14. Audra
Chapter 14
Audra
The second I open my eyes my senses are engulfed in the smell of bacon and pancakes filling the house. Allison never misses a chance to cook breakfast for all of us. There is no one on this planet so naturally cut out to be a mother. Sometimes it’s surprising to me that she only had the two boys but then I think about how only having two kids gave her and Ken the chance to take Ares and Roman’s friends under their wing when it was needed.
When my mom was on one of her trips as a flight attendant, I always had a second home to be at. Maybe things wouldn’t have been that way if they had a house full of kids. I can’t get too caught up in the thought because I don’t want to picture my life without a spot for me in their family.
I will myself to get out of bed despite being exhausted. Since the night we talked, Roman and I have been the last ones to bed. Sometimes talking, sometimes swimming, but always having fun. Tonight is the last night here before we head home tomorrow.
I consider taking off Roman’s hoodie to not ring any alarm bells for Ares or his parents but there’s nothing to hide. Everyone knows we’ve been the last ones to bed the whole weekend and on top of that we agreed to only being friends so there’s nothing suspicious going on. At least that’s what I tell myself. So I decide to keep the hoodie I’ve been sleeping in every night and throw on a pair of shorts before heading out to breakfast.
I get to the dining room and everyone is already at the table but Roman. I hear footsteps behind me and I turn to see Roman coming out to breakfast. On second thought, maybe I should have ditched the hoodie because this looks bad. I walk over and take the empty seat next to Ravyn and he takes a seat between Ares and his mom. Maybe no one will notice. Even better, maybe no one will care. My phone buzzes in the hoodie pocket. I pull it out to check it and it’s a text from Roman.
Roman
You look cute in my hoodie with bedhead
Audra
You tell all your friends they look cute in your hoodie with bedhead?
Roman
Only the ones I’ve kissed.
Audra
No compliments for Beck? Some friend you are.
Roman
I never said Beck wasn’t one of them.
I bite back a laugh and Ares looks over at me with a confused look on his face.
“Who ya texting?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows. I should just be honest, and tell him it’s Roman. We’re just friends, there’s no reason to lie. Except it doesn’t feel like we’re just friends and it doesn’t feel like Ares will think we are if I tell him. So I dig my grave a little deeper and I lie.
“My mom, weirdo.” I laugh, waving him off. He hums in response like he doesn’t quite believe me. It could be in my head though, considering I keep adding on more guilt for things I’m keeping from him. It isn’t even that I don’t think he could handle it, it’s just that I don’t want to make a commotion until there is something to tell.
“So what are we doing for the last day here?” Roman asks, cutting the tension. Allison perks up to speak.
“We figured for the last day here we might just spend a full day out on the beach. We packed a cooler full of snacks and water. Then I was thinking tonight we’d have a fire and we’d head out early tomorrow morning.” She rattles off the whole plan which is so like her, to have the entire day mapped out in her head. We all nod and agree to the plan set out for the day. The lake house is right on the water but there is no beach access here so to swim we have to take the cooler and go around the other side of the lake for the day. Here at the house it’s just a dock with a pavilion at the end for fishing.
“Boys, I’ll need your help lugging the cooler and the pop up tent down there,” Ken instructs and the boys nod along.
“Girls, we’ll carry towels and lighter things, okay?” Allison asks. I nod and Ravyn nods as well but she looks a lot less willing to carry things.
As soon as we finish breakfast, we grab all of our things and haul them around to the beach side of the lake. As usual Ravyn and Ares mess around too much the entire walk there and she almost drops everything she’s carrying. I walk a bit behind everyone.
The feeling of being on the outside of something I used to be on the inside of, has lessened but it’s still there, breathing down my neck sometimes. Usually times like this where I’m watching them mess around instead of being involved. Sometimes it feels like I missed too much to ever slide back into my spot with them. I try not to let that thought eat at me too much though. I can admit it has gotten easier since we’ve started hanging out more.
We get things all set up on the beach and Ares wastes no time throwing Ravyn over his shoulder and running into the water with her. She screams and flails the whole way there until finally she’s silenced with a splash and they both go under. I smile to myself watching them. I try to ignore the gnawing feeling of being left out in my gut. I pull the t-shirt up over my head leaving me in just my bikini. I walk down to the water and the moment my feet make contact, I pull back.
“Not scared of the lake, are you?” Roman laughs from behind me. I give a dry fake laugh.
“Very funny. It’s just cold,” I say rolling my eyes. All of a sudden I feel Roman’s arms wrap me, one around my back and the other around my thighs.
“Put me down!” I squeal, trying to squirm out of his grip. He’s carrying me bridal style and rushing into the water, taking me with him.
