Chapter 20
20
A fter a night of fitful sleep spent dreaming about Blair telling me she changed her mind, she’s not interested in me, and deciding that she’d rather not talk to me at all, I’m terrified when I wake up to see a voice memo from her.
She’s only ever texted me before, so that’s got to be a bad sign. Oh god, the dreams were prophetic. I knew Blair seemed off when she left. She didn’t have to go meet with a client, she just wanted to get away from me.
I hug the blankets tighter around my body as if they’ll insulate me from whatever hurt is coming my way, and press play.
“Hey Grace.”
Blair’s voice is as sexy as the rest of her—even and melodic, with a hint of a rasp.
“To start, you didn’t do anything wrong, and this isn’t a message telling you I’m not going to be your domme.”
The relief I feel is palpable. Warm tingles replace the dread that had pooled in my gut. She knows I’d freak out, so she said what I needed to know right away.
“I think you’ll be the one to change your mind, though, after I tell you this.”
The resignation in her tone makes it clear she thinks that will be the case. But what could she tell me that would make me change my mind? We’ve already talked through everything. Last night went really well, aside from her running away mid-movie.
“I’ve told you before that being a vampire means I have urges that can be difficult to control. The desire to feed is always there, and I’ve learned to manage it so it doesn’t become a problem. But… it’s very difficult with you, Grace. Last night, I wanted your blood. Not just a taste to satisfy a reasonable thirst. The monster inside me told me to consume you. That’s why I left so fast. I can’t hurt you. I won’t.”
My breath halts at her grim, determined words. What does she mean by consume?
“You’ve given me your trust, and I’m terrified I’ll break it. I…” She takes in a shaky breath. Her voice is tight as she continues, like she’s choking back a sob. “I killed someone. The night after I was turned, I woke up alone and disoriented. My sire, the man who made me into a vampire, the person I thought loved me, was nowhere to be found. I was scared, but more than that, I was hungry . Someone knocked on the door, and I didn’t think, I just… the instinct to feed overwhelmed me and I grabbed th em. Drank from them until there was nothing left but a cold, lifeless body in my arms and the horror at what I’d done.”
Oh god. Tears slide down my cheeks, and the hand holding my phone shakes as I listen to Blair’s grim confession.
“What I did is unforgivable. You don’t want me to get close to you. I’m a monster, Grace.” A muffled sobs burst from her and the memo cuts off abruptly.
I stare at my phone, stunned by the devastation in Blair’s voice. My chest aches knowing she’s had to bear the weight of pain and shame from such a horrific experience.
I have to do something.
I dial Blair’s number, heavy tears plopping down onto the phone screen as I hold it up to my ear. It’s after sunrise, but I can’t wait. I’m not even sure what I’m going to say, but I need to talk to her now.
After five rings, she picks up. “Grace?” Blair’s voice is a hoarse croak. She must’ve been asleep.
“Was that the only time?” I ask, the words coming out of me in a rush.
There’s a moment of silence before she replies. “Yes, but?—”
“You haven’t killed anyone else?” I ask, needing to confirm what I already suspected.
“Not since that first time, no. I attacked more people in the weeks after I was turned, but didn’t drain them. I regained control. But Grace, it’s always there, inside me. You’re not safe with?—”
I don’t let her finish. I’m not letting her torture herself more. I can’t imagine the trauma and horror of realizing you’ve accidentally killed someone. Of course she’s riddled with guilt. I don’t know how I’d cope after that either. But there’s one thing I’m certain of.
Blair is not a danger to me.
“You are not a monster.” I surprise myself with the forcefulness of my tone. “You said it yourself. You were alone and confused and you had no one to help you. It’s a miracle you didn’t kill anyone else, and even if you had, it wouldn’t have been your fault. That death isn’t on your hands. It’s on the hands of the bastard who turned you and then abandoned you.”
You’d think I’d be more shaken. That I’d be horrified to know that Blair’s vampiric nature has caused her to kill. But all I feel is certainty. Something deep inside me tells me I can trust her.
“You’ve never told anyone about this before, have you?” I ask, softening my voice. There’s no way Mona would’ve heard her story and not had the same reaction as me.
Blair lets out a shuddering exhale. “No. I didn’t want to scare people away. Besides, I thought I had it under control. But every time we’re together, the monster inside me begs me to feed from you. I’ve never felt such a craving like this before. Not even that first night.”
My mind latches on the last part of her statement. The intensity of her desire for my blood should scare me, but instead something hot builds in my core. “How is it different?” I need to know.
“It’s… fuck, Grace.” Blair lets out a sound that’s a mix between a groan and a dark laugh. My body floods with more heat. “It’s like you’re the most decadent dessert in the world, and all I’ve eaten for ages is stale bread. You’re temptation incarnate.”
