Chapter 35
35
I ’m going to ask her tonight. It’s been almost two months and I’m driving myself crazy, not knowing what it is we’re doing. It’s time to stop being scared and find out for certain.
Fortunately, I’m ninety-nine percent sure that Blair will laugh and kiss me, then agree to anything I propose. I’d have to be blind to not notice the adoring way she smiles at me every time we’re together lately. She’s told me again and again that she’ll give me anything I need. I just have to be brave enough to ask for it.
By the time I arrive at her doorstep, my palms are sweating and I’m vibrating with a potent blend of nerves and excitement. She hasn’t given me any details about what we’ll be up to tonight since it’s so last minute, but it’ s only my second time coming over to her place. I have a small overnight bag over my shoulder, in case she wants me to stay over.
The first night I came over to her house, I had work the next morning, and she didn’t want me to be exhausted the next day, so she sent me home at a reasonable hour. We didn’t even make it to her bedroom. But today is Friday, which means I can stay as long as she wants. If she wants.
Crap, now the nerves are starting to overwhelm the excitement. I shake out my arms, flicking the excess energy out toward the ground and inhaling deeply, then ring the doorbell. I half expect Blair to be lurking on the other side, waiting for me to arrive, but she takes almost a minute to answer.
My heart skips a beat when I see her, like it does every night we get together. I’ll never get over how breathtaking Blair is. Tonight, she’s forgone her usual makeup in favor of a clean face, but if anything, that only emphasizes the beauty of her high cheekbones and flawless umber skin.
Affection for her bubbles up inside me, and I wrap my arms around her, pressing a kiss to her lips before she has a chance to say anything.
Blair stiffens in surprise, but after a second, kisses me back with a soft groan that makes my belly flutter.
I give her a sheepish grin when I pull back. “Sorry. I’m happy to see you tonight. In case you couldn’t tell,” I add with a chuckle.
Her lips quirk. “I might’ve noticed.”
She guides me inside, then holds out a hand to take my purse to hang it up on a hook near the entryway. Her eyes flick to the overnight bag on my shoulder, and I clutch at it, suddenly very self-conscious about my presumption about how tonight will go.
“I, uh, brought some stuff. Just in case,” I say, flushing .
I expect her to tease me or ask for details, but she nods and hangs it up beside my purse. Guess I was worrying for no reason.
“Come in,” Blair says, leading me into her immaculate gothic living room that looks ripped from the pages of a dark academia novel. It’s hard not to feel a little self-conscious about how nice her place is compared to mine. Especially since she’s seen my condo in full-blown disaster mode.
“I know I said this last time, but your place is so cool. You did all the decorating yourself, right?” I ask, trying to hide my feelings of inadequacy. Blair told me she doesn’t care what my place looks like, and she didn’t run screaming after seeing it, and me, at our worst.
“I did. Well, the garden was here when I moved in. But other than that, it’s all me. The upstairs still isn’t done yet, otherwise I’d give you a full tour.”
“Ooo, can I at least see the garden? It’s beautiful out tonight. Maybe we could sit out there for a bit?” I almost stumble over my words, worried that she can tell I’m acting weird or know what I’m going to bring up.
An indecipherable look flashes across her face, but she nods. “Yeah. That’s a good idea.”
I thread my fingers through hers and for a moment she gazes at me with such sheer longing that it takes my breath away. I’m caught under her spell, ready and willing to go to my knees and do anything she asks of me. I’m desperate for her command.
I wet my lips and step closer, heat crackling between us.
Shit, no. Talk first. Then we can have lots of passionate, earth shattering sex after.
Squeezing Blair’s hand, I shake off the lust as best I can. “Lead the way,” I say with a smile.
Blair guides me through a set of French doors at the back of her living room, and we emerge out onto a dark cobblestone patio and backyard garden surrounded by hedges. She flicks a switch near the door and I gasp as everything is illuminated by soft fairy lights. Roses ranging from delicate pinks, to deep blood reds cover the hedges and climb across the overhead trellises where the lights hang.
“It’s like something out of a dream,” I murmur, stepping further out into the rose garden and letting the gentle fragrance wash over me. “This is beautiful.”
“Not half as beautiful as you,” Blair says softly, coming to stand beside me. There’s a strange, almost wistful look in her eyes when I turn to smile at her.
“I bet you say that to all the women you take out here,” I say with a teasing smile.
Blair doesn’t smile back. “I’ve never brought anyone out here before. The only person who’s seen it other than you is a stubborn client who does landscaping and refused to take no for an answer about helping set up lights out here.”