“Not a chance, pretty girl,” he says, shaking his head. “You looked a little left out back there,” he says. It’s so sweet of him to notice but I don’t get a chance to think much about it before he falls forward taking us both underwater. Cold water covers my entire body. He never lets me go though. Strong arms still hold me tight as he pulls us both out of the water. I suck in a breath as I’m put back in the air. He shakes the water out of his curls and looks down at me.
I wiggle out of his grip and stand in front of him. For a moment we are standing there looking at each other and it reminds me of our kiss in the ocean. I don’t let myself get too caught up in the thought though. Partially because we’re at a public lake with his family and my best friends. Also because it isn’t fair to Roman for me to push him away for kissing me and then keep daydreaming about doing it again.
“Audi! You’re in!” Ravyn yells out to me and runs through the knee deep water to make it over to me. Just like that the moment is dead between Roman and me. Ravyn comes barreling at me and tackles me into the water. I go under for the second time in just a couple of minutes but this time it’s unexpected and I come back up, coughing up water.
“What the hell?” I cough out. She just laughs and pulls my hand to take me away from Roman and over to Ares. I look back at him before digging my heels in to stop.
“Hang out with us,” I call out to him. Ravyn and Roman both look at me with confused looks on their faces. Roman never hangs out with us. It’s always us three and then Roman or Roman and Beck. That’s how things have always been. Things are different now though. Roman has been a great friend to me, I don’t even know how I would have survived these last few months without him. They’re brothers and I’ve spent the better part of my life around both of them even if Roman and I never really had a relationship before. It doesn’t seem crazy to me that we could all just hang out.
“Bold move.” Ravyn leans over and whispers in my ear.
“Shut up,” I whisper back at her with a glare. We are just friends, there’s nothing bold about inviting my new friend to hang out with my long time friends. Even if it is Ares’ brother.
“Yeah sure.” He nods, not looking sure about it at all. I know deep down that there’s a good chance he only agreed because it was me who asked.
We spend the entire day having fun and playing games in and out of the water. Roman fits seamlessly in with us and I let myself imagine how nice it could be for it to be all of us all the time. We never made a conscious effort to leave Roman out. Ares just had his friends and Roman had his. Now I bridge that gap and I’m hoping we can do this more often.
Right then, I realize why I’m daydreaming about bridging that gap. This is more than a friendship with Roman. It has been the whole time but I can’t ignore it now. Still I’m scared of what it says about me if I let myself have this, have him .
I can’t shake the feeling that by moving on this fast I’m proving Tyler right. That all the things he thinks and says about me would be true if I moved on so soon. Even worse, I worry that everyone else will feel the same way. I feel like I owe it to myself to prove I’m not really the things he’s said about me. That I didn’t deserve the things he did and said. I know it’s fucked up but I feel like if I start hooking up with Roman, who I’ve known for years right after the relationship, it means I deserved what happened.
Sometimes it feels like the universe is against me. Some kind of sick cosmic joke that as soon as I get out of an abusive relationship where I was unhappy and had very little freedom, that I would find someone so perfect for me but have it be the wrong timing. It feels like everyone gets their shot at being happy and I always miss mine by seconds.
It’s why I left the beach the night Roman kissed me. It was stupid and it was unfair but it felt like the only choice I had. So I called Ravyn and asked her to pick me up. Nothing has ever felt more right than kissing Roman. I even think he might have felt the same. But to take him down with me? To have everyone pointing and laughing at the girl who got abused but was asking for it by sneaking around with her best friend’s brother the entire time.
It’s not true. I wasn’t disloyal to Tyler even once, even when things were at their worst. I know how it looks though, I know what people will think. Worst of all, I know what Tyler would think and what he might do with that scares the hell out of me. Partially for me but also for Roman. I don’t want to take anyone down with me. I sealed my fate with Tyler but I don’t have to involve anyone else. I want to be happy. I want to be happy with Roman. I’m just scared of what danger that will put us both in.
I sit on the edge of the water watching, lost in my own thoughts. Everyone is having fun and it’s the most normal I’ve felt in a long time. Yet, I still find myself stuck in moments like this where I can’t focus on anything going on around me because I’m so wrapped up in my thoughts about everything that happened that got me here. Roman drops himself next to me at the shore of the lake.
“You look like you need out of your head,” he says pushing his arm into mine, nudging my body. I snap out of my thoughts and look over at him.
“Don’t I always?” I huff a sarcastic laugh. He flashes me a sympathetic smile.
“You’re doing really well, you know?” he says. I just squint at him in confusion.
“At what?” I scoff. I don’t feel like I’m doing well at much of anything lately.
