Chapter 17
17
B lair is coming over tonight, and I’m freaking out.
The chronic pain gods were merciful for once, and I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, but that gave me more mental space to worry about other things.
What should I wear?
Does what I eat affect the taste of my blood?
Should I shave my pubes?
Would it be too weird to give her a little thank you gift?
Should I get waterproof sheets to prevent bloodstains?
Is this whole thing way too weird?
What do I do if I cry again?
I wish Blair were awake so I could text her. Poor Mona has fielded my frantic questions as best she can, but there’s really not much she can do once the anxiety beast takes hold of me.
Few people know how much I worry. I’m adventurous and outgoing, so I couldn’t possibly be anxious. Just another imperfect facet of myself that I’ve grown excellent at hiding.
I won’t be able to hide it from Blair. She reads me far too well. I don’t want to hide it from her. Isn’t the whole point of this BDSM thing that I need to be honest and trust her?
Still, I wish she’d told me what to wear. I’ve torn my entire closet apart looking for an outfit that somehow conveys both “this is totally casual and no big deal” and “I want you to put me on my knees and order me around”. Everything either looks like I’m trying too hard or not trying enough.
I’ve had to take two showers because I keep getting super sweaty. It feels pointless because I know the second she gets here I’m going to be a sweaty, gross mess, no matter how hard I try to stay calm.
I should’ve asked if she wanted to drink my blood tonight. I have anti-anxiety meds I could take, but then they would be in my bloodstream, and I don’t know if she’d want to ingest that. I wonder if that’s how vampires do drugs…
When I’m finally dressed and as put together as I can manage, I pace around the house, trying to burn off some of this agitated energy so I won’t be a ball of nerves when she arrives.
God, I’m so nervous. But that’s not all of what’s making me want to jump out of my skin. I’m also really damn excited. Blair sent me her list of interests and boundaries that seem to align very well with mine. I made her promise me she didn’t fill things out that way to make me feel more comfortable and told her I didn’t want her to do anything she didn’t like. I swear I could hear the laughter in her text back, thanking me for my concern but reminding me she doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to.
Which means she wants to have sex with me.
I know that’s not a big deal. I’m sure Blair has had casual sex with plenty of women, and I know that I’m attractive. Lots of people have casual sex and it doesn’t mean anything. I can’t seem to get the hopeful, romantic part of my head that’s harboring my crush from hoping this might be more than that.
I honestly don’t know if casual sex is something I’ll be okay with. Just like I don’t know if I’ll like sex with a woman, or any of this kinky stuff when it happens in real life. But I’ll regret not finding out, and I don’t want to go through my life wondering what could’ve been if I’d been brave enough to try.
I wasted way too many years of my life with comfortable mediocrity. I want to find something that makes me truly excited. And god, I really think that could be Blair.
The sex dreams every night that feature her certainly seem to agree.
By the time Blair arrives, I’m so anxious and excited I’m not sure if I want to cry or beg her to make me come. I scurry to the door, then take a deep inhale to collect myself and plaster on what I hope is a calm smile, and open it.
I don’t know what I was expecting, but the second I see Blair, some of my nerves evaporate. She didn’t suddenly turn into a different person the second we scheduled this first scene. She’s not going to put on some intense domme persona because she doesn’t need to. Blair is plenty intimidating and powerful in her default state.
“H-hey!”
“You look surprised to see me. Expecting someone else?” Blair says with a wry tilt of her lips .
I laugh and shake my head. “No. Just… this is so silly, but I thought maybe you’d look different.”
“Do you not like what I’m wearing?” Blair gestures down to her black top and tight jeans that hug her hips perfectly. God, how is she so casually hot? It’s not fair to us mere mortals. She’s wearing what she’d normally wear to come over, which makes me feel a lot better about my choice not to answer the door in my sluttiest dress.
“You look perfect. You always look perfect.” My cheeks heat at the little eyebrow raise she gives me in response to my words. “Don’t give me that look! You know how hot you are.”
That makes her laugh. “Alright.”
She hovers in the doorframe as I turn to head inside. “Oh shit, I always forget. Please, come in.”
Whatever supernatural weirdness bars her from entering my home falls away at my words, and she follows me as I head to the living room.
“Would it work if I told you that you could come whenever you want?”
“I don’t need your permission for that,” she says deadpan.
My face flames even more. “I meant come in! Into my house. I wouldn’t presume to try to dictate…that. That’s your job.” I clear my throat. “I assume anyway.” Fuck, I’m so awkward.
“Ah.” There’s restrained amusement in her tone. “Yes.”
“Yes, it would work to let you in, or yes, you’re going to tell me when I can come?” I blurt.
She grins. “Yes.”
I roll my eyes at her annoying reply, but my pulse speeds up at the thought of the latter. “Alright, then you have permission to come into my home whenever you want.”
“Thank you. That means a lot to me.” There’s a hint of genuine relief in her voice that makes my chest squeeze.
The urge to hug her overwhelms me, and I tug Blair’s smaller frame against my body, even though I know she probably won’t like it. There wasn’t a section on the form to list if you’re interested in hugs, but I can ask for forgiveness after.
“You don’t have to thank me,” I whisper. She’s slightly stiff as I hold her against me, but after a few seconds, her arms come up to wrap around my waist. This close, I catch a hint of her soft, lightly floral scent and I resist the urge to suck in a deep breath so it envelops me. There’s something so simultaneously sexy and comforting about the way she smells. “You’re always welcome. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.”
I let go when she starts to pull away and give her a sheepish smile. “Was that okay? We’re not in a scene yet and I thought it might be good…”
She nods. “Hugs are okay. I just wasn’t expecting it.”
“Well, get used to it because I hug the people I care about.” And ever since I realized how much I like Blair, I care about her a lot. God, I hope I don’t fuck everything up. What if we try this and it ruins things? Maybe it’d be better to stay friends without anything else in the mix.
Blair frowns and places a hand on my shoulder. I almost jolt at the contact, despite having just hugged her, and she squeezes, her nails digging into the sleeve of my top. “Tell me what’s freaking you out,” she says, a clear command.
“Everything?” I say with a laugh.
“Be more specific.”
“I don’t want to ruin things,” I murmur.
“Grace, if you don’t want?—”
I shake my head. “I do! I want to. But you matter a lot to me, and I feel like I’m using you. If I can’t handle it or it doesn’t work, I don’t want to lose your friendship. ”
Her eyes lock on mine. “You won’t.”
“You can’t say that for certain!” I’m unsure why I’m arguing.
She sighs. “You have to trust me for this to work. That includes the kink, but also to make sure that neither of us gets hurt to the point it’s irreparable.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt at all,” I mutter.
“You don’t get to decide what feelings I open myself up to, Grace. I’ve been through more than you can ever imagine. If I say I can handle any pain or weirdness that arises from us trying this out, I can.”
Shit, she’s right. “Okay. Same, by the way. If it ends up not working, I’ll be an awkward mess for a bit, but that seems to be my default state for all of this. We’ll be okay once that blows over.”
Saying it aloud makes the stakes of this feel a lot more real, but also more manageable.
“Then we’re on the same page.” She releases her grip on my shoulder, and I try not to sag at the loss of contact. I didn’t realize how much it was bolstering me.
“So… when do we start?” I ask, clasping my hands behind my back.
Blair scans over me, her eyes leaving a burning trail of awareness across me. “Now.”
Oh wow, okay. I thought maybe there’d be more preamble, but she probably knows I’ll pester her with questions if she gives me more time. We’ve talked for hours about this leading up to tonight. She’s already answered everything I needed to know. I’m as ready as I can be.
God, I hope I don’t fuck this up.