My stomach does a flip at the knowledge that I’m the first. “Why not? You’ve had other women spend the night, right?” We’ve spoken a bit about her dating history, and she’s had at least one partner for long enough that they slept over.
“I…” I watch Blair’s throat work as she swallows heavily, and the butterflies in my stomach kick up even more.
Maybe I won’t have to ask her what’s going on between us. Maybe she’ll confess the reason she feels comfortable with me out in her garden is that she wants me beyond the sex and kink.
Disappointment tamps down that fluttering anticipation when she clears her throat and looks away. “It never came up. Most people care more about going to the bedroom than seeing a garden.”
“Thankfully, I’m not like other people,” I tease with a soft laugh .
Blair’s eyes shine in the dim light as she holds my gaze. “You aren’t.”
This is it. I need to say how I feel. I need her to know what she means to me.
Instead, I chicken out, looking away toward the roses as my cheeks burn. “This space is special to you, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” I think that’s the only response I’m going to get, but then Blair continues. “I enjoy coming out here. The flowers are beautiful and, against all odds, they’ve managed to survive, even with my subpar gardening skills. There’s something about being out here, surrounded by them, that calms me. Helps me sort through my thoughts.”
“I can see why. It’s very peaceful out here.”
She nods and a moment of silence passes between us as I imagine Blair coming out here to sit under the moonlight and find calm amongst the roses. As I picture it, I realize something that increases the yearning tenderness in my chest tenfold.
Maybe I’m reading into something that isn’t there, but it doesn’t feel like a coincidence.
I move closer, so that there’s only a few inches between us. Emotion threatens to clog my throat as I struggle to find the courage to ask my question. “Is this why you said I should use the name Rose?” I ask, voice barely above a whisper as I look down into her eyes.
Blair tenses, and for an agonizing second I worry I was horribly wrong. I take a step back, my eyes dropping to the ground.
“It is,” she finally says, her voice raspy with emotion.
I look back up to find she’s closed the distance between us again. My breath hitches at her proximity and the desperation etched onto her face.
For all that Blair proclaims that she’s a predator, a monster that should be feared, all I see in her eyes is longing. An ache to be wanted. Hunger for affection. If she’ll let me, I’ll give her everything. I’ll let her drain my heart dry.
“I love you,” I whisper, overcome with the desire for her to know exactly how I feel. To show her I can give her what she craves.
“Wh-what?” she asks, eyes blowing wide in disbelief.
“I love you,” I say, louder this time. I’m ready to burst with how much I love this woman.
“I…” Blair’s gaze flicks away and everything deflates inside me in that moment of hesitation.
“Oh.” I stumble backward as if she slapped me, tears blurring my vision.
“Grace, wait,” Blair says, reaching out to grab hold of my arm before I’m able to move any further away.
I smile feebly through the tears pouring down my cheeks. “It’s okay!” I squeak. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t fair of me to tell you that. I know that this is…” I swipe at my face and shake my head. “That this isn’t that kind of relationship for you. You’ve just been teaching me and I got caught up in things.”
“That’s not it.”
I force my eyes up to meet hers despite the storm of devastation ravaging me right now, a glimmer of hope flickering at her words. “It’s not?”
She shakes her head, her jaw tight as she fights to keep her composure. “I care about you. This has meant so much to me.”
The unspoken “but” hangs in the air between us.
“You’re breaking up with me,” I say, a surreal numbness flooding my body. It feels like I’m not even here anymore, like I’m watching this moment unfold from the outside. Me, the lovesick fool who’s come to the crushing realization that she’ll never be enough, and Blair, the vampire breaking the news as gently as she can to the idiot who fell in love with her domme.
“I… I can’t bear to lose you,” she whispers.
That snaps me back to my body. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? You don’t want to stop having sex with me? You don’t want to lose my friendship? I’m so tired of not knowing what is happening between us! Yes, I know I should’ve asked before I fell in love, but you said nothing to make me think I shouldn’t.”
“I know. I’m sorry. You did nothing wrong. You’re perfect and I… I care about you too much. If we keep going, I’ll never recover.”
“I don’t understand! What do you mean you’ll never recover? I’m telling you I love you. I want to be with you. You make me feel seen and safe and alive, and I don’t want anyone else. I won’t leave you, if that’s what you’re scared of.”
She shakes her head, a single bloody tear rolling down her cheek. “Yes, you will.”
