19. Audra
Chapter 19
Audra
“So are you going to tell me what the deal is with you and Roman?” Ravyn asks. She has her serious face on. It’s almost intimidating enough to convince me to spill everything. Then I consider how Ares would feel if everyone knew before him, and for that reason, I don’t.
“There’s nothing to tell that you don’t already know. We’ve been hanging out, he kissed me, I freaked, and now we’re back to being just friends.” I shrug her off but the words taste sour in my mouth. I don’t know what feels worse. Lying to Ravyn or downplaying what I have with Roman. Both feel dead wrong and I feel half sick over it.
“Sure, if that’s the story you want to stick with,” she says with an unimpressed laugh.
“It’s not a story, Ray. We’re just friends,” I groan, doubling down on my lie.
“You might be able to convince Ares, but you know I’m too smart for this,” she counters. She’s right, I know she is. I know she isn’t asking because she has some hunch. She’s asking because she knows. Still, confirming what she thinks she knows would make Ares the one out of the loop.
I’m not ready for anyone to know yet. I need to know this is right first. The only thing worse than being so wrong about my last relationship would be getting it wrong twice, back to back. It’s stupid of me to even be doing this, I should be healing first before I even think about any of this. Instead, I’m high off of kisses in the ocean and letting myself free fall.
“There’s nothing to convince. It’s just the truth.” All she gives as a response is a low disinterested hum. I know after what happened the last thing I should be doing is hiding things from my best friends. I know it isn’t right. But neither is telling everyone about something before I even know what there is to tell. There’s no right answer.
“I should probably get going,” I say, gesturing to the door.
“Audi, you don’t have to leave,” she says. Her face softens, I can tell she feels bad.
“No, it’s okay. I needed to get going anyway,” I assure her. It isn’t true though. The truth is, I can’t sit with the guilt of hiding it from her and I can’t sit with the judgment either. We say our goodbyes and even share an uncomfortable hug before I walk out the door.
As I walk out to my car, I notice there’s a red truck, one like Tyler’s, in the driveway next door. Adrenaline spikes in my veins but I take deep breaths and remind myself there are a million red trucks in South Carolina. Just because there is a red truck doesn’t mean he’s watching you. Except, I wouldn’t know because he has been watching me.
With shaking hands, I open up the door to my car and climb in. I consider pulling out my phone and calling someone or running back into Ravyn’s house but it’s just a red truck. I start the car and pull out of the driveway onto the road. As I reach the end of the street, the red truck pulls out of the driveway and turns in the same direction, following a couple of car lengths behind me. Shit. Shit. Shit.
It could still be a coincidence, right?
I turn onto the main road going toward my house and the red truck turns too. My heart sinks in my chest and leaves a burning sensation behind it. I reach for my phone and my hands shake so heavily, I almost can’t hold on to it. I dial Roman’s phone number and set the phone down, leaving it on speaker. After a couple of rings he finally picks up the phone.
“Hey, Auds. Have fun at Ravyn’s?” he asks. The sound of his voice is enough comfort to let me fully fall apart. I let out a loud cry before speaking.
“I think someone is following me,” I choke out.
“What? Who’s following you?”
“I… I don’t know.” I suck in a harsh breath. “I think it might be Tyler. I just don’t know. It’s the same truck that he has but I can’t see.”
“Where are you?” he barks out. I can hear him grab his keys in the background.
“I’m on Turtle Crossing Boulevard. By the shop.”
“Go to the shop. Beck is there. I’ll meet you there.”
“Please don’t hang up,” I cry into the phone.
“I won’t hang up until you’re with Beck,” he assures me. I nod.
We sit in uncomfortable silence. The only sounds are me crying and him driving. Some relief washes over me knowing that Beck will be there waiting for me. But for every ounce of relief, there are equal parts guilt and fear. Fear for every mile the red truck stays behind me and guilt for involving another person. I turn into the shop parking lot. I don’t even find a parking spot, I just throw my car in park and stop in the middle of the lot.
