22. Roman
Chapter 22
Roman
It feels like I’ve never been on a date before the way my heart races and sweat prickles at the base of my scalp. I put on a pair of navy blue shorts with a matching cream and navy blue striped button up. I spend a full five minutes buttoning and unbuttoning the third button, trying to decide which way she would like it best. The sound of my mom clearing her throat in the doorway breaks my attention. I look over and she’s leaned up against the door frame wearing a proud smile.
“Hot date?” she asks with a knowing smile.
“The hottest.” I play it off like a joke but really, this is the most important date I’ve ever been on.
“Where are you taking her?” she asks, stepping in the room and sitting on my bed. We both know she’s talking about Audra but neither of us say her name.
“I’m taking her to Driftwood in Charleston.” Mom’s eyebrows pop up in surprise.
“Definitely buttoned. That place is pretty fancy, you’re really going all out, huh?”
“I want to make sure I don’t mess this up,” I admit.
“I don’t think you could mess things up. I see the way she looks at you.”
“I didn’t tell you who the date was with,” I say, cocking an eyebrow at her. She laughs to herself before speaking.
“Right. So we’re going to pretend there’s anyone else out there that you’d do this for?” she asks, folding her arms over her chest. She’s got me there. I’ve never really had any interest in anyone who wasn’t Audra. I spent all of high school and a lot of my post high school life trying to push myself into other women but it never worked. All I ever landed on was hook-ups who just didn’t do it for me. Nothing against the women, they were all great. They just so happened to all have the same thing wrong with them, they weren’t Audra.
“Yeah. Okay.” I throw my hands up in surrender. “People don’t know yet though, Mom. So don’t say anything. Please,” I add. She cocks her head to the side, pressing her lips into a line.
“You don’t think I know that? You’re sneaking around like teenagers. I won’t tell anyone but Ro, he’ll be less hurt if you guys tell him rather than stumbling upon it,” she adds, giving me the classic mom look. The one that screams DO THE RIGHT THING. I sigh, nodding my head. I know she’s right but the decision isn’t mine to make. “Do you think he has feelings for her too?” she asks. I’m not proud of the possessive feeling in my chest that makes me want to scream that he doesn’t. The feeling doesn’t last though because the reality is that he doesn’t.
“No. Audra is just afraid that it will mess up their friendship because she didn’t tell him right away. But she didn’t tell him right away because she wanted to know there was something worth rocking the boat over,” I explain.
“And is there something to rock the boat over?” she asks with a knowing smirk.
“Yeah. Worth crashing the boat over.”
“Well there you go. Maybe it’s time then,” she says like it’s simple. Like because I’m sure, I can just run down to Ares room real quick and let him know.
“There’s more to it than that. Audra has other reasons for waiting. Ones I can’t tell you about,” I admit. She nods as if she knows already. I don’t question it though. Instead I just continue getting ready for our date.
I hold up two different belts to my mom, asking her which to wear. She points to the thicker of the two. I need everything to be perfect. I need Audra to see that we make sense the way I’ve always known we do. I need her to feel even a quarter of what I’ve felt for her since I met her.
* * *
As I pull into Audra’s driveway, my palms are sweating so bad that I can feel them losing resistance against the steering wheel. I pull my palms to my thighs and wipe them on my shorts. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. I don’t really know why. We’ve been going on what most people would call ‘dates’ for weeks. Still we never called it what it was until now. I pull out my phone to let her know I’m at her house but then I decide I want to do it the proper way. I undo my seat belt and hop out of the Jeep leaving it running.
I grab the blue flowers off the dashboard that I got for her and take them to the door. I ring the doorbell and wait patiently for her to answer the door. A minute or so passes and finally the knob turns and my girl opens the door. She stands there in a black dress that looks like velvet and hugs every curve of her body. Where I would normally find her in sneakers or a pair of combat boots, she’s got on strappy black sandals. Her hair, which is normally worn natural, is curled and pulled out of her face. Goddamn.
I had plans. I ran this night through my head a million times to make sure I could get every single thing perfect. I don’t know why I didn’t consider the fact that she might open the door looking so stunning that I wouldn’t be able to speak. Say something. Tell her she looks beautiful. Tell her you’re excited for tonight. We rehearsed this in the mirror.
