Chapter 14
Alice
Alice couldn’t remember the last time she’d been to a party, or, at least, the type of party that splayed out before her as she entered Briar’s house.
Her flat could fit five friends before it started to feel claustrophobic – that was, if she had five friends – and there were at least fifty people already crammed into the narrow living room.
A hand tugged on her arm, and she turned to find Rafa, one of Noah’s friends, beaming at her.
‘Alice!’ he cried, wrapping his arms around her and thankfully managing not to slosh his beer all over her in the process. ‘Oh my god, I thought it was you, but then I thought maybe I was tripping. No one told me you’d be here!’
‘Hey, Rafa,’ Alice said, desperately wishing she’d taken a shot for courage before coming in. She felt shaky and unpracticed at small talk.
Maybe noticing her expression, he herded her towards the kitchen, pointing to the fridge. ‘Beer’s in there. Liquor’s on the counter.’
‘Beer’s fine,’ she said, grabbing an IPA and taking several large gulps before turning back to him.
He was still wearing a huge smile that made her feel like he was expecting her to launch into a circus routine.
She refrained from asking What do you want from me?
which she decided would be a weird and maybe even hostile question.
‘So, how have you been?’ he asked.
‘Oh, good.’ She leaned against the kitchen counter and winced at the stickiness.
Rafa raised his eyebrows at her expression. ‘These things always have a college feel to them,’ he explained. ‘Or uni to you, I guess.’ He chuckled. ‘Keeps us young. I promise Briar can be classy when she tries.’
Alice looked around, noting the touches that she’d missed as she’d been taking in the abundance of bodies and booze. There were plants perched on the windowsills, a collection of colorful cake plates sitting on top of the kitchen cabinets, and several quirky lamps within eyesight.
‘It’s a nice place,’ she admitted.
‘Much nicer than my dump in New York, anyway,’ Rafa said. ‘I have about 500 square feet to share with my roommate, and only one of us has a bedroom window.’
‘Is it you?’ Alice asked politely, taking a few more sips of beer in quick succession.
‘Nah, I make him pay more for the room with the window. I’m usually sleeping when it’s light out, so it works out for me.’ He grinned. ‘And how’s London?’
‘Very little sunlight, even with a window in my bedroom and being awake during the day,’ Alice said. ‘What do you do again?’
Rafa put his hand to his chest in mock offense. ‘And here I thought you were a part of my fan club! I’m wounded.’
‘Sorry,’ Alice mumbled.
‘Just joking,’ he said hastily, and she remembered that this was the sort of banter they’d have had back in high school.
There was a whole school year where she and Rafa had had a running joke that they were enemies, but Alice had never been fully confident it was a joke on his end.
He’d been Noah’s friend, after all, and she’d taken up Noah’s free time and then broken his heart for good measure.
‘Are you still DJing?’ she ventured, thinking back to his social media posts during college – a series of photos of him on a dark stage with captions pleading for people to come to his shows.
‘See, you do know!’ he said, clapping her on the shoulder. ‘I’ve actually been booking stuff recently, which is pretty sweet.’
‘Hey, man!’ Noah’s voice came from behind Alice. She turned to see him with Harper and her fleeting hopes of not being completely awkward evaporated.
‘Hey, Alice,’ Harper said, looping an arm around Noah’s waist. ‘Cute top.’
Her tone was innocent enough, but Alice recognized the comment immediately as one she would have made in high school when Alice was dressed incorrectly for the occasion.
She glanced down at her slightly too-small white frilly top, dotted with embroidered cherries.
It was the closest thing in her high school wardrobe to red, white, and blue, but it was garish upon second review.
‘They changed the forecast,’ Noah said to Rafa, oblivious to the slight. ‘It’s not supposed to rain anymore, so fireworks are on.’
Harper’s eyes widened. ‘You didn’t.’
‘You’re looking at someone who illegally transported fireworks across state lines, baby,’ Rafa confirmed, pointing two thumbs at his chest and looking far too pleased with himself.
‘Come on,’ Alice blurted out, ‘you guys are really trusting the weather report?’
‘Whether it rains or not, it’s still illegal.’ Harper nodded as though agreeing with Alice.
‘But most importantly, you’re listening to meteorologists,’ Alice said.
‘Oh my god,’ Rafa said, choking on a laugh. ‘I forgot about your beef with meteorologists. This is my favorite Alice-ism.’
‘It’s not beef,’ Alice corrected. ‘It’s logic. The whole point of science is to make sense of the world that we live in, so why do I feel more confused every time I open the weather app?’