“Everything.” He shrugs. “Having fun with your old friends. Even having fun with your new friend,” he says, pointing to himself. “Keeping it together, just everything. You’re kind of amazing. Anyone ever told you that?” He talks softly over his shoulder. The words leave my mind buzzing. Tears prickle at my eyes and dare to fall but I blink them away. The words are so kind and so perfectly what I needed to hear, I’m nearly speechless.
“I don’t know about all of that.” I shrug it off like it’s no big deal. It is a big deal though, it’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. It’s exactly what I needed to hear and I know that he knows it. I don’t know how he knows me so well but he does. He might know me better than anyone else, which I’ll never understand.
“Go hang out with them. I have plans for you later,” he says. Hesitantly, I nod in agreement. I want to tell him to come with me or to let me stay with him. I don’t though, I just listen and go over to the picnic table that Ravyn and Ares are sitting at. I figure I already made Roman and Ares spend over half of the day together. I can put them out of their misery now. I squeeze myself between them despite the fact there is a big open spot on the opposite side of the table.
“Excuse me, sorry!” I announce obnoxiously. They both scooch over a couple of inches and roll their eyes jokingly.
“Done listening to my brother talk about surf stories?” Ares laughs. Somehow given everything we had been through these last few months, I forgot that’s how we thought of him. It was all jokes about him only caring about surfing and bringing girls home. The memory of all the jokes of Roman sleeping with tons of women stings a little. It shouldn’t. Not when I told him we could only be friends.
The weird thing is he had hardly mentioned surfing to me at all. A pang of guilt flashes in my chest at what we had once reduced Roman to before I really got to know him. I wonder momentarily if that’s actually what Ares thinks of his own brother but I don’t ask.
“Yeah.” I let out a dry laugh, one that kills the conversation immediately. I don’t find humor in it but I don’t have the backbone to tell Ares not to say it. There’s a couple beats of awkward silence before we fall back into comfortable conversation and once again the name Kat comes up. For a moment, I let the same feeling of being left out set in before I remember Roman’s words. I remember him telling me how well I was doing. It empowers me to keep the streak going so for the first time instead of being left out I just ask.
“Who’s Kat?” I cut in. I’m surprised at my own words but proud of myself.
“Oh! I didn’t even think about you not knowing her, Audi. You should have asked sooner.” Ares turns to me with a sympathetic smile. Just like that the sting is gone. It was all just an oversight. Ares assumed I knew and I was wallowing in self pity instead of just asking.
“Her name is Katrina. She’s this absolute bombshell that Ares goes to school with. He’s obsessed with her,” Ravyn explains. For the first time it feels like I’m on the inside again. Ares’ face goes a shade of red I’ve never seen before. I raise my brows at him.
“Oh, you have it so bad for her.” I laugh at him. He holds up two middle fingers. One facing me, one facing Ravyn. We burst out laughing at him and he hides his face.
“I am not obsessed with her,” he groans. As we’re laughing at him it clicks.
“Katrina and Kat are the same person!” I exclaim. “She’s the girl that was with Roman at the party. She told you he took me home,” I point out.
“Yep. That’s Kat.” Ares nods his head.
“She is a bombshell. I remember seeing her and thinking how pretty she was,” I say, nodding to myself. “And overdressed. Why was she so overdressed?” I ask. Ravyn and Ares share a knowing laugh.
“That’s just Kat. Everywhere she goes.” Ravyn shrugs her shoulders.
“So what’s the deal with you two then?” I ask, directing my attention to Ares, wiggling my brows at him.
“We go to school together. We’re just friends. Although I’m bound and determined to change that.” He shoots me a wink. I laugh.
“He left out the part where there’s no way in hell,” Ravyn cuts in.
“Wow, Ray, no faith at all?” he says, clutching a hand to his chest in a dramatic gesture of fake offense. She snorts in response.
“She told him she doesn’t date. Like at all. Something about a strict plan and he isn’t part of it,” she says, directing her attention to me, ignoring a whining Ares beside us. Finally I feel like I’ve been let in on the story. Like I’m no longer an outsider in a friendship I’ve always been an insider of.
We sit around the picnic table poking jokes at Ares and everything else. We eat the sandwiches we packed and pass the time. As the sun starts to set we start drinking and slowly but surely people leave the lake. By the time it’s dark it’s just me, Ares, Roman, Ravyn, and Ares’ parents. We light a fire and sit around it in our fold up chairs. It doesn’t take long after dark for their parents to go back to the house to go to bed.
We spend hours hanging out and laughing. Roman and Ares interact more than normal which is nice to see. Once again I let myself get swept up in the idea of how wonderful it would be to have this all the time. To be able to spend time with them all together like this. I daydream about what it would be like to be with Roman and for everyone to know. No secrets, just me and him and all of our friends and family. Alas, all it is, is a dream. It’s not realistic to think we could really be together right now. It’s not realistic to think even if we were together that that Ares would take it well.
