Chapter 14 #2
‘Even if we’d ended things before camp, I don’t know that it would have made a difference,’ Alice said honestly. ‘I don’t know that I would have been able to come back, either way.’
Because it wasn’t the kiss itself that had upended Alice’s life, but how it had brought everything into focus.
When she’d seen Noah for the last time, after spending the entire car ride to his house thinking about Briar’s body clinging to hers, she’d realized she’d been unfaithful to him for far longer than she’d been aware of.
Every inside joke and teasing touch with Briar had taken on an entirely new meaning.
She’d been openly flirting with her best friend in front of him, and she hadn’t even noticed herself doing it.
It had made her wonder if cheating was her destiny the whole time, if history was bound to repeat itself. Alice knew the power of inheritance better than most.
‘I’m sorry you felt that way,’ Noah said, his eyes soft.
‘I guess I just couldn’t deal with the shame of it. And it just kept growing every year I was gone.’
‘You felt that ashamed?’ Noah asked.
‘Yes,’ she said. Surely Noah understood her enough to know that Alice’s worst fear was ending up like her dad. But, then again, she had never let him see that side of her. She had never let him know she was afraid of anything at all.
Noah’s expression grew wistful. ‘I thought you’d eventually come back, we’d talk, and we could be friends again. You were the person I told everything to.’ He paused, glancing meaningfully at where Briar stood on the porch. ‘I know I wasn’t that for you, but I was something, wasn’t I?’
‘Of course you were,’ Alice said softly.
He nodded as though he’d truly been waiting for confirmation, which made her ache with regret. ‘But you’re here now,’ he said finally. ‘So, friends?’ He extended his hand towards her for a shake.
‘Oh.’ Alice was taken aback. ‘Of course. But, um, you should know that I’m leaving.’
His hand fell to his side again. ‘What?’ he asked, sounding genuinely disappointed.
She winced. ‘I came today to tell Briar that I’m going back to London.’ She tried for a smile. ‘Turns out she’s better off without me after all. Figures.’
Noah eyed Briar through the window again, and Alice turned her head for what she hoped was a semi-subtle assessment. Rafa was laughing through the cloud of smoke emitting from the grill, but Briar’s eyes were wide as she stared into the leaping flames.
‘Is there any part of you,’ Noah said, looking through the window, ‘that still considers Briar your best friend?’
Alice finished her beer in one large gulp, wishing it were something stronger. ‘Is that relevant?’
‘I think you’re still hers.’
‘Oh,’ Alice said stupidly.
‘And you’re the only one she let help with camp. Harper and I offered, she turned us down, and that was that. But you didn’t take no for an answer… and she let you.’ He looked at her, his eyes searching. ‘Don’t you think that means something?’
‘Well, yes,’ Alice said. ‘That I’m a presumptuous, high-handed, self-righteous—’
‘If she didn’t want your help, she wouldn’t have let you help,’ he said, spreading his hands out in front of himself as though to ward off her attack.
‘I didn’t give her much choice.’
He nodded. ‘Why did you offer?’
‘Guilt,’ Alice said simply. ‘That I didn’t come back sooner, when Susan got sick the first time. I wanted to apologize for never talking to her about what happened that last summer and running away from her instead.’
‘Running away from her?’ Noah cocked his head at her. ‘What do you mean?’
She had missed something crucial in their conversation. Finally, Noah’s words, every confusing comment, slid into place in her brain, where the alcohol had previously not allowed them to align.
‘Shit,’ she said.
‘What?’
‘What do you think happened that summer, Noah?’ she asked, almost not wanting to hear the answer.
‘I don’t know,’ Noah said, frowning at her. ‘You figured out you were a lesbian, I assume?’
Alice leaned back against the fridge, lightheaded. She tried to think things through linearly, but her brain wasn’t cooperating.
If Noah didn’t know about the kiss, it meant that Briar never told him. Which meant that Alice had some questions for Briar. Questions she needed answered now.
Alice spent the rest of the party trying to get Briar alone, but it seemed that whenever she spotted her in the mass of bodies, Briar would disappear again. Alice had all but given up, nursing her fourth beer by the back door, when Rafa found her.
‘There you are! We’re playing beer pong. Briar needs a partner, you in?’
