Chapter 34
34
“ A ven? ” I ask, blinking in confusion at the fae standing before me.
“None other.” They grin, flashing their razor-sharp teeth at me and holding their pale, pearlescent arms out with a dramatic flourish.
A moment of stunned silence passes as my brain attempts to process that my fae kink mentor I haven’t seen in years is here on my doorstep.
“Well, are you going to stand there slack jawed, or are you going to invite me in?” they ask, rolling their milky green eyes at me as their opalescent wings twitch behind them in agitation. It’s a good thing I have a long driveway and tree cover surrounding my property, because explaining the literal fairy standing on my porch to neighbors would be difficult.
I open the door wider and they stride inside, letting out a low whistle. “Damn, Blair. You’ve done well for yourself. Got yourself your own godsdamn gothic manor and everything.”
“It’s just a house,” I say, brow knitting together.
What are they doing here? What do they want? With fae, you never know what to expect. It could be anything from swinging by for a friendly chat, to coming to con me out of everything I own because I said something in passing that made them mad. Things are finally going well, so it’d be my luck that Aven is here to seek vengeance for a long held grudge. Shit, is that why they ghosted me?
Aven spins around and startles at my stormy expression. “Whoa, why are you looking at me like that? Aren’t you happy to see me?”
“I… I’m confused,” I say hesitantly. “You vanished without saying anything, and now you’re here at my house, four years later.”
“Oh! It’s only been four years? It’s felt more like decades with how tedious all the fae realm nonsense I was dealing with was. Though, time is weird between here and that plane, so maybe it was decades for me… Anyway! I’m here now,” they say cheerily.
“So you’re here because…”
“I wanted to say hello to my favorite vampire protégé! I was visiting with an old friend and imagine my surprise when she mentioned a vampire named Blair living in town who helped her out with some nasty demon trouble. Nice work, by the way! Your compulsion skills must’ve improved tremendously in my absence. Do you want to try them out on me again and see if you can make me… what was it you tried to do the night we met?” They clap their hands together. “Oh! Right. Give you all the money in my wallet. ”
“I’m good, thanks.” I’m still on edge, but there’s no sign of malice in their demeanor. No, they’re exactly as talkative and friendly as they were before. I guess it really is a social visit.
“Don’t tell me you’re upset I didn’t say goodbye. Is that why you’re not more excited to see me?” Aven asks with an exaggerated pout that twists the uncanny beauty of their face.
From what I remember of Aven, they were never a fan of hiding the truth, so I answer honestly. “I was hurt at the time. But I’m past that. It’s good to see you now that I know you’re not here to exact revenge.”
“Oh gods, no!” They clasp their chest with their hand melodramatically. “I save that for people far less interesting and beautiful.”
I suppress an eye roll at their flirtation. Nothing ever happened between us beyond their training, but they enjoy hitting on me, anyway. “Come in.” I lead them into my living room, which they scan with the same excitement as the entryway. “Want something to drink? I have someone coming over in an hour, but I’d love to catch up before then.”
Aven cocks a brow at me as they sit down and cross their long legs and flick out their skirt with a flourish. “Someone’s coming over? I thought you didn’t like people in your space.”
I can’t contain my snort. “If you knew that, why did you show up uninvited?”
They grin back, delighted at my reply. “Darling, I’m not ‘people’. I’ll take a glass of wine, if you please.”
“I have water, cold brew, some kind of sparkling juice, and blood,” I say drolly.
“So your guest doesn’t warrant getting a nice bottle of red? Interesting…” They give me an assessing look. “I’ll take the juice, then.”
“She doesn’t drink wine,” I say with a shrug. I’ve offered to get Grace more beverage options, but she insisted she was happy as long as she has her coffee. The juice was my feeble attempt to get her something else just in case, and it’s sat in my fridge unopened for a week.
“Screw the juice. Tell me more about this woman that’s coming over to your house and making you smile like that,” Aven says, curiosity glittering in their milky eyes as I take a seat across from them.
“She’s…” What do I say? We still haven’t had the conversation about what exactly we are. I think we’re both afraid of messing things up or scaring the other away by putting a name on it. “She’s a close friend.”
Aven narrows their eyes.
“And my submissive,” I add.
“A human?” I nod, and Aven gives me a dirty grin. “This friend must be very special to get an invite to the elusive Mistress Bella’s home.”
“She is. I’m fond of her.” Aven’s discerning gaze bores into me, making me feel like I’m cheapening what I have with Grace by not being open about my feelings for her. A lump forms in my throat.