I know I shouldn’t be thinking about being with anyone right now. I can’t help feeling like I’d be passing up a good thing. A great thing even. But after everything with Tyler though, I’m not sure I even trust my perception of a great thing. I mean at one point that seemed like a good idea. He seemed like someone who would treat me right and make me happy. I know people in abusive relationships don’t pick out abusive partners. We picked out people who checked certain boxes and made us smile and laugh. We picked people who love bombed us into thinking we found the loves of our lives. Now I don’t know that I can or will believe myself when I find it for real.
Finally Ravyn stands up and announces she’s going back to the house, Ares stands up right after her.
“I’ll head back too. You guys coming?” he asks, nodding his head in the direction of Roman and me.
“I’m not really tired. I think I’ll hang out a while.” Roman shrugs. I’m acutely aware of the fact I should follow them back to the house but I don’t. Once again I choose to stay up far too late to hang out Roman.
“I’ll stay with him.” Ares and Ravyn nod their heads and start grabbing a few of the remaining things that Allison and Ken didn’t already take back to the house. All that’s left when they leave is me, Roman, and the big towel we have next to the fire. There is a comfort in the air every time I’m left alone with Roman.
“What are we going to do?” Roman asks, leaning back on his elbows. His attention lands on me and holds me there. There is nothing more grounding than his presence and I don’t quite know why. All I know is there’s nothing better for my sanity than sitting with him in a comfortable silence or even answering his million questions.
“We’re getting in, duh,” I tease, getting up and jogging to the water. I hear him run up behind me, wrapping his arms around me and picking me up off the ground. He runs into the water with me before throwing his body backwards taking me under the water with him. When we both stand up I give him a whack on the arm.
“Really?” I ask, laughing.
“You said we were getting in.” He shrugs like that was the obvious answer. I shake my head in fake disappointment before jumping on his back and tackling him back into the water. When we resurface for air we are both laughing loudly. All you can hear at the lake is splashing water and the sound of us laughing. We spend a long time—too long really—messing around, splashing each other, and pushing each other into the water. It’s stupid, it’s childish, but it’s fun.
It’s hard to ignore how I feel. The more time we spend together the more I feel like there’s something there that needs to be explored. Like I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t find out what there could be between us. There is so much fear in letting things go there given the circumstances but I think there’s just as much fear in never finding out.
“I want a redo,” I blurt out, standing in front of Roman. Confusion twists in his features.
“Redo? Of what?” he asks.
“The kiss. I want a redo,” I elaborate, stepping closer to him. We are standing so close to the way we were the night we kissed I feel like I’m taken back to that night. Every cell in my body is buzzing with anticipation. Until his face drops and he takes a step back. Rejection takes its place.
“I don’t know, Auds.”
“I’m not going to run this time. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself if I don’t explore whatever this is with you,” I admit. His gaze softens but still, there is hesitance there.
“I don’t know if I can stomach that outcome twice.”
“You won’t have to. I’m sure it’s what I want. I want to see where things go. I’m not running anymore,” I assure him. Stepping back into his space. I’m absolutely sure that if he steps back this time, I won’t try again. This is it. He doesn’t though. He takes that last step, closing the gap between us.
“You’re sure?” he asks, leaning down. My heart is racing and burning in my chest. Chocolate eyes swarm mine and I feel like I could die. All I can do is nod.
For the second time, Roman wraps a gentle hand around the back of my neck and brings his lips to mine. It’s just as exhilarating as the first time. Except this time there is no wave of doubt afterwards that leaves me running.
This time with every passing second I want it more. I never want the kiss to end. It’s gentle, it’s hot, and it’s perfect. I lace my fingers into the loose curls of his hair, holding his mouth to mine. His tongue swipes at my lip and without question I let him in. There is no battle for dominance, it’s all his. I’m all his.
His hands snake down my body and one cups a hand full of my ass. The other hooks under my knee and yanks me up to wrap my legs around his waist. His fingers bite at the skin on my hips, holding me to him. I can feel him hardening under me and I can’t help but rock slightly, searching for friction. A breathy moan slips from my lips. Roman pulls away from the kiss and presses his forehead to mine.
“You taste like heaven, Audra,” he whispers, catching his breath. A smile fights at the corners of my mouth. I’m at a loss for words. If the first kiss was fireworks, this one is rockets. It feels like there is magic filling the air around us. I might be floating. “What are you thinking?” he asks, pulling me from my own head.
“That it felt like magic,” I admit. He tries and fails to bite back the smile that spreads ear to ear.
“So no running?” he asks.
“No running,” I confirm, standing on my tip toes and planting another kiss on his lips.