Chapter 36
36
I somehow end up at Mona’s house instead of my condo, parked in her driveway and sobbing too hard to get out of my car or even send her a text to let her know I’m here. The entire drive over, I kept replaying Blair’s words in my head, screaming out a slew of replies and arguments as if she could hear me. Praying that if I lanced the festering pain enough times, it would make me feel better. But I’ve only deepened the wounds, my heart carved open, unable to stop the anguished tears from rolling down my cheeks and my ragged, heaving breaths.
I cover my face with my hands, curling in on myself. Something shifts in my spine, and I have a moment to recognize what’s happening before my muscles seize up .
“ Fuck! ” I slam my hands down on the steering wheel as I scrunch my eyes shut against the oncoming pain. I accidentally hit the horn and a blast echoes out into the quiet suburban street, a perfect compliment to the shrillness of my shout. I’m too far gone to care that a neighbor is going to call the cops on me for disturbing the peace, or that I may have woken up Mona’s neighbor’s newborn.
Does it really matter? Does anything fucking matter?
I grip the back of my neck to brace it so my wracking sobs don’t throw things out of alignment even more and cover my face with my other hand.
A knock on my passenger side window startles me and I look, the pain flaring in my neck as I turn my head. “Fuck,” I curse again, scrabbling to wipe the tears from my eyes so I can see who is out there.
A blurry Mona stands beside my car wearing a thin, lacy green robe, arms wrapped around her waist in a feeble attempt to conceal her state of undress.
“Grace?” Her voice is muffled through the car door, but her confusion is clear in her tone. I hit the button to disengage the safety locks, and a second later, she’s opening the door and peering inside. “What are you doing—” Her expression shifts to horror when she sees my ruined state. “Honey, what happened?”
An indecipherable, tortured sound tears out of my throat, but I’m unable to provide a reply.
Why did I come here? Shit, I don’t want Mona to see me like this. She already knows how much of a failure I am, but this is a new level. She’ll see how truly broken and pathetic I am.
“Shit, it’s okay. Just stay there, I’m coming in,” she says, climbing into the seat beside me.
“S-s-o-rry.” I’m barely able to get the apology out through my shuddering breaths.
“It’s okay, shhh, I’m here,” Mona murmurs, reaching out to pull me into a hug over the console. I flinch backwards and hold my hands up, knowing the movement will only make my neck worse.
Mona’s eyes go wide in alarm at my reaction. “Grace, are you hurt?!”
An anguished bubble of laughter rips from my chest, as painful as my tears. “Y-yeah, is it tha-at o-obvious?”
“What’s wrong? Do you need me to call an ambulance?” she asks, panic lacing her words.
“N-no.” I shake my head like a dumbass and grimace as my muscles seize up tighter.
Mona frowns. “I thought you were going over to Blair’s house tonight. Does she know you’re hurt?”
Something inside me crumples even more than I thought possible when Mona says Blair’s name, and my chest heaves as I sob harder.
Mona’s expression turns murderous. “Did she hurt you?”
I startle at her reaction, and it chases away some of the tears. “Wh-what? No! I mean, yes, b-but, n-no!”
“Then why are you sitting there like you can’t move and don’t want me to touch you? You can tell me.” Mona’s eyes blaze with rage as she reaches out to clasp my hand. “I swear to god, if she hurt you and left you to fend for yourself, I will… well, I won’t be able to do anything, but Max will go fuck her up for me.”
“Please, d-don’t! This isn’t her fault.” At least the neck pain isn’t. Not directly. Although, I doubt I would’ve thrown my neck out tonight if it weren’t for my heartbroken sobbing. “I have an issue with my neck.”
Understatement of the year. Embarrassment twines with my broken heart, making me wish I could leave my body so I wouldn’t have to endure this godawful night any longer.
“Huh?” Mona asks, her brow crinkling. “What kind of issue?”
I sigh, swiping away the snot that’s streaming down my face with the back of my hand, then grimacing.
