silence from Audra after knowing what it’s like to have her.
It’s been six days since Audra left me at The Surf Shack. Six days of hearing nothing from her. Six days of no laughs. Six days of no check-in texts.
I feel like I’ve gone through the full five stages of grief. Scratch that—call it four. I’ll never accept something so perfect and meant to be, being over.
The first four though, yeah, been there. Denial, being absolutely positive she would wake up the next morning and apologize or at least talk to me. But she never did. Anger, being angry at myself for kissing her, I knew it was too soon but she was there perfect as always and asking, how could I say no? Bargaining, the embarrassing number of texts I’ve sent her asking her to please just talk to me. Depression, the nauseating sadness that smacks me right in the face at the end of every day when I realize she hasn’t changed her mind. That she still isn’t talking to me. And that I might have blown it with the only girl I’ve ever really wanted.
The only silver lining to the end of this week is that we’re doing a trip to the lake house and I can get a break from all the things that remind me of Audra. I know she’ll never be gone from my head but at least I can take a break from devoting all my time to pining after her like a lovesick fool.
I’ve been in my room packing for what seems like forever. It’s just a weekend trip and yet I still find it within myself to be stressed about under or over packing. I grab the last couple of things and make a mental check-list of the essentials.
Ares is bringing Ravyn. I considered bringing Beck since we were allowed to invite friends, but the trade off would be having the shop closed for the entire weekend. Technically, I could afford it but it seemed like an unnecessary expense. Plus, I don’t know that I have it in me to ward off questions from both Beck and Ares, especially not when Ravyn keeps shooting sympathetic glances at me every chance she gets.
I appreciate their concern. Really, I do, and if it were any other loss, I’d take it a lot better. But not when it’s her. The absence of Audra is suffocating. Some days it aches so bad that it feels like I never left the water, that a rip current came and sucked me out to sea and I’m screaming, lungs filled with water as the shape of her fades from vision while she walks up the shore. I shake the sensation from my head, trying to refocus on packing, but none of it seems to matter, not when she’s gone. Even the cheerful orange of my walls—my once favorite color—feels dull in the wake of her loss.
I throw the rest of my things in my bag, trying to get started on the relief of this vacation as soon as possible, and run down the stairs. My mom is waiting in the entry room with all the other things we still need to pack into the car, namely the lawn chairs, when I notice she’s got an extra chair out. Weird. Still though, I carry my bag out to the car.
There Audra stands, perfect as always and it’s a knife to my fucking gut. I shouldn’t find solace in the fact that she looks as upset as I imagine that I do. Black and white strands are all tied into a messy knot on the top of her head and she’s still in pajamas. My pajamas.
She’s wearing the plaid pajama pants and tie dye shirt I gave her that first night. I try to tell myself it means nothing. Don’t give yourself hope. The part of me that should be moving on and trying to forget screams at me to chalk it up to nothing. And yet, I can’t bring myself to believe that. Even if it’s as simple as looking for the comfort I was giving her at one point, I know it means something.
I realize after far too long that I’ve just been staring at her. I haven’t said a word and to my own surprise, I’ve stopped walking entirely. Way to keep it together. Finally I force myself to at least wave at her. She gives me a weak sympathetic smile and a wave. It should annoy me, maybe even hurt my feelings, but instead I’m giddy over the tiny piece of her she’s willing to give. Just like that we’re back at square one. I’m wishing for little pieces and not even making it on her radar.
“Didn’t know you were coming,” I say simply. She doesn’t even acknowledge me with a response and it pisses me off until I look up and she just looks sad. I want to beg her to tell me what’s wrong, even if it’s my fault. I want to grab her and make her talk to me. I just want her to talk to me.
We all pack our shit into the van and if the whole thing isn’t bad enough, Audra and I are the ones put in the way back. Ravyn made a weak attempt to switch seats with me or Audra but leave it to my brother to ask a million questions. In the end it came down to Ares not understanding why we would sit differently than we have for every other trip we’ve all been on. So that’s how it ended up being us in the back.
We’re about an hour into the drive. My brother and Ravyn have yet to bless us with a moment of silence. Audra on the other hand has hardly made a sound. The lightness she had about her the last time I saw her seems to be gone. She wears a dull look on her face and when she laughs at one of their jokes, it doesn’t spill sunshine into the room like it should. I don’t know if it’s because my heart might be a little shattered or if it’s because hers might be too.
“Do you two ever shut up?” I groan, throwing my head back against the headrest. Ares just laughs but Ravyn throws me a middle finger and then a second to go with it.
“Ro, just because you’ve been in a mood doesn’t mean we can’t laugh,” Ares retorts.
“I’m not in a mood,” I bite out. Ares just gives me a skeptical nod. I want to scream it in his face until he believes me but, perhaps that means I am in a mood.
