Chapter 10 – Reverie #5
When I looked back at Araxis, he was watching me, his black eyes bright with some emotion I couldn't interpret.
His thumb moved gently over my leg, on top of the blankets.
"I understand," he said, sitting there in my hideous sweater and looking like an absolute dream, as if he were some perfect knight I'd hallucinated into reality.
"It is important for you to determine your own path.
That has been denied to you for a very long time.
Even in the den, you were beholden to the whims of others: to Alet Trident, who has dictated much of the shape of your adult life, and to the clients.
This is the first time you've been able to make your own way. Am I right? Do I understand you?"
He did, and it was as if he had somehow reached out and gently pried my ribs open and peered into the dark corners beneath my sternum where I liked to hide the things I didn't want to think about and I certainly didn't want anyone to see.
But it didn't make me feel afraid, for Araxis to see them: for him to see my own jagged needs and selfish impulses.
So I nodded, and reached for his hand, cradling it in my own.
"I have to do this for myself," I said, and my voice was hoarse when I spoke, the sound a surprise to even my own ears.
I swallowed and cleared my throat. "And, you know, if things were different – I would have really liked to try with you. "
I held his hand gently and looked into his eyes, and this didn't feel like letting Araxis down gently; it didn't feel like letting myself down gently. It felt like scraping my skin back and leaving myself as an open wound, wishing for things I could never have and certainly didn't deserve.
Thank god I'd be space dust soon. Space dust didn't have melodramatic feelings about would-be romances; space dust didn't get teary-eyed and mopey when instead it could have been rolling around under the covers with a hot alien.
I sniffed, looking away, and allowed myself to lean into all of my dumbest instincts when I said, "Although, I don't know, Araxis.
It probably wouldn't have worked. I've met all of three adults in your creche, and I'm pretty sure two of them hate me and then the other two are either entirely made-up or can't stand to be anywhere remotely near me.
Do you know how awkward that would make groups dinners?
Gift exchanges during the brin lunar festival? Yikes."
He huffed a breath and offered me a short trill. I could tell he put it on, and we both knew, I was sure, exactly what I was doing. I was feeling something big and unnameable and dangerous, and so it was better to have a laugh, and Araxis – perfect, kind, generous – was indulging me.
"Honestly, though," I said, letting his hand go and swiping one finger along the lash line of my lower lid to deal with any mysterious moisture that had decided to gather there. "Is there a reason I've only met half of your creche?"
Araxis picked up the tray and took it over to the desk.
He hovered there for a moment, looking out the window; I watched him forcibly adjust his demeanour, the line of his shoulders softening, the tension in his neck easing as he decided, then, to give me what I needed.
When he turned back, he had a sharp little smile on his lips.
"Hm. You should not take it as a personal affront, Sashen – it is, I think, a bit funny. "
I raised my eyebrows. "Funny, huh?" God, I needed something funny. Anything even remotely silly would do.
He trilled, chin dipping as he sat on the edge of the bed again.
I scooted over, and he settled into place beside me; as he sat, his sweater – my sweater – rucked up a little, exposing a delightful swath of opalescent skin near his waist. "Evreni is quite concerned you will whisk her partners away.
There was some discussion when you arrived. "
I blinked at him, distracted by his pale skin under my sweater. Why did it make me all hot and bothered to see him wearing my ugly sweater? "I'm sorry, what?"
"Yes." The skin between his eyes crinkled in amusement. "She insisted that a virra with your experience at the den would be irresistible. I think this says more about the state of their relationship than it does about you – though I find you rather irresistible myself, so perhaps I am a hypocrite."
I grinned and shrugged, reaching to slide my hand under the hem of the sweater.
His skin shivered as I touched him, his head tilting as he watched me.
"You might have told me earlier," I said, smirking.
"If I'd have known I could have had two abaya at once…
I don't know, your bed might still be pretty empty. "
A delighted trill sounded in the air, and Araxis clasped a surprised hand to his own throat, as if he shouldn't have laughed.
"Ah, forgive me: this is particularly amusing because Avelthe and Yalrinn are quite old, and I do not think they could muster much interest in sex even if they were beguiled by your charms."
I laughed too, bright and easy, and it felt like drinking in a deep breath of clean air after too long on the spaceport docks.
I couldn't see the signs of abayan aging like Araxis could, of course, but in my mind, they were old and wrinkled and Evreni – who had, to be fair, stared at me suspiciously every time she'd laid eyes on me – apparently thought I was such a homewrecker that I'd gather up her elderly spouses and take them for myself.
"See, now you're just showing your bias," I intoned with a crooked smile.
"I've had clients of all ages. I don't know how it works with abaya, but lots of older people can muster interest in sex – particularly for sexy virra dancers.
Besides, wouldn't Evreni's concern mean that she thinks it's totally possible they'd want to bang me?
Which means that they can definitely still get hot and bothered. "
Araxis squeezed his eyes shut, grimacing. "Ah, you make a compelling point – although I wish you hadn't. I've known them for my entire life."
I cackled, curling my body up against Araxis as my hand traced the muscles beneath his skin. "Their loss is your gain, though. And I probably would have still picked you."
"Probably, hm?" He tipped his head toward me, reaching to skate his fingers along the bare expanse of my shoulder, my arm.
"I mean, I do like a threesome," I admitted, still ghosting my fingertips across his skin, studying the perfect angles of his face, committing every inch of him to memory so that I could have him with me when I left the ship. So that I could keep him with me always. "But I like you even more."
Araxis stroked my arm gently, goosebumps prickling beneath his touch, and I shivered pleasantly against him. "You're cold," he murmured, shifting so that his mouth was hot against the side of my neck.
"Then warm me up," I said, low and breathy, and I crawled into his lap and pressed myself against him. The blankets slipped from me, exposing my skin to the cold air, and I sucked in a sharp little breath as Araxis's hands swept up my skin, insistent, determined.
"Sashen," Araxis breathed into the shape of my throat, his mouth tracing over the mark he'd left on me, the bloodied bruise he'd placed there. "Could we – just pretend that there is nothing outside of this room? Just for awhile?"
"Yes," I said, voice low and hoarse with want, and then I kissed him, my mouth slick against his, panting into him as he shrugged out of his clothes so we could lose ourselves together.
I put every last scrap of willpower I had into keeping the outside world at bay for as long as I could, carving out a space for the two of us where nothing could touch us.
I'd have eternity in these moments, I told myself, and I would bring Araxis with me.
And even though I did wish, with such ferocity that it terrified me, that we might have had more – I would take this with him over never having had it at all.
So we stayed in bed all morning. I pressed my mouth against every smooth inch of skin, my hands plundering all his hidden depths.
I swallowed down all the secret things I wanted to say and instead lost myself in his body, in his heat, in the sweet slick between his thighs.
I swallowed down his cock as eagerly as if I were a dying man and his body was my salvation.
I gasped as his fingers threaded through my hair, firm and gentle, all at once, as he rocked against me – and I came again without him touching me, just from the friction of my body against the sheets and the perfection of being with him.
I didn't know then that Araxis was also holding secrets back between his teeth.
I think he meant it when he said he wanted for us to be together there, in that room, while the world beyond fell away.
I thought he meant to keep the weight of his responsibilities at bay, the impossibility of us.
I didn't realize what he wanted so desperately to keep out was his own guilt.