21. Audra
Chapter 21
Audra
You know it’s going to be a long day of partying when you wake up to a beer bong in your face. Since we turned 18 it’s been a tradition to spend the night at Ares house on July 3rd to wake up here to get as many hours of partying in on the 4th. The sun is barely up and Ravyn is kneeling next to me holding the kink in the tube to keep the beer from pouring everywhere.
“Open up, buttercup,” she says lowering the tubing to my lips. I haven’t felt much like partying this summer but I’d never turn away from the fourth of July party. It’s the most fun day of the year at the Dawkins’ household. So without question I open up and I chug the cheap beer. Ares cheers me on from his bed. Out of the corner of my eye I can see the wet marks around the collar of his t-shirt which tells me he already had his.
“I think we should make Roman do it this year,” I say, wiping the droplets of beer running down the side of my mouth. Ravyn and Ares share a look before nodding and jumping up.
“I’ll do his,” Ares says, reaching for the bong. Ravyn hands it over with no hesitation. We stop by the kitchen to grab a new beer and get it ready before we take it to Roman’s room. Ares stands over his sleeping body and shoves him roughly.
“Drink up, shithead.” Roman’s eyes flutter open. Confusion and annoyance take over his face. He’s always been a part of the partying but he’s never been a part of this tradition. His eyes glance around the room landing on Ravyn and then me. When his eyes fall to me, I give him a sympathetic smile because this was my idea. As if he could read my mind that the idea was mine, he gives in. He lets out a dramatic sigh.
“Fuck it, why the hell not.” He shrugs. He pops up on his elbows and Ares lowers the tubing to his mouth. When he leans up on his elbows I can see he has no shirt on. It makes sense since he was asleep but it doesn’t stop my breath from catching in my throat.
Little drops of beer run down his chin and on to his bare chest. Surely this shouldn’t be a sight that does something for me. However I spend the next minute thinking of a way we can sneak off later. Not to mention the sick little voice in my head begging to lick it off of him.
“You need a bib? You sure are dribbling.” Ares laughs as he takes the last couple of gulps. When Roman swallows the last bit, he wipes his chin.
“Fuck off. Sorry I’m not experienced in bonging beers before I’m out of bed,” he grumbles, rolling out of bed.
“Is Beck coming?” Ares asks Roman.
“Yeah. He always comes for the 4th.”
We somehow manage to pace ourselves and stay buzzed but not cross the line into being trashed by sundown. Usually it’s Roman hanging out with Beck all day and then the three of us. For the first time, we spent most of the day all hanging out. I can’t ignore how much my relationship with Roman has brought him and Ares together. It feels good until the fear sets in of what it might do to their relationship when Ares finds out about us. I wonder if I should have just told him from the beginning but I didn’t know if there was anything to tell then. Now I know and now I feel like I’m digging a deeper hole every day.
All five of us stand at the kitchen counter lining shots up in front of us. Three shot glasses sitting in front of each one of us.
A red one that’s cherry vodka and grenadine. A white one that’s coconut rum and some cream based rum. Lastly, a blue one that’s straight UV blue.
We count back from three before we simultaneously take all three shots together. Think of a bomb pop but evil, that’s what it tastes like. It burns the whole way down and the whole kitchen erupts in groans as we reach frantically for our chasers. Except Ravyn of course who stands there proudly showing us her unfazed smile. Show off.
“Holy shit. Do you guys drink like this every year?” Roman asks, spitting in the sink. Seemingly in an attempt not to throw up.
“What? Can’t hang, pussy?” Ares taunts. Roman braces himself over the sink with one arm and holds the other up to give Ares the finger.
“I’m with Roman, you three drink like goddamn fish,” Beck chimes in, forcing a fake and quite dramatic gag.
From the kitchen you can hear the 80’s and 90’s music playing outside. We aren’t the only one’s who party here on the 4th. Allison and Ken have their friends over. Some years my mom even comes but this year she’s on another work trip. The adults are outside hanging out and we’re in here getting drunk. Since we turned 18 we haven’t had to hide it. Back when we were in school and teenagers though, we had to sneak drinks.