“How adorable! Human pets are such a fun diversion. It’s been ages since I’ve had one. At least a century. Ooo, maybe I’ll get one to spice things up for a bit. They’re always so eager and vibrant. Probably because of their ridiculously short life spans.”
I stiffen. It’s clear Aven isn’t trying to offend me, but hearing them speak like humans are disposable playthings, that they think that’s what Grace is to me… I clench my fist at my side to contain my anger, nails digging hard into my palms to ground myself. “She’s not a pet.”
I may call Grace ‘pet’. I may act like she’s an object for me to use. But that’s what it is—an act. I would never actually want to keep her like a doll to be put on a shelf when I grow bored. She’s my partner. She’s who I want by my side for as long as she’ll have me.
“Oh!” Aven looks genuinely taken aback, their eyes going wide. “My mistake! Well then, when are you turning her?”
They ask with such nonchalance that it takes me aback, and I can’t hide the way my stomach clenches painfully at their words. “What?”
Their brow furrows. “You love her, yes? Better to do it while she’s still in her prime. Humans wither so quickly, and I doubt she wants to be a haggard old woman for eternity.” They shudder melodramatically.
For all that I don’t need to breathe, I’m suddenly suffocating. The blood I drank when I woke up whooshes in my ears, drowning out Aven’s voice as they continue to discuss the merits of turning someone sooner rather than later.
Grace is going to die if I don’t turn her.
Of course she’s going to fucking die. What did I think was going to happen? I knew this. I pushed it to the recesses of my mind, too reckless to listen to the warnings in my gut.
The pain of considering the future loss lances through me. Beside it is the grim, hopeless certainty that there’s no universe in which I’ll make Grace like me. I can’t condemn anyone to this existence, let alone the most brilliant, vivacious woman I’ve ever met. She deserves life, not some facsimile where she’s burdened with unending hunger and darkness.
I can’t do that to her.
I won’t.
“—and then you have to consider how they’re going to change once they’re turned. You’d be surprised how many people’s personalities suddenly become absolute shit after they’ve been granted immortality. Not you, of course. ”
I shake my head. “I’m not going to turn her.”
Aven immediately stops their pontificating on the subject, eyes narrowing at me. Their mouth opens and closes a few times until they finally let out a low sigh. Any hint of humor or playfulness has vanished from their voice as they speak. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but that’s for the best. I forgot how wise you are for a neonate.”
“Why do you say that?” I ask evenly, trying not to betray the way my body is tensing, like I’m getting ready to fight off an unseen force. Except death isn’t something I can fight, unless I want Grace to end up a monster like me.
“Oh, a multitude of reasons. Some I’m sure you’ve already thought of, if you’ve decided against turning her. As I was saying, people change when death is no longer a threat. A few for the better, but the vast majority for the worst. When you’ve lived for as long as I have, you’ve seen some of the kindest souls twisted by the ravages of time. It takes extreme mental fortitude and a sense of self-preservation above all else in order to make it through the centuries without losing yourself.” They tap their chin thoughtfully. “You’ve been a vampire for what, a century?”
“A decade.”
Their eyes widen, and they shake their head, letting out a rueful laugh. “Gods, you’re so young . Fate must truly have been guiding me when I decided to stop by for a visit. I’d hate to think that your attachment to mortal mentalities would lead you to make an impulsive decision that would haunt you for eternity.”
They sigh, the sound heavy with the weight of centuries worth of living. “I’m sure your human is very special to you right now, but letting yourself get too attached is unwise. It may not feel like it yet, but a human lifespan is exactly that. A momentary flash. Blink and they’re gone. ”
Blink and they’re gone. I do just that, and when my eyes open again, cool, wet tears are sliding down my cheeks. I can’t speak past the lump in my throat that’s choking me.
“Oh darling, shit, I’m so sorry,” Aven says when they see my tears. “It gets easier with time, I promise. You learn how to protect yourself from the pain.”
All I’ve done since I was turned is learn how to protect myself, and yet here I am, sliced open by the harsh realities of my vampiric condition that I promised myself I wouldn’t ignore, yet immediately did when Grace walked into my life. I swipe away my tears, bitter anger and frustration with myself for being so fucking weak churning in my gut.
I startle as Aven’s weight settles on the couch beside me and their hand rests on my arm. “Truly, I’m sorry.”
A long silence stretches between us as I attempt to compose myself, but it’s no use. All the pieces I painstakingly put back together after I became a vampire are falling apart, and all it took was a simple reality check. “It’s fine,” I finally manage to bite out.