“I’m here. Beck is outside,” I say into the phone before rushing out of my car. Despite meeting him only a handful of times, I run into Beck’s arms.
And despite him hardly knowing me, he’s there waiting with open arms when I do. The red truck slows to the parking lot with it’s blinker on to turn in. I make eye contact with Tyler through the window of his truck, and I feel like I could puke. When he sees Beck, he turns his blinker off and keeps going. I turn back to Beck, and he hugs me again.
“You okay?” Beck asks. Normally, I’d lie. I’d downplay it, say I’m alright. I might even lie and say it turns out it wasn’t him. I don’t this time though.
“No.” I admit, dropping my ass to the sidewalk in front of the shop and sitting down.
“Is Roman coming?”
“Yeah, he said he was coming.” Beck sits down next to me.
“That was my ex, Tyler. He uh… he was abusive when we were together,” I admit. It’s the first time I’ve told someone so casually what happened.
Tonight felt like a lesson. For the first time, it doesn’t feel like something to keep under wraps and tell as few people as possible. Tonight, I realized there is power and safety in community, and in numbers. The more people who know what happened, the more people I can call on when I’m not safe.
I might never be able to be one hundred percent rid of Tyler. I know now though that I’m only protecting him by shoving this under the rug.
“Does Roman know?” he asks.
“Yeah. He knows,” I confirm.
“How’d he take it?” Before I can answer, tires come screeching around the corner. It’s Roman in his Jeep. Much like me, he doesn’t bother with a parking spot. He just stops the Jeep and hops out, making his way over to me. I stand up from the sidewalk and run to him. Strong arms wrap around me and I let it all out. I sob into his chest. Black makeup stains the chest of his gray hoodie.
“You’re okay, baby. I’ve got you,” he says, voice vibrating against the top of my head. A strong hand holds me against his chest. I gasp for air over and over but it feels like it’s just out of reach. “Breathe with me. In through your nose. Out like a silent whistle through your mouth.” I breathe with him and slowly I feel like I’m brought back to reality. Back on my two feet.
“It was him, I saw him,” I cry out. “When he passed the parking lot. That means he was watching me at Ravyn’s,” I cry into his chest. A comforting hand strokes through my hair as I cry.
“You’re safe now,” he whispers against the top of my head.
“Can we go in?” I ask. Tipping my chin up to face him. He takes the sleeves of his hoodie and wipes the tears and make up from under my eyes.
“Yeah, let’s go in the shop. We can even lock up once we’re in if it’ll make you feel better,” he assures me. Beck walks in front of us, opening the doors and when we walk in he locks them behind us.
“So what’s the plan? Are we going to kick this kid’s ass or what?” Beck asks, turning to face Roman. A smile creeps up on my face.
“His family is always quick to get cops involved in shit, it’s not worth either of you going to jail.”
“So the guy who can’t keep his hands to himself likes to call the cops? That’s rich.” Beck scoffs. “If you change your mind about how you want this handled, just let me know. I don’t like weak little pieces of shit who think they’re tough ‘cause they can beat up women half their size,” he says and I get the feeling that this isn’t just about me. The way he talks about it gives me the impression that this might not be the first time Beck has dealt with a guy like Tyler.
“You told Beck?” Roman asks.
“Yeah. I felt like I wasn’t protecting anyone but him by keeping it a secret. The more people who know, the more people I can call on when things aren’t safe,” I admit. His eyes light up like a Christmas tree. You’d think I proposed the way his face lights up.
“Auds, I’m so fucking proud of you,” he exclaims. He grabs my shoulders, and holds me out at arms length just looking at me for a moment. “Holy shit. That’s such a big step for you,” he says, pulling me into his chest. Yeah, I guess it is.
