Chapter 31 – Fracture Point #2
"Control of what?" My heart stuttered. Hadn't I felt something when I'd yielded?
Like something unlocking, something soft and easy?
What if it was true? And if it was, if he had known that when he'd sought me out, when he'd courted me and fucked me, if he had known that something else was happening –
"Of everything," Araxis said, hoarse. "A virra gives up control and in exchange lives in perfect contentment; the sinnenthi is charged with stewarding the virra to their highest form.
This is a story, Sashen, it is not true.
It is not what I believe; it is not what nearly any abaya believe.
There is no truth to it. It is only upsetting, and that is why we must begin the judicial review tomorrow: because the claim is inflammatory, and unless it is quashed immediately, it could cause incredible damage to the economic ties between the empire and the rest of Primus.
Many abaya would refuse to cooperate at all with CPEF if they do not address this immediately.
If they do not make a quick decision, if they show such disregard for our culture, the abayan empire may withdraw from Primus entirely. It would be devastating."
I pushed my cup away, sliding it across the glossy surface of the table, and rubbed my hands on my forehead.
That sounded an awful lot like Araxis was expected to shepherd me to a righteous form.
Had I agreed to that? I fought hard against the rage tightening inside of my chest and instead took a deep breath.
I needed to be calm. I needed to understand.
If this was insulting enough that the abayan empire might withdraw from Primus entirely, didn't that suggest that they thought it might be true? Why would you get so insulted over a myth?
"Alright," I said slowly. "Okay, I understand it's not real. And I guess if it was, CPEF would find out and shit would really go sideways."
"It is not," Araxis said, tone sharp, sharper than he'd ever been with me, and I actually flinched.
When he saw, he softened the rest, looking away.
"Our scientists refuted the claim more than a century ago.
I find it repulsive, in truth. I would never wish to strip someone of their ability to choose. "
Something inside me, that I'd been holding so tightly under control, that I'd been white-knuckling into submission, gave way with a soft, internal snap.
That was fucking rich. That was rich. And suddenly, I couldn't hold it back.
I thought I had maybe a little tact; I thought I might approach this carefully, gaining information bit by bit until I had a more complete picture.
At least I might save this conversation until we were done with CPEF, since that was now looming like an awful spectre above us and my life still presumably hung in the balance, but honestly. Who was he fucking kidding?
I planted both of my hands on the table to stop myself from throwing something, and when I spoke, it was in a low voice that sounded almost dangerous, even to my own pounding eardrums. "Araxis, we know that's not true."
He blinked his big black eyes at me and had the gall to look confused.
I met his blank look, my heart in my throat. "I just can't help but wonder if you were ever going to tell me."
"Tell you what?" he asked, voice suddenly quiet.
"Why was Creche Athal waiting to pick me up?
You couldn't have contacted them from inside the complex, and we didn't plan that I was going to declare for you.
We would have talked about it, and that would have changed our plan.
" Maybe if I gave him a chance to tell me something even close to the truth, he'd pull through, and we might have something we could work with.
I hoped, furiously and desperately, that he'd just tell me. That he would invite me in.
I had declared; he had accepted. Surely, if there was ever a time for honesty…
I saw him swallow, watched the shift in his throat. And then he said, "I am sure Vivith saw our conversation after you were hurt. They must have anticipated –"
My hands curled into fists, reflexive, and I suddenly couldn't sit any longer.
I pushed myself up and moved around the counter and into the kitchen, my chest rising and falling hard like I'd just been running laps of the track in the village.
It was probably better if there was a solid bank of cupboards between us; I didn't trust myself, not when I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a great precipice with only the barest grip on my own temper.
"You know, I play stupid a lot. It's something I learned in the den, and it works to get me what I need.
But I'm not stupid, and I never thought that you would actually believe that I'm an idiot, Araxis. "
"Sashen –"
"I've been hoping against fucking hope," I snarled, fist slamming into the counter top hard enough that spikes of pain flared up in my wrist, "that I'd somehow gotten the wrong end of this.
So you tell me where I'm wrong, but I swear, if you lie to me again, I'm done.
So listen and be honest, if you possibly can be. "
Araxis was matte white, all iridescent sheen gone from his skin. He was perfectly still, eyes empty black holes in his head, his lips parted just slightly. His hands were balled in his lap; his chest rose and fell, rapid. He said nothing, so I did it for him.
"You came looking for me, a virra to use in your little plan to restore your creche or whatever.
Sure, you might not have believed that there was some mythical power you'd have over me – but I still fit a role.
A young sinnenthi prince who claims glory for his house and comes with a virra on his arm?
Who wouldn't be persuaded of Creche Thiel’s prowess?
If you could get a virra to declare for you and win the Tournament, what a coup, right?
That's what Zirric said, that getting me was a coup.
And you needed that, so you didn't think about what you were doing to my life: you went to Alet Trident, she applied her leverage – she let Seraphim's debt claim come through after years of putting it off – and you made sure I had no other options.
You were waiting to scoop me up. Yes, so convenient that you were travelling in the same direction, right?
Oh, how helpful when I needed a ride." I shoved myself away from the counter, sucking in a deep breath to try and force the shakiness out of my words.
Still, Araxis said nothing. He was like a statue.
So onward I went. "You pretended to not know I had entered the Tournament.
You pretended to need lessons. I thought you were courting me, and maybe you were, but what you were really doing was seducing me.