“No, I won’t! If this is about you being the first woman I’ve dated or some bullshit worry that I’ll wake up one day and suddenly be straight again, it’s not going to happen. I would gladly never see a cock again if it means I can stay with you.”
Blair grimaces like she has a foul taste in her mouth. “That’s not it, but you still?—”
“I mean, maybe if you go on murderous rampages or have a complete personality change, we might have to have a talk, but otherwise, this is it for me, Blair. You’re it for me.” I choke back a frustrated sob. “If you don’t want me that way, t-tell me.”
“I want you more than anything!” Blair protests. She’s crying as much as I am now, crimson droplets wetting the neckline of her shirt.
I angrily swipe away my own tears. “Then what is the fucking problem?” I bite back .
“You’re going to die!” she shouts, voice laced with pain.
Her words ring out in the night air between us, my confusion and anger shocked away by her sorrowful proclamation.
“You’re going to die, and if we keep doing this, if I let myself love you, it will ruin me,” Blair says, the heartache in her words making my chest ache with the need to hold her in my arms and take away her worries and pain.
There has to be something I can do. I can’t bear to see her like this. I’ll find a way to stay alive. Maybe there’s some kind of magic or…
“Make me a vampire,” I blurt.
Blair shakes her head with a sigh. “I can’t do that.”
“Yes, you can. It doesn’t have to be right away, if you’re worried it’s too soon. But I want to be with you, and we have the solution staring us in the face. We can be together.”
“You don’t understand. You don’t want to be like me.”
For the first time in my life, I don’t feel worried about a decision. This is the solution. I love Blair. I’d do anything for her. She needs me. What else is there to consider?
“I’m not going to pretend that I have a burning desire to live forever, and drinking blood for every meal will take some getting used to. Oh, and not being out in the sun. Good thing I’m not a huge fan of sunbathing—it gives me a headache and I always get burned no matter how much sunscreen I wear,” I say with a soft laugh.
Blair’s expression grows even more fraught with worry. “Grace… it’s not just that. I can’t turn you into a monster. Being a vampire is a curse. I care too much about you to use your love for me to selfishly destroy your life so I don’t have to be alone.”
“You’re not! I’m an adult, and I can take more time to think through the consequences, but please don’t make this decision for me.” I reach out and grab hold of her hand, needing to reassure her. “ This could be a good thing. You said that your body froze in the state that it was in when you were turned. If you make me a vampire, then I won’t have to rely on your blood for the chronic pain.” A surge of hope wells up inside me as I follow that train of thought. “My spine won’t get any worse.”
Blair stiffens and tugs her hand free from mine, a scowl twisting her face. “No.”
The denial makes my blood run cold. “What?”
“If you want someone to keep your physical issues from getting worse, if you’re tired of ‘relying on me’, find another vampire. I won’t turn you,” she says, voice deathly calm.
Indignance flares inside me as she shuts herself off, the transformation of her demeanor horrifying. “Blair, come on! That’s not what I’m saying, and you know it. How could you even think that?”
“What else should I think when you won’t listen to me when I’m telling you that becoming a vampire is a fate I wouldn’t wish on anyone? I was okay with you using me for your experimentation, and I was happy to give you my blood, but I won’t let you use me for this.”
I don’t recognize this woman staring at me with such cruel, shocking disdain. Every tender moment and vulnerable confession we shared, every hope that what we were doing together meant something, turns to ash as devastated rage consumes me.
“ Fuck you ,” I say, spitting the words. “You want to push me away because you can’t handle the potential for pain? Fine. I’m leaving.”
Apologize! Take me into your arms and tell me you didn’t mean it. Say that we’ll figure this out together. Tell me you love me.
Blair’s jaw clenches and her hands ball into fists at her side, but she stays silent.
Hot tears spill down my cheeks. I want to scream at her. I want to shake her until her stony facade crumbles away again, and she’s the Blair that made me feel safe and happy again.
I don’t. I may be an idiot for thinking she wouldn’t hurt me, but I still have a shred of dignity left.
“I trusted you.” My voice breaks, and I have to grit my teeth to fight back the sob that’s threatening to burst out of me before continuing. “You promised me that this wouldn’t ruin our friendship, but I can’t be friends with someone who thinks so little of me. I’m done.”
I turn on my heels and storm back inside, anguish threatening to tear me apart with each step. My traitorous mind tells me to turn back and beg Blair to listen, but somehow I get my purse and overnight bag and make it to my car without giving in. I watch Blair’s front door for a heartbreaking moment, willing her to appear and race out to stop me, then blink away my tears and start the car, leaving behind any hope I had for something good as I drive away.