“Close to firework time, are we watching from the beach or from the pool deck?” Ares asks. Their house is oceanfront so some years we go down to the beach and some years we just watch from the pool.
“I’m feeling the pool this year. I even wore a bathing suit,” I say and Ravyn pulls her t-shirt up to show the same.
“I’m down with the pool.” Ares shrugs. Beck and Roman just nod.
We all make a mixed drink and head out to the pool with them. I pull the cropped t-shirt I’m wearing over my head and slide my jean shorts down my thighs before turning to everyone and showing my bathing suit off. I decided to commit to the cringe bit and wear one of those bikinis that is the American flag. Ravyn’s jaw hangs open as she fights a laugh. All three of the guys pull fists up to their mouths to keep from laughing.
“This is so disgusting. I love it!” she exclaims.
“Wow, Audi! That really is something,” Ares says with the fakest smile he can muster. I burst out laughing and once everyone can be sure it’s a joke, they start laughing too. I jump in the pool and everyone follows soon after. Ares’ parents and their friends are on deck above us listening to music and talking. I get a whiff of a smell I know all too well.
“Are they smoking weed up there?” I ask, turning to the group. Ares’ turns his nose up in the air, sniffing dramatically like a dog.
“Smells like it.” He pauses and turns to Roman. “Did you know mom and dad smoke?”
“Hell no. No way that’s them,” Roman says with a laugh.
“Okay. Who up there do you think is smoking then?” Ravyn asks. We all turn our attention to the deck above us.
“Has to be the guy with the leg tats,” I say confidently. Ares and Roman look at each other before bursting out laughing.
“That’s mom’s sister’s boyfriend. No way is Aunt Jenna letting him smoke weed. She’s so uptight,” Roman adds. Ares holds his cup up as to cheers to that before taking a drink. Right as I go to make my next guess we all watch as Allison takes the joint to her mouth and takes a hit. She blows the cloud of smoke out and we all stare with our mouths hung open. We all burst out in laughter and cheers and it catches the attention of everyone on the deck. Allison sees us looking up at her and her eyes go wide.
“Hell yeah, Mrs. Dawkins!” Ravyn calls up to her. Ares whacks her arm.
“You kids weren’t supposed to see that!” she yells back down to us.
“Nothing you haven’t caught all of us doing at some point,” Roman calls out to her as a means of support.
“We aren’t kids anymore anyway,” I offer. The universe puts Allison out of her misery and the first pops of the fireworks go off, dragging our attention from her to the opposite side of the pool where fireworks light up the sky. Glittering blues, reds, silvers, and a few other colors explode in the sky.
Everyone migrates over the edge of the pool that’s closest to the fireworks. I stay back a few feet, watching from behind everyone and when Roman notices, he meets me where I’m at.
We don’t say anything, we just share a look and a moment. He smiles at me so wide the skin at the corners of his eyes crinkles. The reflection of the fireworks glisten in the whites of his eyes. It’s nearly impossible not to reach for him and kiss him in front of everyone. It’s right then that I know, this isn’t something I want to hide. I don’t know how to go about fixing that yet. I know now that I need to though. I give his hand a squeeze and he gives me three in return.
I look to Roman one more time, smiling brightly at him before pulling my hand from his and ending the moment we shared. I shove myself between Ravyn and Ares along the edge of the pool. Roman takes his place next to Beck who almost certainly noticed us both hang back but doesn’t say a word about it.
Fireworks are one of those things you seemingly never grow out of. We’re all in our twenties and still we stand there mesmerized by the colorful sparkles in the sky. When the show is over we all go back to drinking and Ares and Ravyn smoking.
We’re all scattered around the pool deck, standing around in our bathing suits. I finally feel like my cup is full. Fitting in with my friends feels effortless for once. I don’t feel like I’m forcing myself into a life I don’t fit into anymore. I still feel like I’m a different person than I was before, but I’ve found my place in old spaces with my new self.
