15. Audra
Chapter 15
Audra
After getting home from the lake this morning I spent my day in equal parts, unpacking, reeling from our kiss last night, and texting Roman non-stop. It’s scary to have hope. Hope for what this could be. I don’t know what scares me more, the possibility that this doesn’t work out, or the possibility that it does.
Guilt still nips at my heels over and over. Guilt that maybe I’m letting this happen too soon. The guilt that I’m once again keeping a piece of my life from my friends and family. I tell myself it’s different because this isn’t a lie that harms me or them but I don’t know if I buy it. I shove the feeling down under the decision that I deserve this.
I throw on a pair of athletic shorts and one of my million hoodies. Roman told me to be ready to be picked up at 7:00pm and it’s currently 6:53pm. I have no idea what he has planned or where he’s taking me. All he told me was that after spending the weekend at the lake house with his family, he wanted me to himself tonight. I do a last touch up to my make up and wait by the door like a teenager. When I finally see headlights I yell a goodbye to my mom and head out to his car. I climb in and he’s looking at me with a smile that could light up the entire northern hemisphere.
“Hi, pretty girl,” he says, leaning across the center console and planting a kiss on my cheek. Warmth spreads across my cheeks as if I wasn’t grinding on him last night in the lake. Every moment with Roman feels like I’m transported back to high school. Crushes and relationships only ever feel like this in high school. Butterflies felt like something of the past, something I’d never feel again, yet here I am. All because he called me pretty girl and kissed my stupid cheek.
“Hi,” I say, clicking my seat belt into place. “What are we getting into tonight?” I ask.
“Taking you out to stargaze. Something tells me you’ll love it.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal. Like he didn’t just plan the nicest date I’ve been on. The only real date I’ve ever been on. Tears well in my eyes even though I know he doesn’t know any backstory to this. I know to him it’s just a nice place to take a girl he likes. He doesn’t know that before we moved here looking at the stars was always how my Aunt Vera took my mind off of missing my mom when she was on her work trips. There isn’t much that I feel like I left behind in Idaho but Aunt Vera I miss all too much. She visits every other year or so but it’s never enough.
“Looking at the stars really is special,” I gush, thinking about all the memories I have including the stars.
“You okay? You look like you might cry,” Roman asks. I nod my head wiping the single tear that escaped my eye.
“I’m okay. Just did a lot of star gazing back in Idaho before we moved here. I miss it sometimes.” He is driving now but still listening to every word I’m saying. The AC is blowing softly through my hair but he leaves the radio off to listen to what I have to say.
“Idaho?” he questions. There isn’t judgment though like there usually is when someone is asking me if I miss it. Normally people ask me like I’d be stupid to miss it. While it isn’t the place that I find myself missing, it still holds a place in my heart.
“No. The family we left there,” I say with a sigh.
“You left family out there? I always just assumed it was always just you and your mom?” he asks. I can’t remember the last time someone cared this much about what my life was like before moving to Doves Harbor. Of course Ares and Ravyn care but they’ve known all of this for years. It isn’t often I get the chance to talk about it.
“Yeah we have some family out there. I miss my Aunt Vera the most though. She’s my dad’s sister.” I consider leaving the last part out. It seems soon to get into the dad story but then again it’s Roman. So I don’t, even though I know he’ll ask.
“Your dad?” he asks, glancing at me for a moment before averting attention back to the road.
“Yep. My dad.” I nod.
“I didn’t know he was around. You never talk about him,” he explains and really, he didn’t need to. I knew that. I know people assume I don’t know my dad or sometimes they even assume I don’t have one or that he’s dead. Full transparency, it wouldn’t make much difference either way.
“He’s not around. When we lived back in Idaho he was barely around then, really just enough that I knew who he was. I saw him maybe once a year and heard from him on my birthday.” I let out a dry laugh. “Sometimes it was three days after my birthday. All of that to say he didn’t have any reservations about me and mom moving away. He isn’t someone I miss. His family was still good to me though.” The admission feels too real, too much. Like maybe I should have left it at something simple. How do you even make that simple? Surely the first date is too soon for daddy issues. Fuck.
“So then your aunt, she was around a lot?” he asks.
“Yeah. His family was a lot more interested in me than he was. Aunt Vera stayed with me when my mom took her trips. When I was younger it upset me that she was gone so much but now that I’m an adult too I get it. My dad didn’t leave her much choice, she had to do something that paid well enough to take care of us.”
