Chapter 10 – Reverie #4
If I told him – or when he figured it out – Araxis would want to help, because that was who he was.
He'd insist on finding a way through for me.
He'd want to take care of me. And now that we were fucking in a way that was pretty damn spectacular – since he'd told me he'd never even felt attracted to anyone before; since he'd looked at me with his soft eyes in the dining room and then when our cocks were sliding against one another, holding me, caring for me – he would, I thought, do anything he could to protect me, even from my own shitty choices.
He'd done that for Vivith. And he hadn't known me for long but…
Araxis was steadfast. He was the kind of person who didn't give up, and he moved with such purpose, such intention, that it was clear he knew his mind and would act accordingly.
He'd been kind to me since the beginning, and soft with me when I was difficult; he'd been able to speak the truth of who he was even though the whole Concord and his own creche thought it was bullshit.
He was a person of conviction, and if he thought I was going to be hurt, he would take it upon himself to make things right.
And what was worst, perhaps, was that I wanted him to gather me up, tell me it was all going to be alright, and just fix everything.
I wanted him to tell me to stay. I wanted him to keep me, I thought miserably as I raised my hand up and felt the skin where he'd bitten down; the mark hurt when I pressed my thumb into it, but in a way that made my chest ache with belonging.
This trip, which I'd started out thinking about as a reprieve, was maybe more like a curse. Now that I knew what I'd be losing, and I had a glimpse of what I could have had, the comedown was going to be devastating. It already was.
I'd been worried that sleeping with Araxis might be too intense for him.
Given everything I'd read about abayan attitudes toward sex, I'd been bowled over that he hadn't felt overwhelmed or shy; instead he'd been certain, commanding, confident.
Had he thought there might be something more between us?
Had he felt what I was feeling too? Because it might not have been intense for him in the way I'd anticipated, but it had sure been intense for me.
It still was: thinking about him, thinking about leaving him, made my throat tighten, my heart throb, and every cell in my body scream out that I couldn't. He'd said he was mine, and I was his –
And that's what I wanted. And I absolutely couldn't have it.
Which meant Araxis couldn't either, and I worried that this would be one more burden for him to carry. That I would be that.
I needed a way out that would do as little damage as possible.
That was the least I could fucking do: minimize the ripple effect of my shitty choices and my shitty life.
I just wouldn't tell him. I was going to lie my way off of this ship, and then he'd see me on galactic television and he'd understand, maybe.
I'd have to leave him a note or something.
But for now, I needed to… extricate myself.
I had a day and change left on this ship, one more night with him, so I needed to start to pull away.
The longer I indulged myself in this fantasy, the harder it was going to be on everyone when I ripped myself away.
So when Araxis returned with a pot of tea and two cups, balanced perfectly on a tray alongside a small plate with slices of fruit and other chilled foods, I had something of a plan.
I'd cleaned up a bit, but hadn't bothered pulling on clothes, so I was delighted by Araxis's usual pink flush when he took in the sight of me.
He looked like that – pleased and still, even now, surprised – every time he saw me naked in his bed. Like I was a dream made real.
Which was why we needed a wake-up call, I guessed. Both of us.
I might normally try to start a conversation like this in a roundabout way – I would if he was a client – but I figured that, as I was in uncharted territory, I might as well try a new approach.
Araxis sat delicately on the edge of the mattress, placing the tray between us and pouring two cups of fragrant pale tea, and I took my opening.
"So I do actually have to work," I said.
He looked at me through his eyelashes, chin tilted as he pressed one of the cups into my hands. "Yes, Sashen, I am aware."
"And we're nearly to the Thenat cluster." As much as I wanted to pretend we weren't.
His mouth thinned a little. "Yes, I have been charting our course. I understand how much time there is left before – Hm." He stopped, setting the cup down and instead picking up a pale wedge of fruit, nibbling on the very end.