“You okay?” she asks looking at me and even her makeup is different. It’s all the dark shades it normally is but tonight there’s glitter like a halo above each eye. She looks like something I dreamed up. I clear my throat, buying myself an extra second to think of something to say.
“You look… I’m excited—” I stumble over my words. Fuck. “I got you flowers.” I finally force out a coherent sentence. Was that so damn hard? Her face lights up when she takes them from my hand.
“Roman, you’re so sweet. You didn’t have to do that. Are these wildflowers?” she asks with the most round puppy dog eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re completely glassed over and that’s when I realize she’s going to cry.
“Yeah, they’re wildflowers. Auds, why are you about to cry?” I ask. She looks up at the sky, blinking the tears from her eyes.
“No one has ever bought me flowers and they’re my favorite. How do you even know they’re my favorite?”
“I just know you, I guess,” I say with a shrug. I leave out the bit where I asked her years ago and tucked the information away in my head hoping and praying that one day I’d have a reason to buy her flowers. I take her hand and walk her to the car. She looks so perfect that I’m not sure I’ll be able to tear my eyes off of her to drive the damn car.
“You look beautiful,” I say as I open her car door and help her climb into the Jeep.
“You don’t look bad yourself,” she says with a wink. I think that’s what it was supposed to be anyways. I don’t tell her that she actually just blinked at me really aggressively.
As we walk into Driftwood, Audra’s eyes scan the whole building top to bottom. The ceilings are tall and the entire inside is built in dark woods. The place is filled to the brim yet the building isn’t particularly loud.
“Are you sure we’ll be able to get a table?” Audra asks, looking in at all the people sitting already. It’s so busy I understand why she asks.
“Yeah I’m sure. I made reservations the night you told me you would be free tonight,” I admit. Her cheeks go rosy and she smiles to herself. I tick a mental box to tell myself I impressed her with another thing tonight. The waitress takes us to our table and brings us each a glass of wine. I purposely got a table by the windows that overlooks the harbor. It’s crowded with boats, but still dolphins roll between them. If there was a way I could have paid for that to happen tonight, I would have. Instead, I was just lucky enough.
“So what do you normally talk about on first dates?” she asks, sipping her wine.
“Me? Or people in general?” I ask, hoping she means in general.
“Yes, you.”
“I don’t go on dates. This is my first one,” I admit. I’m thrown off by the smile that forms on her face.
“Mine too.”
“I assume people talk about themselves, their job, what they want out of the relationship, their goals, things like that.” She sits there for a moment thinking.
“Well, you know me better than anyone else, and you know what I do for work. All I want out of the relationship is you, and my goals are,” she pauses to think. “To be determined.” All I heard was she wanted me. I think I blacked out after that, and nothing before that really mattered in comparison to the feeling the words left in my chest.
“You’re all I want out of it too, Auds,” I say, pulling her hand into mine across the table. It’s risky for us to be on a date in public when there are so many people we’re hiding it from. It doesn’t feel risky though. It just feels right.
The rest of dinner is perfect just like I’d hoped. We talk and laugh while we eat. The dolphins play in the harbor. Audra watches them with the biggest smile on her face. I think for the entirety of dinner the only time she wasn’t smiling was when she was taking a bite of food. A weight is off my shoulders, knowing this is going well.
“Do you want to walk around downtown Charleston? It’s really beautiful if you never have,” I ask, holding the Jeep door open for her.
“I’ve been to Charleston but never really got to explore. I’d love to.” So I drive us to Battery Park and find some street parking. I round out the corner of the Jeep and open the car door for her. The side of the road is lined with street lamps and palm trees, and across the street is the Charleston Harbor. We walk through the park and out the other side where you can actually see downtown. Horse-led carriages pass us by on the street.
“I never realized how historical Charleston is,” Audra says, eyes bright and scanning every inch of the scenery around us. The houses are old and beautiful. I remember my mom bringing me and Ares through here all the time growing up. Pointing out all the pieces of Charleston and how much she loved it. We walk up Broad Street and up to Chalmers Street to show her the old cobblestone street. She’s mesmerized by the history and beauty of it all. Most people are. Otherwise, why would they keep these cobblestones?
“How do you know so much about Charleston?” she asks, swinging our interlocked fingers between us.
“My mom’s always been obsessed with this place. Brought Ares and I here all the time and pointed everything out to us.”