I don’t know what it is about him that convinces me to tell him everything. I don’t hold a single thing back. Maybe it’s because he’s seen me at my worst and didn’t show a single sign of judgment, all he did was help me. Maybe it’s because even before we were friends he asked me a million questions and I’m just used to sharing with him. All I know for sure is there is no one else in the world I’m this comfortable sharing everything with.
“It’s okay to wish you had more time with her and understand why you didn’t,” he assures me and the words smack me in the face. I had never thought of it like that. It feels like a band-aid is placed on a wound I didn’t know I had.
The entire drive we make conversation about my life before I moved here. A warmth wraps around my heart getting the chance to talk about my hometown and all the people who I left there. He takes all the information in and asks me questions about everyone.
After about 45 minutes we finally pull up to a beach and I wonder why he drove this far to a beach when we live five minutes from one. As always, he comes around the front of the car and opens my door to let me out. I jump down to the ground and he takes my hand in his. Our fingers interlock and his thumb swipes twice gently across the top of my hand. I don’t question anything, I just let him lead me wherever he wants me. Once again, I’m left feeling like the part of my brain that eats at me all day goes quiet when he’s around. I don’t have to give a second thought to my safety or surroundings because I know he won’t let anything happen. I follow mindlessly beside him as he leads us to the beach.
“Stars are better down here,” he says, looking up at the sky then down at me. “And I thought you might like being out of Doves Harbor for a little while.” There’s an unspoken piece of that, that I might like to be out of there because of Tyler. Neither of us acknowledge it though. It’s true though. I’m happy to be somewhere that I know I don’t have eyes on me.
“Wondered why you drove 45 minutes to a beach when we live right by one,” I say, laughing.
He pulls his hand from mine and pulls a folded blanket from under his arm. He shakes it out and lays it flat on the sand for us to lay on. I crawl down onto the blanket, leaving my sandals in the sand next to it. He lays on the blanket beside me and folds his arms behind his head looking up at the sky. I let myself lie there for a moment just looking at him.
“Not going to see many stars just looking at me,” he says, turning his head to look at me.
“The stars aren’t going anywhere,” I say shrugging him off.
“Neither am I.” I fight back the urge to argue the words and I just inch my way to his side of the blanket and tuck my head into his shoulder, looking up at the sky with him. A strong arm wraps around me and holds me close to him. It’s warm outside because it always is this time of year in Doves Harbor but the breeze coming off the ocean is cool. We lay there in a comfortable silence for a while just pointing out different stars and constellations. I go on and on about the stories behind different constellations and he just listens.
“Favorite song?” he asks, still looking up at the sky. I think for a moment about what song could be considered my favorite. More than that, I think about why he’s always the one who gets to ask the questions.
“You always get to ask the questions.” I huff, flipping on my side to face him. “My turn,” I state, booping his nose. He raises a brow at me.
“Do your worst,” he says with a lazy lift of the shoulder and a cocky smile.
“Biggest fear?” I ask, sitting up to get a better view of his face. He thinks for a moment before speaking.
“Not starting me off easy, I see.” He laughs. “Probably something happening to Ares. Guess it just comes naturally with being an older brother. I can’t think of anything worse than finding out something happened to him.” My heart warms at the thought of him being that protective over my best friend. Knowing that there’s someone out there that cares that much about his safety. The cherry on top is that it’s him, it’s Roman.
“Closer with your mom or dad?” I ask. I have a feeling I know the answer but I don’t assume. I let him answer.
“You’ve met them, you should know I’m closer with mom.” It’s the answer I suspected but confirmation of it still feels like learning him.
“Worst memory?” I ask and immediately his breathing halts like I’ve stunned him. I regret asking as soon as I see his reaction. “You don’t have to answer that. I don’t know why I asked,” I blurt out.
“The night at the fair. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to find you and I didn’t know what condition you’d be in when I did. When I saw you standing by the lake with him I felt sick to my stomach,” he confesses and I have to swallow the lump in my throat. I bite the inside of my cheek begging my body not to cry.
“I’m sorry you got dragged into all of that,” I say and it comes out whinier than I want it to. I drop my head back on his shoulder, hiding my face in the crook of his shoulder.
“Don’t be. My best memories are with you too,” he says, pulling his arm from under me so he can see me.
“You’re just saying that,” I say nudging his arm.
“I’m really not, Auds. You don’t think last night is one of my best memories? You’ve really got no idea how long I’ve been into you, do you?”
“You said a while.”