By the second hour of the drive I want to get a pair of socks out of my suitcase and shove one in each of their mouths. By the third, I’m ready to grab Ares’ seat belt and strangle him if it means a moment of silence. I’m irritated the entire drive and Audra is silent the entire drive. All I can think the entire time is that this can’t be the new normal. Things can’t be like this forever. I won’t let them.
* * *
A full five and a half hour drive later and we’re finally at the lake in Oakwood. When mom finally parks the car in front of the lake house we are all in a hurry to get out and stretch our legs. We all grab our bags and take them to our respective rooms.
Mom and dad have the master room on the second floor that overlooks the lake. The rest of the bedrooms are on the first floor which I’m sure is intentional. Less of an issue now but when we were teenagers coming here? Fat chance they’d want to be staying on the same floor as all of us. The first floor is home to all of the common spaces, living room, kitchen, laundry, and the back deck. Ares and I each have a room to ourselves and, Audra and Ravyn share one of the guest rooms.
I walk into my room and drop my bag on the bench at the end of the bed. I waste no time throwing myself on it as well. This was supposed to be a way to forget, even if it was just for a couple of days. Now I have to face her all weekend. I want so badly for her to come to her senses and realize that I’ve done nothing wrong. Or at the very least that if I did, we can still be friends despite whatever I did.
I can’t ever remember having my heart broken like this. Probably because it was never her and I always had one foot out the door with anyone else. It’s always been her. There’s no one else for me.
I do the only thing I can to take my mind off of her and I shut my eyes for a nap. It’s early afternoon when I fall asleep but it’s well into the evening when a knock at my door wakes me up.
“Come in,” I call out. I expect mom or dad—maybe even Ares—but I don’t expect Ravyn to be at the door. I push myself up on my elbows to see what she’s doing in here.
“We’re about to get the fire started, we thought you might want to come down.” She shrugs, standing in my doorway. I feel like I woke up in the twilight zone. Why is Ravyn of all people waking me up? Confused doesn’t even cover it.
“I don’t know. I think maybe I just want to rest for the night.” I sigh, laying my head back down. She huffs and comes over to sit on the end of the bed. I have never in my 24 years had a one on one talk with Ravyn. Definitely not the kind where she comes and sits at the end of my bed. What the hell is going on?
“You can’t avoid her all weekend,” she says softly, like she genuinely cares. Which is weird because last I checked all I was to Ravyn was Ares’ asshole brother. I know she picked Audra up that night we kissed but I wonder what Audra told her. I wonder what all Ravyn knows. More importantly I wonder what Ravyn told Ares.
“This isn’t about Audra.” I huff. It’s a lie. A bold faced lie. Still, I say it. She laughs. She laughs out loud at me.
“Get up,” she says, standing from the bed. “Pity party is over. Meet me outside or I’ll be back to get you,” she demands and with that she walks out the bedroom door and closes it behind her. What the fuck?
I rack my brain trying to think of why in the hell Ravyn cares about me laying up here all night. A small voice in my head tugs at me, screaming that it’s because Audra cares. That maybe she sent her. I don’t dwell on the thought though. I had my time living in a reality that was too good to be true. It’s done now though. No more dreams to live in.
Partially out of curiosity and partially out of fear I follow Ravyn’s demand and throw on a hoodie and head out back. In a circle around a fire sits Mom, Dad, Ares, Ravyn, Audra, and lastly, a single empty chair between Mom and Audra. That voice in my head is back and screaming that this is some kind of plan by Ravyn because Audra still cares. Though I find the common sense to shove that voice down.
I take the empty seat and feel the warmth coming off of the fire and fizzling off the chill of the breeze coming off the lake. Everyone is talking and laughing, even me. It’s a beautiful night. The sky is clear and I feel like I can see every star.
I steal a couple of glances at Audra throughout the night. It’s nice to see her laugh but it doesn’t have the same buzzing effect as when I’m the one making her laugh. Ares and Ravyn laugh and laugh over nothing and everything. Sometimes I swear they were meant to be siblings instead. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ares and I’d protect him with my life. Sometimes it just feels like there’s an effortlessness to their relationship and humor that’s missing between him and I.
A couple of hours pass and Mom and Dad head in to bed, leaving the four of us out at the fire. Ares is going on and on about Katrina to Ravyn and I can’t help but clock the sad look on Audra’s face. I know her too well. I know she’s feeling like she’s on the outside of something she had always been on the inside of. I know it because she’s cried in my arms about it.
I want to grab my brother by his shirt and tell him to tell her right now. I don’t though, of course, because that would be insane. I also clock the way she holds her own arms, tucking her legs up in the chair because she’s cold. I want to give her my hoodie, maybe even pull her into my lap. I don’t do that either though because it’s not my place. She made that crystal clear.