Not missing a beat, Mona wriggles out of her robe and hands it to me to wipe my hand off with.
There’s a momentary pause of shock on my part when I see what she has on underneath. Or rather what she doesn’t have on. She’s in the tightest, sluttiest dress I’ve ever seen her wear, a chain necklace dangling between her breasts, drawing my eyes to the way a hint of her nipples peek out from the neckline. One strap is ripped, barely hanging on by a thread, and she flushes, attempting to tug it back up onto her shoulder.
I quickly avert my eyes and shove the robe back toward her. “I’m n-not going to g-get my snot on your pretty robe,” I say with a frown.
Mona rolls her eyes and keeps it held out to me, unrelenting. “Screw the robe. I couldn’t give two shits about it. Tell me what’s going on.”
“O-okay.” I reluctantly use the lacy fabric to blot at my tear and snot covered face and hands, attempting to even my breathing enough so that I won’t undo the effort by crying again. “I have a neck issue.”
“You said that already. What does that mean?” Mona asks, tracking my hand as I bring it back up to brace my neck.
“I have degenerative discs in my neck. Sometimes it makes my neck go out, and then I’m in a lot of pain. I don’t want to hug you because moving at all at the moment is dicey.” I twist the fabric of the robe between my hands, bracing myself for Mona’s inevitable pitying expression.
Instead, there’s a flash of unexpected hurt on her face. “How long have you had this issue?”
“I mean, I’ve had it my whole life, but I got the official diagnosis when the pain got bad a few years ago.”
“What the hell, Grace? You’ve been dealing with this for years and you didn’t tell me?” Mona asks sharply.
Guilt makes my stomach clench. She’s not pitying me. She’s upset I didn’t tell her. Why do I keep upsetting people tonight? Fuck, maybe I am as selfish and awful as a person as Blair thinks I am.
The tears burst forth again, and I have to fight through them to reply. “Please don’t be m-mad at me. I’m sorry. I should’ve t-told you, but I didn’t w-want to complain.”
“Shit, Grace, it’s okay. I’m not mad!”
I can’t look at her face. I need to leave. No one deserves to be saddled with someone as broken and selfish as me. “You should be. I’m a terrible f-friend. I keep fucking everything up, I-I know. Just give me a m-minute and I’ll go home.”
Mona grabs my hand as I fumble for the car keys. “You’re not a terrible friend. You’re my best friend and I love you. You’re not going home like this. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I love you too,” I say, the words a stinging reminder of what happened when I said them earlier.
Mona has stuck around longer than anyone I’ve met, excluding my dad, but it scares me to think that some day she’ll decide I’m not worth the effort and move on. She’s become best friends with Blair, and she has an amazing partner in Max. What value do I bring to things? Surely it’s only a matter of time before she cuts me out like everyone else has.
“It’s okay if you decide that y-you don’t love me,” I say. “I don’t want you to be o-obligated to be my friend because we’ve known each other since we were kids. I’ll be o-okay.”
Mona’s face twists in a mixture of concern and disbelief. “I’m not going to stop loving you because you didn’t tell me about your neck. Why would you think that?”
“B-because no one wants to stay. First my mom, then Zack, and n-now her. Why wouldn’t you be next? There’s obviously something w-wrong with me.”
“Oh, Grace,” Mona’s devastated expression is a match for my own as she realizes what I’m saying.
I know how excited she was about me and Blair getting together, and there’s a moment where I feel bad for her that we’ve broken up. Even though the only thing I did wrong was fall in love. “I’m sorry. I know you w-wanted it to work between us.”
“Who gives a fuck about me and what I want? You have nothing to apologize for. You’re in pain and upset and that makes it hard to recognize when thoughts aren’t true, but please believe me when I say that I will always love you. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re my favorite person in the world, and not to brag, but I have excellent taste.”
A weak laugh bubbles out of me, but I shake my head. “What about Max?”