Alice nodded eagerly and hopped off the counter, stumbling but recovering quickly. ‘Lead the way.’
In the dining room, a crowd surrounded a worn, ornate table. Briar was racking up a set of cups, while Harper poured beer into the opposing set.
‘You said you were getting Noah,’ Briar said, her lips pouting in a way Alice found incredibly distracting.
Rafa shrugged. ‘I found Alice first, and I know how competitive she is.’ He punched her on the arm and winked. ‘Figured this way you may have a chance to beat the champs!’ He pounded his chest.
Alice rolled her eyes but made her way to Briar’s side of the table.
If nothing else, she’d be able to corner Briar after the game and ask her the questions that had been swirling in her mind for hours now.
They kept coming, tempting her with the possibility of realigning what had happened in the years Alice was gone, the years she had been certain no one wanted her to come home.
If Briar had never told Noah, then a part of Briar, however deeply buried, still was loyal to Alice.
Still protected her, even from her own actions.
Which meant that Briar hadn’t been able to replace Alice as easily as she’d feared, the same way Alice had never been able to replace the person Briar had been to her.
‘Winner goes first,’ Harper said, bouncing a ping-pong ball on the table and forcing Alice to focus on the scene in front of her.
She easily sunk it into the center cup. The crowd whistled and cheered as Alice drank. The beer was warm and watery, but it went down easily.
Gasping in her next breath, she wiped the foam from her mouth and nodded at Briar, who brought the ball up to aim, her brows furrowed in concentration, her lips wet and open.
In that moment, Alice was sure she’d never seen anyone more beautiful, and her eyes stayed on Briar even as the ball sank into a cup.
She pulled her gaze away as Rafa’s next shot bounced off the rim of a cup.
‘Better luck next time,’ Alice chirped, aiming for a cup on the end.
‘Yes!’ she exclaimed when the ball sunk. She raised her hand towards Briar, who eyed it for a moment, as though suspicious of Alice’s good mood, before high fiving her.
Rafa glared at them as he drank. ‘I forgot what you two were like as a team.’
They continued until both sides were down to two cups. Alice had hit her sweet spot of being just drunk enough that muscle memory took over.
‘Nice one,’ Briar said, beaming as Alice sank another shot. Alice would play beer pong for an eternity if it meant that Briar would keep looking at her like that.
Harper passed the cup to Noah, who’d joined the crowd mid-game, for him to drink.
‘Cheater,’ Alice cried, slamming a hand on the table. She misjudged the force of her blow and stumbled slightly. Briar’s hands grasped her arms, steadying her. Alice wished she didn’t notice how warm they were, and how her skin still burned even after Briar had withdrawn.
It was Rafa’s turn to throw, and by the looks of it he wasn’t faring any better than Alice. He squinted, clearly trying to regain his depth perception. Still, the ball landed firmly in the center of one of the cups.
‘Let’s goooo!’ Rafa cried, flexing his muscles for the crowd.
‘We’ve got this,’ Briar whispered. As she drank, Alice noticed a droplet escape from the side of the cup and down Briar’s chin. She pulled her eyes away from Briar’s throat after she’d finally finished what seemed like an endless chug, wordlessly gesturing for her to throw.
‘You got this.’
Briar grinned at her, not looking away as she threw the ball. Alice was so caught up in her gaze, she almost didn’t notice the uproar around them. Briar’s ball had sunk. They’d won.
Briar whooped, slinging her arms around Alice’s waist and jumping in celebration. She tucked her face into Alice’s shoulder and Alice was hit with a floral scent that she knew immediately was the same perfume Briar had used in high school: honeysuckle and bergamot.
In the last decade, Alice had been so caught up in the aftermath of their kiss, had overanalyzed every mistake she’d made the morning after, that she had never considered anything beyond her initial assumption that it had just been practice for Briar.
That the kiss would have been the same with Alice or anyone else.
But maybe Briar not telling Noah meant that the kiss hadn’t meant nothing to her, like she had said.
Maybe it had meant something to Briar the same way it had meant something to Alice.
The roar of the party hit Alice all at once, and she grabbed Briar’s arm, feeling dizzy. Briar turned to her, confusion in her eyes.
‘Can we talk?’ Alice asked.