My attention is drawn to the stunning blonde who walks through the gate to meet us on the back patio. I know immediately that it’s Katrina by the white, sheer lace dress she wears over her bathing suit. She’s the only person who would show up to a 4th of July party where we’re swimming, in a dress and heels, with full curls in her hair. I can see why Ares is so infatuated with her. However, he failed to mention that he invited her. Not that he had to, it’s his house. It’s odd, though that he wouldn’t mention her coming.
“Kat!” he exclaims, walking over to her. “You came!” he says and he has a beaming smile to match the excitement in his voice.
“Well, you asked me about twenty times to come to your house, thought I might put you out of your misery and actually do it,” she says flashing him a sarcastic smile. In a flash, her face shifts into a real, genuine smile when she turns to address the rest of us.
“Hi everyone. Thanks for having me. I brought cherry pie, made it myself!” she says proudly, holding the pie out for Ares to take. The dynamic between Katrina and Ares isn’t something I really understand. He’s head over heels for her, and she seems to just barely like him. Yet, she’s still around. At parties and now even at his own house. She chooses to be around.
“First family party, Kat, this means you’re ready to be in love with me?” Ares asks, wiggling his eyebrows at her as he turns to take the pie inside.
“In your dreams, Dawkins,” she says with a dramatic eye roll. But then I catch it, just as he turns his back to her, the corner of her mouth tips up, and pink paints her cheeks. I don’t have the time or energy to try and figure out what it means or what is going on with those two. I will myself leave it be because it’s none of my business.
All of Ares’ attention is on Katrina and Ravyn is asleep in a lounger on the deck. So, I take the opportunity to see Roman. He’s sitting at a picnic table under the house with Beck. I walk over and take the seat next to him. Beck looks between us and then stands.
“Oh! I have to go water the sidewalk,” he says, gesturing a thumb over his shoulder and going to the front of the house. Subtle.
“Thank God he wasn’t obvious,” I say with a laugh. Roman peaks over my shoulder to make sure we’re alone before planting a kiss on the top of my head.
“This is hard.” He sighs.
“What is?” I place my head on my hand, giving him my full attention.
“Acting like you’re no more than a friend to me. You’re so much more than that. Every single day it gets harder to pretend that you’re just a friend,” he says, keeping his voice low to keep anyone from hearing. Guilt shoves its way into my chest.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s my fault we’re keeping this a secret. I’m just really scared of how it will affect things.”
“I know. You don’t need to be sorry. I understand why you want to hold off. I just really wish I could kiss you when I want to kiss you.” He leans toward me, peeking over my shoulder. A grin creeps up on my cheeks as I look around to be sure no one is around.
“You can kiss me now,” I say, leaning in, further closing the gap between us. He makes the final stride to close it and brings his lips to mine. The magic never wears off. The kiss feels like fireworks and doves being let free. I pull away and look around to be sure no one has come out. They haven’t though. We have somehow found a moment to ourselves in the middle of a 4th of July party. I know I have Katrina to thank for having Ares occupied.
When I finally go back to the pool deck, I find Ravyn is still asleep on the lounger in her swimsuit and Ares is gawking at Katrina while she talks to his mom.
The smile on Allison’s face tells me Katrina is as nice as she is pretty. Allison is the type of person who won’t even fake a smile for someone. If she doesn’t like you, you’ll know and so will everyone else.
A little voice in my head tells me Ares is too busy for me and that I should just go back out under the house with Roman. Then I consider the fact that the little voice might be the reason I feel like I don’t fit in. Because it’s always telling me to stand out, to stay back, or to stay away. So for once instead of listening, I go up to the top deck where Ares and Katrina are and push myself into the conversation. Partially because I feel like it’s what I should do but mostly because it’s what I would have done before all of this. I introduce myself formally to Katrina, and we spend the next couple of hours making fun of Ares together and laughing with whoever is around at the moment.
After all is said and done and everyone is in bed, I feel at peace and like my cup is overflowing with love. There were no ‘buts’ or ‘ifs’ about it this time. It was just a great day with my favorite people.