“Eh, he’s a demon, and he’s got an unfair advantage being my partner, so I’m not counting him. Besides, you’ve been around longer. You stayed by my side through the horrors of middle school and when I went through my emo phase.”
“I still think you looked good with that black eyeliner,” I say, a fraction of the ache in my chest easing.
Mona reaches out and takes the robe I’m clutching out of my death grip, and blots my face with it gently. “Can you come inside? Or will it hurt too much to move? ”
“I can come inside, but it’s really o-okay. I don’t want to bother you and?—”
“Grace, shut up and come inside.”
I give her a watery, appreciative smile. “Okay.”
She opens her car door and gets out, holding the tear-soaked robe over her chest and using her other hand to tug down the hem of her dress to make sure her ass isn’t completely hanging out.
I ease myself out of the car and join her, and she lets go of the skirt to take my hand, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze. We head inside her house, and she helps steady me as I kick off my heels.
A low voice echoes from the dark staircase, startling me. “Mmm, you thought you could get away from me, pretty girl, but I’ve found you now. You’ve got nowhere to run, and once I catch you, I’m going to fuck you until—oh!” Max rounds the corner, and startles backward when he sees Mona isn’t alone, his hands not fast enough to stop me from getting an eyeful of his dick. “Shit!” His bright red face is a stark contrast to the darkness in his voice before, and I can’t help letting out a surprised laugh.
“Sorry, baby. It wasn’t the neighbor’s car, it was Grace.”
I give a feeble wave.
“She’s going to spend the night,” Mona says, barely containing her amusement at her fiancé’s flustered state.
“Sorry for interrupting,” I say with a sheepish smile.
“N-no, it’s okay! I’ll be right back,” Max says, scurrying back up the stairs in a flash of pale, freckled skin and a surprisingly juicy ass.
I look over at Mona and raise my eyebrows.
She shrugs and laughs. “What? You know I’m a freak.”
“Not that,” I snort. “Just… damn .” I spread my hands apart to indicate Max’s impressive size .
Mona giggles and that’s what makes her flush, not me walking in on their kinky roleplay. “Yeah.”
Max returns a moment later in low slung sweatpants and a soft fluffy robe, which he passes over to Mona. His face is still bright red as we head into the living room, but he gives me a concerned smile when our eyes meet.
“Okay, so what’s the most comfortable for you? I can move Nugget off the couch if you need to lie down,” Mona says, going into caretaking mode. “Do you have any meds or things that will help?”
My stomach lurches as I think about dealing with my pain. About the sweet, strange taste of Blair’s blood, and the blissful relief it provides. How last time, she let me drink it directly from her wrist, which led to me exploring every inch of her body with my lips and tongue.
Fuck, it hurts.
“I have muscle relaxers, but they’re at home. Also, heating pads and a TENS unit. So it’s probably better if I go home and let you enjoy your evening.”
Mona and Max exchange a look, and he nods. “I’ll go grab them. Are your keys in your purse?” Max asks, no hesitation in his offer.
“Yeah, but it’s okay?—”
He shakes his head. “We’re not letting you go home like this. Anything else that would be helpful to have?”
“I…” I go to argue, but Mona glares at me. “Maybe my pillow? I, uh, already have an overnight bag out in my car.” A fresh wave of sadness hits me and I fight against crying again.
Max looks at me like he can feel my pain, and I realize after a moment that he can. He can sense how devastated I am. He knows the depth of what happened tonight before Mona does. “I’m so sorry, Grace,” he says gently, which makes me lose the battle with the tears again.
He heads off, leaving me and Mona alone. I sit on the couch, and a moment later, the blankets at the other end come to life and move over toward me, Nugget’s small glowing face peeking out as he climbs into my lap with a sleepy snuffle. I bury my hands in his soft fur, grateful for his affection. It’s still beyond surreal that there’s a ghost dog sitting in my lap, but his weight is as solid and comforting as it was when he was alive.
“Someone else who loves you,” Mona says with a gentle smile as she sits in the chair across from me.