Aven squeezes my arm, and there’s a slight tingle of warming magic infused in their touch. Something to calm me, no doubt, and as much as I don’t like them doing it without my consent, I’m grateful for the numbing clarity that seeps in past the overwhelming emotion.
“I’m not saying these things to be cruel. I care about you, Blair. You have what it takes to be an immensely powerful and relatively well-adjusted vampire, unlike most who are turned. I don’t want to see that ruined by something as… fleeting as love.”
They pause, a haunted look crossing their face.
Aven’s voice is much softer when they continue. “I’ve been there, and it almost broke me. You don’t deserve to be broken again. Not after everything you’ve already been through in your short years.”
“What happened?” I ask, even though I dread knowing the details for fear they’ll be too similar to my situation. There’s still a kernel of pathetic hope in my chest saying that Aven is wrong. That I could handle things differently than them. That the way I feel about Grace isn’t the same.
“The first time? I was young like you and absolutely infatuated with my human lover. Shit, what was her name?” They shrug and continue, unbothered by their failure to remember. “Anyway, I granted her fae immortality so we could be together forever. This was back before the fae purposefully forgot that magic because of the absolute havoc it wreaked. Turns out, she’d been manipulating me. She saw an opportunity in me and when she became immortal, I was no longer necessary.”
“That’s awful. Grace isn’t like that, though.” I don’t know why I’m arguing. I won’t turn her, but I hate their implication that she’s using me for what I can give her as a vampire.
“I’m sure she isn’t,” Aven says evenly. “Though, if she were, I wouldn’t blame her. Being a mortal must be terrifying. They’re so easily hurt, and no one wants to die.”
I do.
I don’t say it out loud, but I never fucking wanted to be immortal. I accepted it in the moment because I was naive and lured in by a manipulative bastard. What Aven is describing confirms just how hellish living forever will be.
I don’t want to watch people die over and over. I don’t want to feel this gnawing, violent urge that presses against the edges of my mind, waiting for the moment I lose control. I don’t want to face the ravages of time.
Oblivious to my despair, Aven continues. “You’d think I would’ve learned my lesson, but us fae are egotistical little shits. The second time I thought I knew everything and that it would be fine. I loved Seamus, and he loved me. Truly. We had about a century before that love faded. That’s the problem with love. No matter how much you tend to the bloom, unlike us, it will die. Like I said, living this long changes you. Seamus became someone I didn’t recognize by the time he left me. That loss was even worse than the first.” Aven laughs humorlessly. “And now I have to see him at every other fae gathering. Ugh, he’s like a wart I can’t get rid of no matter how many times I cut it away.”
“I’m sorry for asking,” I say, sensing unhealed pain in the way Aven holds themself stiffly.
“Oh nonsense! It’s nice to find a use for all this hard-won wisdom. Most of the time, I have to sit back and watch as people ruin their lives again and again.”
“I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have it in me to turn someone,” I say ruefully. “I care about Grace too much to manipulate her affection for me into an eternity of being a monster.”
“Well then, I’ll stop babbling about the downfalls of making your lover immortal.” Aven stands up and claps their hands together. “I should go before your human arrives. I won’t presume that you’d want her to meet me, especially if she’s not going to be sticking around for long.”
I want to scream at them to stop being so callous, but they’re saying what I need to hear. Still, I can’t stop myself from asking one more question.
“Have you ever loved someone who stayed mortal?”
Their smile flickers. “Yes.”
“And how did you cope?”
“I didn’t. At least not the first time. But once was enough to learn to never get attached to mortals. My advice? Play with them, have your fun, and then move on to the next one. It’s better for everyone involved.”
I nod, swallowing hard so I don’t cry again, but a tear escapes anyway.
Aven reaches up and wipes it away with their thumb, the crimson liquid stark against their unearthly pale, shimmering skin. “You’re strong. You’ll get through this. Shed your tears and keep moving forward. That’s all any of us can do.”
I have nothing to say. My thoughts flicker back and forth from petulant rejection of their words to grim acknowledgement of their veracity and what needs to be done. They reverberate so loudly in my head that I want to reach inside and claw out every emotion and all the hope inside me until I’m empty, because at least then I wouldn’t feel this way. I wouldn’t have to feel anything at all.
“It was good to see you, darling. I’ll check back in soon to make sure you’re okay.” Knowing them, that means at least another five years.
Maybe by then the ruins of my heart will have mended. Maybe by then I’ll have learned the lesson that the universe keeps beating into me again and again.
When I let emotions lead me, I end up utterly destroyed.