“Years. Try middle school,” he says and now I’m stunned. The conversations in high school. He was into me then. He’s been into me the entire time he’s known me and it didn’t scare him away when I showed up on his porch crying. He’s been into me for years and I didn’t give him the time of day until recently. Guilt pangs in my chest because if I had known, things could have been different. We could have had this sooner.
“Middle school?” is all I can stutter out of my spinning mind.
“Yeah, like the first time Ares brought you home,” he says like it’s no big deal but it feels like a big fucking deal to me.
“That can’t be tr—” He cuts me off.
“You were wearing a pink sundress with white flowers on it and had a matching bow in your hair. You had an aquarium themed book bag and you shook my hand and introduced yourself,” he says in a matter-of-fact way that tells me he’s sure. I think back to the first time I went to Ares’ house and what I would have been wearing, I remember shaking the hands of every person in the house— Holy fuck he’s right.
“Oh my God! Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I exclaim, whacking his arm.
“C’mon, Auds, it wouldn’t have made a difference,” he says like he knows it to be true but I think he might be wrong. I was always aware of how hot Ares’ older brother was. At the time that’s all he was though. He’s so much more to me now and I think he could have been then too. Out of respect for Ares I never put him on my radar despite always being attracted to him. It felt like the only logical thing to do. Roman was always in a completely different group than us and in high school things like that matter. I think if I had known how Roman felt, it would have changed things. I wouldn’t have been able to tell myself there wasn’t a chance.
“If I had known, I think things could have been different,” I admit, turning my attention back to the stars. Out of the corner of my eye I can see his gaze linger on me for a few seconds before following suit and dragging them to the sky. He doesn’t say anything and I wonder if he doesn’t believe me or if he, like me, is playing with the idea of what that could have looked like. I break the silence though with another question. One that probably should be left as an inside thought. “If you were into me the entire time why did you always have girls in and out of your room?”
“I never intended on being stuck on the same girl for most of middle and all of high school. I kept trying to—I don’t know—fuck you out of my system? Or maybe even find a nice girl and date her. It never worked though,” he says with a sigh. “No matter who or what I did, my mind always circled back to you. They weren’t you, no one is. No one else does it for me,” he says with a shrug and it might be the single most attractive thing a person has ever said to me. So I do the only thing I can think to in that moment and I lean up and kiss him.
The arm he has wrapped around me pulls me on top of him. Our kisses before were hot and needy but this one is slow and passionate. His hand slides up the curve of my back and tangles in the back of my hair. I let out a soft sigh at the feeling. He pulls away from the kiss and leaves a trail of smaller ones from one side of my jaw to the other.
“You’re goddamn addicting.” He groans lowly in my ear before kissing a trail back to my mouth. All I can do is smile. A cheek splitting, muscle aching, smile.
“What’s your version of The Dream?” I ask. “You know, the life you daydream about having one day,” I add, making sure he knows what I’m asking. I think a piece of me is trying to find the reason this won’t work so I don’t get the chance to be the one to fuck it up. The bigger part of me though wants to hear that he wants everything I want so we can have it together. Still, that small piece gnaws at me.
“Mmm, big question,” he says with a laugh before thinking on it. He sits there quietly twiddling with the ends of my hair. “Long term?” he asks.
“Yeah. Long term,” I confirm.
“I want the shop to still be doing well and hopefully still making the amount of money I am now. I guess outside of that I want what everybody wants. I want a house in Doves Harbor, I’ve always loved it here. I want a wife and a family. What about you?” It’s perfect. It’s everything I’ve dreamed of and it scares the shit out of me. It never seemed within reach but now that it is, it scares me. I used to be so sure about everything I wanted but now I’m not sure I trust my decisions anymore. I don’t know that I’m fit to decide what the rest of my life should look like.
“I don’t know. I used to know but now—” I search for the words. “I don’t know. Everything changed and what if I don’t fit into that anymore.” The words all come out fast and panicked. I suck in a deep breath before spewing some more. “I don’t even know if I should be allowed to make decisions about my future. I mean look at the kind of decisions I’ve made with relationships.” I huff a sound somewhere between a scoff and a dry laugh.
“Is that what this is about? Thinking that Tyler was a reflection of your decision making?” he asks and concern pinches his brows together. All I can offer is a half-hearted shrug of my shoulders. I can’t even look him in the eye. “Auds. C’mon. That isn’t true. People like that… They play with your head. It’s not your fault that his manipulation worked. That doesn’t reflect on you as a person, I promise.”
“I don’t know. I used to want all of those things. I just feel really unsure of everything lately.” I sigh
“We’ll take it one day at a time then,” he says planting a kiss on my temple.