“Oh.” I’m so flustered that it takes my brain a second to reboot.
Blair mistakes that reaction for something other than arousal. “I know it’s frightening to hear that a vampire wants your blood that desperately.”
“You know you can eat dessert in moderation, right? If we follow your metaphor, a dessert like that usually gets savored. It’s too rich to eat all at once.”
“I… ”
“I’m not scared of you, Blair. What you’re describing doesn’t sound like monstrous hunger. It sounds more like a craving you need to sate. I bet that if you do it once, you’ll realize that’s all it is.”
The thought cools my arousal. I’m a craving. Once she has me, will she move on to something better like everyone else?
“It’s not safe. What if you’re wrong and I lose control? I can’t…” Blair’s voice cracks as she trails off.
“You won’t. You have the strongest willpower of anyone I’ve ever met.” If I knew where she lived, I’d be on my way over to her place and busting down into her basement to show her right now that she won’t hurt me.
“I can teach you about kink without drinking your blood,” she says feebly, and that’s the first thing she’s said in this conversation that I don’t believe. If we keep doing this, it will happen eventually.
“I don’t want that. I want it all, Blair.” I pause, trying to figure out how to convince her. “We could… Oh! We’re going to that monster night at the kink club. Surely someone there can be on standby to intervene if you lose control? You’re a badass, but I bet a burly monster could pry me from your clutches if need be.”
There’s a long pause, followed by an almost inaudible sigh. “Okay.”
“Really?” I expected her to argue more, despite my sound logic.
“Yes. I don’t want to fight this… I want to give you what you need.” She doesn’t say that she’ll also be getting what she wants, but it’s evident in the rasp of her voice. “I can ask Max. He owes me.”
“Wait, hold on, Max? ” My best friend’s fiancé isn’t exactly who I imagined when I made the suggestion. I was thinking more like that minotaur she mentioned. I can’t have Max there when I’m doing this sort of thing. It’d be too weird!
“Yes. As a half-succubus, he can sense strong emotions, so he’ ll be able to tell if I’m about to lose control without needing to be in the room with us.”
Oh shit, I forgot about that. No wonder he’s so good at reading people. It makes sense, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look him in the eyes again. “Won’t that be too awkward?” I ask.
Blair chuckles, some of the casual ease of her normal tone finally returning. “I’ve stood guard enough times for him and Mona during some of their more… intense scenes. He has no room to judge anything we do. Also, he’s a private investigator, so he’s probably seen and heard it all.”
“Alright…” I’m still cringing at the thought, but I don’t want to argue when she’s gone from proclaiming she’s too dangerous to agreeing to try feeding from me despite her fears. If this is what it takes, I’ll deal with my embarrassment. “We need to make sure Mona is alright with it, too.”
“I’ll talk to them both.” Blair pauses for a long moment, then continues. “I’m sorry, Grace,” she says, her voice thick again. “I didn’t want to burden you with my trauma, but I needed you to know what I am.”
“Nothing you’ve told me is a burden.” A tear slides down my cheek at how lonely and in pain Blair must’ve been since she became a vampire. From what she’s said about her life before that, I don’t know if she’s ever felt safe enough to trust someone with her emotions.
“You matter to me. That includes the painful, difficult parts of you that you hide. That’s what it means to be…” I almost say friends, but she feels like much more than that to me now. “That’s what it means to truly care for someone unconditionally. You take everything that makes someone who they are—the light, the dark, and all the murky things in between—and you accept them.”
“I…” Blair’s voice cracks as she trails off. Her breath shudders au dibly on the other end of the call. It feels like there’s a myriad of things she wants to say, but what comes out is a soft, achingly vulnerable, “Thank you.”
I’m crying hard now, tears streaming down my face both for Blair’s pain and for the sudden recognition of my own. It was easy to say those words to her and know their truth, but I’ve never been able to apply them to myself. I accepted the conditional love doled out sparingly by my ex-husband, even though in the core of my being I knew that wasn’t genuine care. I’m mad at myself that it took five years and him asking for a divorce so he could be with the woman he was cheating on me with to see it.
I sniffle and wipe at my tears with the hem of my sleep shirt. “Alright, now that that’s all settled, I should let you get back to sleep.” It’s a sunny day already, and I don’t know a ton about vampires, but it’s probably very difficult for her to be up right now.
“Okay,” Blair replies, her exhaustion apparent in the croak of her voice.
“Talk to you later. Sweet dreams.” I don’t want to hang up, but I know I need to .
“For once, they might actually be sweet,” Blair murmurs with a sigh before hanging up.