I scoff. “He loves everyone.”
Nugget circles around in my lap before settling in with a contented chuff.
“Yes, but you’re a top favorite.” Mona’s smile flickers and there’s a long silence while I pet Nugget before she speaks again. “You don’t have to tell me what happened, if it’s too hard to talk about right now. Just know that I’m here if you do, and I promise not to judge.”
“I don’t even know where to begin,” I say, looking down at the spectral dog in my lap since it feels too difficult to meet Mona’s eyes without crying again.
“Did you…” Mona hesitates, then continues much softer. “Did you break up?”
“Yeah.” I want to make a quip about how you can’t break up with someone if you never defined what the relationship was to begin with, but I can’t get any other words out. I blink rapidly, carding my fingers through Nugget’s fur like petting him can anchor me through the heartache.
“I’m so sorry,” Mona says, her voice wobbling, sounding like she’s on the verge of tears too.
I look up to see the devastated look on my best friend’s face. “Why are you sorry? ”
“I pushed you to explore things with Blair. I thought you were perfect for each other and I wanted you both to be happy.”
“It’s not your fault. I thought so too, but I guess we both were wrong.” My stomach churns as I think about how happy and excited I was a few hours ago. How did things go so wrong so fast?
A tear slides down Mona’s cheek, making the churning turn into a painful clench.
“No, stop, don’t cry!” I say, vision becoming blurry. “If you cry, I’ll start again, and you did nothing wrong.”
Mona sniffs and wipes her cheek before steeling herself with a shaky exhale. “Okay. Sorry. I’ll keep it together.”
There’s another long silence as we both attempt to pull ourselves together. Eventually, I find myself answering her unspoken questions, knowing it’s probably killing Mona to not know what’s going on.
“She broke up with me. In case that wasn’t clear.” I let out a humorless laugh. “I told Blair I loved her and she said she couldn’t be with me anymore because…” I swallow heavily. “Because she doesn’t want to get too attached when I’m going to die.”
Mona’s brow furrows. “What? What kind of reason is that? She’s a fucking vampire. Can’t she do something about it?”
I grimace, feeling a dull echo of the blow that came from Blair’s words. “I told her she could turn me. She took that really poorly. Said that she didn’t mind me using her for sex, but drew the line at being used to become a vampire. I…” Tears pour down my cheeks again and I exhale, my chest shaking as I fight off a sob. “I told you from the start that I worried I was using her to explore things, but I didn’t think she saw it that way. Not after everything… but I guess that was me all over again, letting my heart get tangled up with someone who didn’t feel the same way.”
“No!” Mona’s exclamation is so loud that Nugget startles awake. She lowers her voice, but there’s still a harsh bite to it as she continues. “That’s complete bullshit, Grace. You did everything you could to make sure you weren’t taking advantage of her. She wanted to do it. She agreed to be with you. Don’t put that on yourself. Fuck her for making you think it was your fault.”
I grab a tissue from the side table and blow my nose. “You don’t have to take my side. I know you’re friends with her.”
Mona scowls. “I don’t give a shit about Blair right now. My best friend is in excruciating pain and had her heart broken. Blair made her choice and she can handle the repercussions of that on her own.”
“I appreciate that, but just because I’m not her friend, doesn’t mean you have to cut her out of your life. She needs you, too.”
As upset as I am, I can’t cut off my feelings for Blair. I care about her. I know she’s upset, even if she doesn’t love me. She doesn’t have anyone else besides Mona, and it would be selfish for me to claim our mutual friend for myself.
Mona’s indignant expression softens. “Fine. If that’s what you want. But I’m still really pissed at her.”
“Thanks,” I say, giving her a weak, unconvincing smile. “I’ll be fine,” I add, wishing that I could convince myself with that lie.
“You will be. But right now, you’re not. And that’s okay.”
I want to believe Mona, but the hollowness in my chest and defeated exhaustion make it seem impossible. I don’t know that I’ll ever recover from loving Blair.