I don't even know if you understand how fucked up that is: you played me like an absolute fool.
Was it –" The realization hit me like a blow, and I almost laughed.
God, maybe I was stupid. "All that shit about never feeling like that before, never being with anyone, I mean – somehow that worked for me, and then it made me feel responsible for you, and –"
"That wasn't a lie," Araxis said, his mouth barely moving. "I did not lie about that."
"Well, good for you." I paced to one end of the counter, needing to burn some of the furious energy from my body.
"So you made sure I ended up in the Tournament, and you made sure that I depended on you.
If you hadn't come looking for me, none of this would have happened.
Did you know Seraphim had given up on filing the claim?
Alet Trident let one through that was four years old.
It's your fault that I've been preparing myself to die rather than go back there.
It's your fault Grigor Spade came after me and I was nearly fucking killed.
All the bruises and cuts, all this pain – your fault, Araxis!
Oh, but thank god you were there to save me and pull me closer, to save the day every single time.
So kind of you, every time you promised to fix the problem that you fucking created!
" The words came out hoarse, almost a yell, and I had to turn away and smother down a sob.
But I swallowed it down and I shoved it away, and when I turned to look at him again, I blinked away the tears burning in my eyes.
"You told them you were going to have a human virra months ago.
Months. Because I was a thing to you. A tool.
And if you'd invited me in, if you'd talked to me, we could have been a team. We could have –"
He looked down, a sudden jerk of his chin, and I realized distantly that silvery tears had started to drip down his cheeks, pattering on to his lap.
Good. He should cry.
I forced my breathing to even out, so that when I spoke again, my words were lower, steadier.
"I think what hurts the most is that I did actually fall in love with you.
And if you'd told me earlier, we could have figured it out and I could have loved you in a real way.
But I don't know how to love someone who thinks I'm an object to use. "
"I don't –" Araxis started, voice thick with misery.
"Oh, fuck off," I hissed. "I don't want to hear it.
You might think you don't, but you've treated me like one, and maybe it's some fucked up part of your culture you aren't even aware of: you're sinnenthi and I'm virra.
How could I ever know what's best for me?
How could I offer anything of real value when that's your role.
Wouldn't any sinnenthi want to, what, steward an undeclared virra?
You've treated me like a piece in your plan to move and use as you wanted.
You cut me out every time you should have invited me in.
You decided what was best without ever thinking you could trust me in a real way.
I would have helped if you'd just told me.
Of course I would have helped." I swiped at my eyes with the back of my hand, sucking in a hard breath.
I glared out the windows in the side of the dining room, out into the dark of space beyond.
The room was absolutely silent; I couldn't even hear the air filtration system rumbling in the ceiling.
All I could hear was the thrumming of my own pulse against my eardrums. All I could feel was the hurt still bright as a supernova, blazing through every part of me.
"And now I've declared for you, and that's it.
I'm yours," I said, voice hoarse around the words that had once felt so good.
I turned to look back at Araxis, his head still tilted down, his shoulders trembling.
Not so composed now, was he? "And the moment that I'm not yours, I lose everything.
If I left Creche Thiel tomorrow, that claim against me would stand and I'd be whisked back to Seraphim and to everything I've been terrified of.
Which I'd never allow; I would never. Do you realize that you've set me up to have to choose between staying with you, being bound to you, and killing myself?
That's where you've left me, Araxis. And it's because you thought I would be an effective political manoeuvre. "
That got his attention. At once, Araxis surged up, staring at me wild-eyed, his face as white as bone. "Sashen," he pleaded, moving forward on stiff legs to round the corner, reaching toward me. "Beloved, no, you cannot think –"
"Yeah, it would be awfully inconvenient if I offed myself, wouldn't it.
" I jerked back as he approached. "Well, lucky for you, I've already realized that if I did anything, it would jeopardize the creche, and then the kids would be in danger.
So well done, that part of the plan worked too.
'Oh, humans love children.' I'm sure you and Vivith are very pleased with how everything has worked out. "
"I'm sorry," Araxis cried, standing only an arm's length away, and the subvocal keen was so sharp that I winced, his pain visceral in my body as well. "You are right, Sashen – I have betrayed you. I should have told you. I should have – I wish – I am ashamed –"
"You should be. I trusted you. I loved you.
I thought you cared, but you lied to me over and over, and somehow you've left me more alone than I've ever been in my life and –" The words tasted like blood in my mouth, and then I was crying in earnest, and all I needed was to escape.
So I pushed my way past him, shoving his grasping hands off in fury, and I locked myself in the bathroom to sit on the floor and cry.
I cried myself hoarse, my throat raw and tasting of salt and copper.
I cried until I had nothing left but emptiness inside of me.
This didn't feel like power.
It didn't feel like status.
It didn't feel like freedom.
It felt like loneliness. Like agony. Like heartbreak really and truly meant that the aching muscle in my chest had broken, irreparable. And although I knew Araxis was just beyond the door, I didn't ever want to reach out for him again.
When I finally felt myself growing stiff and cold on the floor, and when the ship's lights had cycled through to late evening, I eased myself up and drifted from the room.
The kitchen was empty, the teapot and two cups still sitting on the low table.
I slipped silently into the living room, where I saw Araxis curled into a ball on the sofa in the dark, his back to me; so I passed through the room, silent as a ghost, and crawled into bed, half-heartedly pulling a blanket over me.
Somehow I fell into a dreamless sleep. An endless void. There was comfort in that at least.