‘Oh, right,’ Noah said, snapping his fingers before pointing at Alice as though he’d pulled a trivia answer from the back of his head. ‘You think meteorology is pseudoscience.’
‘Of course it is,’ she scoffed. ‘Would you trust someone who lied to you every day, knowing they would be caught out immediately?’
‘No,’ Harper said.
‘Exactly,’ Alice said, waving her now-empty beer bottle in agreement. Her limbs felt loose with alcohol. IPAs always snuck up on her. ‘Why? Because it doesn’t just make them unreliable, it also makes them stupid.’
‘Oh, are we talking about meteorologists?’ Briar asked, sliding into the circle and grabbing the solo cup out of Harper’s hand to take a sip.
‘It’s impressive that you can turn any conversation into your tight-five on meteorology, Alice.
’ She gave no sign that she was either surprised or annoyed to find Alice in her home.
‘I brought it up,’ Noah said, like the loyal ex-boyfriend he was.
‘Man, I’ve missed you,’ Rafa said, straightening and wiping a single tear of laughter from his eye as he looked at Alice. He turned back to the fridge and handed her another beer, cheers-ing demonstratively before they each took large gulps.
A warmth spread through Alice at being in on the joke.
It felt unreal to be standing in a circle of her high school friends, as though she still belonged here.
As though she’d never even left. She wondered what that life would be like, if that alternate Alice was happy here.
It would certainly look very different from London, where Alice rarely left her flat except to take the train to Oxford.
‘Rafa,’ Briar said, ‘help me with the grill?’
‘On it.’ He hugged Alice from the side. ‘Catch up later?’
‘Mmkay,’ she said into his shoulder before he departed along with Briar. ‘That was weird,’ Alice said, blinking at Noah in confusion. ‘I never thought he liked me very much.’
‘What?’ Noah said, his brows pulling together. ‘Of course Rafa liked you.’
‘Just a theory,’ Harper said, her tone dry, ‘but have you ever considered that you’re not good at telling when people like you?’
Alice had nothing to say to that. She didn’t want to voice what she’d suspected for years: that nobody except Briar had talked to her at school before she’d started dating Noah, so it followed that they’d all only liked her for his sake.
Harper didn’t seem to notice Alice’s silence. ‘I see Valentina mixing margs outside, I’m gonna grab one.’
She kissed Noah on the cheek and went out the back door, greeted by hollers from a girl Alice assumed was Valentina.
Noah shook his head ruefully, then looked back at Alice. ‘So, how are you doing? How’s camp?’
Alice shifted uncomfortably. ‘You don’t have to talk to me. You can hang out with your friends.’
‘I want to talk to you,’ Noah said, as though he were explaining something obvious. ‘It’s been a while.’
Alice narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously, the beer making her a little too honest. ‘I don’t get it. How can you be so nice to me after what I did to you?’
‘Neither of us was perfect,’ Noah said, like it was that simple. Alice was gripped with the desire to shake him by the shoulders, just to get him to finally be annoyed at her – which was how she knew she was definitely the less perfect of the two of them.
‘Maybe, but you were a hell of a lot closer,’ she said, taking another sip of beer. ‘Shit, I’m doing this all wrong, aren’t I?’
Noah grinned, she assumed in reaction to her tipsy cursing. ‘What are you doing wrong?’
Alice took a deep breath, with only the alcohol fueling her next words. ‘I meant to apologize as soon as I had a moment alone with you. Because I’m so sorry for how things ended. So, so, fucking sorry. So—’ She hiccupped.
‘Fucking sorry?’ Noah guessed, raising his eyebrows. ‘Yeah, I got that.’
Alice ran her hand over her face. ‘I’m trying to explain.’
‘You’re doing great,’ Noah said. ‘You’re sorry. That part’s covered. Can I say my piece?’
Alice squinted at him, trying to figure out his angle, and then nodded.
‘Look, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I could have done differently, so that you didn’t feel like you could never face me again.
I mean, am I that scary?’ He paused, but Alice just stared at him, confused, and he finally shrugged.
‘It was a long time ago. We were just kids. And I’m getting married to the love of my life, so I think it all worked out. ’
‘What you could have done differently?’ Alice echoed, stuck on that phrase. ‘You must know there wasn’t anything you could have done. It was my fault.’
Noah tsked. ‘When you told me before graduation that you didn’t want to try long distance, I should have just accepted that.
I shouldn’t have drawn it out, pretending things were fine while you were at camp.
Then I wouldn’t have been blindsided by you showing up to my house and telling me things were really over between us. ’