Just as I’m starting to think of excuses to go back up to my room and pout about Audra leaving me, Ravyn locks eyes with me. She gets a look in her eye that tells me exactly what I had expected. Even if the little voice in my head was wrong about Audra still caring, it was right about Ravyn having a plan. Her eyes flick from me, to Audra, then back to Ares.
“Ares, can you come inside with me?” she says suddenly. It’s so unsubtle that I feel like she might as well just ask if we’d like to be alone. Which I think we’d have very different answers to.
“What? Why?” he asks and either she was more subtle than I thought or my brother is an idiot. I know where I’d put my money.
“I need help.” She shrugs
“With what?”
“God, what is this? Twenty questions? Just come help me,” she huffs. He throws his hands up in defeat and stands up to follow her. That’s Ares though, doing whatever Ravyn and Audra ask for as long as I can remember. I’ve learned two things tonight. One, my brother is an idiot. Two, Ravyn might be a gold medalist in getting what she wants. They walk up the deck stairs and into the house. I wonder what the hell she’ll come up with to have him help with.
Audra looks back at the house and then back to the fire, rubbing her hands over her arms again. I try not to pay much attention to the fact that when Ravyn and Ares went inside Audra didn’t try to follow. Still the voice is screaming in the back of my mind.
“Take my hoodie,” I say, breaking the silence.
“No, I’m okay.” She shakes her head, keeping her eyes straight on the fire. It shouldn’t feel this good to hear her voice. If it feels this good to hear someone talk to you, that’s probably a good sign that they don’t want to talk to you. I don’t listen though, of course, and I pull the hoodie up over my head and hand it to her. She looks at the hoodie, then me, then pulls it over her head. Relief fills me because at least she doesn’t hate me.
“Thank you,” she says quietly, snuggling into the hoodie that has to be at least three sizes too big.
“No problem.” The interaction feels strained, like we are complete strangers and it’s eating me alive. I wish I had grabbed a beer on my way out here. Anything to take the edge off.
“Can we talk?” she asks and her voice is so soft, like she’s scared to ask. I swear I think I feel my heart glow in my chest when she asks.
“Yeah,” I say turning my chair to face hers. “We can talk.” The voice telling me she knew about Ravyn’s plan is just laughing at me now. She really knew. She actually wanted to talk to me. I consider mentioning it, telling her she didn’t need a plan, but I don’t. I don’t risk a thing when it comes to her. I never will again.
“I shouldn’t have left you like that,” she says, shaking her head like she’s disappointed in herself for doing it. “I shouldn’t have gone silent on you after that either.”
“Yeah.” I nod. I should probably say more, tell her it’s okay or that I understand given everything she’s been through. It would be a lie, though. I don’t understand and it hasn’t felt okay.
“I just wanted to apologize. You know, you didn’t deserve that and I just thought you should know.” She nods like she’s assuring herself as she speaks.
“Why’d you run, Auds?” The question burns a hole in my tongue until I finally let it out. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat. “Did I make you uncomfortable?” The question I have been too afraid to ask because it’s the last thing I would ever want to do. Her eyebrows shoot up and she sits forward in her seat toward me.
“No. God no. Please don’t think that. I asked you to kiss me. I wanted you to kiss me.” The words bring instant relief to me. The bigger issue this week was losing her but there was an underlying fear the entire time that it was because I had made her uncomfortable.
“Then what happened?” I ask.
“It felt like we were running into something we should have been walking into. It felt so fast after everything I had been through.” Audra pulls her hands into the sleeves of the hoodie I gave her, pulling them to chest. “And I had just told Ares everything. It felt insane to immediately start hiding stuff from him again,” she admits. It all makes sense. Perfect sense. It’s like all the pieces snap into place.
“We could have told him.” I shrug. What a stupid fucking thing to say. She goes to speak but I cut her off. “That was stupid, I’m sorry.” I shake my head.
“I think we should just be friends. At least until the smoke clears, you know? When things with Tyler aren’t so fresh and when things with Ares are in a place better for dropping bombs like that.” I’m equal parts devastated and relieved when she says the word friends. I’ll take anything from her other than the radio silence I’ve had for the last week. Still though, after the last few weeks and the kiss we shared, friends just doesn’t feel like enough.
“Friends sounds great,” I say with a cheesy smile and I hope she can’t tell how bitter the word friends tastes in my mouth. Whatever she needs, I’ll be. If that’s a friend, then I’ll be the best damn friend she’s ever had. Doesn’t mean I won’t spend every minute of it hoping she realizes I’m still what she wants.
“I missed you,” she says, scooting her chair up against mine and tipping her head on my shoulder. Now I know my heart is glowing in my chest. I tip my head to sit gently on top of hers.
“I missed you. I don’t like not being around to keep you safe,” I mumble against her hair. Her body relaxes against my shoulder.
“Me either. I feel better when you’re around.”
“Then around I will be,” I assure her.