I watched Araxis, there in the soft morning light, and my heart lurched against my ribs. There just wasn't enough time. But I had to be brave, so I put on an easy smile and nudged his leg with my foot from beneath the blankets. "But we've had fun, right? We're having fun."
He was quiet, picking away at the wedge of fruit and looking down at the tray between us.
I tried to give him some more space to speak, taking a sip of the tea he'd brought, its floral steam taking me to some fuzzy sense-memory: one of the greenhouses, maybe, on Seraphim Station. The sound of trickling water.
Finally, Araxis looked at me, his black eyes wide as if he were taking in every inch of me, studying every rumpled curl, every messy edge. I felt suddenly very small under his scrutiny. "Is that what this is?" he asked quietly. "Fun?"
"Well, it's not unfun," I joked, and then I sighed, reaching and setting my cup down on the tray. "There it is again, huh?" Fuck, could I not have a serious conversation without trying to joke my way through? I mean, time was running pretty short.
Then again, if you weren't laughing…
"I guess I just want us to be clear," I said after a long pause, during which the only sound was our own soft breathing and the gentle rumble of the engines somewhere on the ship.
"I'm not – I don't think I'm the relationship type.
Stop me if I'm being presumptuous but… well.
You know I've fucked a lot of people, Araxis, and it's never felt quite like this, and that's good but it's also…
complicated? So, yeah, I just wanted to be sure we're on the same page. "
His eyes narrowed, as if he'd spotted something interesting, and he turned his cup on the tray, a full rotation. His tongue flicked out, a quick flash of lilac against his pale lips. "Have you never had a romantic relationship, then? You've not had a partner?"
I should have known he'd cut to the point, that the confidence that kept surprising me wasn't a mistake; it was his true nature.
Sinnenthi, I thought distantly. A leader, a protector. And entinn, who listens and understands, even the unsaid words, the implications.
"It's not for me," I said, and it tasted like a lie even as I kept my features carefully neutral.
"Hm." Araxis reached and took another slice of the tart fruit, taking a small bite and looking thoughtfully at the tray between us. "Have you tried?"
What a question. I huffed, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes.
My first impulse was to make up some bullshit about how, yes, I'd tried and no, it didn't work.
But I didn't want to lie to him. I wanted to be honest, here in the last stretch of my life, and if I couldn't be honest with Araxis, if I couldn't be honest with myself, what was even the point?
So I let my hands drop down to the puddle of blankets in my lap.
"No," I admitted. "It's not like I've had much opportunity.
My life has pretty much been a scramble for ten years to keep ahead of the balance owing on my account at the den.
And it's not like it's easy to meet people in my line of work – not anyone who actually gives a shit about me.
I meet lots of people who want to fuck me.
I'm pretty sure I have all of one friend. Two now, if we're counting you."
Araxis set down the fruit and shifted, moving a little closer. He reached and settled a hand on my thigh. "I hope that you will count me," he said, certain.
Well, this had gone off the rails. My throat was tight and hot and I felt, all at once, like I might start blubbering, so I cleared my throat and looked across the room toward the doorway.
"And it's not like now is a great time," I added belatedly.
"You've got the whole Concord to deal with and your entire creche to save.
I've got the – I have work, and it's not a job I can just duck out of.
This one will make me or break me. So – yes, we're having fun.
What else could we have? Besides, Araxis, I'm pretty fucked up, way more than you know.
I'm barely able to take care of myself. There's no way I'd have the capacity to, I don't know, be a decent partner.
I think I need to just look out for myself for awhile, and see where that takes me. "
It felt true as I said it. And wasn't that what I was doing with the Tournament? I was taking care of myself in the best way I could. I was giving myself a shot, and if it didn't work out, I was making sure I was safe from Seraphim forever.
It might have been nice to be able to be someone for Araxis.
It might have been nice to find a place on this ship.
But I had to take care of myself, and I had to clean up my own fucking mess, before I could ever think about someone else's.
That would have to come after. And since there wasn't going to be an after…