“Sounds like your mom,” she says. I don’t think she’s stopped smiling since we got out of the Jeep. We make a big circle and pass through the French Quarter on our way back to the park. The way she lights up walking through Charleston has me wondering if she’d like to live here. I wonder if she’s given any thought to where she wants to settle down.
“Would you ever want to live here?” I ask. She gives a half-hearted shrug.
“I don’t think so. It’s beautiful but my heart is really in Doves Harbor. Plus Doves Harbor is close enough that I can come see it anytime,” she explains.
“So you want to stay in Doves Harbor?”
“Yeah. I thought about changing that when I found out that Tyler had been lurking around but honestly I don’t want to let him drive me out of a place I love so much. I think I would just do all I could to be sure he doesn’t know where my house is.” Everything she says makes perfect sense. She seems like she’s made a lot of peace with the fact that he is just around. I can’t though. I can’t stand the idea of her not being safe. I lose sleep every night we are not sleeping in the same place. I’ve at least convinced her to spend the night with Ares or have me over when her mom is out of town but it still doesn’t feel like enough.
“What if we got a place together?” I ask. It’s fucking stupid, it’s fast and I know I’ve scared the shit out of her when her eyes go wide. Fuck fuck fuck. Of course, I’d love to live with her but this was not the way to ask or the time to ask. I want to take them back; tell her I didn’t mean it, but that may be worse.
“What?” she almost yells, snatching her hand from mine. Goddamn me and my chronic foot in mouth. Nothing like the good ole rock and a hard place. Either tell the girl you’ve been in love with since middle school that you didn’t mean it and you don’t want to live with her. Or double down and scare her half to death.
“I’m just ready to look at places and move out of my mom’s,” I simply say as if that clarified anything at all. I’ll just address the moving part, and not the part where I asked her to live with me before we have even told anyone about us. She throws her arms in the air with a bewildered look on her face.
“Okay, that makes sense,” she says, nodding. Then she pauses and stops walking, facing me. “No, I’m sorry we can’t just pretend like you didn’t just drop a move-in-with-me bomb on me.”
“Are you sure? That’s kinda what I was leaning toward.”
“Roman. I’m serious,” she says, starting to walk again. I sigh deeply, following behind her. “What would even make you ask that?” she asks. Insanity. Being in love with you since middle school. Stupidity. Fear. The usual. I groan, running my hands down my face.
“I don’t know, Auds. All the Tyler stuff… I just would feel better if I could keep an eye on you and know you’re safe,” I admit as we approach the Jeep. I open her car door for her and she brushes past me in a way that I know I fucked the night up when I shoved my foot in my mouth once again. I walk around the other side and sit down, looking over at her. She won’t even look at me.
“Can you take me home?” she asks, looking out the window.
“Come on, Auds. Don’t shut me out again.” I sigh. I want to pout like a child and refuse to start the car until I get my way and she talks to me. I don’t though, mostly because that would be insane for me to. Partially though because I made this bed so I deserve to lie in it.
“People don’t even know we’re together Roman. Should I tell Ares I’m moving out of my mom’s? When he asks where, should I let him know I’m moving in with his brother?” she snaps at me and it feels like I have my tail between my legs. I really did it this time.
“I’m sorry.” Is the only response I’ve got. I’m sorry that I scared her. I’m sorry that she’s mad. I’m even sorry for saying that to her so soon. I’m not sorry though for wanting that. I probably should be, in fact I know I should be. I can’t pretend like I am though. I’ve wanted her for as long as I can remember and I don’t have an intention of losing her now that I have her.
The drive to her house is painfully quiet and tense. She looks out the window the whole drive there and what started as a perfect night is now ruined. I try to think of something I can say to fix it but there’s nothing. I come up short. Finally I pull into her driveway and my heart sinks to my gut at the thought of losing her like this.
“Auds.” I sigh, leaning my head on the steering wheel. Tears prick at my eyes. God, crying in front of her is going to be the nail in the coffin. Pull it together.
“I just need a night to think,” she barks out at me. Fuckkk. I look up at her, eyes burning. Her facial expression is ice cold until she looks me in the eye. She lets out a breath and her body softens a little. “I’m not shutting you out. I just need to process this by myself, okay?”
Every bone in my body is screaming not to let her out of the car, beg her to stay, beg her to talk to me. Instead, I just nod.
“Okay. Text me when you’re ready to talk.” And that’s where we leave it.