“Hell yeah,” Beck chimes in, pulling us into what might be the most awkward group hug I’ve ever been a part of. Still it’s sweet and I know he means well. “If you ever need me, you can call. Roman’s the best friend I’ve ever had. He cares about you which means I care about you.” It’s weird that on a night that could be horrible, a night that someone might label as one of the worst of their life, I feel so filled with love. For the first time since I walked out of Tyler’s apartment, I genuinely feel like everything is going to be okay.
“How do you feel about a restraining order?” Roman asks and I can tell by his tone he’s scared to ask me. I don’t blame him, in the past I’ve had a habit of pushing him away when he tried to give me advice about Tyler.
“I’ve looked into it. You need proof for one. I have none.” I shrug.
“What about him following you? Can you report that and have the report for proof?” Beck asks.
“It would be my word against him unless the police cared enough to actually look into it and catch him themselves, which they won’t unless he hurts me.”
“So there is nothing the police will do to prevent you from being hurt? They’ll just maybe handle it if he does?” Roman pipes up, anger evident in his voice. All I can do is nod. Anyone who’s been in a similar situation knows how screwed up the laws are surrounding protecting women. They won’t protect you until something has happened and I guess you just have to hope that when it does, it isn’t fatal.
“Let me take you back to my place,” Roman suggests.
“I don’t know. What about Ares?” I counter. Next to us Beck’s eyes go big and he looks quickly from Roman, to me, then back to Roman.
“Oh shit!” he yells out. “You guys are sneaking around behind Ares’ back?” he asks. My knee jerk reaction is to tell him we’re not. That isn’t what’s going on. But it kinda is.
“We were waiting to see how things went between us before we went telling anyone who it might affect,” Roman says, taking some of the heat off of me.
“You totally got the girl, bro. Congrats,” Beck says, putting out a fist to fist bump but Roman just stares at it. My cheeks turn red hot.
“She’s right here, dip shit. Want to have this conversation any other time?” Roman says through gritted teeth. It brings a laugh out of me. When he looks at me and sees me laughing his face softens, like he can’t stay annoyed. So, I do him a favor and put him out of his misery.
“Yeah. He got the girl,” I say, nudging his arm with mine. He gives me a fake eye roll in return. “Anyway, what about Ares being there?” I ask again, considering we got sidetracked with Beck last time.
“He isn’t home. He’s on campus for something.”
“What about my car?”
“I’ll bring you by tomorrow before work to grab it,” he assures me.
“Okay. I’ll spend the night then. We should stop and get me clothes though,” I suggest. Roman laughs like I said something funny.
“Please, and miss you in my clothes? In your dreams.” He laughs again. Beck joins him in laughter.
“Not together my fucking ass,” he says under his breath and we all laugh.
* * *
The dim light of the lamp on Roman’s nightstand is the only light in the room. I’m lying on his chest, and he’s playing with my hair. I have the time now to get swept up in the what-ifs of it all. How many times Tyler had been watching me or following me that I didn’t notice. What his plan was if Beck hadn’t been at the shop. It all hurts to think about.
“What do you think he was going to do if Beck wasn’t there?” I ask so quietly that I almost wonder if he even heard me.
“I don’t know. I wish I had a better answer.” I wish he did too. I wish someone could tell me that everything was going to be okay and know it to be true. I wish I knew what he wanted from me or what he was planning. I don’t know though, it’s all a big unknown, and the unknown is scary.
It’s stupid really how safe I feel after all that. It doesn’t change how scary the what-ifs can be. Still, being around Roman brings me a peace I don’t get anywhere else. No matter how bad things get or how scary. When I’m with Roman my brain goes quiet. Even if it’s only temporary, it’s pure fucking bliss when the constant chaos of thoughts goes to a serene silence.
“I wish it could be like this all the time,” I say, tipping my chin to look at him.
“Like what?” he asks.
“Simple. You and me, being together. I feel like all the noise in my head goes quiet when I’m with you,” I admit. A soft smile spreads across his lips.
“It will be. Just give it time.” Roman places a soft kiss to the top of my head and we drift off to sleep.